Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

I send my mum a card and a small gift or flowers each Mothers Day. I pay for this from my own account, not our joint account, and I sign the card from only me - not my partner or child as she is not their mum. I don't take anything to do with what my partner gets his mum. Not because I don't like her (I've known her 10 years now) but because she's not my mum! Usually he'll send a card but never a present - but his family are not card/present people in general.

I’m going to be away on Mother’s Day. I’m fully expecting my sons will completely forget it. I really don’t care. I know they love and value me.

I think girls make more of a fuss for their mums as a rule.

So do I! I wonder if it’s the same woman 😂😂

@Nconee My first instinct when I saw you say that your DIL wouldn’t be organising anything was an eye-roll. Like others have posted, I wanted to say ‘of course she won’t, and nor should she. You’re not her mother!’ as I hate the gendered expectation put on women to do these things. I may be wrong, but reading through, I get a much deeper sense of your sadness and perhaps feelings of isolation. It would be easy to channel these in the form of resentment and towards the DIL or focusing on a particular day rather than possibly confronting difficult feelings about your relationships with your own children. My instinct is that this is about much more than Mother’s Day. I read in your posts a general exasperation along the lines of ‘well, if they don’t show me what I consider is enough love and consideration for the rest of the year, the very least they could do is make an effort on Mother’s Day’. This then seems to be taken a step further in an attempt to reconcile your perception of yourself as a long-suffering but reasonable person, with the focus being put on the child who could easily travel to you (‘see, I’m not being unreasonable. I don’t ask for much, just for the one closest to visit’). As others have pointed out, this may have created an unreasonable burden on your son which he resents. I think this is worth looking at the other way around, however. If you were truly happy with your relationships with your children, Mother’s Day would probably be a much less big deal because you would be made to feel secure all year around. I say this with kindness because I think that Mother’s Day is being made to be a straw man here, and you’ve already put the focus on it in your call to your son, which hasn’t ended well. Would it be helpful to talk your feelings through with a neutral friend and try to be open and reflective with yourself about your true feelings about your current situation? Ultimately, if you feel a bit isolated and lonely and long to change your relationship with your children (and forgive me if I’m reading this wrong, but that’s the impression I get), the most powerful way to do this is from a position of self-reflectiveness. It then totally changes the dynamic of the conversation and the focus on the single child. Your next conversation with your son could be a non-blaming one, about how you wonder if there is any way you could strengthen your bond, any way you could take a more active part in their life (in a non-pressuring way) and any thing you could do to make that easier. You might ask him if there is anything he would like to talk about, or any feelings he has that he wants to get off his chest. You could have a similar conversation with all your children. I feel this could be really powerful. Ultimately, you can’t change other people but you can change the way you frame things and approach things, which makes a happy outcome more likely. Good luck!

How do you feel about the celebrations your other son’s mils get compared to what they give you? Or is it just this adult child.

Where you pinning the last hopes of a close tight-nit family with grandchildren since the others all live so far away?

Then the door slamming shut on that’s what’s actually triggered this jealous outburst compared to how his siblings treat you, which has realistically set how he feels he should be able to have his relationship with you as well and feels put upon that you expect more from him.

YABU for caring so much about Mother's Day

I have just read your latest update. I’m sorry I have misjudged the situation. I’m so sorry for you really . This is way more than Mothers Day it sounds as if you are feeling so left out and unappreciated. Unfortunately I think you are always going to feel left out as your DIL and son will probably make their own lives. Could you start building up friendships and widening your circle yourself. Otherwise I’m afraid this situation of feeling left out might take over for you

Why not suggest you all have a joint meal out together as you’re all about to become family soon.

I’m sorry you’ve had a falling out.

I’m sure it will pass. I’d leave it a couple of days and send a message saying you are so sorry you had a falling out, you love him lots and you suppose it’s just an adjustment for you him leaving the nest and you hope he can let it pass and hopefully you’ll see them soon and it is all water under the bridge.

Don’t angle for an apology, no one likes being guilted. The important thing to have a relationship, not to be right.

When you are together be aware of how much time you spend talking of negative things relative to how much time you spend chatting about positive or neutral things. Do you know much about their work and their friends? It sounds like you have had a tough time and while ideally our loved ones would be the people we can confide in, sadly if every time you visit or talk to someone you get a litany of woes it is very draining and not very enticing. I don’t mean you have to be a Pollyanna and can never share bad news about your health or events in your life.

I appreciate the above may be irrelevant and you are always a hoot he visits, it’s just I’ve seen people make this mistake time and time again and fail to understand why their kitchen table isn’t a magnet for their adult children. Please don’t get into a competition with her mum, their relationship and family culture are not the problem here and you will be the loser.

