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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invitation to non consecutive bits of a wedding

413 replies

TobyChestnut · 06/03/2025 23:25

Close friend’s son getting married in a city a few hours away and we have received an invitation to the ceremony at 11.45am but not to the meal/speeches part which is after the ceremony. We are then invited to the evening at 7pm. All three parts are at the same venue. No accommodation at the venue other than for their immediate family so we have booked 2 x Premier Inn rooms for us and our 17 and 19 year old children about 6 miles away.

Felt obliged to accept both parts of the invitation despite the void in the middle as assumed that they wanted us to see them get married but couldn’t afford for more than a small number for the meal.

Was wondering what to do to fill 5- 6 hour gap between the two parts as the premier inn room not available until later and also because we will have had to get dressed up for the Ceremony so will be in our finery, hair done etc which we’d also want for the evening.

I’ve now just been told that there are 50 people at the meal/speeches part (I had assumed it was a small gathering for a dozen or so) and a further 100 who like us are invited to the other two parts. Also that the Ceremony isn’t the actually wedding as the venue isn’t licensed so they are having a civil ceremony elsewhere the day before (with families in attendance).

AIBU to think that this is an unfair ask but to feel uncomfortable saying so to my close friend? Wish they had just invited anyone not in the select 50 to the evening then we could use the day to travel, get ready at the premier inn and go to the evening part. Really don’t want to cause bad feeling as we have been friends for 40 years.

OP posts:
PhilomenaPunk · 07/03/2025 09:19

TheMorels · 07/03/2025 09:10

So they want you to bump up the numbers at the ceremony, but you’re ranked so low that you don’t get invited to the meal, and you’re expected to go to the evening bit?

Sod that. I’d be politely declining.

Not to mention they will still be expecting presents from the 100 guests they have deigned to only invite to half the wedding!

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 07/03/2025 09:19

PhilomenaPunk · 07/03/2025 09:19

Not to mention they will still be expecting presents from the 100 guests they have deigned to only invite to half the wedding!

Show quote history

Oh I bet they won't be wanting gifts, only cash.

SpotlessLeopard · 07/03/2025 09:24

I think you should amend your rsvp to the bit you really want to attend, I doubt very much they'll mind either way, they have plenty on their plates at the moment with their organising.

PhilomenaPunk · 07/03/2025 09:24

@MeowCatPleaseMeowBack oh I'll bet you're right there! So tacky.

CarrieOnComplaining · 07/03/2025 09:26

I would just go to one part.

Branleuse · 07/03/2025 09:28

I think that it would make more sense to just go to the evening reception if youre not local to the area and its out in the sticks. Noone will mind

MummaMummaMumma · 07/03/2025 09:29

Just go to the evening

SinkToTheBottomWithYou · 07/03/2025 09:29

strawlight · 07/03/2025 00:28

I’d cancel the hotel rooms and just go for the ceremony then go home. Unless they’re friends who you’d usually do drinking and dancing with, in which case I’d go to the night do. Not both though, the gap is ridiculous!

I would also do that.

Doitrightnow · 07/03/2025 09:30

PhilomenaPunk · 07/03/2025 09:24

@MeowCatPleaseMeowBack oh I'll bet you're right there! So tacky.

I disagree. The couple have more likely invited OP because their parents asked them to, rather than in the hope of getting a gift.

I think you'd have to be pretty stupid to invite extra people to a wedding as a gift grab. In my experience 99% of gifts didn't cover the cost of inviting the person, even just to the evening bit if there's a buffet and/or open bar. If it was purely financial, better off not to invite them at all.

CasperGutman · 07/03/2025 09:33

This sounds a bit rubbish. We did invite a dozen or so of our university friends to our evening reception and also included a note of the ceremony time in case they wanted to come to the ceremony. In that case (i) the wedding was in a city they knew well and where we all meet up regularly, (ii) they were a group of friends together and all went for a meal together, (iii) we spoke to them all individually to check they were okay with this and apologise that we couldn't have more people at the dinner.

