Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

Do nothing OP. You’re lucky to have a son who thinks of you. The fact that your DIL makes a big fuss of her own mum is irrelevant.

And It’s very clear from this post that there is. No two parents will ever be the same and it’s misjudged at best to try and restrict parent child relations.

@Nconee why couldn’t your son move out? He’s evidently managed it recently.

I think you are underestimating the impact being a carer can have on a person. How it changes the relationship. Instead of it being a mother and son relationship, it became a disabled person and carer relationship. Which he didn't sign up for. He did it all because no one else would. He's trying to live his own life now but is still being expected to put himself out because no one else will. So of course he's angry and resentful. You need to build a life for yourself where you don't have to rely on your children to meet your needs. That isn't their job. You are their mother, not their responsibility.

But it's like you're saying your life stopped when you became disabled, I dont understand why your son had to step up so much? If you really need that much help and support the you shouldve gotten carers not lumped the burden on your son. It's a sensible decision for him to have suggested as it's quite obvious hes fed up.
Why are you making excuses for your other children and expecting so much from your son? I can see why your DIL isnt fussed on you. If my MIL thought it was appropriate to ring my husband at 9pm every night I'd be pissed.

I love my children and my grandchildren but unfortunately I cannot force them to come and see me if they don’t want to.

The same is true of your son and DIL. It sounds like they’re taking a lot of flack because he was the last one standing.

I suspect there is a reason that out of all the kids, and your partner at the time, nobody has stayed around, and all your interactions are very carefully planned so that they’re few and far between and don’t last long, but perhaps you are really unlucky. Regardless, you know how they all feel now. Don’t call him so late. Stop pushing him or you’ll push him away entirely.

I mean three meals a day and a clean home is pretty bare essentials. That’s not worthy of some huge pat on the back.

He couldn’t move out well he could since he has now. Probably felt too guilty to before and now his finally got his own life your pissing on his parade about something that hasn’t even happened yet because you got fomo and jealousy issues while your other adult children who did no caring get a free pass because they have children.

People with children and/or busy lives tend to see their mothers who only live 1.5 hours away (especially their infirm mothers) more than twice a year unless there is something that has gone on that made them distance themselves.

DS couldn’t move out

OP, I don't think it's surprising that your relationship with him isn't in a great place now if either of you thought this. Of course he always could have moved out, that should always have been a clear option for him. Again, I think you need to take a clear, unbiased look at your relationships with all of your kids. Some have been absolved of even seeing you for 5 years when DS 'couldn't move out'. DIL and her mum are just a distraction.

Why did you ring back for the second time to then have another argument about Mothers Day?

You clearly are demanding OP even if you refuse to recognise this. You are obviously putting too much pressure on your son and he’s voiced this. He’s starting a new life with his wife to be and I’m afraid you need to recognise this and take a step back. You’ve been given some sound advice on this thread but sadly you don’t appear to be listening.

Sorry why would they distance themselves from me because I don’t drink? I have rarely ever drank.

Sorry, I misread it as you used to drink.

I got sick and was medically retired and this meant that DS couldn’t move out.

Why couldn't he?

In honesty, it sounds a little like his siblings are the returning prodigals when they come back...no expectations on them but efforts made to go out etc.

Whereas your son, the youngest I assume, has always been the utility child...makes an effort to get you a present etc but not necessarily worthy of you pushing yourself for. Handy for a lift to the station etc. Now he is spreading your wings and not as useful any more, but also starting to see the difference in how they are all treated.

What do your other kids give you or arrange for Mother's day?

There's a number of factors at play here.

I sort out gifts for my mother and my husband sorts out the gifts for his mother. I think many families have a similar arrangement. I think it's unfair to put it on the DIL as it's not her responsibility to sort out everything. If my husband said he wanted to take his mother out for dinner I'd happily go with them, but I wouldn't necessarily suggest it myself.

Another thing to consider is do you see the grandchildren/babysit them as much as the other grandparents?

If you're upset you should take it up with your son, but definitely leave your DIL out of it as it will just strain your relationship further.

Just because they’re getting married it doesn’t mean they share the same pot of money. A lot of people keep their money separate now (other than money for bills). Times have changed

Sorry, just read that they don't have children. I will also add that it's very common that daughters do more with their mothers. My husband didn't even used to get his mother a card until I married him and suggested it would be nice to get her a card and gift (he does now). I think you're reading far too much into it. They might have a joint bank account but that doesn't give you a right to expect exactly the same. That's just ridiculous. Comparison is the thief of joy.

You can say ‘I wasn’t invited to go dress shopping’ then say ‘I can’t go out for a meal as I’m unwell’. Maybe they are confused by what you think you can and can’t do, so don’t invite you. I think you’re putting too much on your son, but not expecting anything from your other children. They can post big gifts if they wanted to

I think it’s quite obvious from this post why your DIL may not like you, she’s obviously the scapegoat for any issues you have with your son and she’s probably fully aware she gets the blame for things or feels she has to justify her close relationship with her family, you’ve created an impossible situation for her and then you seem confused that she may be not your biggest fan. Your son is a grown man therefore is capable of doing adult tasks without the assistance of a woman.

And even if they do, if they're not short of money then it is irrelevant. We have completely shared finances, but normally spend more on my family at Christmas than his, for example.

I always bought my own Mum, before she died, and DH Mum similar gifts for Mother's day and for Xmas too. I love my MiL she accepted my DC as her own DGC and always treated them kindly and equally so there was no way I'd be leaving her out. Now it's just her for mother's day gift and we'll make a fuss of her, get her a card, take her flowers and out for a nice meal. She'll be very happy.

It really is sad. When two people come together, especially to marry it should result in a team that’s better than the individual part. Women tend to like celebrating and making a fuss about mothers’ day, birthdays etc and men tend to like to want to grease the loud door. She’s supposed to be an addition to your family and he an addition to her. If she’s minded to not bring the family together you’ll need to speak to your son to cover for her. Women tend to be the ones keeping family ties going and if they relegate you it will be heartbreaking.

I’m sorry to hear that you seem to be very lonely despite having 3 other children. I expect your son feels annoyed that because he doesn’t have any children he is expected to do all the support for you.
My mum lived about 2 hours from us and was disabled (wheelchair user). I had two children (one of whom had a serious medical condition). I would regularly travel to see her on my days off. When she was in hospital I would travel 2 or 3 times a week after work/at the weekend to visit her. Each Christmas my husband would drive to her on Christmas morning to collect her then drive her home in the evening. My brother and his family lived 15 minutes from her. She was never invited there.
One year we all went down with a bug so she couldn’t come to us - she spent Christmas alone.

I think your other children should do their fair share. In the meantime perhaps you could contact a local club and see if there are any activities that you can take part in to widen your circle of friends.

They spend less on you because your son has not organised anything. Don't make this about your daughter in law, it's not her fault that your son isn't doing what you expect for mothers day.

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Do women tend to like it or is it more it is seen as 'women's work' and they often pick up the pieces because it would otherwise mean MIL not getting anything at all? Because the latter isn't the same as the former.

Men are perfectly capable of buying presents. Mine does it.