Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

Sorry he reacted like he did. He could easily come the day before if he really couldn’t get out of dinner with his wife’s mother. Very ungrateful. I don’t live near to my mum and so don’t spend mothers day with her, not in 24yrs. But when I move back north next year I shall we taking my mother for a meal every year, hopefully my adult kids will come down and we can all have a meal together. I can understand why you feel hurt, but it’s on your son.

Tbh a perspective he could have is, you push yourself to go out when one of his other siblings come down. But you won't go out with him for a meal as it's too much trouble.
Do you think he may have taken on more responsibility over your other children over the years? have you inadvertently had expectations for him to be there as and when needed and sort out things?

I have been significantly disabled before i found treatment and recovery. I do really feel for you. It is isolating and tbh depressing. I never travelled, as although you can get assistance. The meticulous planning required, making sure you get the aisle seats, the right carriage near the toilets, the nightmare of busy trains and needing assistance at changes. It's like you need an event planner and by lunchtime your exhausted. I gave up going out because it was always such a mission and when you are constantly poorly the "burden" feeling is depressing and tbh it does make you act differently.
I know at the time I didn't realise how much I put on those around me, it's only looking back from a better place i can see the strain I had on my family. When your in the thick of it the isolation and disability is overwhelming, so it's hard to see how others are feeling and what's going on in there lives.

I agree and very good advice. DS needs to up his game imo.

So DIL shouldn’t be allowed to organise cake or flowers for her mum, she should stick to a frame and a takeaway so OP doesn’t feel slighted?

Or does DIL have to start buying and sorting those things for OP as her son can’t be bothered?

Which do you think would be fair?

I think it's a bit odd that they didn't invite you and do a joint mother's day meal. Surely your son must notice the difference re your day and his mil?'s day? I'd be hurt too I think.

Why would you think that?

Wow, times seem to have changed! When I was married my husband and I were partners and we organised celebrations and purchased gifts together - none of this "it's your mother, it's my mother" sort of divide. We did spend more time with my DM on Mother's Day, but that was because I'm an only child.

YANBU OP, despite what the usual nutty MNers think.

You aren't DILs mother.

Therefore if you want bells and whistles on M Day it's up TO YOUR SON to provide the bells and whistles

I'd try to make friends with DIL or once your son has married her, things will only get worse imo

Why not ring her and ask her and son over to yours for MDay. If they can't make it on the Sunday, organise something for Saturday evening

Start showing willing and being friendly

You might find that you'll get more from DIL that way

So it's nutty to not accept sexism? The OP's posts are all about blaming a woman for the actions (or lack of) of a man.

Which gifts did your husband purchase?

Wow your husband bought MD gifts for both his and your mother and organised celebrations for them? Times have changed, there was me thinking ‘back in the day’ men just thought it was wife’s work and their part was to pay for it…

Sorry you are feeling rejected or pushed aside.
I think a bit of therapy could help you as you being jealous of what your DIL does with her mother feels like a nursery type of upset to me.
Your son is right that you also have other children and it shouldnt all be for him to do. Is he the youngest?

Just because your other DC have their own DC, you no longer cease to be their Mother. I have DC but we will visit my DM on Mothers Day- one of my DC will come with me. DH is going to see his DM, and he and his DSis are taking her out for brunch.
It will be quite a few miles on the day, both Mothers are a couple of hours away, but I will be back home in the evening so my DC are assembling to make me a curry.
I totally agree with your youngest DS that it is unfair to expect any Mothers Day input should only come from him. He needs to call your other DC and point out you will be alone.

Sorry OP but you sound really, really draining.

Sad though it is to say OP, you are the mother of a SON. There is an old saying:

'A daughter's a daughter all of her life, a son is a son until he get's him a wife'.

Effectively, your son now has a wife (albeit they're not married yet), and his priority is now his wife (to be). Very few brides that I've known have included their future MIL in shopping for their wedding dress, as they don't really know the MIL that well, and don't want to risk her telling her son what the dress is like in her excitement. Then, just to top it off the hurt, when they have a family, you'll likely hardly get a look in with their babies, as her Mum will be top of the list when it comes to babysitting, etc. I'm afraid it just seems to be a sad fact that mothers of sons, don't very often get a look in, once their son gets a partner or wife.

Hence, if you really want a look in with your son in the future, I'm afraid you're going to have to make friends with his fiancee, and as you already feel she doesn't like you, I think you're going to find that a tough job. I'm so sorry that this is the case, but think you need to know that this tends to be the way of things.

It sounds like you don't treat him equally. You imply here that he wouldn't ask you out for lunch but you wouldn't want to go out just the two of you anyway because you are not well. However if your other children come then you 'push yourself' therefore make the effort for them.

Are you actually housebound? It is unclear to what extent you leave the home e.g. able to do shopping, or if you are registered disabled and have carers?

I know no one in the situation

but my hunch is… I’m not least bit surprised this DIL isn’t too keen on the OP.

Simply put, no they should not be treated the same just because their children are in a relationship together. Everyone has different relationships with their parents. As long as the relationship stays as it was and not change, unless naturally for the better, then you should not expect to be suddenly treated the way your future DIL treats her parents. If you naturally want an improved and better your relationship with your DS then you need to work on that with him because it’s something you want to improve, not because your now jealous your future DIL has what you feel is a better relationship with her mother.

No carers no but I get PIP and cannot work. I have never drove. I rely on lifts from other people as it isn’t safe to use transport by myself. When my son lived with me he would often take me to the train station. I can walk but not far and have a walker but I am prone to falling.

Was your son essentially your carer when he lived with you?

I have suggested group meals before ie when they got engaged and this has always been blocked. I have tried multiple times to reach out to DIL’s mum but it’s clear she isn’t interested in any kind of relationship with me

Yes my son took me everywhere

How often do your other children visit you?

Not just driving
other caring duties?

what happens at Christmas?