I think it worked out okay, and we didn't fall out over it, but I don't know how it would have come across if they'd started MN threads about the situation!

PhilomenaPunk · 07/03/2025 09:41

"I disagree. The couple have more likely invited OP because their parents asked them to, rather than in the hope of getting a gift.

I think you'd have to be pretty stupid to invite extra people to a wedding as a gift grab. In my experience 99% of gifts didn't cover the cost of inviting the person, even just to the evening bit if there's a buffet and/or open bar. If it was purely financial, better off not to invite them at all."

@Doitrightnow then the bride and groom should grow some spines and not pander to their parents. I would utterly refuse to give the impression that I am cheap to placate my parents.

Darkrestlessness · 07/03/2025 09:42

I'd just go to the evening and I wouldn't be getting too dolled up either. TBH I hate going to the evening do's only - it always feels like you are a bit of an add-on, joining the book at the last chapter - my preference would be to send a gift and decline.

Qwee · 07/03/2025 09:42

Extremely rude and I would decline.

mondaytosunday · 07/03/2025 09:48

I'd just go to the ceremony and skip the evening. Is it particular to England that weddings are split up like this? It's really odd.

Darkrestlessness · 07/03/2025 09:52

PhilomenaPunk · 07/03/2025 09:41

"I disagree. The couple have more likely invited OP because their parents asked them to, rather than in the hope of getting a gift.

I think you'd have to be pretty stupid to invite extra people to a wedding as a gift grab. In my experience 99% of gifts didn't cover the cost of inviting the person, even just to the evening bit if there's a buffet and/or open bar. If it was purely financial, better off not to invite them at all."

@Doitrightnow then the bride and groom should grow some spines and not pander to their parents. I would utterly refuse to give the impression that I am cheap to placate my parents.

Ah now for an Irish wedding - your gift should cover the cost of your invite - that's the unwritten rule.

BusyMum47 · 07/03/2025 10:01

TobyChestnut · 06/03/2025 23:25

Close friend’s son getting married in a city a few hours away and we have received an invitation to the ceremony at 11.45am but not to the meal/speeches part which is after the ceremony. We are then invited to the evening at 7pm. All three parts are at the same venue. No accommodation at the venue other than for their immediate family so we have booked 2 x Premier Inn rooms for us and our 17 and 19 year old children about 6 miles away.

Felt obliged to accept both parts of the invitation despite the void in the middle as assumed that they wanted us to see them get married but couldn’t afford for more than a small number for the meal.

Was wondering what to do to fill 5- 6 hour gap between the two parts as the premier inn room not available until later and also because we will have had to get dressed up for the Ceremony so will be in our finery, hair done etc which we’d also want for the evening.

I’ve now just been told that there are 50 people at the meal/speeches part (I had assumed it was a small gathering for a dozen or so) and a further 100 who like us are invited to the other two parts. Also that the Ceremony isn’t the actually wedding as the venue isn’t licensed so they are having a civil ceremony elsewhere the day before (with families in attendance).

AIBU to think that this is an unfair ask but to feel uncomfortable saying so to my close friend? Wish they had just invited anyone not in the select 50 to the evening then we could use the day to travel, get ready at the premier inn and go to the evening part. Really don’t want to cause bad feeling as we have been friends for 40 years.

You know what? Fuck that! I wouldn't worry about causing offence to your friend as she clearly hasn't worried about doing the same to you!

Your invite set-up is just plain weird - even moreso that the 'ceremony' part isn't even the actual wedding anyway! It's a really rude thing to expect 100 people to attend the ceremony but not be 'top tier' enough for the following reception - especially as there's nowhere to stay inbetween, while you have to wait around in your finery, sourcing your own meal, until you're 'allowed' back to the final part of the day! It's worse than just being invited to the evening 'do'.

If you want to go, I'd just go for the evening, which works for you, like you said. I'd have no worries about telling the friend if she asked.

OssieShowman · 07/03/2025 10:10

I am so glad weddings in Australia are not like that.
An invitation to a wedding is an invitation to everything.
The ceremony, the reception, including meal, speeches and dancing.

diddl · 07/03/2025 10:11

They'll already be married so you're travelling for hours to a party?

