Gentle Parenting has failed, lets accept this.

[Zod666]

I read everyday about children's behaviour, even primary school age where they are out of control, don't fear or respect adults and this is all down to that loverly middle class BS known as 'Gentle Parenting'.

Let's just call this out for what it is, because it does not work. I have a friend who's 8 year old son does what he likes, is disrespectful, hits his mum and no amount of 'punishment' such as removal of electronic devices etc makes a blind bit of difference, he just does not care.

So how do we discipline children like this? is it really bad to give them a measured smack on the back of the legs/bum? Obviously there is a difference between a smack to correct a child and beating the hell out of them which is child abuse and should be prosecuted, and in England smacking is still legal.......

In years gone by their have always been kids that will go too far, and by this I mean the James Bulger killers who I think no amount of discipline would have changed their outcome in life, but for the majority of kids I feel we are failing them with this soft approach where there think they can do anything without repercussions.

AIBU?

I think a lot of people say that they are gentle parenting when in reality they are permissive parenting. So I think the term gentle parenting is kind of a moot point now as it has turned into "I never say no to my kid" parenting. It does not make for a well rounded or nice child.
I have a great relationship with my DD, but she knows what the boundaries are. She has toys removed from her, then if she acts up again those go in the bin. That has only happened once. My dh took many a wooden spoon as a child and he is a very respectful man, well rounded, polite, great relationship with his mum. As a child him and his brothers would have run amuck so his mum ruled with an iron fist. So, although personally neither of us could ever physically hurt her, I do see the benefits of it in some ways. The only time I would push her away for instance is if she was hurting her brother, and vice versa.

Have never felt the need to hit mine. Have well behaved dc. I don’t think they ever had a detention even. Would never teach a dc it’s ok to hit people. If the dc isn’t compliant, there’s a reason. Find out why and address it. Hitting just leads to confusion and resentment. It’s lazy and abusive parenting.

So you'd think it was absolutely fine and understandable if you saw a woman hitting her child around the head. Cool. And people say "it didn't do me any harm!" Except for being absolutely fine with watching someone hit a child - id say that it probably was quite harmful because it's completely skewed your boundaries.

Then we'll leave it there.

I just wanted to share my thoughts process, as others have said here, lots of our parents/grandparents generations implemented some form of smacking, wooden spoons etc...

I didn't feel that my grandfather didn't love me and didn't ultimately want what was best for me.

Perhaps you are right my boundaries are so squewed that I can't think clearly about this

It’s a really misplaced but common belief that hitting your kids is legal. It’s not legal to ‘smack’ children. It’s assault. There is a defence under one piece of legislation of ‘reasonable punishment’. This means that if you hit a child and get arrested for it, CPS or a Court will decide whether they agree with your defence or not. It’s not the same as smacking being legal. There are also other offences that smacking can fall under for which there are no defences.

If you have to hit your children to get a message across then the person with the issue is you. And you’re a shit, abusive parent.

Exactly

Hahaha 😂😂😂 try this when your child has just put their finger in a plug, or run out on the road or smacked your dog and it bit them - then it may be a little too late for a chat. There is a place for a quick slap on the hand to shock a child so they understand something is dangerous or not acceptable that talking just cannot replace. It should NEVER hurt the child, but enough to shock them out of ever doing that behaviour, and then you can have the conversation and explain why they must not do that again. There’s a place for slapping that keeps children safe and respectful of boundaries. I’m all for the calm conversational approach but I have had to give a sharp slap on the hand more than once and ONLY when absolutely necessary to stop them from doing it again.

OP I am with you, it’s always the kids that can’t share, can’t play on their own, talk over adults when they’re talking, need constant attention and have 0 imagination, that have been subject to this whole ‘gentle parenting’ they don’t understand boundaries as they’ve never had a more than a conversation as a consequence for disrespectful or dangerous behaviour.

Former teacher here, the behaviour from children has been deteriorating every year since 2010 onwards.

Personally, I don’t think the parenting style is the culprit here. I think it’s more to do with screen time. I found the children were more impulsive, less considerate and genuinely a nightmare. They have absolutely no ability to focus or concentrate. Every year the behaviour issues were worse, to the point hardly any learning could happen.

There have always been a variety of parenting skills throughout history, I genuinely think technology and its advancement have had a detrimental effect on children brain development and self control.

squewed

Fuck me that typo! Took me a while...

@HallieM93 or you could childproof your house (not hard), make sure you monitor your child (mine never ran into the road) and watch them around animals. None of this is rocket science, it really isn't. I've never had to hit my children to prevent dangerous situations. Heard the old adage about the relative weights of prevention and cure required?

@Zod666 it's very telling that in your opening sentence you mention children no longer fearing adults.
It's the role of adults to keep children safe, in an ideal world children would never fear adults.

