Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

Early in my relationship with my now husband I picked his mom's present, but I actually think she prefers to get something from her son, rather than me, so I leave him to it now.

Lots of people are saying if the man's no good his wife needs to step up, but are MILs really happy with something they know is from their DIL instead?

Lots if DILs go to all this effort and her in laws don't like her anyway

I think for a lot of MIL they are actually very touched if their DIL arranges it. My MIL certainly is- but then we have a close relationship. I think the difficulty of this discussion is that everyone’s relationships with their sons differ, their DIL differ, how they were both brought up differs, how close they live and see each other generally differs. Therefore is no one size fits all.

I don't think that mothers need to be treated the same, but if a takeaway was a usual thing you might think it would occur to him that he could do that whilst his OH was with her mum.

I guess he didn't want to.

It’s ok, OP, I’ve fixed it for you:

“My DIL’s efforts for her mother on mother’s day have shown my son’s efforts over the years to be completely inadequate, which makes me feel bad. AIBU?”

I get my mom nice cards (one from me and DH, one from DC) and thoughtful gifts on Mothers’ Day. My brothers get her “hilarious” cards. One never buys a gift as it falls around his birthday and he is too busy thinking about himself. The other bought her a Good Housekeeping subscription about 10 years ago which autorenews and he has never cancelled.

It’s the difference between daughters and sons. As a mum of boys I am resigned to it. They are fairly young so DH sorts out a card and gift for them that they help to choose so last year I got a card that said “Mum you legend”. It is what it is- as long as they make AN effort when they are old enough to do so, I don’t think you can be fussy what that effort actually is/ looks like.

I've been on MN for almost twenty years and I don't think anyone has ever been more unreasonable.

What someone else spends on their own mother has nothing to do with you.

You are absolutely determined that this is some woman's fault. You aren't her mother.

Yes you are!! DH and I have a joint account - for bills. We also have our own accounts which our salaries are paid into. We buy family gifts from our own accounts.

You have a ds problem.

Dh's mum is like this - told me "it's the woman's job to organise things like occasions/cards/presents" - it made her go down very much in my estimation, I'd thought she was a woman's woman before she came out with that.

I think she prefers to get things from him, but my husband is very good, normally takes her out for lunch etc. I just thought I had better taste in gifts lol, but actually his mom and I are very different, and I think she likes that he's picked something.

You think the daughter in law should treat her own mother the same as her mother in law? How does that work? Does she downgrade her relationship? Or are expecting labour from her to provide for mother in law to the same standard?

We’ve invited DS and his GF out to dinner on Mother’s Day but his GF is deciding what she’s doing and when with her mum- obviously. I’m sure we’ll figure something out in years to come when the older generation has gone and DS might have DC of his own. But if DS makes little effort I will think that reflects on him, not his GF.

Your future DIL has arranged this with her siblings for her mother and your son has gone along with it like a dutiful partner, because he was asked to. He could have arranged something similar for you, but he didn't. If he had, then he could have asked his partner to come along and maybe she would, maybe she wouldn't, depending on how the relationship between the two of you is. But this is on him, not her.

He could say to her 'it's my mum's turn this year. We spent the day with your mum last year. Either come with me, or I'll take my mum out to lunch alone and you can see your mum without me.' Or he could say 'let's host lunch here then we can invite both our mums.'

If none of those things happen and you get a token visit for an hour the day before or the day after, it's because HE hasn't made you a priority. Men (unless they are gay) do tend to think differently to women where things like this are concerned.

This is probably how your Christmases are going to be from now on too, so you'd best get used to it. Unless you are prepared to tell your son that you feel sidelined and you'd really like to make sure things like Christmas Day and Mother's Day mean you get a fair share of their time and attention too, in future. But if you don't ask, don't expect him to make sure of that himself. Most men just go along with whatever their partner arranges for her family, even if that means never prioritising their own parents.

Why isn’t your husband doing it?

So a daughter in law has to organise her own mum’s gift AND the mother in law’s? What’s the son doing? The bar is so low for these men. If DIL wants to do something for MIL they can but the MIL isn’t her MOTHER - the point of the day!

To those of you who organise mother's day for your mils - do your husbands organise fathers day for your fathers? If not, why?

If one has a beautiful bouquet then so should the other.

Who did all of these things?

yes! I love organising the flowers for my mil and my mother. I don’t think my husband is lazy and he loves his mum to bits. I am just better at gifts and I actively enjoy doing this stuff and picking out the flowers they would like. As I have said before, there is literally no one size fits all in this situation. I would honestly never treat my mum better than my MIL on days like that. Each to their own but me and my husband are a team- he is good at some things. He would rush over and help either set of parents if they needed it. I am better at other things. Team effort for us.

This made me giggle, my husband doesn’t! He doesn’t want one either. He is much happier with just one joint one. I have my own but he doesn’t!

Because he wouldn’t have a clue what sort of flowers they would like. I know very well because I chat with both mums about this. So many sons chat to their mums about their favourite flowers?

And reading the op do you think your situation remotely applies? Or that women should be expected to do any of those things? My mother is wonderful. Supportive. To me and my husband. My mother in law is not and never has been. Absolutely no way am I levelling that.

I am kind of with you. A couple should look to treat both sets on in laws equally and be sensitive to how any differences may look and feel.
It's a bit like treating all your children equally in my book.
I think your son and DIL (to be) should be seeking to treat you equally.

I can honestly say I have never ever discussed flower preference with anyone.

huh? I have literally said earlier if you read my previous comments that each situation is completely different and that every relationship is different and depends on a lot do things.

other people were criticising me for looking after my own MiL in my particular set of circumstances.

why don’t you read all my comments?

I really like my MIL but I don’t get her anything on Mother’s Day. She isn’t my mum. And even though I’m married I don’t dream of consulting my husband on what I get for my own mum. It’s none of his concern. I earn my own money and don’t have to consult him every time I spend it. You are trying to blame your DIL because your son doesn’t make an effort on Mother’s Day. It’s nothing to do with your DIL.

“Team effort for us” - what effort is your husband making here?