DD leaving her baby with me

[CustardCreamsfortea]

My DD is 17 and had her baby (dgs) just before Christmas. Unplanned pregnancy and her then boyfriend (dgs's dad) wanted nothing to do with them both. She only found out that she was pregnant 7 weeks before dgs was born.

The first few weeks was fine and with support from myself and her older sister, she was looking after him with no issues. The last month or so I think the novelty has worn off for her. She frequently goes out with her mates and leaves dgs with me without asking if it's ok. I've told her I don't mind babysitting if it's prearranged and I don't already have plans but several times now I've had plans and she's gone out without asking if I'll look after him. I've then either had to cancel my plans or take him with me. I try calling her to come home and she won't answer her phone or texts

I've tried sitting down and talking to her but it goes in one ear and out of the other. She says she'll stay at home more then doesn't. Last night she went about 3pm and didn't come back until early this morning. Didn't answer her phone in that time. So I was left looking after dgs all night.

How do I get her to step up and start looking after her son?

I don't think OP's ever been back beyond the first few minutes ... ?

Absolutely, I had a baby at 17. I moved in to my own flat and looked after her full time. I went back to college/work (apprenticeship) when she was 4 months old and she went to nursery. My parents had her on occasion but no more than any other grandparents and always had to be prearranged. I don't think being 17 is any excuse for taking no responsibility.

Exactly! My friend {Grammar school girl} who got pregnant at 16 had no one to help her- she was out on her ear.

Tamara Beckwith had Anoushka at 16, passed her along to her parents and carried on being a party / IT girl. I know, I was at school with her (well, A level crammer in Kensington)

Realistically she either needs to dramatically change. You or another family member need to accept primary responsibility for the baby for the foreseeable or she needs to place him into care/for adoption. This is neglect and your primary consideration needs to be the baby, hard though it is when mum is your baby.

I had mine at 17 and 18 so I don’t think age is an excuse.

I'd be thinking about:

• Is the house welcoming if she invites friends over? Friendships change and some of her friends may be less interested in her now she has a baby, but the good ones may well be up for coming over for coffee / pizza / a film at your house etc which are all compatible with a small baby. She could host the pre-clubbing bit of the evening (if friends drink in moderation) and stay home when the others go out (may not work if she really wants to do the clubbing bit) Also, babies of this size are generally portable - there are places she could go out to with friends and the baby.
• GP and/or health visitor (post partum depression / any physical problems from birth that haven't healed, local support groups) *NCT / other local equivalents - where she can meet other people with a baby at the same stage as hers. Yes, they're likely to all be older and in different circumstances but they're useful contacts for the specifics of two month old babies (that parents of older children will have forgotten) *Sleep - yours / hers / the baby's - everybody will have a nicer time if you're all getting a reasonable amount of sleep. Although young, she may well cope better with sleep deprivation than you will. But maybe you could offer her a night off each week to sleep? Or explain why you're better doing daytimes and can't do overnights? *Knowledge - does she know that small babies are often thought to be boring until they get to be a bit bigger and more interesting - you do lots of feeding/nappy changing / soothing to sleep for little 'reward' to start with? Has she seen / read parents talking about hating maternity leave and not connecting well with their children till they're older? Does she feel confident in her ability to parent? It will be harder for her to parent with you there in some ways (and equally harder if she wasn't living with you in other ways). Who does she want in her village? Are the baby's other grandparents aware/involved/helpful?

Could be worth contacting social services or similar, our local area has a mother and baby home for young single mothers. I know someone whose daughter went in one for a bit before getting her own place and it was quite good as they have curfews and no visitors after a certain time etc. helped them learn responsibility and how to manage a house etc.

Literally, contact social services and report her for child abandonment and neglect. She's never reachable when out and that's dangerous should her child fall ill. You could also kick her out, make her work full-time and apply to UC for childcare payments (They pay upto 80%).

You need to do something drastic to give her a wake-up call. Has she never heard of a condom, OP? Is she one of these girls who thinks that the pill/injections/pull-out/not ovulating is a fail-safe method? To be honest, she wasn't mature enough to use 99% precaution by using a condom, then she's still too irresponsible to be a parent.

