11+4 and having cravings - husband says to go out on bike to get snacks

[Tetchy321]

Hi,

So we live in a village that is not really within walking distance to shops. There is a service station that I could cycle to but I don't cycle that often and don't feel confident being near the motorway. I was feeling nauseous and didn't have nay snacks or food in the house that I wanted to eat due to nausea and aversions. We both WFH and I don't drive.

So anyway, I told DH that I wanted a snack and before I could finish what I was saying and explain that it can wait till he finishes work, he said I should cycle to the motorway service station. I'm working so can't really take the time - but he said it would take 10 mins max.

Am I unreasonable for feeling a little put out by this?

Edit: Just to add, I wasn't expecting my DH to go during the day, I would have waited until he had time to drive

@Strawbsss it makes it harder if you choose to live somewhere where you can't easily pop out to the shops, groups or activities if you can't drive though.

She meant that but didn’t say it.

He said that if she wanted it she would have to get it herself (because he was working).

As OP doesn’t drive, I’m sure he usually gets all of the shopping and would have got it when he wasn’t working.

OP hasn’t said that he refuses to get shopping for her or leaves her to go hungry etc.

She just said that he thought she meant to get it whilst he was in the middle of work, so told her to cycle to the nearest shop which is less than 5mins away.

Pleased to hear this. I couldn’t have coped without my car when DD was little, we lived a significant distance from the closest (and rather unpleasant) town. Little things like being able to get out and about and go places and see people make the world of difference to your mental health in those early days.

Also, ignore the “well I cycled to the hospital crowning with all six of my children” comments. Good for them. I, on the other hand, a very fit and active person pre-pregnancy found myself on crutches at 20 something weeks with debilitating pelvic girdle pain. Each pregnancy is unique for every woman, and comments like that don’t help anyone.

And for the record, if you weren’t asking him to go during work hours, then no, of course he doesn’t HAVE to go and get you snacks to make you feel better when he finished work, but you can be damn sure my husband would! He’d probably clock off early too if he could. All these women who can do it all by themselves who are then shocked when they find their partners not being supportive down the line or pulling their weight with the housework or childcare. There is no shame in setting the bar high. A good and loving man will happily rise to meet it.

Yes, I don't drive and can parent really well. However I can easily walk to shops or catch public transport, from what the OP says that's not an option for her!

It depends how you feel, which I thought everyone knew? I was barely even walking anywhere at 11+4 without needing to recover and missing large chunks of work. Can I use that to say you were a negligent mum in cycling? Of course not. Does your being fine to cycle mean the op is? Of course not.

I remember this stage so well. I lived on instant mash, because it could stand by the kettle with a bowl and I didn’t need to open the fridge.

The smell of the fridge and dishwasher were vile, I couldn’t bend to get in the cupboards. I could still give you a guided tour of that small town with places I had to stop to be sick.

I sucked individual crisps til they dissolved in my mouth. Eventually I moved on to late night cravings for chips, but DH didn’t drive.

@Tetchy321 have you tried milk? I loathe the stuff and never had it, but discovered it was the only thing that helped my nausea in pregnancy 2. I lived on milk, literally.

Oh my god Mumsnet hates non-drivers and any woman who has any help with anything all.
YANBU OP, it's cheeky and discourteous to tell a nauseous pregnant woman to get on her bike and cycle near the motorway for a snack?! He should have immediately asked what you wanted and set a timescale for going to get it for you - least he could do.

YABU only for eating Marmite sandwiches all day

Congratulations on your pregnancy btw and hope you feel better soon

You need to pass your test asap! Don't wait for second trimester - you're nearly there anyway! I couldn't think of anything worse than being housebound on my mat leave it was crucial for me to get out

Equally I acted like an adult and had things in when I was pregnant. In fact, I have food in the house now, groundbreaking stuff.
I also would take responsibly for my choices…moving to an isolated place whilst being unable to drive and (presumably) planning to have a child wouldn’t have been a choice I’d make.

He's probably sick of being a taxi for you and fancying a snack whilst he's working just tipped him over the edge.

