Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

1.5 hours is nothing, when my dad was ill, I was doing that every weekend. You keep saying when you can get to them, you stay with them. But why aren’t they popping down to see you, say one a month for a visit, it’s not far! You are disabled and on your own, I’m sorry OP your other kids need to make more of an effort! Twice a year visits isn't good enough. And why can’t the one who lives 5 hours away drive down to see you a couple times a year, as well as you having to plan to get the train to them?

Surely if you know that it means something to MIL, her own son should too? Especially since he's so lovely.

If he wanted to do something about it, he would. There's plenty of ways to help remember birthdays and other important dates.

That isn't on you, it's on him because it's his mum and he should be the one making the effort.

That's sad to hear 😔

Agree with this!

That's unnecessarily cruel

I've been the dil in this situation.
I so wanted to have a close , loving relationship with her, having lost my dm when younger.
But she was very demanding, manipulative and could really heap on the emotional blackmail with a huge helping of guilt chucked in for good measure.
She had absolutely zero self awareness.
I really tried, but like the rest of the family we could only deal with mil in small doses.
Yes she was lonely but could never see how demanding life was for us with work and children
It did get better when she met her partner

I organise Mother’s Day for my MIL as she does a lot for us and I know it means something to her. It would feel wrong for me to just do something for my lovely mum as I view us as a team who each have different strengths/weaknesses

So, what does your husband do that should be solely your responsibility but he's better at it so he does it instead?

Does he do all your packing when you go away?
Does he brush your teeth?
Does he put fuel in your car?
Does he buy all of your clothes?

OP, I know it's not what your post is about, but from what you've said about your son being your carer until he moved in with his fiancee, and that you're lonely on your own, I'm wondering whether it might be worth you considering a lodger? Some older people invite a younger person to lodge with them, for perhaps a lesser cost than they would pay in a house share with people of their own age, and then in return the lodger, helps out with odd jobs here and there. Sometimes they even end up as really good friends. I just think it might be worth looking into in a situation such as your own.

Could you look into getting yourself a carer so you don’t feel that you have to rely on your son? You might not feel such resentment for him (or his wife, who is blameless here)

Your mobility might be better if you use a wheelchair, if you're vulnerable to falling while using the walker. You would have more independence and could visit your children.

I think you shouldn't follow your DILs mum on facebook, it's not going to bring you any joy. They sadly sound very unwelcoming, so you need to concentrate on your relationship with your son, and strengthening your relationship with your other kids.

Agree
Horrible post,

I would say the biggest issue here is your other 3 children who live less than 2 hours away and don't bother their arse! I can see why your son feels so down, he has all the pressure and is expected to do everything.

I think you need to speak to the rest of your family, your DIL is not the problem they are!

I mean it’s not on the daughter in laws mum to be ops friend either.

Three? Children have moved away and barely bother with op. The last child is following footsteps.

I ask them all the time but they all have multiple children and are busy a lot. Or I can’t get down there. Or they don’t have space for me to stay over. They do visit but they have lots going on.

now DS is planning the wedding he is quite often busy too. I ask when his days off are and invite them over and he says he has wedding plans, I message DIL and she ignores me

Not really. If my dh treated his mum less than I treated my mum I'd be appalled. Unless there was obvious reasons.

This is a great idea - even if it's a student who stays during term time, you'd have the company.

I don’t think I can sub let a council property

Honestly op as harsh as this post is going to be. All of your children have or are distancing themselves from you. For reasons known to them and likely deep down known to you.

You need to build a life away from them to fill the spaces and to not be lonely.

Also you need to let him build his own life with your blessing.
It's hard but it's what we do as adults
They are only lent to us and it's an honour
Let them go and they will fly home

Yes he took me shopping, to hospital appointments, helped me if I fell over and took time off work etc.

I think he's probably felt you've been quite dependent on him. Can you get some caring support?

I have 3 children work full time and live 9 hours from my family and I manage to visit them 3 or 4 times a year.

You seem to be depending on your poor son just because the rest can't be bothered, what would you do if he moved 2 hours away? No one should be too busy to visit their parents especially when they live so close, your other kids sound awful.

Do you have friends? Siblings? Your own hobbies and interests that take up your time? Work, volunteering?

I could be wrong, but the impression I get is that you are resentful that your children have their own lives, partners, children……. and you feel a bit lonely. If so, I understand and I empathise. But maybe impending Mother’s Day is stirring up feeling in you of feeling lonely and unloved. And that’s not your adult children’s fault. They need to live their own lives and you need to build your own future that doesn’t revolve around them. Make new friends, make new hobbies etc?

I don't think you need to report it to them - you have a spare room, someone is staying in it, you're not letting out the whole flat.

He does nearly everything practical around the house. Fixes appliances, clears gutters, takes out the rubbish etc…

We both cook and clean, look after the kids etc…

I am good at organising and sorting presents. He is rubbish at it. Why would I not help him?