Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

It wouldn't be that difficult for just your kids to visit while they're other halves look after the kids, if everyone coming is too much.

So 2 sons should make the women they made mothers look after their children alone for 5+ hours on Mother’s Day? Her daughter is 5 hours away and also has children. How does that work?!

I know. Some people have been cruel. Op I think it's good advice to speak to your ds and thank him for being around when his siblings haven't been. Then leave the ball in his court.

You are still trying to blame your son's fiancée for all of this.

You are getting loads of really good and thought provoking advice on this thread but you are not taking any of it on board. I can hardly believe you called him back.

You are being demanding. You are demanding that he sees you on Mother's Day and it's clear he doesn't want to.

I think you should listen to him when he says you need to speak to social services.

Exactly. My dil always takes to do with cards & gifts for DH & I & we love the thought she has had input. Our son is involved too. He also takes to do with his mil gifts & celebrations. We are treated equally by them both. When they got married they became a big part of each others families.

Your son is just continuing to do what he has always done, and his partner is continuing what she has always done.

Agree with this. Reframe it like this and you might feel less hurt.

Unless you think she should do less now for her own mum and ‘downgrade’ to match her fiance?

My kids are at university. We have a really fun and close relationship. However, they are not in serious relationships yet.

One of my biggest fears would be to become a duty and obligation for them. We spend lots of time together currently when we can because we enjoy it. I have said that I never want them to feel they have to come and see me out of duty, and I do not want to become a ‘job’ for them.

What you describe is my worst nightmare. For whatever reason, your children are starting to see you as an obligation, like I see my parents. It must be so tough with your disabilities. But I really would suggest trying to create some kind of life for yourself independent of them. If they see you as a strong and independent mother, they will much more likely want to come and visit you.

I would be very careful now. It is really important that you do not put any more pressure on your son. I suspect his anger is partly because he is feeling guilty and trying to banish those emotions.

After all that waffle, my one piece of advice is to try and become somebody that your children want to see, rather than a parent they feel obliged to visit out of a sense of duty.

I can't imagine treating my mum to a meal,flowers & card & standing by watching my mil receive next to nothing. There again as mentioned before my son & dil treat both sets of parents as their own as did DH & I when we married. There has thankfully never been an us & them, you take care of yours I'll take care of mine situation in our marriages.

Blaming the dil again. Are you even reading the comments?!

ETA Sorry, you aren’t the OP. Apologies!

No,I think they are both to blame for not acting as a team with both sets of parents.

@FanHeater That's OK.I just have a different opinion of this situation.

If you had read all the OP's posts, you would know that she has unreasonable expectations of her youngest son who acted as her carer for many years and zero expectations of her older children who she never sees for Mother's Day.

She isn't phoning her older children twice in one night to tell them how disappointed she is that they are not coming to visit her on Mother's Day but she is doing that to her youngest son.

I presume that OP's DIL is trying to support and protect her partner who was parentified by his mum when he lived at home.

OP if you want to have a good relationship with this son, I think you really need to put some work in with him and his partner.

In fact, I would suggest that you take either just your son or both of them out for dinner one evening. and say the occasion is to thank your son for all he did for you when he lived at home, and it is also a celebration of the forthcoming wedding.

At the very least it would mark that you are aware of his next step in life and that you support him along the way.

You are at risk of losing your relationship with him. I think you need to suppress your frustration, anger and sadness actually. You need to bite your tongue and make a gesture to show that you can make a fresh start and that you support them. Otherwise, I feel your relationship is doomed. I hope I am never in this situation, but in your shoes this is what I would do next.

standing by watching my mil receive next to nothing

Why would you marry a man that gets his mum next to nothing? I’d look at a man like that and wonder if he’d treat me the same, how off putting. Unless there’s something else going on, which in the case of the OP there very clearly is.

@Simplynotsimple

standing by watching my mil receive next to nothing

Agree with you. This reads as though the wife is widowed and poor MIL doesn't have her son anymore.

Each person in a partnership is responsible for making a fuss for their own Mum.

What she does for her Mum and what he does for you aren’t really connected.

I agree with the first poster saying that “they” didn’t do anything.

So could that be the reason the others have distanced themselves?

I's a shame you argued again instead of just apologising.

In a nutshell:

*You don’t have a close relationship with your 4 adult children.

*Your DIL appears to have a very close and loving relationship with her Mum.

*Witnessing the relationship DIL has with her own Mum has made you feel jealous.
And I can understand and sympathise with that. Mother’s Day coming up has just highlighted this more to you.

