DD leaving her baby with me

[CustardCreamsfortea]

My DD is 17 and had her baby (dgs) just before Christmas. Unplanned pregnancy and her then boyfriend (dgs's dad) wanted nothing to do with them both. She only found out that she was pregnant 7 weeks before dgs was born.

The first few weeks was fine and with support from myself and her older sister, she was looking after him with no issues. The last month or so I think the novelty has worn off for her. She frequently goes out with her mates and leaves dgs with me without asking if it's ok. I've told her I don't mind babysitting if it's prearranged and I don't already have plans but several times now I've had plans and she's gone out without asking if I'll look after him. I've then either had to cancel my plans or take him with me. I try calling her to come home and she won't answer her phone or texts

I've tried sitting down and talking to her but it goes in one ear and out of the other. She says she'll stay at home more then doesn't. Last night she went about 3pm and didn't come back until early this morning. Didn't answer her phone in that time. So I was left looking after dgs all night.

How do I get her to step up and start looking after her son?

What a ridiculous comment!
Adoption would actually be one way to meet all of this babie's needs. Not the only way, but certainly a very good option.

My daughter had her baby at 17. She couldn’t cope so me and her dad stepped in. Took over looking after the baby completely and let my child grow up. I now have the best ever relationship with my daughter and the best ever bond with my grandson. My daughter has completely stepped up and is an amazing mum to her boy.. but when babies have babies the adults need to step up. Enjoy it. There is no better feeling :)

Either she looks after him or put him up for adoption. Sounds like she didn’t really get a choice on whether she wanted to remain pregnant or not. You just need to give her a reality check.

if she’s keeping him she need to step up. Star going out so she doesn’t have a choice to stay home. But seriously have a conversation about wether she wants to be a mum.

of she does, support her. If not she has options.

If my kids at 17 had gone out at 3pm and not come home all night and not answered their phones, I'd have called the police. Where on earth was she?
How did YOU not realise she was pregnant until she was 33 weeks? Do you not buy her sanitary protection? Do her washing? Did you notice her body changing?
I'm sorry to be negative but it seems like a lack of supervision/ interest could have allowed her to end up in this situation in the first place.

If she has been allowed such unfettered freedom before then she is unlikely to stop now.
I think you might need to resign yourself to beig primary carer for the foreseeable future.

The first posters suggestion wasn't ludicrous. You don't want to parent him ( neither would I in your situation) and she is too immature to. He is thr priority here. I'd speak to her and see what it is she actually wants to do and then go from there. Best of luck as it sounds like a tough situation all round.

How could OP realistically make any plans? Neither she nor her DD knew about the pregnancy till 7 weeks before the baby was born. She could not tell her daughter what to so

The poor poor baby: a father who doesn't want to know and a mother who doesn't give a damn.
Adoption would be best for the child with a family who actually wanted a baby and were interested in it and would give it a loving and supportive home.

@AuntAgathaGregson

I find that extremely far fetched.

Plus why did the girl quit school in September if she "didn't realize" shexwas pregnant till early November??

Apologies if you’ve already covered this, but make sure she’s on contraception.

She started college September. Found out pg a few weeks in and had baby 7 weeks later before Xmas.
She may have been doing a course unsafe to do when pg or perhaps just shell shocked. Some people go on maternity leave at 33 weeks. It sounds like she agreed with college to drop out and restart when baby 8/9 months which would seem a sensible plan.

How is she affording to go out?

7 weeks before Christmas is the first of November, not mid-late September.

It makes me so angry when there are so many women desperate to have a baby and for one reason or another can't. And then there women like OP's DD who have a child they don't value and can't be bothered to look after because going out socialising is more important to them than the life they brought into this world.

And similarly this poor child's father can't be bothered with the life he was happy to create when he had sex. It's just so easy to walk away from responsibility.

Please OP if your DD can't be bothered with her own child do the decent thing and get social services involved with a view to giving it a good life in an adopted family.

I asked that earlier; no response. A 17 year old staying out all night with no repercussions is also not the norm.

And wait for good knows how long?

Grim isn't it.
Anyone would think we had no contraception these days..

Jeez op that's a toughie.

I would imagine that finding out you're pregnant at that age then navigating your relationship ending (which are all consuming at that age) and then 7 weeks later you're holding your baby is just a hell of a lot to get your head round and probably actually quite traumatic and isolating. So my view would be towards still trying to support her where possible. I would be questioning her mental health to be honest, it's possible she's got PND and is avoiding everything instead of facing it. Some counselling might also be beneficial for her just in processing the major life changes she just went through, she must feel really out of control of her life right now and may not know how to express that. You must be around 3 months in and it can start to manifest at this stage and she would be at higher risk for it.

