Invitation to non consecutive bits of a wedding

[TobyChestnut]

Close friend’s son getting married in a city a few hours away and we have received an invitation to the ceremony at 11.45am but not to the meal/speeches part which is after the ceremony. We are then invited to the evening at 7pm. All three parts are at the same venue. No accommodation at the venue other than for their immediate family so we have booked 2 x Premier Inn rooms for us and our 17 and 19 year old children about 6 miles away.

Felt obliged to accept both parts of the invitation despite the void in the middle as assumed that they wanted us to see them get married but couldn’t afford for more than a small number for the meal.

Was wondering what to do to fill 5- 6 hour gap between the two parts as the premier inn room not available until later and also because we will have had to get dressed up for the Ceremony so will be in our finery, hair done etc which we’d also want for the evening.

I’ve now just been told that there are 50 people at the meal/speeches part (I had assumed it was a small gathering for a dozen or so) and a further 100 who like us are invited to the other two parts. Also that the Ceremony isn’t the actually wedding as the venue isn’t licensed so they are having a civil ceremony elsewhere the day before (with families in attendance).

AIBU to think that this is an unfair ask but to feel uncomfortable saying so to my close friend? Wish they had just invited anyone not in the select 50 to the evening then we could use the day to travel, get ready at the premier inn and go to the evening part. Really don’t want to cause bad feeling as we have been friends for 40 years.

And @YourAgileJadeHam I'm not Asian. Did you know that every resident of Leicester is not Asian? How racist are you?! Sheesh.

@Inthebathagain It's obviously not an Asian wedding because anyone with south Asian heritage would never in a million years be so inhospitable. Providing plenty of food and drink for guests is standard and expected. Obviously cultures differ in respect to the kind of food and drinks served but this scenario would just never happen.

Friend went from Newcastle city centre to the airport and back on a little trip on the Metro in her full-on bridesmaid clobber in the gap between the afternoon and evening receptions at her sister’s wedding!

Agree with pp. Whilst it's B&G wedding day and therefore their decision, good hosts are considerate of their guests. It's not even as if the ceremony is the proper one. OP, a few premier inns now do early check-ins from 11am (subject to an extra charge) so that may be a possibility. If you have a flexible booking with the hotel, I might be tempted to just go to the ceremony and then go home same day and cancel the hotel rooms. If I couldn't cancel the hotel rooms, I'd just go for the evening do.

I’ve been to weddings like this and I’m sure it used to be fairly common - when people would get married in their home town and everyone was from round there, often everyone would come to the church, the close family would go to the wedding breakfast, and then everyone would rock up again for the evening. Unfortunately these days where people often have to travel for weddings it doesn’t always work out for everyone anymore.

Last time I went to a wedding like that, me and my husband just went to the nearest pub for some food and drink, and by the time we’d finished eating most of the other exiled guests were also in there and nobody really wanted to go back for the evening do because we were having a great time.

If you still want to go, I'd find somewhere nice for lunch, assume that would be about 12.30 or 1 till 2 ish, try to spin it out as long as possible, then check in to the Premier Inn at 3. I'd then get changed into something more comfortable, have a rest, then go out and explore the city.

Honestly I'd get dressed for the ceremony, pay for an earlier PI check in, get changed and then explore the city for the day. Grab a nice lunch and find something to do as a family (or send the kids in the direction of something they'd want to do and have some time with your partner). Get changed for the evening, touch up your make up and go to the party.

For me I wouldn't necessarily be disgruntled. Yes it's not ideal but I'd turn it into a weekend of exploring somewhere else that I wouldn't normally have visited. For me celebrating with my friend would be important even if it skews weekend slightly.

Agree just go to the evening, not the fakey ceremony which isn't actually a wedding.

I had this and it felt really awkward - it was a friend and I totally understood she couldn't have everyone she wanted at the wedding meal but I would rather not have been invited to the church. It felt just cringy when lots of people went off - and as others have said, you arrive at the wedding, people are still seated round tables and you feel horrible like an intruder!

I would just go for the evening and don't think that is rude at all.

I don't actually think they were rude like some pp are suggesting. They clearly want to have a big wedding and include lots of people in the ceremony as to many that is the most important bit. They are probably having to budget a bit for the sit down meal. But then wanted to invite everyone to join later to enjoy the party with them. I personally think it's a lot nicer than just getting the evening invite.

However, while I think it's okay to invite people this way I don't think you have to go to both if it doesn't work. But if you want to, I'd do what PP suggested and get a lunch after, have a wonderful, check in early to get ready for the evening.

Fwiw I've stayed in the central premier inn in Leicester a few times. I've arrived early and they've been more then happy to store my luggage while I explore for the day.

I always wondered what the people who made the decision to be this rude were thinking at the time. Thanks for the explanation, I guess?

We sent "evening invitations" to some local guests (neighbours and colleagues) with a note at the bottom saying that they were also welcome to join us at the church (with details). They tended to choose one or the other which was fair enough. There's a distinction in the wording there that the ceremony was an added option that made it more flexible to what suited them rather than a full day invitation with the middle section excluded which is what causes awkwardness.

They also didn't have to bear costs of accomodation or significant travel, and weren't guests that would have been expecting invitations. That's a major factor

There's also a bit of a difference where the ceremony and receptions are held seperately in that all guests are moving on in a natural break rather than walking away from people getting comfortable for the rest of the day, then having to come back in after working out how to entertain themselves for several hours, especially when away from home.

