Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

I never said boys should put their feet up at all or even referred to the OP family discussions. I was referring to the them and us thinking about families and parents and suggested joint thinking and actions and treating all family equally

Who’s meant to tell him it wasn’t good enough? Likely another women 😅

It wouldn't work for me but it does for that poster. Who am I to argue?

You are probably getting the gist from PP. Please don't hold this against your DIL or that makes you the problem

What's your DIL got to do with arranging a gift for you? If you've always been happy with what your son does why is it different now he's married?

MorrisZapp We chose gifts for both mums together, usually at the local garden centre.

Ahh OP. Offer your help if they need it for the wedding next time you see them both, in a jolly way.

Don’t start acting like your nose is out of joint because you aren’t getting the same treatment as her mum. That’s a road to being excluded further down the line.

also remember if they have kids Mother’s Day will then be more about your soon to be daughter in law.

Do you really need a group discussion as to what you will buy for your mother on mother's day? I don't and most all of the women that I know, don't. They just get on with it.

Does that mean that I won't pick up an extra thing in the supermarket for my husband to give to his mother? Of course not, I will, but I don't expect to be made responsible for that nor to have a NATO-esque discussion as to what we're doing.

Mother's day is specific to the child, it really is. Men are just as capable as women are for choosing something suitable - or if not, asking their own mothers what they'd like.

OP I really feel for you as it's clear you're missing your son and maybe a bit lonely, and Mothers' Day is just bringing it all to a head.

It's a shame that they are not accepting your invitations or your offers to visit them - how far away are your other children? Could you invite them to come to you for a weekend here and there? Or offer to visit them and figure a way to sort the transportation.

I think maybe the way you've phrased your posts has caused some negative reponses but actually I can see that you're really just missing your son, especially since he previously lived with you and now it sounds like you don't get to see any of your children often.

I find that sad of you aren’t close to your mother in law. I don’t see my MIL as simply my ‘partner’s mother’. She’s my MiL as in she is a relation to me separate from her relationship to my husband. Therefore on Mother’s Day I don’t know why I wouldn’t send her something. It is in the title ‘mother’ in law. My husband just isn’t good at things like that as honestly they didn’t do it growing up. I did do it so wouldn’t occur to me to treat my mum and my MiL differently.

OP you have invented subjective standards but you treat them like they are universally recognised rules.

There is no golden rule anywhere that adult children who have children are exempt from having to make an effort on Mothers Day.

As several posters have said the DIL sorted her mother out, your son did what he always did present wise it’s not up to DIL to step in and over ride his decision on how he choses to celebrate Mothers Day.

It doesn’t sound like you and your DIL are close. I’m pretty close to my MIL Id never invited her wedding dress shopping. If nothing else because I wanted go discuss the fit, my weight etc, that’s something for my own mother.

I dont think you should have rung your son but you did so leave it die down now.
Coming at him and your DIL with all these subjective standards and expectations will really really damage your relationship.

It’s ok to feel hurt and lonely, but manage those emotions without damaging your relationship.

We don't so the same for mine/dh sides with birthdays or fathers/mother's day... I do my family in line with my own family's etiquette, and dh's family do their own thing with their own etiquette.

Well, he sounds bang on, to be honest. You expect his time and money every year, but let your other kids off because they have children of their own - it hardly seem fair.

I feel like he probably can't win with you.

It sounds like you’d be happy with the situation as long as her mum just got a frame as well (like how they don’t see either at Christmas) … like a race to the bottom

I think the other kids could post a gift or send flowers by post though

So seeing as women can't force these sorts of men to be thoughtful of the8r mothers that results in either the wife doing it all because he's not interested, or she has to do nothing for her own mother to make it 'fair'?! Fuck that, men just need to start being held accountable for their lack of thoughtfulness and consideration. MiLs aren't little children who need to be treated the same.

Out of interest, what did your son do when he was single? If he made a big fuss of you then and has stopped and transferred it all to his MiL to be, then that would be extremely hurtful and you may have grounds for thinking his partner may be influencing him (though nothing stopping him resisting of course.) However if he's putting in the same level of effort he always did then YABU because you're expecting his partner to step in to raise his game which is unfair.

Wow imagine having that conversation with the son"I saw your MIL got a better present than me last Mothers day I want the same."
😂
It's not a competition and not a reflection on your relationship, I know my two sons love me sometimes I get a card, sometimes a really nice present. sometimes a token present doesn't mean they love me more one year and less another! Also daughters tend to make more of an effort in my family as they find thinking of a suitable gift possibly easier but do they love me more? Love is not quantifiable.

He still treated you exactly the same as he did when he lived at home but, because he now had a partner, it's not enough for you. Even though your other children are given a pass from visiting you.

He's not wrong on how he feels.

You were asking for more and acting jealously towards his future MIL

Sorry OP but you are in the wrong I'm afraid

@Nconee

“I was thinking about asking DS to be mindful of treating us both the same this Mother’s Day. I do see how this will come across now so I will refrain.”

This attitude is where you’re going wrong. Your DS isn’t the one treating his finances mother a certain way. That is her relationship with her mum. She is the one making an effort with her mum and buying her presents etc, not your son.

You are channeling feelings about the fact that you’re disappointed in your son towards your daughter in laws relationship with her own mother.

If you want to see more of him don’t come at it from a confrontational way. Just ask when you can get a date in for him to come and visit you rather than saying “why don’t you come and see me?”

Also, stop bringing up his fiancé and making out she’s the one who’s caused this. Your son is responsible for his own actions and by you constantly bringing her up and making sly digs you’re just pushing him away.

It might be really worth you considering why it descended into an argument. I find it hard to believe that if you have an otherwise good relationship with him, you calling and simply saying you’d love to see him at some point on Mother’s Day would result in that. Or did you start to bring up comparisons with your DIL and her mother on the call, and how you felt that compares unfavourably to his efforts?

Last year he got you a card and photo frame, which isn’t nothing and more than his siblings did. If you want to fix this, I’d really recommend looking honestly at what your relationship with your son is like, and be brutally honest with your own role in it. All fault you’ve mentioned has been put at your DIL’s door but that’s very likely not the cause. And calling up to say you expect more of him in light of what his wife does, but don’t expect anything different from your other children isn’t fair and he’s right to call that out, even if that’s upsetting for you.

You're too old to be jealous. I wonder why your Dil doesn't like you?

He needs to let this go before your future DIL has a real reason not to like you.

Your son doesn't make much effort for mother's day. You were fine with this. Your DIL doesn't have to do less for her mother to please you.

Well aren't you the spiteful one? I've seen your posts before too.

Why don't you expect more of your children who have children of their own? I think I appreciated my mum way more once I had my DC.

And neither of them spend Christmas with either you or her family "to be fair"? Not even alternate years or going to their separate families? This is sad for all of you.

Not saying it’s an argument to be had, just pointing out that when these discussions come up that when men aren’t doing things for their own mums or partners it’s because they’re ‘crap’ at it. They’re not, it’s just they’re never brought up on how it’s not ok to not put the effort in because some woman somewhere will either make up for it or brush it off.

Men aren’t crap at getting basic gifts - it may work for some families for the wife to sort both sides but not at the excuse that having a man brain makes it unworkable for him. Mother’s Day isn’t even a hard one to figure out! But in the OP’s case, I can see why her son is fed up. I’m wondering if he’s the eldest and/or only son. It certainly feels like there’s something else that’s lead him to saying an outright no.