I'd either just go to the evening or preferably not at all.

NeedWineNow · 07/03/2025 10:13

We were invited by one of my friends to her wedding further down the country (a minimum 5-6 hour drive for us). We were invited for the early church wedding and light buffet after and the invitation said the bride and groom would leave at a specified time about 1.5 hours later. The timing was such that we would have to have stayed over the night before, plus the dress code was morning dress so needed to factor in hire cost for that for DH in addition to the hotel and gift. DH said he felt it was a long drive and expense for such a short main event as it were, but their wedding their choice. We did think about adding another night and making a weekend of it, even though it wasn't somewhere we'd normally think of to go.

Before we accepted the invitation I found out, purely by chance, that other friends and work colleagues had had different invitations to which they had been invited to the wedding and buffet but then also to the formal wedding breakfast and evening do which was starting about 1.5 hours after the bride and groom had 'left'.

We 'regretfully' declined.

TerrysCIockworkOrange · 07/03/2025 10:18

Like some other PPs I had this once and didn’t realise we weren’t invited to the whole thing until we were approx 2hrs in to the 3.5hr drive to get there. It was embarrassing, and really changed our opinion of the couple that they’d invite us just to the start and end, when we lived so far away. We would have preferred no invite at all in comparison really!
If you’re planning a wedding and considering these sorts of invites - DON’T

Anonanonandon · 07/03/2025 10:18

Not that this will help you but might make others think When planning weddings.
When my daughter married she could accommodate 100 for the ceremony and evening do but only 60 for the meal with speeches.
So we rented a room in a nearby pub (it was a posh one) laid on a buffet and drink for everyone stuck in the 'gap'.
By all accounts they had a brilliant time because groups of school and uni friends had a good catch up in comfortable surroundings.
My second daughter had a late afternoon ceremony straight into a party no sit-down meal.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 07/03/2025 10:23

"Wish they had just invited anyone not in the select 50 to the evening then we could use the day to travel, get ready at the premier inn and go to the evening part."

I voted YABU for this because I really can't stand evening invites, and don't attend them generally. I'm only interested in the ceremony part of weddings, so just because it's your preference to go to the evening, doesn't mean the other 100 share the same preference!

Instead of wishing that, just decide which part you want to go to, then tell them which part you'll be attending. It's an invite, not a summons.

PointySnoot · 07/03/2025 10:24

I'd skip the ceremony. The travel and timings are bloody awkward. It's nice that you don't want to cause upset, but to be honest the B&G have clearly not given that much thought to how this comes across.

Evening invites can work if they are planned with the evening guests in mind - travel arrangements, making sure they have somewhere to sit when they get there, a buffet in the evening etc. Personally I'm not a fan of them - if you're inviting someone to your wedding then invite them for the full thing, and set your budget and guest list accordingly.

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/03/2025 10:25

This happened to me once. I didn’t realise I wasnt invited to the whole wedding as I didn’t know it was even a thing to invite people to the ‘free’ ceremony but skip the bit that costs! A friend who was also in the same boat told me - we ended up going to a nice restaurant and the pub in between. It was centre of town though so easy to do. I wouldn’t go to a wedding like that again and I admit I think less of people who do this - you want to bolster numbers in the church basically, but save money. If you are happy to go, I’d miss the ceremony and turn up for the evening.

wknobur · 07/03/2025 10:29

Yes, this is annoying but I can understand them only having 50 people to the meal and speeches and why you haven't made it into that 50. In our family there would be nearly 50 with just close family on both sides. They probably couldn't afford more or the venue couldn't take more than 50.
You've been invited, you don't have to go to both, though I assume you have already accepted so can't really pull out now. I would have said I'd go to either the ceremony or the evening do but not both.

What time can you check in at the Premier Inn? Could you go for a meal after the ceremony and then go back to the Premier Inn where you could relax for a bit, touch up hair and make up if necessary and then go back for the evening?