DD leaving her baby with me

[CustardCreamsfortea]

My DD is 17 and had her baby (dgs) just before Christmas. Unplanned pregnancy and her then boyfriend (dgs's dad) wanted nothing to do with them both. She only found out that she was pregnant 7 weeks before dgs was born.

The first few weeks was fine and with support from myself and her older sister, she was looking after him with no issues. The last month or so I think the novelty has worn off for her. She frequently goes out with her mates and leaves dgs with me without asking if it's ok. I've told her I don't mind babysitting if it's prearranged and I don't already have plans but several times now I've had plans and she's gone out without asking if I'll look after him. I've then either had to cancel my plans or take him with me. I try calling her to come home and she won't answer her phone or texts

I've tried sitting down and talking to her but it goes in one ear and out of the other. She says she'll stay at home more then doesn't. Last night she went about 3pm and didn't come back until early this morning. Didn't answer her phone in that time. So I was left looking after dgs all night.

How do I get her to step up and start looking after her son?

Alot need to happen to sort this out

Involve children services, they don't look to split families but can help in terms of conversations and support.

DD may need counselling to understand how she feels and face this.

A friend of mine was in a similar situation, she decided to become the primary carer (at 55) and has gone through official routes with help from social services to get a parental guarandahip court order so she can make decisions for the dgd. Her Dd is still there but sees the child as more like a sister but wil care for her and take her out if needed.

As harsh as it sounds, what about contacting children's services and speaking to them about a possible mother and baby foster placement.

They will keep them together but will mentor your daughter on how to be a good mum.

This may be what she needs for now!

Phew, that's a relief. I didn't think you'd want your grandson to go to another home, nor do you want to turf out your daughter, even temporarily.

I think your daughter will shape up if you set some firm guidelines and stick to them. She is very young. Things will improve.

You're a great mum.

@CustardCreamsfortea when you had the appointments with the teenage/vulnerable midwife, what did you agree to do? In the absence of you saying that you would step up, they usually refer to SS. If you have made promises and there's been support rejected because of that, then that's unfair. While she is under 18, is the time to see what's available. There will be pastoral and practical support at the college.

In poverty as a single parent who is still a child herself and doesn't want him? This is not the best thing for the little boy! The best outcome would be him to be adopted by a couple who are desperate for a baby, are financially stable and ideally with a male role model. So much of essential child development is dependent on the early years, OP's daughter's disinterest could have an effect on his attachment and could be incredibly damaging.

Because your daughter realised (or admitted to herself) that she was pregnant so late the choice as to continue with the pregnancy was taken from her however has anyone actually sat down with her and asked her what SHE wants

It sounds like you are against the idea of adoption so she may not have brought it up.

If she doesn't want to be a mother (and she needs to understand this is permanent - she can't say she doesn't want to bring him up for a few years and then have him back - thats not fair on the baby) then you both have some hard decisions to make - whether that is you get a special guardianship order and you become the day to day parent bringing him up, or whether he is placed for adoption. (or that he goes to the paternal side of his family)

What is currently happening is not fair to any of you, especially the baby, but you can't make her become a doting mother who wants her child if thats not what she wants

All other things being equal (and OP being willing) the best thing for the baby would be for the mother to continue living with the OP and for the baby to be brought up in the family unit with tapering support until the mother is able to look after him in the way he needs.

if the OP isn’t able or willing to do this (and that’s a valid choice on her part) the second best option is for the daughter to relinquish the child. But that’s a poor second best and the OP can’t force that decision. The daughter will have to make it of her own volition and if she doesn’t the OP would have to go down the route of reporting her child to SS for neglect and have them start the process of removing the child against the daughter’s wishes which is unlikely to happen overnight.

Where in any of this have we been told that ops dd doesn't want her child?

My sister was a 16 yo single parent. She got her own place, got a job, put herself through a degree and is not in poverty. I'm a single parent. My son is not growing up in poverty. The ONLY reason you're assuming that an older wealthier couple is better for this child is because of the stereotypes around young mothers and single mothers and let me tell you that your judgement is part of the problem not the solution.

You're right that so much of development is dependent on the early years. The trauma of losing their mother and granny would be very significant in the early years. It could significantly impact this child's ability to form healthy attachments. Also just because someone is wealthy, older and in a couple does not make them good parents. Being desperate for a child is nothing to do with adoption and actually prospective adopters need to be able to show that that is not their motivation. Ops dd is 17, with only the support op has provided so far and has been parenting for roughly a whole 3 months without all the antenatal preparation that most people have. She deserves a fucking chance not people judging her and calling for someone to swoop in and take her child off her. It's ludicrous that people are seriously suggesting it. There's not a social worker who would do it, and it wouldn't even meet the legal threshold for the child to be removed and for good reason.

Op says says novelty worn off and she’s out frequently so it doesn’t sound like the dd is wanting to be a mum.
They need support as a family to see if it is temporary and daughter wants to do it with support or if alternative parenting is going to be needed for baby.
Lots assuming Op could just step in and care for him. Even if willing to be a parent again at her age it may not be possible financially and that’s something Op will need to explore. I had a neighbour who received money to foster her son’s baby as her teen son and gf couldn’t care for baby but she needed income as neighbour was single mum to other children.

to be fair you’re projecting her based on your own experiences, the OP describes a 17 year old who is abandoning her child without informing anyone and leaving the house for hours on end and ignoring phone calls. She certainly sounds like she’s struggling to be a mum and take on responsibility.

