Invitation to non consecutive bits of a wedding

[TobyChestnut]

Close friend’s son getting married in a city a few hours away and we have received an invitation to the ceremony at 11.45am but not to the meal/speeches part which is after the ceremony. We are then invited to the evening at 7pm. All three parts are at the same venue. No accommodation at the venue other than for their immediate family so we have booked 2 x Premier Inn rooms for us and our 17 and 19 year old children about 6 miles away.

Felt obliged to accept both parts of the invitation despite the void in the middle as assumed that they wanted us to see them get married but couldn’t afford for more than a small number for the meal.

Was wondering what to do to fill 5- 6 hour gap between the two parts as the premier inn room not available until later and also because we will have had to get dressed up for the Ceremony so will be in our finery, hair done etc which we’d also want for the evening.

I’ve now just been told that there are 50 people at the meal/speeches part (I had assumed it was a small gathering for a dozen or so) and a further 100 who like us are invited to the other two parts. Also that the Ceremony isn’t the actually wedding as the venue isn’t licensed so they are having a civil ceremony elsewhere the day before (with families in attendance).

AIBU to think that this is an unfair ask but to feel uncomfortable saying so to my close friend? Wish they had just invited anyone not in the select 50 to the evening then we could use the day to travel, get ready at the premier inn and go to the evening part. Really don’t want to cause bad feeling as we have been friends for 40 years.

I'm not saying there shouldn't have been an invite, but that expecting dozens of people to wait around aimlessly while you make it abundantly clear they are not important enough for you to bother feeding is incredibly bad manners
I wouldn't take it that way. If I was invited in this way (as I have been twice) I would take it as face value, that i was invited, not expected to do anything I didn't want to or was particularly inconvenient to me. Nor would I consider that they couldn't be bothered feeding me but only that they couldn't afford/have room to formally feed everyone. Being invited to the ceremony as well as the evening is just a nice extra.

Beats me why everyone needs to take everything as such an insult.

You “insisted” when it was someone else’s wedding?

You keep projecting 🤣

You have a serious problem with misreading, don't you? They were complimenting my town, not me.

They were all friends as well, all of whom are too mature to show the passive aggressive ridiculousness you're suggesting is normal for you.

Most are still friends now. Clearly they have a much better opinion on what is considered rude than the pearl clutchers on this thread.

This is almost certainly what it is. Friends of parents are classic evening invitation territory, and as a lot of older people like to watch the ceremony, it was added to the invitation - probably for everyone who got an evening invitation, regardless of how far away they live.

Personally I think the bride and groom would be quite embarrassed if OP and family turned up in their “finery” with expensively done hair for what was essentially a “nice thing to do for mum and dad” invitation.

Lol. Of course they told you what a lovely time they'd had. They were hardly going to upset you on your wedding day and say they'd had a boring afternoon trying to fill in the gap. That would be like telling new parents that their precious baby is as ugly as sin. It may be true but it's not polite to tell them exactly what you think.

It's your friend of 40 years... if you can't tell her that it will be more convenient for your family to just attend the evening do then she can't be that good of a friend.

11:45 am wedding and evening do starting at 7pm 😳 what is everyone going to do for the day?! Our wedding was at 4pm and our evening do started not much past 7pm. That is one long boring day of doing nothing for the poor guests who have been suckered into attending the whole thing.

Go have lunch at 1pm and by the time you’re finished, it should be 3pm and check in time. You will presumably be up early to get ready. I’d have a nap, then some food and drinks about 6pm (because no dinner served) and head back for 7pm.

Sure. Keep believing that. 🙄

If they'd been bored, they'd have said nothing to me.

My hometown is one of different experiences and lots of fun. One of them at least would have mentioned something to me in the last 27 years when weddings have been discussed.

Now I'm thinking about it, a few years back, a friend told me the fun they'd had on my wedding day between the ceremony and the evening do. They still remembered what they'd enjoyed. I was quite touched that they looked back on it so fondly.

Shock horror. Who'd have thought it? Someone enjoying celebrating a friend's wedding with them AND enough maturity and understanding to know that they'd rather be present for some of our day at a price we could afford than not. The guests even found a way to have fun.

"Is this even possible?" I hear the pearl clutchers cry.

It's not even a wedding... that's been done already.

My daughters were in totally agreement, I consulted with them, they wanted all their guests to feel special and be part of the whole day. I did have some say, as I was paying.

So the ceremony you've been invited to is a mock ceremony, because they will have actually got married the day before? What is the point of that?! No way would I indulge that nonsense. Jeez, weddings are boring even when they are real, they are pointless and boring when they are pretend ceremonies. Just go in the evening.

I did have some say, as I was paying.

Oh, one of those.

Unlike some I think it's fair enough to have evening invites. I invited along some work friends who lived nearby and they all turned up.
It's pretty rude though to be invited to the ceremony and the evening do, but not the bit in between.

I'd only attend the evening do personally, because I find wedding ceremonies boring. I would feel hurt though.

Keep believing that you have a serious problem with misreading?

No worries...I will

No, that you are never going to accept that your selfishness and lack of care for your guests was noted.

I don’t think I’m the one who has a problem with misreading here but that doesn’t surprise me - the sort of person who thinks this sort of wedding is appropriate is never likely to understand other people’s point of view.

I'm not seeing the selfishness and lack of care at all. And I think it's perfectly plausible a number of people were like me in this situation and happy to enjoy a ceremony then have some free hours to explore a new place then come back to a party.

I get that a lot of people might find that rude but it's just as likely that that poster's guests were also as happy with it and not insulted as I would have been.

You're so certain it's rude that you're the one unable to see anyone else's point of view and insisting that posters friends have all lied to her.

You mean like the friends she specifically mentioned raising it before hand where her response was ‘if you don’t like it, don’t come?’

I don’t think any of them lied to her. I just think she is so incredibly self centred it never occurred to her that 25 separate people raising the same thing (the gap) over the course of one event were making a coordinated point.

It's perfectly possible that her friends did enjoy it. I went to a split wedding in central Edinburgh once (alone) and had a fantastic time looking around the city in between the ceremony and party.

I think it's more far-fetched that 25 people would be so petty as to accept an invitation and coordinated a passive aggressive attempt to say they were unhappy by saying they were happy. Maybe people really are that ridiculous and awful but I prefer to keep a more positive impression of people in general.

Being an evening guest is rubbish. No food, no free drink, everyone is already drunk when you get there, all the seats are taken, the speeches normally over run so you have to hang around outside, and you're still expected to dress up and give a present and find somewhere to spend the night. I would feel no obligation to go to this.

So give me your solution then. Show you understand.

Very limited budget. About 200 family and friends we'd like to celebrate with and would like to celebrate with us.

How would you have spent that money without the perceived rudeness you've imagined in our solution?

I think I'd be tempted to just go to the evening in this situation

And this is just hilarious! You would organise 25 people from around the country who didn't know each other much to make a co-ordinated attack to a mutual friend on their wedding day?

Just wow!

Maybe see it like they did, as a chance to explore a new town that they otherwise wouldn't have visited, rather than shlep into a hotel venue for an entire day, sleep at a premier Inn, then be on their way home again in the morning.

Or is that just a bit too out there for you?