Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

Christ, don't do that.

Unfortunately OP did and her son was rude and dismissive.

Don’t do this. He’s almost certainly going to say that he has no plans with you - or you’d know about them - and it’s just going to make you feel awful and him feel pressured.

As someone who has young kids, I can see why life is manic… especially if you can’t offer much “help”, because most of my friends see their parents weekly but they also provide childcare, either alone or in support, and they’d see them a lot less if they didn’t.

But it seems your son has carried the load for the rest of your children for some time now; and while I can appreciate that him leaving must have been hard, and I think the last child to leave is always the hardest, that is quite unfair. And it’s quite possible that your DIL has helped him recover a bit and process everything, and that’s made her a bit distant too. That’s definitely true of my relationship with my MIL. He has always struggled with her expectations and pressures, and he has naturally talked about and worked through some of that with me, and I can see the impact on him… so that did change my opinion of her, somewhat.

Can you build more of a support network around yourself?

OP cant you see how unfair you've been depending on your son so much? It's not up to him to be your carer, he should be out living his life and I have to be honest if my partner had a mother like that I'd not be the biggest fan either.
It's not on your DIL to organise your mothers day stuff, it's up to your son and that's where your issue is.
I used to commute nearly 90mins each way to work and then work 45hr a week so sorry the excuse from your other children is nonsense. I suspect they are all distancing themselves and your son is resentful its all left up to him just cause he has no children.

I think you need to get real. 4 kids. Not one makes the effort.

Was he?

When I read your OP my original assumption was that perhaps her siblings all chipped in for the presents/meal - would explain a bigger budget. It’s fair enough to feel sad but that’s on your children not clubbing together & planning rather than your children’s spouses. Might be fixed with some clear communication to all your children that you’d feel valued by ‘XYZ’, could they think about that for mother’s days going forward. People don’t know you’re hurt if you don’t communicate but it has to be reasonable, clear and fair from your side.

Re the MIL comparison, it won’t have been a concerted effort to spend more on her than they have on you. I have even said just this evening to my husband that I’m not sorting his mum’s present as I don’t have capacity, me and my siblings will do my mums and he and his siblings and sort theirs. And we have fully joint accounts. But he has more siblings so by nature, his mum will get a ‘bigger’ present if all siblings spend equally.

I love his mum but I just don’t want to take the present planning on for the next 40 years.

You might find it helpful to mute the Facebook postings as they are clearly upsetting you. I can appreciate you feeling the way you do, but I would never have invited my MIL dress shopping, and we get along just fine. I honestly don’t think this is a personal affront, so communicate how you’re feeling to your son as graciously as you can and whatever comes of the conversation should help move things forward for you.

I am good at organising and sorting presents. He is rubbish at it. Why would I not help him?

None of those things are jobs that should be your jobs that he does because he's better at them, they are things for the running of your home.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do your husband's Mother's Day stuff if it suits you both but it's not the same as him doing things in your home or for your children.

I don't think it's unusual for kids to initially take quite a big step back when they first move out.

If you have 4 kids they could make sure you have regular visits without it being too onerous for any of them I would have thought.

You seem to have fallen into the trap of expecting the most of the one who has always done the most.

Perhaps you owe him an apology?

Agree with others I'd never take my MIL wedding dress shopping, it's quite a personal thing.

I think you're disappointed in your own children and their excuses and blaming your DIL.

Get off Facebook and stop comparing yourself to your DIL's mum! You're inventing things to get cross about!!

‘Hi love, I just sorted the recycling and it made me forget that my mother exists. Can you help me?’. Somehow I’m not buying it. Much like men and a token of appreciation for the people they apparently care about…

OP now you've provided more background I can see why your son is upset. Communicate to all your children that you'd like a family get together for Mother's Day (whether on the actual day or another) and lean on them all a bit more equally- but also find other sources of support so you aren't doing so much leaning. Are there ways you can help them? I'd apologise to your DS and say you've realised how much he's done for you and you love him, and that's why you were pushing to see him, but you recognise you are expecting more of him than the others which has made him feel pressured so you're sorry.

Funnily enough I was going to do an AIBU post today around not buying my MIL presents / cards etc for her birthday and Mother’s Day. My view is that is my partner’s responsibility to sort and he’s her mum. He gets her nothing. I get my mum a nice present and go out for dinner with her (I don’t pay to be fair, she usually insists on at least half!!) I pay for this out of my own money, not the joint account.