Being raised by your own family is so important to a child’s identity but if OP can’t commit to taking that responsibility while her daughter is refusing to, then her daughter has a hard decision to make. But someone has to take real responsibility for that baby. Being passed from reluctant pillar to reluctant post its whole life will also be very traumatic.

thats doesn’t mean that all 17 year olds are unable to be good mums. My 17yo niece has just had a baby and she doesn’t leave her baby with anyone. She’s so happy to be a mum. This 17 year old doesn’t sound like she is

Currently the DD is neglecting her baby, if OP wasn't in the picture SS certainly would be

@Namechangean i don’t think anyone on this thread thinks this poor little boy has been dealt the best cards in life. The care his mother has been giving him is based on what the OP has said definitely not what he needs.

As no one can change the first few months of his life however the question is what would be most likely to give him the best outcome in the end. For children who cannot stay safely within the family, adoption is without doubt the next best thing and most adoptive parents do a fantastic job.

But the research is unequivocal that children taken from their parents do suffer a trauma response and the outcomes for adopted children are statistically much worse than for non adopted children (and this goes back to the days before most children being put up for adoption having been forcibly removed having witnessed terrible things or being born with alcohol or drug addiction)

Therefore IF the OP can give the child a loving home, with the birth mother a part of his life, then this is likely to result in a better outcome than him being removed and placed with strangers whether or not it’s an open or a closed adoption. This is because for his first 3 months, the OP has been a significant caregiver for him so he will have an attachment to her as well as to the birth mum.

If the OP can’t, she can’t. And if the mum can’t or won’t, and the older sister and other relatives also can’t, then the only option is for him to go to strangers. But that should be seen for what it is - a second best option not the best thing for him.

Nowhere have I said that what ops dd is doing is OK. I've said there needs to be intervention work and social services need to be involved. But it's very unfair to compare someone who had 7 weeks notice at that age that they were about to become a parent with other young parents. Most secure and capable adult women would find that incredibly difficult. So I think it's very early on to be saying that her behaviour alone is enough to say she doesn't want to be a parent. She's not coping, she's not adjusting well to her responsibilities and too much is being left to op, but- 7 weeks notice before going through labour and becoming a parent plus a breakup and being left to it as a single parent at that age? With none of the antenatal support you're supposed to get, none of the time to plan or prepare or bond with your baby? Having to drop out of education and worrying about the impact on your relationships and the judgement you get from other people? I think we can agree that's a hell of a lot for any young person to take on and puts her at a much higher risk of pnd so I think she deserves a little more sympathy than she's getting on here. She's probably still absolutely reeling from how much her life has changed. She needs support and time to deal with that and THEN she can make an informed decision about whether or not she wants to continue to parent. Op needs proper support and guidance not being told that adoption (which isn't even in ops control as its not her child nor is it her place to convince her dd to give her child away) is the best kindness.

Except it seems you were aware that you had a baby that needed to be cared for and as a result your life would change. I'm sure it was an agreed decision for your parents to babysit at weekends and you wouldn't just leave your baby in the house and go out without telling them?

OPs DD is essentially abandoning her baby without any warning, staying out all night, etc.

Its not about OP being supportive- which she is as she is caring for the baby. Its about a 17yr old mum who doesn't act like she wants to be a parent.

The softly softly approach clearly isn't working.

You need to be blunt with her.

The baby is HER responsibility and she can NOT leave her with you. Tell her you will babysit ONCE a week but she needs to be back by 11pm. Make it very clear that if she does not take her parenting responsibility seriously you will get social services involved.

If she was old enough to choose unprotected sex then she needs to face up to her responsibility.

Her old life is gone.

This baby didn't materialize out of the blue. The daughter AND the OP made a series of choices (who lets a teen / minor stay out all night unchallenged? No wonder she was pregnant at 16) that has resulted in a very vulnerable new human being that no one wants to be bothered with. It's really a shame. The baby must already be so confused.

The unselfish thing would be to let the child go to an enthusiastically welcoming home.

I think you need to consider issues like post natal depression which could affect how she is bonding with her baby, and / or low self esteem which may mean she believes you are the better “parent”. I would focus on her understanding how much he needs her, how comfortable he is with her, how she is the number one person in his life rather than practicalities of hours of babysitting you will offer. Obviously deal with those practicalities but there are bigger issues here that she needs support with.

I can’t believe how quick posters are to suggest adoption rather than support for a young mum who is struggling, as many do, in these early stages.

But what if she is not "struggling"?
She may well have decided that she just does not want to raise this baby and if thats the case OP will have to (probably in the hope that her DD will step up at some point) or someone else will have to and that could well mean adoption
The Mother should be offered support etc if she wants it but if she would rather not then other arrangements need to be made

Of course she could be supported with that decision but that would require therapy and time to ensure it’s a real choice rather than something she feels is her only option. Given the circumstances and how little time she had to prepare she is at such high risk of post-natal depression and adoption isn’t a quick fix for this situation, for the young mum or her baby.

Would we say the same, about letting the baby go to an enthusiastically welcoming home, with a mum in her 20s or 30s suffering from PND, for example?

This^

"If she was old enough to choose unprotected sex then she needs to face up to her responsibility."

I actually cannot get over how misogynistic, judgemental, ageist and disgusting so many of the posts on this thread are. We have no idea what the circumstances around the conception of this child were nor is that anyone's business on here. Jesus wept.

The child's needs trump the bio mother's.

This situation is the result of a long series of immaturity, self-interest, lack of self-discipline, lack of effective parenting of the teen, avoidance of reality and inconsideration for others. It's not a one-off wobble. It's a familial pattern.

I can’t see how you have come to that conclusion from what has been shared.

The child’s needs won’t be best met by a knee jerk decision to place him for adoption. It’s in everyone’s interests to support this mum.

It's interesting how many responses don't mention the actual poster OP, the Dgran in this situation.

Maybe I'm overly sensitive to this point, being older myself, but her needs have to figure somewhere in this equation, being as she is the one who posted and is the one with the life being changed and the one likely to pick up the brunt of ongoing childcare.