Kick her our, file for custody, take the UC payments. Sometimes as parents we need to be cruel to be kind.

I actually thought along those lines to. at least OP should suggest adoption if that may kick the mother into looking after her son

This is desperately hard for you. I had two friends who had babies at 17. One took it on board fully, stepped up and has made a great success of her life. She went on to have more children, have a happy marriage and combine it with a career. The other just couldn't cope. Her Mum offered support but wasn't mentally well herself and in the end the baby (toddler by then) was taken into care and eventually adopted. That friend has never had another child, because she realised it just wasn't something she wanted. I think hard as it is you need to have a conversation with your daughter about whether she really wants the baby. There is no shame if she doesn't. There are so many couples desperate for children who could give it a wonderful life. I do hope it all works out for you all.

My DD was PG at 17. It was in a serious DV situation, so we had SW and was very difficult. She is now 21 and DGS is 3. She's doing grear, in uni. It was a long road though and its been up and down. I do help her out quite a lot but she is just really stepping up now. I see it as a team effort and I am so blessed to have him in my life. I have him overnight usually 1 night a week but sometimes 2 and I've had him a few days sometimes so she could go away.
You need to remember your daughter is really still very young and probably has some form of PND. What a shock to find out so near the birth and motherhood is hard!
You need to think long term. My DD has had troubling times where I worried she wasnt coping, or was taking the P asking tooo much of me. I have her 13 year oild brother too with SEN needs, and I can struggle. But seeing ber grow as a mum and my DGS developing is a real joy.
Things that helped my DD were:
A family nurse- if you can get one these are amazing. She saw my DD weekly and taughter her so much about mothering- she didnt always want to hear my thoughts- and I didnt want to make our rocky relationship worse- our family nurse was always an advocate and a neutral person- they support YP tull their baby is two.
Managing to get her own place- I did have to say I was making her homeless but she got her own place 10 mins drive away and it saved our relationship. I went over most days as she didnt drive, so I took my DGS to his childminder, then picked him up and dropped him home.
Applying for Uni and learning to drive- also big things and me and her Dad (we're long diverorced) bought her a car- she still can get really down- do silly things. She hasnt been the best with her car- speeding tickets etc, but its all a learning curve- they are still growing up!
I think its helped my daughter to have regular overnight care so she can go out- they need to be able to party, and also go on holiday a few times.
Praise your daughters mothering and bond if you can and cut her some slack. For her and you DGS long term mental health and happiness, they need you to be calm, stable and supportive. Sounds like she's been doing amazong. Get professional help if you can, and try to enjoy being a young ish Nana!

Good luck!

Call social services, that poor boy is being abandoned by his mum. They won’t judge but will give her a wake up call, plus lots of support on how to balance her life as a mother and a teenager

I think people are being harsh to the daughter here. Most people plan babies, decide if they want to have then even if they are unplanned. Have 9 months to come to terms with it. She didn't have any choice, with less than 2 months to prepare. While her ex got to swan off into the sunset.

Very well established women in their 40s that have chosen to go it alone struggle with single motherhood. Even with my partner being very involved there was times I was on my knees.

OP is willing to be a babysitter, but this baby is missing a parent, her very young daughter is missing a partner in this and perhaps had she known earlier wouldn't have gone through with the pregnancy.

Simply she may not be ready for the responsibility of single motherhood. OP can read her the riot act all she wants, but you're asking her to be a lone parent at 17 alongside study and trying to build her own life. Everything is stacked against her. OP may have to choose to step up more to make sure this baby is cared for and daughter supported, or accept that the baby may need to go to someone else who is in a position to take care of it.

Don't be enabler of this situation unless you are happy with the arrangement. Pick your moment to have a frank discussion about her responsibilities , and if necessary her options. This child is your grandchild so it's not simply threatening her with having the baby into care by social services , if your daughter continues to neglect him. She won't see it as neglect while you are tacitly agreeing to look after her baby so be open and honest about the limited times you wiling to childmind and how much notice you want.

