Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

Tbf they're not married yet!

This is just petty and silly.

Oh God, the more I read the more you're setting yourself up to be hurt and ignored.

It's not for you to ring him and ask what he is doing for Mother's Day! You wait to see what your children want to do.

Nor can you tell him to be mindful of treating both mums the same way

You sound very demanding and entitled.

Just all sounds a bit grabby to me, people expecting larger and better gifts each year...whatever happened to a nice card and a box of chocs/flowers/plant etc.

My mum would never want or expect me to spend more than a few quid on her, and neither would I if I had kids

My mother told me at least once a day during childhood that life isn’t fair.

I’m assuming none of your other children are daughters, and that you don’t know or care what your DILs do with their mums, just this one, because she’s taken your baby away, right?

I’ve not once bought or sent a card or present for any member of DH’s family in 25 years. Why would I? As it happens neither of us do any more than a card for anyone as we’re way beyond that point. I’m sure my sister gets my mother something but as she lives with her with my nephew, my parents do a lot more for her than they do for me. If my mother ever raised this I’d have no issue reminding her that “life isn’t fair”. I don’t think MIL even has my number.

I agree with everyone else. We don't treat MIL and DM the same, because we each arrange our own parent's gifts. Sometimes I spend more on mine, sometimes DH spends more on his. They like different things. Couldn't even tell you what he gets MIL.

Your DIL is not your daughter. She can treat her mother in whatever way she wants.

Don't blame your DIL for the shortcomings in your DS and the rest of your children.

I think you need to step awat from social media. Comparison is the thief of joy. The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.

The daughter will always favor her mother, I told my DiL in the very beginning that I would never get angry at her if she chose her mother. It’s natural and maybe all her siblings chipped in gor the flowers and meal. You son came and honored you before hand. That was the perfect thing to do.

This is an issue with your son, not 'them'.

And as for your other children, I find that where there's a will, there's a way. Maybe not every year, but they can make the effort every so often.

I've always spent Mother's Day with my mother and Father's Day with my dad. Even after having children, we drag them along.

We do breakfast at home with partner (my sister is still married), then afternoon with parents.

YABU. Putting that guilt trip on him was really unkind.

Oh dear. You really didn’t listen to the advice on here. You’re pushing him, DIL and any future children he may have witj DIL away from you.

Yes YABU

Why should she ask you to go dress shopping? I find it very starnge that you think that's the norm? for what its worth neither my own mother or mother in law went dress shopping for my own wedding. and I love my mother in law. more fact than my own mother 🤣
my husband organises his mothers day present evey year for her every year not me same with birthdays.
this is on your son not your daughter in law

What’s stopping your other children driving down to see you on Mother’s Day?? Their DC can travel down with them, that’s no excuse. Sounds like your son feels like you are guilt tripping him, for not seeing you, but nothing gets said to his siblings? Why is this?

I think your other children should pull their socks up and start visiting you more. Unless there’s a backstory why they don’t? It’s sad, as I would drive for however long it takes, to give my mum a lovely day (even if it’s not on actual Mother’s Day, they surely can find a date that suits them to come see you).

You feel that both mothers should be treated equally. Surely then you should also think that all your children should be treated equally but they're not treated equally. You have high expectations of one and no expectations of the others. You reap what you sow.

It’s up to your son how much or little he wants to give you. YABU

That's very typical though, especially in more 'traditional' families. My parents helped with my wedding financially. My SIL's parents helped with my brothers wedding, my parents did offer but we're told that it was brides parents responsibility.

How involved is your son in the wedding planning, is he leaving most of it to his fiancé? In which case it's natural her family will be more involved.

My DH is an only child, so I consciously made an effort, invited my MIL to the dress shopping and both in laws to the food tasting session, as I knew she wouldn't get those experiences again. She was pleasantly suprised, she didn't expect it in any way, even though my DH was very involved in the wedding planning.

It is on your son to involve you, not your DIL.

Sorry you had a falling out with him OP. I bet he feels guilty so lashed out. He’s acting like a prick. It’s ridiculous he goes out for his MIL but won’t even take you out for a lunch just the two of you?

Just wondering if this the beginning of you feeling sidelined by this relationship. Unequal Mother’s Day celebration. Being left out of the wedding planning. You have a gut feeling that your future daughter in law doesn’t like you and perhaps you are anticipating unequal involvement with future grandchildren ? I would not be looking at the MIL socials as this will make you feel terrible if you spot things you have been left out of. Why not stay off them and at the same time try to foster a relationship with DIL as you may be attributing ‘coolness’ when it might just be uncertainty about you on her part

I used to organise gifts for MIL not any more, if her son doesn’t want to bother why should I have to

My daughter definitely likes her MIL, they get along brilliantly in fact they are all together this weekend. She didn’t invite her wedding dress shopping though. I think it’s more common in America for a mob to attend dress appointments

I'm sorry to hear that Op. I do think his siblings could be doing more but it's quite shit not to worry not to pop in and see your mum on Mother's Day if you live close by. I would love to do that!
You do sound lonely. Do you have a partner?

I think what you're pointing out is just the different ways sons and daughters treat Mums.

You’ve taken nothing on board OP. Don’t expect him to want to do anything at all now for Mother’s Day. You trying to guilt trip into grand gestures has really backfired here.

You sound like a martyr OP and it's not becoming. I do all for my sons who are still young but even now I tell them that mother's day is every day and I love their drawings any day so definitely not setting up a precedent to guilt trip them with further along.

I think your son feels guilty about you (you have alluded to health issues and he has probably picked up on your jealousy towards Mil and your animosity towards your Dil) and he wants to share "the burden" with his siblings. Your response to why you couldn't see your other children : " Unfortunately not as I have no way to get to them" What do you mean? Have they gone nc with you?