Gentle Parenting has failed, lets accept this.

[Zod666]

I read everyday about children's behaviour, even primary school age where they are out of control, don't fear or respect adults and this is all down to that loverly middle class BS known as 'Gentle Parenting'.

Let's just call this out for what it is, because it does not work. I have a friend who's 8 year old son does what he likes, is disrespectful, hits his mum and no amount of 'punishment' such as removal of electronic devices etc makes a blind bit of difference, he just does not care.

So how do we discipline children like this? is it really bad to give them a measured smack on the back of the legs/bum? Obviously there is a difference between a smack to correct a child and beating the hell out of them which is child abuse and should be prosecuted, and in England smacking is still legal.......

In years gone by their have always been kids that will go too far, and by this I mean the James Bulger killers who I think no amount of discipline would have changed their outcome in life, but for the majority of kids I feel we are failing them with this soft approach where there think they can do anything without repercussions.

AIBU?

I love and respect my kids.

I don't feel violence has any place in a relationship where there is love and respect.

I hope, when they are grown women, they know that violence is not love and do not accept it as part of a relationship.

I find interesting the people who say their child hasn’t been damaged by the occasional ‘tap’.

They weren’t ‘tapped’ were they? Instead they were hit hard enough to cause pain. Otherwise, what’s the point. A ‘tap’ is a gentle touch to get someone’s attention. That is not what ‘tapping’ parents have done (or if it is, one gentle tap and no other punishment when the child does something wrong is the definition of permissive parenting).

Maybe consider why, if hitting children is OK, it is necessary to use minimising language when remembering doing so?

Just a thought…….

Totally agree. Being a caring and kind parent does not mean not having rules and boundaries. I would say its not gentle parenting that is a problem - but laziness. People are too lazy to invest time in their kids, and are incapable of showing them how to behave by example.
Bringing up a child is hard work, and it takes a lot of time, commitment and energy. There are no shortcuts - "gentle parenting" (or as someone see it - not paying your kid any attention) or prison-like obedience are not going to work.

Gentle parenting and snacking are not the only options

I saw a mother at a ballet class for her 3 yo daughter. Her 2 yo done was so badly behaved that has disrupting everything. He was hitting, pushing, knocking things over, and all Mum was saying was "oh please don't do that! Kind hands! Kind hands!"
Ridiculous. He heeded a firm no.
I know someone who used to do gentle parenting. All this Oh please - please put your coat on- please don't bite mummy etc ad infinitum...
That child is now 14, hits her parents and tells them to fuck off.
I never smacked mine. Single mother with boys. But I was firm. I was authority. They behaved.

Also "gentle parenting" is not the same as "permissive parenting".

Gentle parenting includes the word "no" and consequences. It sets standards that children are expected to aim for. It's just that those standards are more childcentric eg if a child isn't very academic then maybe helping them aim for a pass in the core subjects is a better option than chastising them for failing to be get 9 grade As?

There is a large expanse of middle ground between gentle parenting (which I agree is shit), and hitting children (also shit - smacking kids is assault in my book). Parents need to parent. Firm, fair, boundaries, telling kids no on occasion!, etc.

Yes I agree and no smacking needed. My parenting was very much in the, I’m speaking you’ll have to wait”, and if they said they were bored I’d tell them I spent most of my childhood bored (no tech other than a record player in those days), so go find something to do if you don’t want to be bored. I was a very loving mum but I wasn’t a sap. I get a lot of lovely compliments from friends at how I brought them up so well but it was all winging it really and having a strong sense that I didn’t want it to be a smacking/yelling household.

What's your point? That a slap is an assault? Or that it isn't? Or that not enough schools take violence seriously so we shouldn't care about violence from parents? Or what?

Exactly! You're a parent, ffs. Not their mate. Be firm, be an authority.

But if you can only be an authority if you smack your child - I have bad news for you.

Are people confusing gentle parenting with shit parenting? I don’t raise my voice to my child, punish them, or hit them. But I do make sure they understand the consequences of their actions and treat other people with kindness and respect. We always tell them that their feelings are inportant, and other people’s feelings are important too. No one’s take precedence.

IME the children who are taught to ignore or hide or silence their emotions grow up to be absolute dickheads as adults.

Equally authoritative parenting isn’t ’chastising kids for not getting 9 As’.