However instead of reflecting on why you don’t have a close relationship with your own children and working on improving this - you are getting angry, lashing out, feeling sorry for yourself, making yourself the victim and doing nothing to make the situation better. In fact you have made things worse but phoning your son twice to have a row about it.

The people I know who have very close relationships with their parents - they had parents who were really loving and selfless during their childhoods, they grew up feeling loved, safe, supported. When they were teens and young adults their parents went to lengths to build a strong relationship with them, offering emotional support and help to them when needed. They were families who had fun together and once their children become adults they continue to organise social events for the family where they all come together regularly. In brief - they were people who worked really hard to be great hands on parents, who put in a lot of effort to build strong relationships with them as they grew into young adults.

Did you do this for your children? The answer may be yes and you have been incredibly unlucky. Only you and your children can know the answer to this question. I would really take time to reflect on whether you were a great parent to them and whether you have worked hard to support them selflessly as they became adults.

It’s not too late to turn this around if you want to have a closer relationship with your 4 children. But it involves effort and hard work from you, not acting the victim and having a go at them.

I think for a lot of MIL they are actually very touched if their DIL arranges it. My MIL certainly is- but then we have a close relationship. I think the difficulty of this discussion is that everyone’s relationships with their sons differ, their DIL differ,

Of course they are, but don't be under the illusion that all loving DIL's feels the same, she most likely loves MIL but would be happier if her Husband took on some of the brain load outside of their employment and hobbies.

I felt terrible when I stopped buying gifts for the inlaws. I know how much she appreciated it, however her son is an adult whose perfectly capable if it was his priority or benefited his needs.

He is a thoughtful loving son who visits at least 6 times a year, not local, but doesn't bother doing gifts, I do all the shopping for the children, their friends, teachers etc.

I done 10 years of it.

He sorts your gift etc for Mother’s Day, and she sorts her mums gift etc.

Its 100% on your son what he does or doesn’t do.

I wasn't specific about gender, as I don't think we know if all the other kids are sons or daughters, do we? What I'm saying though is that if they really wanted to see their mum, most of the kids are living a shorter distance away than I've commuted for some jobs. And that if taking all the family over makes that 1.5 hours trip too much, just the kid could pop over.
I wasn't thinking of mother's day at all with that thought though, more the kid who the OP hasn't seen in 5 years. It really wouldn't be so hard for that kid to have made that trip even once if they wanted to.
Edited to add: It's clear from the OPs updates that there are much messier family dynamics at play that are feeding her jealousy of her DILs relationship with her own mum. That's what's what I was thinking about the OP fixing, not fixating on making sure everyone got the same size bouquet.

I think OP has 5 children

3 who live about an hour and a half away
A daughter who lives 5 hours away
And the son who has finally stepped out of her house and she can't cope with all her children flying the nest so is blaming him

You can request assistance using the train here: https://www.nationalrail.co.uk/help-and-assistance/passenger-assist/. Get a local taxi service who you have explained your assistance needs to, to take you to the station, and your kids can collect you or taxi at the other end (likewise explain needs in advance so you get some confidence). The more that you can facilitate this, the more you can see your children and grandchildren. If you need Transport for London assistance, their details are here: https://tfl.gov.uk/transport-accessibility/help-from-staff.

I do think you've been unfair to lay all your needs on one child out of 5. It's his turn to start living life now, and there was no need for you to demand that one day instead of "any day to have lunch/ takeaway together that suits". Can you talk to the others about howvto see them more? Would moving to the city 3 kids live in be an option, so you see each one every few weeks but get to see someone every week?

You’re coming from the assumption that all mums are good mums. Some people are successful in spite of their parents.

That’s why I put ‘unless there’s something else going on’ in the latter part of my post. I’m understanding of that, I haven’t acknowledged either mother or Father’s Day for years due to bad parents unfortunately. My kids make me a card at school which is wonderful though!

Sorry why would they distance themselves from me because I don’t drink? I have rarely ever drank. I haven’t touched a drop in years because my medication doesn’t allow it. Not that that impacts my life because I would probably drink once a year before I got sick. You are all making wild assumptions.

my children are all busy because they have lives and children. I had a partner before I got sick but unfortunately we broke up because he couldn’t cope with it. I did have a life for myself. You are all acting as if I gave up on it once I got divorced from DS dad and locked myself away with DS but that isn’t the case. I had a good job but then I got sick and was medically retired and this meant that DS couldn’t move out. Yes he did a lot for me but equally I would always make sure he had dinner on the table and a hot meal available 3 times a day if he needed, I would make sure he had a tidy place to live. He never needed to worry about anything in the house as I made sure I paid him back this way. I didn’t take advantage of the fact he looked after me.