Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

You said precious precious boys sarcastically plus you’re slagging off my kids (who have done well in the past getting me sweets I like and a magazine to be fair so all good on this side!) so you just don’t seem like the biggest fan of males but I don’t know you so ok

what I’m saying (maybe poorly but I’m just on my lunch break and haven’t eaten yet!) is men don’t think like women so how are they going to know to get you random stuff you like on random days unless you hint which I don’t think is the point! As for my laughing emoji annoying you I don’t get how it’s bothering you that much but good luck anyway and hope you have an ok weekend (have to go eat!)

It does sound a little like you have imbalanced expectations. Your other children having children shouldn't make a difference.
Maybe your expectations are falsely based on what your DIL does for her mum. It seems to be a strange expectation for me that adult children make a fuss of mother's day. A card is enough IMO...

Why do you expect more from your son? My dh gets flowers sent to his mum for relevant occasions and buys flowers for my mum as well when we visit them or they come here (he's a rare gem in that regard I know). I biy gifts for my parents and when visiting his mum buy flowers / a plant.

But for instance Christmas is a much bigger deal to my family and we've always done bigger gifts so that continues. I once tried to buy something bigger for his mum but since nobody in their family does it was weird.
Same for your son - it would be weird if he went all out but his siblings didn't.

Please don't do this. You know this is all coming from your DIL. Don't give her more work.

This is absolutely not the hill to die on.

I think he has a point... if you have other kids it isn't fair that all the expectation lands on him, even if they have their own kids. It does feel like you were picking a fight.

Re the wedding, I think it is very normal that you didn't go to choosw thewedding dress, I've never known a MIL go. It's usually a mum and daughter thing, maybe with a friend or two there for feedback. The groom doesn't see the dress before the wedding, and by extension nor do his family.

He might have a point.
You don't seem to be expecting anything of your other children.

What she does with her mother is irrelevant.

He’s right though OP. You don’t expect any of your other children to do it. Only him, it’s not fair.

i would organise to visit one of your other children on one of the weekends and get their support to get you there. I can imagine that if you can’t get about without help, while he was living there a lot of that would’ve fallen on him, so maybe he is feeling a bit burnt out.

give him some room and spend some time on your other children.
generally the grooms mum wouldn’t be invited dress shopping.

Mother's Day is just one day. How are you treated by all your DC the rest of the year?

If my DH even considered treating his mother like this I would definitely have something to say about it. In my books they are both to blame, end off.

Sorry but this sounds so mercenary.
Maybe they each buy gifts out of their personal spends each month and she chooses to spend more on her month while your son spends his personal spends more himself.
Your issue here is your son, not your daughter in law.

Reading through all this I think you sounding hard work sorry OP
Do some reflection and perhaps a bit of adulting here?

Yes, the precious precious boys thing was sarcastic but not at you and your boys. It's to the general treatment of boys by their mothers. Not all mothers but a goodly proportion of them. My own Mum treated my brothers as though they weren't able to do things - and so they couldn't. It's been annoying to me as I could do things and so was expected to - they weren't.

I don't know your boys, I just know the type of mum that finds it ok for boys not to be able to think. I'm not talking about thinking like a woman, how could they? I'm talking about thinking like a decent human being, it doesn't come down to a particular sex. Thoughtfulness shouldn't be the province of only women.

I think that if your boys are still young then you can still teach them. Why would you accept vouchers as a present when there would be something else you would prefer? That is doormat behaviour. Presents don't need to be big and flamboyant but they need to be thoughtful - and buying your mum something that is a bit of an afterthought isn't showing any care or respect.

The reason why mother's day gets such a lot of upset women is because they see it as an indictment of their worth as a mother. So when their child doesn't bother or gets something for them that shows no care, it hurts.

That is the whole point of what I'm saying and it's really not at you, it's general.

I hope you have something nice for your lunch.

Seriously, are you 12 years old? Because that's what this sounds like. Stomping your feet about it not being "fair". You know they have a joint bank account - so what??? So do my DH and I - we never had separate ones since we got married. But guess what? That doesn't mean that we spend the exact same amount on our respective families. Life doesn't work like that. And that's also what we've taught our children - they know that we'll look after each of them to their needs until they're independent - but that doesn't mean counting every nickel and dime to make sure it's "fair".