Gentle parents go on and on about how their methods are misrepresented yet make out the only alternative is beating children or acting like a dictator.

I agree.

Ahh, the people of mumsnet favourite past time - blaming gentle parenting when the parents are not gentle parenting.

Totally agree with Ye gods and little fishes
mine were born mid eighties never smacked, but taught how to bahave and that the world did not revolve around them. They do not rule the adults.
No need to resort to hitting. All that does is show that violence is acceptable.
Gentle parenting has gone too far

There isn't a one size fits all method of parenting. Gentle parenting may work for some and not others. You can't possibly know if it has failed for all children.

Thing is - not every child will respond to your talking and explaining

Sone children do need punishment because they are quite happy to listen to the stuff and ignore it

It's child dependent

And it's why sone kids run rings around the adults - because they don't give two hoots that someone else is upset or hurt by it

Depends on the child and what the "gentle parenting" extends to. My daughter is autistic and responds better to how I deal with her. She's responsible, goes to school every day and is about to do her GCSEs and I have no complaints about her behaviour. To make a sweeping generalisation is not helpful.

Who says gentle parenting doesn't work
All the ones running riot , probably had no parenting at all ,and no boundaries
I was smacked a lot as a child ,and it contributed to me having no contact with either of my parents.
I parented gently, respectfully,and with boundaries..my adult children are all in good jobs ,never been in any trouble and doing well .
So you can't generalize saying gentle parenting doesn't work

We have a nine year old and a three year old, both have additional needs, we use gentle parenting with both. We have never assaulted them or had the urge to assault them.

As it happens I have twins, both very strong characters, neither of them naturally compliant. I’m not smug and there wasn’t anything easy about it.

It’s frustrating to be told I’m “lucky” to have well behaved kids, as if they were magically born that way and it wasn’t the result of years of hard work and effort on our part.

Clearly you think the only way to turn out well behaved kids is to hit them, it’s not true.

I'm a teacher and all the teacher's I know agree that there has been a marked change in children's behaviour however I don't think it is down to it no longer being deemed acceptable to smack or hit children. I think that what we are seeing a lot from children now is disrespect and entitlement and I think a lot of it comes from parenting but I don't think that it's a coincidence that it has coincided with advances in technology, particularly smartphones and computer games and the loss of a play-based childhood which many of us grew up with. I don't believe in putting children down however I am also seeing teachers terrified of writing school reports that will piss off parents if they highlight any problems (I've also seen headteachers sending reports back to teachers to be rewritten because they've been worried about complaints from parents if the reports specify any problems or issues). I think that we have also taken taking on children's views and opinions to an extreme, putting them on a different level to where they have ever been in the past. I think children should have a voice but in the context of understanding that they are children and don't have the knowledge, experience or development to fully grasp the intricacies of some things. What I am seeing now is many children believing that they know more than everyone, including adults and so they are indignant when an adult dares to attempt to pull them up on anything.

I think people confuse gentle parenting with lazy parenting. They're not the same thing. Gentle parenting it is actually quite hard work as you're still parenting, you're just doing it in a way that you're not reacting from your own frustrated emotions. You still need to set clear and consistent boundaries. You still need to help children understand the consequence and impact of their actions.

I personally don't follow any parenting technique but I have worked hard at being a more thoughtful and more gentle parent and our house is a much calmer, happier house as a result.

Parents that let their children run wild and can't be bothered are not gentle parenting, they just aren't parenting.

There is never any need to resort to violence against your own children. Nothing about it helps the child, it's just a sign of the adult losing control.

I hadn't heard of it until I read about it on here.

It explains why so many kids are running around screaming in supermarkets.

I would totally tell them that!
Do you not think it is assault?

I don't think you understand what gentle parenting actually is, it isn't about being overly permissive. Inform yourself first.
Do you have DC OP? It sounds like you don't and that you are just part of an older generation that judges what others are doing without having experienced it firstly yourself.
Physical violence, even if minor, should NEVER be encouraged, even less so when the victim is a small, armless child, no matter how annoying they are. You are essentially teaching your kids that it's ok to use a bit of violence to sort out a situation, which is a behaviour they might pick up and use with others themselves.

FWIW, I know two families who use the sort of approach you are advocating for and their kids are awful and disrespectful. I am not surprised tbh.

Also, children shouldn't "fear" adults, ffs!