So yes I think YABU but interested in views!!

Unfair as it seems, that is life though. Sometimes parents end up having to rely on children for assistance. They dont choose to. Its just how the chips fall. There are children as young as 6/7 who are deemed 'Young Carers', because they have to either care for disabled parents/siblings. It's not fair to berate the OP for this. I am sure if she had alternatives she would have exhausted these. From a pedestrian point of view , yes,it seems unfair , but sometimes, life can be unfair.

@Nconee I am sorry that you are in this position. Difficult as it seems, its best if you try and not expect anything from your son. Expectation can lead to disappointment. No expectation, no disappointment. Your ds has moved in with your dil to be, so he will probably have to keep your dil sweet (happy wife/happy life and all that), so you may feel sidelined a lot in future. He has his own life now, and if he chooses to keep his distance, there isn't much you can do. But , of course it is upsetting. You need to try and manage your expectations. Try and stay away from social media if you can, if seeing photos of them upset you. Maybe try and arrange to meet up for lunch with your sisters/ friends. I would leave him to it. I would not contact him unless I really have to. Give them their space. I sincerely hope you find peace and happiness 🤗 💐

Op it's awkward but try and change your expectations.
If he feels your needy and he has already done lots for you but the others haven't he may feel resentment.

He wasn't born to be your career sp.
I would turn this on its head he's done so much for you already and now he's a young free person whose at the beginning of his life's journey. Your the guilty thorn in his side.

Don't ask or nag any more lower your expectations right down, this young man has already done so much for you that older married sons don't do for elderly frail mum!!

I would even after a while send him a card saying, I'm sorry for making you feel you have not done enough I was just sad on mums day, you have already done so much for me and I'm so grateful I feel closer to you but that doesn't mean I shld expect more from you. Tell him your proud and so found wonderful partner etc then leave it and back off for now.

Good luck op

This is really sad OP. It sounds as though your DS does feel burdened as he is the one who lives nearby but why would he not want to go out of his way for mother's day for you?

You can't help it but sadly I feel your illness and disability is contributing to your lack of contact with your other children. I mean you can technically get a taxi to the station, travel by train and hopefully one of your kids will get you at the other end and maybe you can stay in a B and B?

But if they have small kids that need looking after, I can see why they don't want to add to that.

This is the sad reality and I am sorry for you

You’re looking for trouble.

I agree with others that it’s not down to your DIL but your DS to arrange your Mother’s Day. I don’t buy anything for my MIL and the fact I don’t like her has nothing to do with my decision. She’s not my mother she’s his (thank god).

But he is right. You have other children yet only demanding ds trends you

I remember when I first met my partner and our first Christmas together. I have always bought special cards that say mum etc. on them, while buying my own mum one, I bought for his parents too that said mum and dad.

I gave it my partner to give her but she instinctively knew it was me and thanked my profusely as her son (my partner) had never bought one before 😅

Sadly my mum is no longer with us but I always made show they were treat exactly the same, if we went out for a meal with my mum, I made sure to invite his mum too and if she couldn't have made it for whatever reason, we would have arranged another date.

Since my mum passed away, my partners mum has been my rock and treat me like one of her own.

We have children and I would never dream of us not seeing her on mother's day just because we have children. We are both mother's and without her, my children wouldn't be here, she's wonderful and deserves the world. I hope your son and DIL come to see the same in you OP.

So all the burden of caring for you fell on your youngest son? Why don't you expect any help from your older children? You don't seem put out at all by their absence but you are angry with your youngest. That doesn't seem fair to me.

I rang again and we ended up having another argument. I’m sure I could hear DIL in the background whispering what to say to him. He said I’m demanding and he doesn’t have the time to spare and to speak to social services!!! All because I asked to see him on Mother’s Day!!!

he ended the phone call by telling me not to ring again so late unless it was an emergency.

You are being utterly unreasonable and directing your anger at completely the wrong person.

You have an adult dc you haven't seen for 5 years even though they live in the same country ? You have other dc that could drive to you and back in a day, yet you don't mind that none of them bother with you ?
You won't visit them and build a relationship with your Grandchildren ?

I do try and I constantly bring gifts for the grandchildren and I go down as near to their birthdays as possible. I got a lift down the other month but only saw them for an hour in the morning as they had family plans in the afternoon. I love my children and my grandchildren but unfortunately I cannot force them to come and see me if they don’t want to. I understand they are busy, they all have 3+ children.