DD leaving her baby with me

[CustardCreamsfortea]

My DD is 17 and had her baby (dgs) just before Christmas. Unplanned pregnancy and her then boyfriend (dgs's dad) wanted nothing to do with them both. She only found out that she was pregnant 7 weeks before dgs was born.

The first few weeks was fine and with support from myself and her older sister, she was looking after him with no issues. The last month or so I think the novelty has worn off for her. She frequently goes out with her mates and leaves dgs with me without asking if it's ok. I've told her I don't mind babysitting if it's prearranged and I don't already have plans but several times now I've had plans and she's gone out without asking if I'll look after him. I've then either had to cancel my plans or take him with me. I try calling her to come home and she won't answer her phone or texts

I've tried sitting down and talking to her but it goes in one ear and out of the other. She says she'll stay at home more then doesn't. Last night she went about 3pm and didn't come back until early this morning. Didn't answer her phone in that time. So I was left looking after dgs all night.

How do I get her to step up and start looking after her son?

It is a difficult situation and I’m sure I would adore a grandchild if my adult DCs have them.

However now mine are grown up I really wouldn’t want to go back to caring for a baby at my age and the OP prob feels the same.

OP hasn’t said what her daughter actually wants, or that she’s even asked her what she wants.

What support should be offered is dependent on that.

Of course - in the absence of her asking about adoption it seems a big leap though and again not one we would make if this mum wasn’t 17.

As someone who was that child I can assure you that there were no consequences that my parents could inflict on me (short of physically tying me up) that would have prevented me from doing exactly what I wanted to do, when I wanted to.

My parents were in no way responsible for my appalling behaviour and their parenting was exemplary.

But she IS 17! That is the situation at hand; not the plight of a 35-year-old CEO with PND.

That is one of the facts in this scenario. Seventeen, presumably unemployed, uneducated, idle, disinterested, avoidant, irresponsible, a partyer, and disprespectful of her mother. Not a good start in life for the child and ominous signs of what his life is going to be like going forward.

I don’t think it’s a ‘big leap’ at all - she found out she was pregnant seven weeks before she gave birth, which meant she had no choice as to whether to continue the pregnancy or not. I wouldn’t dismiss adoption as an option for anyone under those circumstances, especially when they’re demonstrating behavior that would suggest disinterest in the child and being a parent.

Not dismissing it, just think maternal mental health also needs consideration and the mum needs actual choice rather than being told she’s failing and should lose her baby as a consequence which is the tone from some posters.

But it is being dismissed by many in this thread, as if it’s so unconscionable that it shouldn’t even be mentioned.

‘just think maternal mental health also needs consideration and the mum needs actual choice rather than being told she’s failing and should lose her baby as a consequence which is the tone from some posters.’

And nor should she be told that ‘adoption isn’t an option’. Her mental health may very well be suffering because she feels forced into raising a child she doesn’t want, rather than it being a case of poor mental health preventing her from caring for a child that she would otherwise want.

OP would be wise to find out what her daughter wants and go from there.

Ah a thoughtless and I'll informed post if ever I saw one. Not good .

The mum of the baby has said she wants to go back to college and use the on-site nursery. Weird to then ask if she’d like to have her baby adopted I would say.

So what if she is 17? I was a mum younger than her and never would of acted like this, there are loads of 17 year old and younger mums that do not act like this. Its honestly getting insulting seeing people on here use it as an excuse.

Point is though if she doesn't want the child and the grandmother doesn't want to raise it then it's best to consider adoption asap because it's easier for a baby to be adopted than an older child. And being adopted is a lot better than being fostered.

Not at all weird. Does she feel like she has a choice about keeping the baby, if her mother is the one anti adoption? We don’t know.

It's possible that it's not about maturity, but about OP's DD not wanting to be a mother. She was essentially forced into it as it was too late to get an abortion when she found out.