Secular ceremonies can be quite brief; not all have the substance of readings and music to make it worth specific effort to attend. Some have been the loveliest, most personal ceremonies, but some couples do go for the most minimalist approach and guests aren't always aware of which route the couple will go down to inform their choice.

Expecting guests to travel and require accomodation and not inviting for a complete day is unfair to them and usually rather inconvenient (time and cost).

The worst wedding I went to had a weird unofficial break for hours where the guests were held in limbo at the hotel for hours while the bridal party fucked off for photos and a pub lunch.
The church was at town A, the (horifically overpriced) hotel in the arse end of nowhere an hour away from there, and we were staying with family an hour away in a different direction because of a lack of sensibly priced accomodation in the area.

The ceremony was at 12, it was 3 when we arrived after a full mass and travel, and another 5 hours of uninformed loitering until the wedding breakfast. We'd had brunch at 10am and only a couple of biscuits each and coffee was provided to tide guests over until 8pm from the official start at 12.
No notice not to rush to the hotel.
Nothing other than live sheep within 45 minutes of the hotel- no nipping off for a crafty trip to a pub or McDonalds
A lack of seating and heating too, so it was bloody uncomfortable.
We politely lingered until the first dance then left at 10 as the evening reception finally started.
We'd flown over for that and the best thing about the effort and expense to go to that wedding was a chance to meet some of DH's extended family.
It was also a good lesson in thinking about how to keep guests comfortable and happy.

Book yourselves in for a great lunch. The food will be better and then you’ll be ready for a fun evening.

it’s nice that you’ve been invited.
enjoy the day.

Personally I would decline the day invite to the ceremony and I’d go for the party at night.

i think it’s rude to invite people for a ceremony then ask them to entertain themselves for a few hours and come back, It’s either an all day invite or an evening only invite.

we had family only during the day(40in total) then invited extended family, friends and colleague’s for a party in the evening.

@TobyChestnut just say you accepted the morning invitation in error and only meant to accept the evening bit as you can't be hanging about from the morning to evening bit. Friends should be able to talk to each other, especially when you have 40 years of history....

When I got married we invited almost everyone to the whole day but had a small group of more distant work colleagues who I was just going to invite to the evening do until one of those work colleagues said she didn't mind missing the meal but it was very rude to only invite them to the evening celebration but not to the actual wedding service at the church.

I therefore amended all their invitations to invite them to the service and the evening do. I did make it clear to the rest of the group however that they weren't obliged to come to the church if they didn't want to and in actual fact none of them except the woman who had made the fuss did attend the service.

Exactly

@TobyChestnut you aren't going out Rutland way are you (that's roughly 20 mins from Leicester)? If you are, and you decide you're going for the full day but looking for stuff to do, have a look to see if the Rutland Belle has started up yet at Rutland Water - that might be quite nice all dressed up.

There are some lovely village pubs you could go to for a nice meal potentially too.

The only time this worked for me was for 1) a colleague's wedding - a handful of us were invited to the (real) ceremony and the evening do.
It was a glorious day so we went and bought a picnic and wine and sat in a park by the river til it was time to go to the venue.
2) a bunch of us were providing musical entertainment and the B& G put money behind the bar at a pub for us all to have some food and drink in between.

That wouldn't work for me now I have a toddler.

I think you will all enjoy the five hours with some of the other friends who have a similar invitation.

Share a meal, see a film, visit a museum, freshen up at your Inn and go out to party for the rest of the evening.

Right. So there we have it. Proof that some people don't think for a moment about other people's comfort or needs when planning their wedding. Expect people to pay £££s to come to your event and call them a whinging baggage if they're not thrilled at the prospect of having to do full make-up in the car or change in a pub toilet.

Then don’t send the invitation. A guest is a guest. If you choose to invite them, however reluctantly, they need to be properly hosted. Otherwise, just invite them to the evening do.

There is nothing wrong with adding people at each stage - that’s common. I’ve been to several evening dos of people I don’t know particularly well. It’s sending some of your guests away for half the event so you can host the people you actually want to see that’s rude.

So they want you to bump up the numbers at the ceremony, but you’re ranked so low that you don’t get invited to the meal, and you’re expected to go to the evening bit?

Sod that. I’d be politely declining.

We still laugh about a wedding we went to 40yrs ago that was like this. A town with nothing to do in it and nowhere to go. No internet back then. No cinema or decent pub/restaurant around. So we sat in Mcdonalds in our wedding finery and then sat in the car listening to music - for hours!

We recently went there to the theatre (built since the wedding!). Still a grim place and seemed to be a series of car parks!

I don’t think it’s rude. They have invited you to the ceremony and the party, just not the family bit. Go and have lunch and back to the hotel for a nap.

We had a similar invite years okay but it was a 1pm wedding and on a Sunday so by the time we came out all the pubs had finished serving food (it wasn’t near anything either so only 2 pubs). One cafe was about to shut but stayed open for us and ended up with 50 of us from the wedding crammed in 😂 That was a bit weird and poorly thought out. Bridal party went to a restaurant then were 3 hours late to the venue arriving at 8pm. First dance wasn’t until 10pm and food was bowls of crisps and that was it in the evening. Middle of no where so had to drive so it was a very sober event in a very expensive mansion they clearly couldn’t afford. But, we managed to have fun and it was memorable. I think everyone tries their best but some aren’t natural planners and pleasing everyone is a nightmare so I always give the benefit of the doubt. Overall, they want you there so getting offended is a weird response.

I'm sorry but that's so tacky, they clearly don't want to feed half their guests! In your shoes OP I would actually decline the whole thing.