Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

Look into it OP, you might be able to do a deal where you have the company, and the young person does some jobs in return, without money changing hands, or speak to the Council and at least find out.

You haven't taken any of the advice on board if you're just having a go at him more

I think this too.

OP you haven’t answered my question. You never asked him to take you for a meal or buy you flowers before. Suddenly you are demanding to be “treated the same” which is frankly bonkers. Why do you feel entitled to request the same? She has her relationship and traditions with her mum. He is her partner so gets invited. You do not have the right to demand to be treated the same! He’s done a hell of a lot more for you than your other children and now he wants to build a life which he is entitled to do - and you resent it. There are ways you could have said something - like “next year could I see you on Mother’s Day” or something. You should apologise to your son and DIL before the relationship is damaged permanently.

@Nconee
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This tells you how to get train assistance.

Why don’t you organize a brunch or dinner at your house and invite all your children and their in laws over for the day. That way yo come off welcoming instead of demanding.

We’ve had this. I took my mum for a meal and my ridiculous MIL made my wife feel guilty for attending.

You can’t link the two. It’s a separate relationship and should be based on understanding and communication about what you’d like to do together.

This is a sad thread. OP, please listen to people's advice.
You were advised not to call your son to have the conversation you did and yet you called him twice.
You still seem to expect more from DIL than you do of all of your other kids. Yes, they have their own families but they don't live much further away than a lot of people commute daily. It wouldn't be that difficult for just your kids to visit while they're other halves look after the kids, if everyone coming is too much.
Step back, think about what you really want here and let people help you try to achieve that with your family.

Going against the grain here…I think your dc are all treating you badly. And you haven’t pulled any of them up on it. Maybe because subconsciously you know they won’t respond well.

I am sorry for you and your situation. Decent kids don’t leave their disabled mum without support. There are enough of them that they can and should step up to support you. I don’t know if there is a reason for the poor relationship you have with them all, or just that they are incredibly selfish and it’s too much bother for them to think about how to help you.

Having said that I do also think you haven’t built a life for yourself. I don’t know if that’s your personality and a neediness in you that you are passive in your own life and expect to be taken care of, or if your disability and life circumstances genuinely have prevented you from being a more rounded person.

I think it would be worth exploring how you could benefit yourself to have a fuller life, and how to have more of a voice with your children.

Sadly this maybe true .... having lived similar. ...

Kindly and gently op you need to exam your part in this.
How would you feel if you were in his shoes?
No one Owens their children
You do your best for them, and then as adults , they fly the nest.
I have 4 children.
I have zero expectations.
Mother's Day I usually get one card.
It doesn't matter - I know they all love me.

Out the 4 - one is super close - and one I hear from rarely.
I don't 'chase' any of them.

Of course I'd love to see more of them but that's life.
I used to make an effort either my dad because he was lovely.
But as mentioned mil was small doses - she tried to make my dhs life hell with her demands.
Is that how you want your son to feel ?
His loyalties are to his future wife now and any children that come along.
The new generation need a happy parent - deserve one.
With struggled, initially for years, trying to keep mil happy, balance work and bring up children....it was never enough for mil.
We stepped back... dh's brother , who lived in the same town did not ( think he was trying to gain some kind of validation) but he was treated appallingly by mil.
She once tricked him into coming over - when he was working aboard and he left work in a panic ( she was fine )
He paid out for jobs he never got refunded and then she more or lees cut him out the will.

So your son's life has changed and he is now working on starting his own family. He has less time available for caring for you. It sounds like he has done a lot for you and it's getting to be overwhelming for him. His suggestion to contact social services is a good one. Find out what other services are available to you that could take the load off him.

Agree
One of my friends actually had a nervous breakdown over her mums demanding ways and by neediness
Another relative, after 30 years of similar could her dm off and 10 years on is thriving like never before.
Both these parents needed therapy but sadly never saw themselves as the 'problem'.

PinkArt

when I said random stuff on random days I meant some days I might want different things to others. I work in retail so they definitely know when certain holidays are!!

