Invitation to non consecutive bits of a wedding

[TobyChestnut]

Close friend’s son getting married in a city a few hours away and we have received an invitation to the ceremony at 11.45am but not to the meal/speeches part which is after the ceremony. We are then invited to the evening at 7pm. All three parts are at the same venue. No accommodation at the venue other than for their immediate family so we have booked 2 x Premier Inn rooms for us and our 17 and 19 year old children about 6 miles away.

Felt obliged to accept both parts of the invitation despite the void in the middle as assumed that they wanted us to see them get married but couldn’t afford for more than a small number for the meal.

Was wondering what to do to fill 5- 6 hour gap between the two parts as the premier inn room not available until later and also because we will have had to get dressed up for the Ceremony so will be in our finery, hair done etc which we’d also want for the evening.

I’ve now just been told that there are 50 people at the meal/speeches part (I had assumed it was a small gathering for a dozen or so) and a further 100 who like us are invited to the other two parts. Also that the Ceremony isn’t the actually wedding as the venue isn’t licensed so they are having a civil ceremony elsewhere the day before (with families in attendance).

AIBU to think that this is an unfair ask but to feel uncomfortable saying so to my close friend? Wish they had just invited anyone not in the select 50 to the evening then we could use the day to travel, get ready at the premier inn and go to the evening part. Really don’t want to cause bad feeling as we have been friends for 40 years.

Did you get a 'flexible' option on your Premier Inn bookings? If so, cancel. That's what I would do.

Your friends of 40 years could have told you at the outset that this wasn't a wedding (already done) and that it was essentially an evening invitation only. That's what a friend would do. You owe them nothing to do with this 'wedding'.

You can still be friends just realise that your expectations of friendship are not the same and dial back accordingly. Friends... such an easy name but often a meaningless word to trot out.

Why does that stupid phrase, "It's an invitation not a summons", get trotted out so often? It's meaningless because there are usually relationships behind whatever the event is.

Every time a daft phrase gets a bit of publicity somewhere, someone here will pick it up and glibly spout it out, often in chorus with others who don't think much either.

How can you be her close friend if you've not been invited to all 3 parts?

I university friend did the same to a bunch of us. We were still quite young (mid 20s). We all ended up sitting in the hotel bar whilst the reception was going on in the next room, and got absolutely ratted. I think we may have only eaten crisps and peanuts! By the time the evening do started we were far too drunk to enjoy it. I do remember (surprisingly) crawling to my bed VERY early!!!

I think I would go to one and not the other.

If I knew other friends would be at the evening do, then I would keep the premier inn booking and go to that. But if I thought we would be a spare part (and as someone else has said - all tables already occupied by the day crowd), I would just do the ceremony.

I might even say to my friend, after apologising for not being able to make the evening do, that as I am obviously no longer paying for overnight accomodation, I could put some of that towards a more generous wedding gift, and is there something they are specifically wanting? That might smooth the way and avoid upsetting long standing friends.

I would take the opportunity to go for a nice meal with my immediate family, all dressed up, have a nice time.

It's an invite not a summons
You don't have to go to any of it .
We got invited to a very close family members wedding....
But the children didn't get invited to the food after
We were told to take them to McDonald's
We didn't bother going at all .

We weren't prepared to bankrupt ourselves to been seen to be polite.

We had an awful lot of friends and family who wanted to share the day with us and us with them.

Some people declined their invite. If that was because of the gap, then fair enough.

Of the 80 who joined us for the evening do, I can still name at least 25 people, 27 years on, who told either myself or H what a wonderful few hours they'd had enjoying my hometown. And how they wouldn't have missed our day for anything.

Can't believe all the sourpusses on here. Celebrate with the bride and groom in the way they want, or in our case, can afford. Or don't.

It's really very simple. No need to get your knickers in a twist.

As I said, I always wondered how people justified such shocking rudeness and selfishness. As your posts demonstrate, I guess it’s just their innate character.

Edited to say: and if people are still bringing up the gap years later, only an incredibly self centred person wouldn’t realise they are still being twitted about their bad manners!