None of these things have happened to my child either, but it’s a very quick trip to the toilet with a crawling baby. As many previous posters have said once they are old enough to understand dangers it’s totally different but it’s totally dependant on the child’s behaviour understanding too. I slapped my toddler on the hand twice in her life, neither gained tears for more than a few seconds but she never did it again. It should be reserved for absolute unacceptable behaviour when they either can’t understand conversation, or the consequences given haven’t been enough to teach them not to cross that boundary again.

Oh my god 😂😂😂 would you call the police if I tapped you on the hand? 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 STOP I can’t with people here

I don't agree with smacking.

Problems with gentle parenting:

• the natural consequences may not be much of a deterrent if the child isn't bothered about them.

• lots of situations don't have a clear natural consequence, especially things around selfish behaviour.

• it relies to much on explanations. Most of the time this is lost on the child.

• it places no value on obedience and respecting parental authority. Parents should not always have to explain every instruction! Children need to learn to do as they are told. Its a preparation for respecting people in authority in situations as an adult, because those people earned that authority because they know better than you. You follow the fireman the safe route out of the building without question. You follow the air stewards instructions in a plane emergency, you don't stop to ask why. You follow your teachers instructions.

Too many parents want to avoid their child ever being upset or angry about boundaries being imposed, especially when they are young, but you do have to be clear and consistent from when children are young

This is so stupid.

You think it's ok to hit your child because you failed to supervise them around plugs, dogs and roads?

And you think the gentle parents are the shit ones!

You hit your child. Twice. That's grim.

Yes this is a true life event my child has been electrocuted, run over and mauled. They are examples of worse case scenarios that can very easily arise when children don’t understand dangers and boundaries because their parents are so obsessed with being ‘gentle’ and usually these kids are the ones that end up getting signed off work with mental health issues because their boss told them what to do and now they are stressed, as they aren’t used to it. ‘I can’t attend the office this week because I’m anxious because my boss was hard on me and it’s a toxic work environment’ vibes, HR complaint, sick note from the doctors

Do you know that some children were (or are) smacked or beaten and it didn't work either, right? Some kids can be beaten into a pulp and not conform. It has always been like that (read old biographies, and you'll see lots of examples). So maybe, just maybe, parents have to use different and more intelligent strategies with some kids. Or address their real issues instead of going for behaviour training.

I have never slapped mine and an a huge advocate of (proper) gentle parenting and neither of mine have ever done anything to get them injured or in danger. I am hoping you are joking bexause surely you aren’t a poster for slapping as working as it clearly isn’t

From what you have said it sounds as though your friend isn’t actually practicing Gentle Parenting.
Gentle parenting is about being consistent. Not reading something in a book and trying it out for a couple of weeks then trying something else when it doesn’t work straight away

I would say she is floundering and trying different things and that just leads to bad behaviour because her little boy can sense she has not a clue what she is doing and he is crying out for some sort of consistency.

This isn’t about gentle parenting not working it’s about your friend not understanding what gentle parenting is and the time, effort and consistency it takes to raise a child using gentle parenting techniques

Mine are now confident adults and extremely hard working. Both Dd and ds hold managerial positions. Both also have their own businesses.

I have 3 children and all needed slightly different parenting .
I had no help at all so yes I probably shouted on rare occasions but I taught through management and natural consequences .
Eg they broke some toy then that’s it , it’s gone or they need to help fix it , save up for another one .
When little I’d put things I didn’t want them to have locked away / up out of reach.
If a mess was made they needed to help clean up which would delay me playing with them ..and so on .
If they got into the sugar or baking ingredients then spilled it then that was gone so no making cakes

Smacking shows the parents have lost control and doesn’t get to the root cause of the behaviour. Take a 3y old having a meltdown in the supermarket because they want a toy. Smacking doesn’t take into account the fact their brains aren’t developed enough to understand why they can’t have something. Smacking also won’t fix that behaviour. You need to understand your child and their development in order to gentle parent. Many people don’t understand that gentle parenting can be strict and high impact and you can (and should) stay in charge. If they fail it may be due to lack of consistency or giving up too soon. Most bad behaviour I see is from poorly disciplined kids, or those who have parents who give in for an easy life.

The issue is that "gentle parenting" isn't the same as no parenting. Discipline does not equal hitting your child. It's been shown to just cause fear and not actually work as a method of discipline in terms of correcting behaviours.

Children need structure and boundaries. Too many parents have gone back to that early eighties letting them do their own thing style of parenting. Kids are acting entitled and spoilt. No one is telling them how to behave or telling them off at all!

Teachers manage discipline without hitting children. And parents can too.

Why are posters that have no idea what gentle parenting is commenting? Gentle parenting is about enforcing consistent boundaries in a calm, respectful way. Children raised in this way understand and respect boundaries, as they are enforced in every day life. They don't have the chaotic unpredicatable boundaries that abusive parenting gives. Do you think your DC maybe went around smacking dogs because they were raised around violence? My DC would never ever smack a dog.