I think there’s much more to this than we’ll ever unpick on here. But it’s quite telling that your other children don’t make an effort with you. If they wanted to spend time with you, they would.

I think you’ve been wholly unreasonable calling your son over this, and also you still seem to think the DIL is to blame. It’s nothing to do with her.

You said you did everything for DS, then said he used to take you everywhere. I suspect you didn’t show gratitude for the things he’s done over the years and it’s worn thin. And because he’s the most involved in your life you expect more and more and more.
Rather than blaming DIL for your current situation - which frankly will push DS further away - I think you should reflect on the relationship you have with all of your children and ask yourself why the others don’t make the effort.

Calling late at night on a Friday after you have already had words is not a good time to call. You need to let him cool down. Would you ring any of your other children at this time? I expect DIL was wondering why you were ringing at such a late time.
I agree with him that maybe social services or your GP should be someone to contact. It sounds like you need help at home and also putting it kindly, help emotionally and mentally. I think you have a lot of free time hence being fixated on something minor. Many people have explained to you mother's day being up to their children to organise. Your son always gets you a card and photo frame. You are only unhappy as have seen DIL family do different. That might be their normal.

You also seem to be ignoring comments about how much your son has been your carer and how he is now enjoying the freedom. Your other children could help but choose not to, I am guessing as they know it is hard work and they don't want to be your carer. I think you need to look at paid for care or look at social prescribing for groups you could join so you are less isolated.

And they will no doubt have very very valid and compelling reasons why they don’t

on the basis of this OP, I would be adopting same approach

^ this ^

Your DIL wants to spend Mother's Day with HER Mum. Your DS could spend it with you or otherwise make a fuss of you if he chose to. No need for him to tag along with DIL. Direct your annoyance at your DS if you must, but your DIL has done nothing wrong.

I would hate anyone ringing me at 9pm tbh. I won’t usually answer the phone after 7pm, as it’s my evening time and I want to eat dinner/watch TV/relax doing whatever. I don’t want anyone impinging on my evening with a phone call.

Sorry OP but have you considered that they don't invite you out to things because of your health. If your son invited you to be part of the wedding party his day would be spent looking after you. If you can't go out for meals how could you cope with a big get together. I think your children seem thoughtless but this son at least was doing a lot for you. Don't drive him away. Your health issues must have been difficult for him to cope with. That's not your fault but it is the reality.

But obviously if all 4 are distancing themselves from her then the likelihood is that she is the problem, no?

I can’t honestly believe that anyone would ring their adult son and demand to know what’s happening on Mother’s Day. There is obviously a lot of complexity in your relationship with your son, with him having effectively been your carer before he moved out. But you are focusing on one day out of a whole year, a day that was artificially imposed on society to make people buy more stuff. Some people like to make a big fuss. Others are more low key. I cared for my mum for several years and it was tough going. I would have been very put out if she had complained about what I did or didn’t buy her or do with her on Mother’s Day, considering that most of the days of the year were a very obvious demonstration of how much I loved her.

i think you need to fill your time with something edifying that stops you fixating on this one thing. You can’t demand that you are treated equally with someone else’s mother. Your son will run for the hills. It sounds as if he’s already eyeing them up to be fair.

I can’t honestly believe that anyone would ring their adult son and demand to know what’s happening on Mother’s Day.

I can well imagine this OP doing that

Hence 4 children wanting to distance themselves from her

You need to apologise OP.

If your request, didn't stem from jealousy, it would be different.

You've had a good kicking here, I hope you're okay.

Sadly, the youngest or kindest children usually gets shafted as the longterm carer.

I read all your posts OP. Sad.

If anything you should be wishing him well, thanking him for all the support and care he gave over the years.

In fact I'd be delighted he is in a relationship, sadly I've seen it many times, the adult child left at home as a carer, don't often have the opportunity to meet someone and form a loving relationship, you've put too much weight on his shoulders.

Say thank you and set him free, if he visits occasionally great, it's not the relationship you desire but he didn't have the relationship he desired as a child/teenager at home either.