Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

before I say something.

Say something???!!!

It's dependent on the person giving as to the level. If it wasn't for me MIL wouldn't get anything. As it is level of effort is similar for both, however value is different.
I get my mum a card and chocolates
I get MIL a card and a bunch of flowers or jelly sweets

My mum hates flowers and MIL prefers sweets to chocolate. Sometimes I let ds choose what we're getting them and they end up with the most random things, a few years back MIL got massive fluffy socks while my mum got a rainbow mug because MIL "always has cold feet when she comes over" and mum "drinks loads of tea" and he liked rainbows at the time

Are you being entirely honest with yourself about your relationship with your DS? Because you’d always both say you were doing everything for him when he lived at home until recently but also are so disabled you can’t get a train without help? And your other children seem quite keen to distance themselves from you.

Theres still time to repair your relationship with your DS and build one with your DIL but you can’t do that if you aren’t being honest with yourself.

I was thinking about asking DS to be mindful of treating us both the same this Mother’s Day. I do see how this will come across now so I will refrain.

it is jaw dropping that you were going to do this

absolutely jaw dropping

YABVVVU
You do mothers day for your mother. She is doing it as she has always done it and so is he. If you've a problem with the amount of effort he puts in then you address the complaint to him. You do not mention her. How your son treats you is about you and him not her.

Yes he took me shopping, to hospital appointments, helped me if I fell over and took time off work etc. I have never required personal care like bathing or anything like that. But I felt safer in the house when I wasn’t alone.

They don’t visit either side at Christmas to keep it fair. They did it one year and said it was too much travelling. They came up to see me the week before this year and I stayed home alone.

"would always get me similar for Mothers Day"

So continue to expect similar.
It is daft to think he should now start getting you different things?
Just because others do things differently does not mean your ds now has to do the same as them.

I did everything for him when he lived here

Bollox you did. You said he drove you “everywhere” and that was just for starters

I think this is it. I am very lonely since he moved out and now I see the effort she makes with her mum and it makes me sad. I have done everything I can to make her feel welcome and she was always welcome in my house before he moved into hers. You are right I have been ill for a few years and I think I got used to having the support there.

I am lucky I do have some friends and my sisters nearby who are very helpful and take me shopping so I am not completely alone 🩷

so none of your other children saw you at Christmas either

just how many other children do you have ?

He does have a point though. You are putting it all on him, and you do have other children. They should ALL be doing more, whether they have children or not. And it does sound like he did an awful lot for you when he was at home. So it’s a tough one. I can understand why you’d feel upset when you see them all out for meals with her family, but you probably need to say to all your children that it would be nice to see them once in a while on Mother’s Day.

Op I’m guessing you spend a lot of time alone and inside the four walls of your home witb very limited interaction with anyone

and you’re about to piss up the wall your relationship with the one child you do actually see vaguely regularly

You push yourself for the other two but not for him. I've recently in the last few years had spinal issues. I push myself for all my children. Dose up on painkillers. Me, my stick and a friendly arm sometimes are all I have, but I make the most of what I have minimising my discomfort.

I have 4.

3 live in a city about an hour and a half away, I stay with one of them as long as I can get up there and they probably travel to see me about twice a year. The other lives 5 hours away and I haven’t been well enough to go and see her since just after COVID. I will look into the train assistance but I am not technology savvy at all

Covid - do you mean all the lock downs 5 years ago

or are you saying you had to recover from having Covid.

you are tec savvy enough to use Mumsnet, so you are tec savvy enough to book a train ticket

I mean the lock down.

I can book a train ticket but it would be safely travelling on the trains I can’t do. I cannot go anywhere with out a lift

I think you’re getting a hard time here OP.

My DH is rubbish with remembering birthdays. Mother’s Day etc. He’s lovely and practical but gifts aren’t important to him so he just doesn’t see that other people can place value on them.

I organise Mother’s Day for my MIL as she does a lot for us and I know it means something to her. It would feel wrong for me to just do something for my lovely mum as I view us as a team who each have different strengths/weaknesses.

@Nconee - you are asking if the MiL should have any rights or be treat with respect and equally….your mistake is asking here on MN.

The MiL always gets a kicking here, disgraceful behaviour by other women.

Yes, it is hurtful that this family treat you as they do. Yes, I would be hurt if the arrangements and gifts favour one person over another.

I accept though that your DS needs to step up too.

I can never reason that MiL’s are mother’s too, the same person! Many females on here will go on to be the MiL too!

Google is your friend, just type in ' how do I get assistance on a train journey '

Yes, YABVU.

No point in repeating all the reasons as they have already been stated.
The fact your DiL2B has a tradition of doing things differently on Mothers Day from your s and your ds's tradition is none of your business.

The way my dh interacts with his Mum is nothing to do with the way I choose to interact with mine.

Also, if someone were sending us money, it would go in to our joint account. But DH and I still have separate accounts for our own spending.

I rang him and I am sad to say he won’t be coming to see me on Mother’s Day. We had an argument and he told me he’s sick of it all being on him all the time and I have other children.

He's got a good point.

you haven't seen your daughter for 5 years ?

what does she send you for Mother's Day

Personally think the wedding dress shopping is a red herring. I get on absolutely fine with MIL. Check in on her via message, see her roughly once a fortnight, have taken her on holiday with us. Put effort in to her birthday etc, especially if a big one but didn't ask her to go wedding dress shopping. I think that's something you do with your mother generally. I think you are reading too much in to this x

I don't think the problem is your DIL .. I think it's all of your children. The way she treats her mum is simply providing a contrast to the way they treat you and highlighting your situation.

Could you let them know how you feel/ask if you can spend more time with them?

Shame these men who manage to work amazing jobs and remember intricate details day to day so not to get fired can’t work out how to put a yearly reminder in their calendar to ‘buy card and flowers’. Teamwork for men seems to be ‘if I pretend I don’t know how to do it, it will be done for me’. The most amazing part is the women who genuinely believe they’re not capable of doing it, like the male brain is not built in with a capacity to remember loved ones birthdays without it being spelled out.

Seems very rare that a woman says ‘I don’t remember when my mum’s birthday is, my husband makes sure she gets something because that’s not one of my strengths’….