How much support are you going to give and for how long and are you going to let them live with you indefinitely? . What are your daughter's prospects of supporting herself and her child? Can she work or is she in education? Has she got advice about any benefits and housing. What does the child support agency say about the father's responsibilities as even if he isn't earning now he will be in the future.. Find a teen parent support group in your area and take your daughter and child along. Encourage her to meet other young parents, rather than trying to socialise with her child free friends all the time.

She's 17, not stupid! She's going to know that her mother can't put her baby up for adoption. You can't just put someone else else's baby even if it's your grandchild, up for adoption😵‍💫🙄

I know someone whose daughter went in one for a bit before getting her own place and it was quite good as they have curfews and no visitors after a certain time etc. helped them learn responsibility and how to manage a house etc.

Be prepared to be met with horror, @Debtdolly; last time such a thing was mentioned it was considered akin to "putting them in a workhouse", rather than a place where they just might learn to be an adult

From the experiences of friends, the problem with encouraging a reluctant teen to behave as a parent can be that years go by while the real adults kid themselves she's "making progress", and all the time a bewildered child - who's needs should actually matter most - grows older with no understanding of what the hell's going on

And in such circumstances adoption and a fresh start really needn't be the worst option

Tell her if she wants a life like this she needs to put the child up for adoption, this is not your child and there is no reason why you should have to look after him full time.
Either now or later your daughter will resent him, and very likely you will resent him as well, even if you love him-he deserves better, everyone does.
Clearly the pregnancy was a mistake and your daughter was in denial about being pregnant for months, she doesn't want him, and you both need to face up to that as soon as possible.
Do what is best for the child-a family that loves him is what he needs, and adoption is his best chance of getting that, there is no guarantee she will step up, even if she does it will probably be temporary.
You shouldn't delay the older dgs gets the less likely he is to be adopted.

Presumably unemployed, uneducated, idle... or on the equivalent of maternity leave???? Or should younger/unemployed mothers not be entitled to the same chance to recover from pregnancy and labour that older or employed mothers get?

disinterested, avoidant, irresponsible - all things that could be caused by pnd and could be applied to any woman really struggling.

a partyer, and disprespectful of her mother - a teenager still trying to navigate a really difficult stage of life with newfound independence and doing the things her friends would be doing.

It's horrible to suggest that because she's 17 that she's less deserving of support than a 35 yo ceo.

Obviously yes its a less than ideal start, but op has come on here too get genuine advice and guidance not a nasty pile on and her dd ripped to shreds.

If she is going out all the time, where is she getting the money from? 8

Agree with the social worker who posted- good to get them involved sooner rather than later.

Oh dear I really feel for you and your daughter.
i don’t see how she didn’t know she was pregnant? Maybe she did and completely mentally blocked it out ?
She needs support from you , but as a granny not a substitute mum.
Contact Social Services and children’s services to be signposted to all the help that could be available .
I would see if you can get the fathers family involved too .
And agree with. PP that if it’s possible you can temporarily remove yourself for a few days ( short holiday because it sounds like you need one ! Or stay with a friend in another city / town )

It's so easy to blame the teen mother.

Would you consider it possible that a boyfriend who was happy to have sex but abandoned the resulting baby and the baby's mother was also the kind of teenage boy who pressed the DD to have sex without a condom?

Recent news reports have focused on the amount of porn young boys are consuming from a very formative age, and the effects of that on their sense of entitlement to sex and their expectations of how it will be conducted (i.e. on their terms) and with no regard at all to concerns about pregnancy.

I so agree with that and it's not difficult to imagine that because OP has shown willing to care for DGS on several occasions, DD now sees this as something to be exploited as and when she wants to forget/ignore she's a Mum, and just wants to be what she actually is, a 17 year old teenager! 🙄
Both of them need to give serious thought to what they really want going forward and most of all, they need to talk about it!
The baby deserves more than to be brought up by two resentful women or eventually there will be three unhappy people in that house! 😪

Why would you expect OP to have ‘plans’ regarding the birth of her daughter’s child? She isn’t the other parent. Her daughter is taking massive advantage and the status quo isn’t helping her or her DD; it may be helping her DGS but it isn’t OP’s responsibility and she has a right to a life of her own at this stage in her life. Some serious straight talking and consequences need to be laid out now.