Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

Oh I don’t know, driving 2 hours in the middle of the night to help my dad when he had a heart attack?

Wow, a one-off thing that a good daughter in law also would have done whilst you do all the mental load and effort of gift giving every year.

It's called Mother's Day, not Mother In Law's Day. YABU

I think YABVU. Why on earth should the DiL get you anything?! Your son is doing as he has always done. She is free to get whatever she likes for her mum. She's not stopping him doing the same for you, he just doesn't want to.
And it does appear that it's all on him.
You asking him what's going on for mother's day is unfair.

Why does is it assumed it needs a NATO summit? It’s just a chat 🤷‍♀️

You stated “I would honestly never treat my mum better than my MIL on days like that”. That’s a problem. Suppose your MIL wasn’t the superstar that she is. That’s not a never. Or you’re specifically talking about your mother in law in which case your responses are irrelevant.

My Mother used to get everything laid on for Mother's Day while MiL was lucky if she got a card.

Fast forward 10 years and I am NC with my Mother and we moved 200 miles to be near MiL.

The present doesn't necessarily reflect the sentiment behind it.

That must have been incredibly hurtful to hear and you need to take a bit of time to forget the hurt and hear the message. Hi has obviously been the last of your children at home and has been very present in your life. Like the others he is now moving out and on and there should be no more expectation on him than on any of your other children. I would apologise for your part in the argument and let the new pattern develop, keep inviting them or suggesting meet ups. No fuss if they say no, let him see that it is happening (if it does) and then work from there on how see him alone.
Your life will change and that is hard but doable and you can choose to embrace it or hate it.

They do not need to be treated equally, they are not small children!

My partner manages to make a fairly good effort for his mum on mothers day (as well as christmas etc). I would never make the same effort for my mother, because she's never been there for me and we are not close. If my partner decided he had to step in and sort out a gift for my mum to make it 'fair', I'd be extremely pissed off. Luckily as a man though, he doesn't have any pressure whatsoever on him to sort anything out for my mum.

It's the thought that counts, not the money! And surely your DIL and son have a little independence in their finances so he's not likely to be funding her gifts for her mum.

You sounds exactly like my MIL. 🙄

On Mother's Day I want to spend it with my children and my mum. If DH wants to go to see his, then he is more than welcome to.

I wouldn't have dreamt of inviting MiL to search for wedding dresses, that was for my mum and sister and best friend.

Your son isn't doing anything different than he always has. If you want a better relationship with him/them, then work on it !

That a very extreme example, unless your husband is driving you to nighttime emergencies on a weekly bases how does that remove him from doing basic things like sorting Mother’s Day/birthdays/Christmas for his family?

Why would a Mother of the Groom go on a wedding dress shopping trip? I've never heard of that! Always bride/mum or bride/friends. My DS is getting married in summer too.

I love my kids all year round and they are fantastic. I don't think they owe me anything because I brought them up but I always enjoy spending time with them. If it's Mother's Day or any other day, that's great.

Oh come on, there's nothing spiteful about what I said!

The Ops son is treating her the same way he always did but she's got her nose out of joint because Dil's mother is getting more. It's ridiculous.

I went to both my DILs wedding dress hunts. Its lovely to be involved. I paid for one DIL because her mother had died many years ago. I was invited to hen do as well. As was mother of the bride and granny of the bride.

I'll be honest, I never treated my DM and DMiL the same. My DM lived with us, did a lot for us - baby sitting, meals, support - and I used Mother's Day to thank her. DH would get something for me from the children when they were young but I would always sort something for his DM. A few years ago I hit on the perfect gift (bird seed subscription delivered every month) and have not changed it since. I will send her a card but her home is tiny and cluttered and she doesn't want anything so we will continue with the bird seed until she is no longer with us. I do try and make an effort for her birthday and Christmas (only 4 weeks apart) but I don't feel bad for not doing the same as I would have done for my DM. If it makes a difference DH is one of 3 and I am an only child.

Honestly this is not a hill to die on. Mothers day is very commercialised and meals out on this day are often troublesome as service is usually slow and restaurants busy and noisy. I say that as a daughter and mother and grandmother but my daughters live locally and my mum lives 250 miles away so she could be in your position. I think sometimes the onus is on the one who lives closest but that should not happen really. Your situation is worse if you cannot travel though. I think it should not matter what your DIL does for her mum. It is your DC responsibility, not just your DS but the ones who live further away too.

Guilting your DS will only push him further away as you have found out. Mothers Day is not for a few weeks as well. Order yourself a takeaway if your DC don't make an effort. Do you have local friends you could meet up with so you have something to look forward to on the day?

You want to see your son and have a meal with him on Mother's Day, just tell him this is what you'd prefer. You can't moan about it if he is not aware of this.

Why would both mothers be treated the same - they are two different people with 2 different ' children '

Your soon to be dil can treat her mother however she wishes, just like your son continues to send you a card and the same type/value of gift as he has always done.

Maybe you did have a take away when he lived with you, he doesn't now so you are no longer cooking for him - as I guess you used to cook for him ?

if you wish to have a take away that evening then you are free to do so.

You have other ' children ' what do they do for / about Mother's Day ?

Your soon to be dil has siblings too, you have no idea who organised / paid for her flowers and cake / meal out etc.

and it's none of your business.

I suggest you stop following your soon to be dil's mother on Facebook.

and no I wouldn't expect to be part of the bride's group when she went wedding dress shopping - she is not your daughter.

and I wouldn't expect nor hope to be part of either her hen night / do

or there in the daytime when she is getting dressed / ready for the wedding...

Disabled people win Olympic medals and climb mountains , help is available at train stations, adapted car ?

I would tell your son you want a closer relationship with Dil and ask what you can do to improve things

I would be hurt at the lack of contact and being snubbed at dress shopping

just because they have a joint bank account does not mean they don’t also have separate accounts for personal spending

my partner has different gift giving traditions, habits , expectations in their family to mine , very different ! And in 20 years of marriage we haven’t changed we both buy our mums very different things at different times to a different budget

defo do not demand the same eak!
why not invite the other mil to yours for Mother’s Day or suggest you all go out

I think both mums should be treated equally, husband and I always did but it was never really lavish. They appreciated it though. I expect your soon to be daughter in law did the thing for her mum, perhaps with siblings, and your son went along.

Don't take it personally and do try to like the girl.

Mother's Day isn't an occasion where things need to be equal. The gift is from your child, not their partner.

MIL always gets more than my mum on Mother's Day because she guilts DH if he doesn't do something she can boast about on Facebook. I'm a lot closer to my mum than DH is to MIL but my mum tells us not to worry every year and would be cross if I went over the top.

I think daughters tend to make more of things like Mothers’ Day than sons, to be honest, so I wouldn’t be too upset. The issue isn’t with either of them - l think if your son is doing what he’s always done, then that’s enough. He’s just choosing to tag along with your DIL’s plans, whereas she chooses not to with his.

Stop putting all the pressure of all your children just onto him (her).

Don’t blame her for his perceived lacking.

Do take what help you can where you can to get out and about more when you can.

Biggest tip. Don’t rely on anyone else to be your only happiness.

Its about the nature and quality of the relationship between an offspring and their mother. Its about feelings, effort and making her happy if the relationship is good. So there is no point in comparing the amount of money spent. It looks as though she has a good relationship with her mother. Its up to your DS to do something with and for you depending on the relationship you have with him. If you feel he could do more and you would like to see him on the day, just tell him. But its not about who spends more.