I also am wondering about how you're finding out she's left the baby in your care without you knowing about it. That is really worrying in terms of consistency of care and the risk of baby being left home alone so I think I would be involving social services to try and mitigate that risk. She needs more support services around her and social services can make do some mediation work/ family conferencing and help create some more structure to the support you're offering and a bit more accountability. They might be able to refer for counselling and specialist support for young parents as well. My sister had dn at the same age and she found it really hard to "keep up" with friends because they were all starting to go out more and do things weekend and evenings and move away and she couldn't do those things and they didn't understand why. So she may be feeling a lot of pressure to maintain her friendships etc. She's still trying to act like a 17 yo.

I would be looking to get the support in place first, then when she's 18 look into her own tenancy so those supports can follow her. I wouldn't be moving her out until you know she can take care of baby alone.

Also just to point out for all those crying out to have this child adopted- adoption is still a trauma regardless of the circumstances. The best possible outcome here is that ops dd is supported to step up, bond with her baby and parent the way the baby needs her to not further trauma for all involved.

Trauma for who?
For the child ? For the mother?

Op is prepared to support her DD in looking after the baby. But the child's mother is abandoning her baby to go out and socialise so it is clear she is not interested in the welfare of her own child. If she doesn't want her child adopted then she has to step up to her role as mother.
What is best for the baby has to be paramount.

Trauma for the child, the mother, for op. And if you're wondering why I think this I work with young people who have been adopted and their families. It's not a fix all like some seem to think it is, it's really complex. I absolutely agree what's best for baby is paramount that goes without saying - but this situation is a child learning to raise a child after a pretty brutal life experience and at this stage pp quite possibly affected by pnd. They need support to step up and parent the way baby deserves not people immediately clamouring for adoption and saying she clearly doesn't care about her child. That's why I'm saying the best outcome here, is ops dd does what she needs to do and baby stays with their family and are safe and cared for. That requires support, hard work and time.

Surely nobody seriously thinks this little baby should be adopted? The op wouldn't want that! The girl just needs more maturity and that will come with time and patience.

What does the daughter want though?

It cannot be assumed that she’ll ’come around’ to being a parent.

I'm from the generation when having a child out of wedlock was considered a social stigma.
So when I got pregnant as a single young woman living at home I was pressurised into saying I would have my baby adopted. My parents told me they would never allow my baby into their home.
I went into labour prematurely and I had to tell the hospital staff that my baby was to be adopted because it was normal to take the baby away straight after birth. So the staff treated me very unkindly during the birth because they assumed I didn't care about my child.
But I cared very much. So when he was delivered I was devastated at the thought of losing him and could not give him up. We were sent to a Mother and Baby home to a city some distance from my home. My baby was never adopted but he died at 3 weeks old because he was premature and his lungs weren't formed properly.
So actually I do have some knowledge of trauma and adoption. But I find it hard to have sympathy with this young woman, whose mother is willing to support her, because she is not bothering about the welfare of her own child. I fail to see how her child being adopted could be traumatic for her if she is not demonstrating that she wants to actually be it's mother.

I can understand how going through such a painful trauma of your own, with such cruel treatment from the people who should have supported you could make it very difficult to empathise with ops dd who is in a very different situation to the one you found yourself in. At the same time, in my own personal experience I was born to someone who experienced significant ptsd and pnd and who really struggled to parent me appropriately as a result so I know exactly what it's like to be raised by someone who doesn't want you and I wouldn't want that for any child. But I've also worked with many young women who struggled initially but who, with the right support, were able to bond with their babies and become wonderful parents. I also watched my sister do it at 16. If ops dd has the will and engages with the right services then there's no need for this baby to be adopted. Plus we now know that children who are adopted even from birth can have very complex feelings about it, it has an impact on long term mental health and even infants removed at the moment of birth can have issues with disordered attachment. I've also worked with many family's where children have been placed at birth but the adoption ended up breaking down. It seems like a kindness but to suggest it as the 'only' solution or the "best outcome" as so many have on this thread is misinformed and very unfair to op who is asking for actual help and guidance. If her dd doesn't want to continue to parent that's one thing, but actions and feelings can be two different things so we really don't know how she feels about her child. And it really is really days and there's a lot of support available that hasn't yet been utilised.

She will be clinging on to her old life, trying to be like her friends and is probably struggling with her new responsibilities. Rather than withdraw help, maybe you could set some boundaries like DD you bath him and put him to bed then if you want to go out on certain set nights it’s fine. She’s still a kid even if she now has one.