I can’t believe you rang him and asked him what he was going to do for you for Mother’s Day. I’m cringing for you. People have to want to do nice things- they can’t be pushed to do it.
Also, I’m concerned for your quality of life if you can’t leave the house unaccompanied? How do you get anywhere if you can’t get buses, or trains by yourself?

Well it looks like you have your answer now. The reason you don’t get as much for Mother’s Day as you’d like or you don’t see your son as much as you’d like is down to your son, not your DIL.

You say that you have a disability and that you are sometimes unwell. Was this the case when he was living with you? Did he used to have to care for you a lot? More so than his siblings did? If so then that would go some way to explaining where his brewing resentment is coming from.

Also, for what it’s worth, I did take my MIL to one of my wedding dress fittings and all my friends were so surprised as it’s not really the done thing to include your future MIL in the wedding dress shopping experience.

You really do need to focus on your relationship with your DS, not your DIL or your DIL’s relationship with her own DM. Perhaps also try and reflect from your DS’s point of view too.

I take my mother out for lunch and leave my DH to do what he wants with his mother ( nothing usually)

I'm sure that was really hard. It sounds as if you are struggling at bit with an empty nest. And your son does maybe feel responsible for you despite having other siblings.

In my experience the mother of the groom doesn't go dress shopping with the bride. It's nice to be asked but not a given.

How did you approach it with your son? Did you issue an invite? Or make a suggestion? Because if you went in with the attitude of "I'm laying down the law about mother day and we have to be treated equally" it would be annoying.

Can your other children not visit for once?

You've children that can't be arsed to help you. So expect one child to pick up the slack. I see his point. Tell them you've won the lottery. We've just buried a neighbour very wealthy. Only one child has bothered with her the other two sponged for decades and never visited. She changed her will the week she died. Her daughter slagged her off in the eulogy as a result.

Such an eloquent post! I only wish I could send it to my own DM. You have hit the nail on the head wrt how I feel about her.

This is a son issue, not a DIL issue. I highly doubt that your son had the slightest thing to do with her mother's celebration. He probably didn't even want to be there.

In an ideal world, her organising that for her mother would have inspired him to do the same for you close to the actual date, but we don't live in an ideal world....Also bear in mind that adult daughters tend to be closer to their mums than adult sons are.

It's not fair but it's life.

I love that the siblings who didn't bother with her got excluded from the will!

You’ve never asked to be taken for a meal, bought flowers etc but now all of a sudden you want to demand this because that is what your DIL usually does for her mum? Do you realise how mad that sounds? Your family has their traditions and her family has hers. You should apologise to your son.

This. Would you be a happier person if your son had a girlfriend who just got her mum a card?!

You say that you are disabled and don't really travel. Would you have expected your son's girlfriend to come and collect you from your house to take you wedding dress shopping? I don't think your expectations are very reasonable at all, sadly. Did you expect any of your other son's wives to do this for you?

There’s no way he’d take me out for lunch just me and him. But I’m not expecting that either because like I said I’m not well. I push myself if one of the others came down and we would all go for a family meal but I’m more than happy with a takeaway.

I don’t think he’s feeling guilty. I think he feels like he’s done his time as if I’m a burden.

perhaps up to you to suggest?

of course he does. Because you aren’t take any responsibility for the situation.

In fact your response to your and your son’s poor relationship was to blame it on your DIL. Says it all!

Totally agree with this.

My MIL came over and demanded to see the dress. I was pretty taken aback. Apart from my parents and sister, my husband should have been the first to see it.

And your still showing how you’ll push your self for his siblings who do near nothing and you expect nothing while his the bad guy.

This is so sad OP. When people make us feel guilty they do feel like a burden. Some pp have made excellent suggestions regarding how to take on a more optimistic approach in the contact with your son. I feel your sadness and your loneliness just by what you have written and I think it must weigh on your son who feels it and feels guilty. He steps back instead of coming forward, perhaps he's overwhelmed? You have been ill for a long time if I understood things right and it must be hard for you. Can you reach out to other people around you in your community ? If you had a fuller, richer life (emotionally speaking) you wouldn't be so obsessed with Dil and her mother. Maybe start an activity adapted to your health where you can meet people? I don't know anything about your specific situation but I think you need to find meaningful relationships outside your family in order to be in a better place. ❤️

We’ve just followed suit on what our family tradition is in terms of presents for Mother’s Day, birthdays, Christmas etc. Means we spend £50 per person on my side and £5-10 just for the kids and grandparents on DHs. I don’t think it ever occurred to do anything different. I think it’d be strange to suddenly do something extravagant or match what we spend on my family when it’s not in keeping with what the rest of the family do. Who knows, maybe my MIL has been quietly seething about it for 20 years!