You can't mature your way into wanting to be a mother to a child you didn't really choose to have. Look at the father who is having nothing to do with the baby because he didn't want to be a father, I doubt he will mature into wanting it and appear in baby's life in a year or two.

My first thought was to tell her you’re putting him up for adoption, but I doubt you would really want to ,
she needs a wake up call !

I am jumping back on to say I am absolutely appalled at how fast people are to suggest adoption!

Adoption is always a tragedy. Yes, in some cases it might be the best out of a bad set of options, and the only way to give a child a decent life, but it is still a tragedy. I say that as an adoptee myself, and in full knowledge of what being separated from your biological family does to you, and all the attachment issues it creates over an entire lifetime.

The mother needs support, she may need a more phased entry into motherhood.

Adoption is a last resort. Yes, it's hard on the OP, and my heart goes out to her, as it does to her daughter who is barely an adult and had only 7 weeks to come to terms with having a baby.

I was a teen mom as 17 and my mother never looked after my son. It felt harsh at the time but I am honestly grateful. I grew up and worked hard to give him what he needed. She was supportive financially and with motherly advice but she would never babysit.
My sons gf also had a baby as a teen and I did help out for the first year but that was because I was on maternity leave and had a baby too so it was manageable. They were then able to finish school/college. Once they were able to sort childcare then I just had her occasionally.

I do think you need to give an ultimatum if this isn't what you want. You need to state what you are willing to do and what you aren't. If she suddenly leaves baby with you tell her you will have no choice but to call social services. Because reality is if you weren't there what would she do? She cannot just assume you are willing to step in.

Oh come on. How do you proprose she does that as a single 17 year old solo mum??

actual adults with jobs are finding getting accommodation virtually impossible.

If there's some mother and baby type units, she's going to need some help finding them

I understand lots of people coming on here talking about being mums at 17 - that's fine - of course SOME young women are capable and up for it and able etc - they have the natural character and competence to be a mum at that age and put the baby first

I think this does NOT mean that the other side is also natural - that SOME 17 year olds are simply not ready!

I can't agree with the argumen t- 'some people do it fine - therefore this girl is a lazy selfish mare' - it's obvious people mature at different rates/ are brought up differently/ have different characters.

It's within the bounds of totally normal for a particulary 17 year old to be incompetent in this situation and need a huge amount of support - particularly when the pregnancy was such a shock.

This sounds hard on everyone. Hopefully it’s just a phase.
please check she is using contraception now especially if she’s going out a lot

Get social services involved to help get her set up and ready to be a mum

I had my DD when i had just turned 18 and from the moment she was born my parents made it clear she was my responsibility, i moved out 8 months later im now 35 with a 17 year old and so glad that they gave me that tough love because i look back so proud at the great young mum that made me be as hard as it was i had no choice but to do my best and be my best. So yes tough love is your answer 💛

I have not read all the posts

My question would be, what is the father of the baby & his family doing to help financially, emotionally, physically ?

The father has walked away, why is he not being made to be responsible?

It's obvious if you offered to look after the baby that at 17 she'd be off with a wave and looking for a good time.

The only young women I knew who had a baby so young had no family to rely on, and found it a very long, hard slog, very lonely as well.

You can't ''make'' her look after her baby- if she's unwilling to be a responsible parent, then you will have to step up and take on the role as you don't want him to be adopted {adoptive parents are usually very dedicated}.

I would talk to her and tell her that she is obviously in shock and still so young, but if she doesn't bond with her son now, that when she is older, and more ready to be a mum, she will regret it.

Poor girl might be suffering mentally.

I understand how you must be so upset.

It's not up to the father though, is it...Boys and men get zero choice if a woman wants to keep a baby or terminate, it's always under the woman's control- and the father, if a teenager, he probably won't be earning anything as still in education.

His parents legally won't be held responsible for babysitting or costs, either.

Mothers of sons definitely need to warn their sons to ALWAYS use condoms to stop this kind of situation.