I think it's pretty shitty to expect someone to attend the morning ceremony,then make themselves scarce for a few hours and return for the evening.I would decline the invite or only attend the ceremony or the evening,but not both

Never heard of anything like this before. Guests usually are invited for the whole day or evening only. I wouldn’t go

When is the wedding?

But you are a bit of an add-on. Evening invitations are a time-honoured way of including people you are fond of but aren’t that close to — acquaintances, colleagues, extended family, neighbours. As ever, it’s an invitation, not an legally-enforced summons. Only on Mn is it a calculated insult, ‘exclusion’, or present-grab. Often it doesn’t work for those invited to attend because of distance, and often the couple getting married know that you’re unlikely to attend, they’re just saying ‘We value you’.

Not everyone feels like that though. I love weddings and would be happy to go in this scenario. I'd rather be invited to part of the day and have the choice to go or not rather than not invited at all 🤷

I think it's nice to invite the friends of your parents where you can.

Not everyone feels like that though. I love weddings and would be happy to go in this scenario. I'd rather be invited to part of the day and have the choice to go or not rather than not invited at all 🤷

I think it's nice to invite the friends of your parents where you can.

Me too. I like weddings. I like bits of them and I like all of them. I'm happy to be just an evening guest and I'd appreciate also being invited to the ceremony to see it too then spend a bit of time pottering about a new city or just relaxing back at the hotel.

I wouldn't take any insult from it and I certainly wouldn't see it as me being exploited for a present.

Ah. You misread.

My memory of my wedding day 27 years ago is strong enough to recall at least 25 people on the day who said what a wonderful day they'd had discovering my hometown.

My desire of not spending a fortune on 1 day and getting into debt for it isn't good enough for you? Ok then love.

And there's absolutely nothing to justify here. Unless you've got pots of money and think the world revolves around you.

Go or not go. It's really very simple. Choose to waste energy being offended or consider this highly rude if you must. Most of us have got better things to do with our lives than sit in judgement on others.

They aren't even really getting married though! That's happening elsewhere.

I would just go to the evening though. Cheeky invite! Why not just invite you to the evening party?!

So twenty five separate people raised the gap on your wedding day and you think they were complimenting you. That’s hilarious!

You keep telling yourself nobody minded!😂

That is a very odd take!
Also - these were not your weddings so it wasn't your place to insist on anything

What fresh hell is this! Invited to a wedding but are abandoned and ignored, and left to your own devices for hours before graciously being allowed back in for the evening bit?

OMG. I have never heard the like in my life. I'm Irish background, so weddings are a bit different there (ROI) so maybe that's colouring my aghast opinion!

I would just go to the ceremony. I'd be wily and a bit dishonest (sorry), and mingle with the ceremony crowd, say how lovely it is, give a generous gift, say "looking forward to seeing you later" and leg it home.

Sudden tummy bug, couldn't take the chance of spreading it or some other mad excuse.

Then the finery doesn't have to last all day and not wilt either. That's if someone asks about you. But I doubt you'll be missed at all, too much happening and drinks taken by that stage. 😊

My daughters were in totally agreement, and wanted all their guests to feel special. It’s was also my place to have some say as I was paying.
Not a odd take at all!

Because it's nice to be invited to the ceremony bit too? Even if it isn't the legal ceremony.

I just wouldn't take any offence over it. If it didn't suit me to do it this way then I wouldn't, I would just go to the ceremony or the evening or whichever or neither. I don't think it's rude to invite people to something nor to decline the invitation.

It probably would suit me though and I'd happily do it.

An invite isn't a summons.

I wouldn't go to the first part and would only go to the evening part.

@Doitrightnow I'm not saying there shouldn't have been an invite, but that expecting dozens of people to wait around aimlessly while you make it abundantly clear they are not important enough for you to bother feeding is incredibly bad manners. So the compromise should have been to either invite those additional people to the ceremony or the evening, not expect them to wait around while the bride and groom see to their more "important" guests.

I find it astounding that some people seem to lose all sense when it comes to weddings. If you were hosting a birthday party would you tell some of your guests they needed to leave your house before the buffet and then come back when you're ready to blow out the candles? It's exactly the same thing.