Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

She was warned not too. Seems like she doesn't listen.

You went and phoned him again ? this evening

gosh !

If your youngest son has children, will be OK with him not visiting like you are with your older children.

It sounds like you got an awful lot of help from your son when he lived with you and you are upset that he can't do this any more but you have no expectations of help from your older children and you aren't annoyed with them.

Do you think that your son has spoken to your DIL and her mum about how much help he gave you with very little appreciation and how you are fine that your older children can't help? That may be why they aren't keen to have a relationship with you.

@Nconee What was this second call about? I’m just wondering how you approached it and how it ended in an argument. I hope you are ok, OP, and it’s hard to advise without honestly knowing whether your DC are all quite unreasonable or if you have a difficult relationship with them more because of things you’ve done or said in the past. If you honestly reflect without deflecting to focus on Mother’s Day or anything else, what do you feel is the truth of the situation? What do you think of the advice on here from various people about things like focusing more on your own life, giving a bit of space to DC? And when you do speak to them, what do you think about trying to have open and reflective conversations without blame? Is that something that one or more of them might be open to?

If most of your kids only live an hour and a half away, why do you see them so rarely? My in-laws live around 2 hours away and we go to see them every 6 weeks or so and have done since my teens were born.

I think your youngest is correct. It shouldn’t all fall to him, particularly if you need to rely on family for support.

Unfortunately I disagree with you, it should never be up to children to be carers there are lots of avenues to get help first. Children shouldnt be burdened with parents at such a young age, help is one thing but being completely physically and emotionally dependent on your child is incredibly selfish. I think some people actually make excuses as to why they cant do things or cant accept help from anyone but their children. But you can absoloutely bet that any relationship like this is unhealthy and built on resentment

What was the purpose of the second call, what were you hoping to achieve?

Are you really surprised son & DIL are getting fed up and distancing themselves from you?

I doubt very much if his response is "because you asked to see him on Mother's Day".

There is clearly a reason why he is talking about getting yourself an assessment from Social Care.
Presumably related to the reason your other dc keep their distance.
This isn't about Mother's Day at all.
If you need as much care as you have suggested on this thread, then yes, you need to think about how that care can be managed.

Your rang him around 10pm to chat? Yeah in my family that’s an emergency someone better be dead time to call.

And yet again “I’m sure I heard Dil telling him what to say”

no this is the last of your four children who’s had enough of you trying to control their lives basically. The fact you called again to argue Mother’s Day to the one child who actually did care and is now stepping back speaks volumes.

Why?

Do you drink?!

Having seen your updates, I think this is a case of lots of things being true at once:

• you were unreasonable to pin the blame for not getting the same treatment as your MIL on your DIL, rather than your son.
• you treat yours son unreasonably compare to your other children just because they have children of their own.
• it’s sad that every time you’ve tried to suggest meeting up for joint meals etc that your son and DIL have said no.

I think maybe give it a few days to let your son cool off and in the meantime, equalise the expectations you put on your son to your other children.

Is this thread for real?

Your son should be entitled to a life like the rest of your child have. He's due to get married and eventually start a family not be a live in carer for you. If life is so hard then you need to get carers in from the social. Out of interest how old are you. It sounds like your other dc had enough and distanced themselves. Being a carer for a family member is exhausting never mind someone who's young and has their life ahead of them.

I’ve not wanted to say it as the op is obviously vulnerable but it the more posted the more it reads as a similar situation in my own family. One by one the kids fell away until the last child was guilted so badly (I can’t cope without you, if you leave then I’ll be all alone, guess I’m no use to anyone anymore) they eventually went full NC. It was incredibly damaging to their mental health and the parent did end up needing outside care because the kids wouldn’t get dragged back for any reason.

You rang him at 10 o'clock at night to have another go?

OP you are MASSIVELY unreasonable!!

You are demanding. You say you did "everything" for him but he was the one running you around, looking after you, taking time off work...

Expect more from your other children and stop blaming him for your shitty MD

I haven’t drank in years

It wasn’t 10pm it was just after 9 I rang

Well done on repeatedly missing the point OP ..... is this even real? I'm starting to doubt because you cannot be this delusional about how selfish you are being. God help your son and DIL

Why did you tell him you were calling at 9? I’m not sure why you posted when you’re not listening to anything anyone’s saying. I feel really sad for your son. I hope your children are close to each other.

Well
That makes it OK then 😒

Sorry whilst I have taken a lot of advice on board here I am not actually sure what is wrong with ringing at 9pm? I always ring him at 9?

I will obviously respect his wishes and not ring again at that time if this is how he feels. I’m not selfish!

Why did you ring him after having an argument earlier?

And how often do you ring him at 9pm, that's quite late and quite intrusive

What, every day? And why ring again when you’d already had one argument, surely it would have been far better to give it 24 hours at least? I’d have given it a few days not a couple of hours! If you carry on like this he will pull away and it won’t be your DiL’s fault, or his.