How do you know what your DIL's mum has done for her over the years? Obviously not just financially, but since that seems to be your focus, have you been shown DIL's bank statements, whether she has ever had any financial support from her parents, for example if she went to university? And do you know if / how much they may be contributing to the wedding? My PILs certainly had no idea of what my parents contributed, but it was significant. That does NOT mean that we gave my parents bigger gifts going forward, just pointing out that "fairness" doesn't come into it.

You'd better be careful about how you approach this with your son. He's done nothing different to previous years. If you continue down the path that you're on, you're setting yourself up for self-fulfilling disappointment once there are grandchildren, as your son and DIL will almost certainly distance themselves from you.

His not wrong. You expect more of him than his siblings. Then you mention everything I’ve done for him. What did you not do it for them?

His clearly the youngest and now the nest is empty and I’m guessing no partner as no mention of him your expecting your son to be the one who spoils you above anyone else in your family and got jealous when his partner spoils her mum because she wants to rather than an obligation.

I agree with this although I do commend the OP for having the humility to listen to advice, even if it wasn't what she wanted to hear. Too many mothers-in-law post here in the mindset that DiL is responsible for any shortcomings in their relationships with their sons, and are too rigidly set in this belief to be dissuaded. It's sometimes less painful to deflect blame onto the incomer to their family than to reflect honestly on their own relationships with their children.

I suspect the automatic assumption that women are responsible for Wife Work is at the root of many of these disagreements; as is the assumption of completely equal treatment when relationships are of course never equal. Of course a woman is going to have an entirely different relationship with her own mother. It would never have entered my head to take my MiL wedding-dress shopping with me, nor to view her as a confidante. For her part, she never wanted to be for years, until circumstances were such that it suited her (too late; I'd done fine without her so far).

My guess is DiL has sensed your disapproval and removed herself to a safe distance. Twice in two years is V, VLC which suggests relations are really not good. Even so, your relationship with your DiL might not be beyond salvaging, but you are going to need to adjust your expectations radically if so. In the meantime, I would work on your relationship with your son.

I hope you make peace with this situation somehow, OP.

Honestly, I don't understand the fuss about Mother's Day when children are adults - it's just another commercial occasion for most people. I think it's great for children to do nice things for their mum on Mother's Day (breakfast in bed, homemade cards etc) but once they've grown up and left home does it really matter?

More broadly, you can't expect parity between you and your son's future MIL. Sounds like he is doing what he has always done and can't be expected to up the ante just because his partner does more for her mum. And getting into the detail of your son subsidising his partner's presents to her mum because they have a joint account is far too intrusive.

I imagine your son's partner is doing most of the wedding planning and it's natural for her to want to involve her mum more than you. Will you be asking how much your son's future in-laws are contributing to the wedding so you can make sure you contribute exactly the same amount?

Hah, you are so determined to hold your DIL responsible for the relationship you and your son have nurtured between yourselves.

Who’s to say the money for MIL’s presents will come out of the household pot?

There's obviously a lot of history and tension here and the fact she excuses her other children simply because they have children makes no sense and I can see her sons frustration.

And while her DIL may not like her (we don't know why) the mother's day gift is all her son and he still gets her the same gift he has always gotten her so she can't blame DIL. She is muddling up different issues.

With respect, @Nconee, you have put it all on him. So what if your other children have children of their own - that doesn’t mean you stop being their mother. They sound pretty selfish to be honest - they know you can’t travel so they never see you because they don’t come to visit? Now, of course this DS could and should speak to his siblings about it, ask why they don’t make an effort with you.

Do you know the exact details of their finances? Maybe they have a separate spending pot and she chooses to spend it on her mum.

Also how do you know she paid for it? Maybe her and her siblings each chipped in towards the meal, flowers and cake.

Its nothing to do with your DIL, she is not your son's minder.

I'm so fortunate my dil does see me like a second mother & I presume why its called mother IN LAW

It is not women’s responsibility to manage the relationship of their partner with their mother.

ever.

Yes. That's great. Nice for you. But, it's not 'Mother IN LAW's' day, is it?

It is all nonsense that one day of the year but it seems to matter to so many women. I'm good to my Mum always. My brothers not so much. Not for me to make-up for all their shortcomings.

You seem to be putting a lot of pressure on this one son. You have excuses for your other children but maybe your thinks he did enough having to get you a takeaway when he lived at home. Why should he have to do more just because he doesn't have his own children?

Are you completely housebound? With the train you can arrange assistance.

I am afraid that I would not have dreamed of taking my future mother in law wedding dress shopping! It simply didn’t occur to me at the time and I wouldn’t have invited her if it had. Nothing against her, but it had nothing to do with her.