For the future so you know about whoosh with Tesco. Pretty good

It’s a first baby. Nobody thinks 4 weeks preg with my first, maybe in a week there will be only 5 things I can eat, not all at one time, only in good moments, for the next 8 weeks so I had better buy out the supermarkets. You discover what you can eat, by your partner buying different things and you seeing if you can think about them without being sick, then if you can look at them, then if you can get them into your mouth.

No, I’d didn’t rely on “my partner buying things”, as I said…I acted like an adult.

I wouldn't cycle that ever, regardless of pregnancy status!

Nobody is being unreasonable. I wouldn’t fancy that cycle either. And he’s not unreasonable not to go during work (given you didn’t actually explain that you meant after work).

Put another way, you’re both being unreasonable not to have communicated better or set yourselves up better to avoid this sort of thing- learn to drive, get organised so that there’s always something in your like to eat etc etc. it will pay dividends when the baby is here.

Sometimes this place baffles me, some people here are being bloody awful - surely you're not like this IRL?

Glad you got some snacks sorted, OP, & good luck with your next driving test.

Have a chat with your OH, you don't really say whether this is unusual for him so maybe worth re-iterating how much support you'll need over the coming months. Maybe he was quick in his comms with you & wasn't really thinking & you are (obvs) feeling sensitive, taking more from it than needed. Had you started the request with 'on your way home could you..' his reaction would have been different, I hope so.

But ignore the supercilious arsehattery here, it's enough to make anyone feel nauseous at times. 'oh but I was running marathons in 4 inch heels across the Nairobi desert at 34 weeks on a diet of lettuce leaves & radishes flicks hair dramatically Having not eaten a single UPF in years'

Bloody hell, how sad for you. You can act like an adult and still rely on your loved ones for help when you’re not feeling your best. If that’s not your experience of life, than I feel very sorry for you.

OP YANBU at all. My DH would have dropped anything as soon as he could to go and get me something I might be able to eat when pregnant with my two. Pregnancy nausea is so rough, and all these women hating other women who have supportive partners is just plain sad. They should be raising their expectations, not you lowering yours.

Sure - but not this poster. She said she intends to learn 'and' she chose to live in this location where she is 100% reliant on her partner to fetch things for her. Of course life can change and who knows if any of us will be able to drive forever, but she has set her life up in an unsustainable way.

Bloody hell, someone missed the point and is making pretty big assumptions. My partner is more supportive than I could ever hope for, what we consider basic support to each other is far and beyond this nonsense. In fact I’ve been shouted down on here when I’ve described how we work as lying. What can you do, especially when people like you get it wrong the other way 😂

My point is OP, at 11 weeks apparently has “no food in the house”, made an idiotic decision to move to an isolated place whilst being unable to drive, activity chose not to learn, decided to have a baby and is now reaping the “rewards” of those decisions. If I asked DH to get me snacks he would, but I also wouldn’t leave myself in the situation OP has. Like many posts on here, the snacks are the issue.

Walk?

this is not new to most people but it clearly is to you. Adult pregnant women can be very unwell when pregnant. If I’d gone to the shops, the exertion would have meant I couldn’t eat anyway. Days I went to work, I had to have food or starve, because catching the lifts downstairs to buy food was too much exertion and meant I couldn’t eat anything. So yes I relied on my husband, him and the office smoothie delivery man. It wasn’t enough food to stop losing weight, but it kept my baby healthy until the misery eased. I was an adult pregnant woman. Adult women of all varieties are allowed to need help. If they are pregnant adult women with a partner it is only reasonable to expect that help to come from the partner. This is not a new or a complicated concept, except seemingly to you.

But can you not see that you’re missing the point?

This isn’t about the OP suffering from the consequences of her actions (which shows a complete lack of empathy on your part, you must be a lovely friend if you hold people to such a high standard 🙄), it’s about her partner supporting her in her pregnancy. She is pregnant now, and that was a choice they BOTH made. Her partner should be contributing to that journey too, even if it is just fetching her something she might be able to stomach in that moment. Being pregnant with their child is not just her problem.

You've no idea why she lives where she does, how old she is & appear to have missed the minor fact she HAS been learning to drive & has already taken a test.

Assumptions? Really?

You might want to fact check your own post using the information freely available within this actual thread before accusing others of making assumptions 😂

Thank you for that tip! I'll give it a try x