Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

i get where you are coming from but honestly the fact you get anything from your son I think you are winning at life. My experience is that boys don’t really do this stuff particularly well.

my husbands’s family never did anything for their mum. She said she wasn’t bothered. I have no idea if she was or she wasn’t. But when we got married I always arranged the same flowers for her and my mum. She always calls my husband to say thank you but she knows I arranged it! (We are very close so ongoing joke between us!).

I would say though it is natural that girls tend to gravitate towards their mums and often their husbands follow along. There are things where you live at play and all variety of other factors but you should speak to you son to ensure he looks after you too rather than just get upset.

You said DIL and her siblings, possibly she goes together with her siblings and they split the cost, possibly this is something they've always done. I think you're being a bit petty! Please try to shake this feeling or you're just going to causes issues for everyone especially with the wedding coming up

Mine wasn’t either and we are very close

Your son's fiancee is not his personal assistant.

Their finances are none of your business.

Dial back your expectations. Why would you expect to go dress shopping with the bride? She's not your child.

Either of them can contribute what they choose to gift to their mom for Mother's Day. It's personal choice. Her gift to her mother does not decrease yours, that's weird. Does he not work?

Your son is grown and gone. You're getting the effort he chooses to put into his relationship with you. Just because your future DIL is setting a nice example for him with how she treats her mom doesn't mean he'll follow it with you.

So because she makes an effort with her mum, she now has to for you as well, in order to make up for the fact your son, who YOU raised, doesn't?! Make it make sense.

I was talking about treating his mother with disrespect in general,not just about mother's day. My DH has a great relationship with his mother. If he didn't I couldn't live with myself as a dil if I didn't step in to help.We need peacemakers in this troubled world not supporters of disharmony & standing by watching it.

OP is in fact expecting more from her DIL than from any of her children. It's been phrased as expecting more from her son than his siblings, but she's only now expecting still more from him after seeing that DIL does more for her own family

@Nconee , honestly you need to reflect on yourself before making judgement on your DIL.

It really irritates me how some MIL project so much hate towards their DIL for no reason. None of this is your DIL fault. I cannot for one minute think that your DIL has sat your DS down and said ‘right fiancé, this year for Mother’s Day I’m spending £80 on my mum, but you are only allowed to spend £20 on yours’

I honestly cannot understand why you think it’s acceptable for your other children to just send a card and not even bother to make any effort to see you (having kids makes no difference whatsoever), and yet it’s somehow your DIL fault you get nothing for mothers day. Have you considered because you don’t expect anything from his siblings that your DS may think that’s normal? I think even suggesting to him to do anything other than he always has done because you are jealous another family makes more effort is really quite rude!

@Cynic17 theres nothing wrong with a card in the post from her other children. Just this Son because she has an issue with how her DIL treats her mother on Mothers Day!

I am really surprised by the tone of most answers here. I feel both mothers should be treated equally by a married couple (especially if joint finances are paying for the card and gift as suggested by the OP). If you’re too far away to visit both mums on the day then treat it like Christmas and visit one mum one year and the other the next. If one has a beautiful bouquet then so should the other. That’s what we always did (sadly both our mums are dead now). I think they would have been hurt if we’d favoured or been nicer to one mum. I guess ideas about families have changed over the past few years but like Christmas and birthdays we always sent gifts to our parents from both of us.

What's the DIL done wrong?

Same with us.

It's not hard to know when mother's day is though, even if you have a penis impeding that thought process. My mum is dead and I'm not a mum myself but I still know it's soon, because it's hard to miss! It's also not hard to have an idea of nice things to buy because again, it's hard to miss. Having a fanny hasn't helped me see displays in supermarkets or marketing emails any better.

I just think you should talk to your DS (don't raise the situation with his MIL) and say - I'm feeling a bit down, I'd really appreciate a bit of spoiling for mothers day and would love to see you and DIL to celebrate.

Did your husband organise flowers for your mum?

Does your son treat his MiL as a second mother and organise things for her?

You are making it some bizarre competition.

What your DIL does for her mother has absolutely nothing to do with what DS does for you. They are separate people. You aren’t DILS mother.

You should apologise to DS.

We don't need doormats. We need adults who know to be respectful without needing handholding from the women in their lives. Your husband knows how to do this but if he didn't, how far do you think he would respect your 'stepping in' on something that he hadn't chosen to do for himself?

Personally, if I felt that I'd got to the stage where I'd need to step in/make up for any grown adult then I'd be out of there, not doubling up as his mother.

Not picking up after men is not being a supporter of disharmony just, not a doormat.

I disagree with the majority but maybe that's because I have a terrible relationship with my mother. I personally make the effort for my MIL on mothers day, birthdays etc. My husband is crap at it and buys odd stuff. I would feel cruel to leave her out especially if I were to then post on FB about the stuff I was doing for and with my own mother. And I know people will judge me for this but it works in our relationship to play to our own strengths.

Nothing to judge you for; you do what works for you. The only comments that I make are where women expect other women to pick up after their useless sons.

I think this a childish. I buy my own mother present - I buy her what she likes. My partner mother is not my responsibility.

All the women who say both should be treated the same.

Does your dh pick up little bits for your mum if his out and think she might like that? Does he remind you it’s her birthday soon? Does he suggest things to do with or trips with your mother? Does he send her updates of the grandchildren? Does he check in with her that she’s ok? Does he grab a toy in Sainsbury’s for your nephew because he remembers hearing him mention it?

All the things most mils/inlaw family seem to expect their dils to do for them.

She is taking the lead when it comes to her own mum and driving the gift and celebration for her, as she should. Your son should be taking the lead when it comes to you. If he isn't doing that, or is doing it to a poorer standard than his partner does for her mum, that's on him. I get its hurtful for you to see the difference, but its really not up to your DiL to make sure your son treats you well, nor should she have to reduce what she does for her mum to match his lack of effort.

But (to add on to both posts), the expectation is more subtle and inbuilt. The original poster is just verbalising expectations, the ones highlighted in the post you’re replying to. That posters husband isn’t crap at getting gifts, it’s just fallen into stereotype that as a man if he does a crap job once the women around him will go ‘durr, men what are they like? Their man brains aren’t built for thinking beyond themselves, I’ll do it for him so his mum doesn’t feel bad’. They don’t turn around and say ‘that wasn’t good enough, go back and get your mum a proper gift’. And so the cycle continues…

This all sounds very silly and transactional. A bit like I might expect a child to behave! (MIL gets this and that so I should have a gift of equal value!). Honestly you sound petty and childish. I would never expect a gift for Mother’s Day!