Gentle Parenting has failed, lets accept this.

[Zod666]

I read everyday about children's behaviour, even primary school age where they are out of control, don't fear or respect adults and this is all down to that loverly middle class BS known as 'Gentle Parenting'.

Let's just call this out for what it is, because it does not work. I have a friend who's 8 year old son does what he likes, is disrespectful, hits his mum and no amount of 'punishment' such as removal of electronic devices etc makes a blind bit of difference, he just does not care.

So how do we discipline children like this? is it really bad to give them a measured smack on the back of the legs/bum? Obviously there is a difference between a smack to correct a child and beating the hell out of them which is child abuse and should be prosecuted, and in England smacking is still legal.......

In years gone by their have always been kids that will go too far, and by this I mean the James Bulger killers who I think no amount of discipline would have changed their outcome in life, but for the majority of kids I feel we are failing them with this soft approach where there think they can do anything without repercussions.

AIBU?

That's because a vast majority of people don't actually use Gentle Parenting - they use permissive parenting, which doesn't work.

Natural consequences are 100% effective when used consistently and correctly - this has been studied and verified time and time again.

You do not need to physically assault a child and if you do then you're doing something wrong...and I have 14yo as well as two 3yo so I don't need to wait until they're 5-8, I've never wanted to hit my children and I've never needed to.

Not sure how I got it so right with first baby and so dreadfully wrong with the second one.

This sounds really hard for you - do your parents ever acknowledge what happened in the past?

You are right that parenting often swings 180 degrees and in parent’s later years they may be reliant on their children. You are doing far more than they deserve so make sure you prioritise your own needs.

I’m in a similar position with my parents except they were always loving and gentle. Despite this, some days I do feel frustrated and have to remind myself of how they cared for me when I was the helpless and demanding one and what I owe them as a consequence. My hat goes off to you sincerely as I don’t think I could do it in your position. You are giving back so much more than they have earned.

I don’t agree with smacking and never have. However I do think this gentle parenting is a recipe for disaster and will create a generation of narcissist's who can’t function in their work life or being told no.
I think it also depends on the child. Some boys children are naturally quite boisterous and at times needs a firm no.

Early attachment is crucial for a child's wellbeing.

It seems to form a solid ground that everything else is built on.

Children are massively able to detect weakness in an adult.

Children who have been adopted early are so often ''poorly attached'' and traumatised by loss, but even then they can do well with appropriate {adoptive} parental input.

Knowing what works for one's own child is so important.

DS needed masses of outdoor exercise to keep him happy - literally miles of it, cycling, riding, walking- if he didn't get these, because of appalling weather, he'd be bouncing off the walls.

Sitting in front of a ''game'' didn't wear him out. {He's grown now}

I am very strict and have never smacked any of my 4 children, they are now in their 20s and teenagers and are all doing very well and are rounded people who know right from wrong.

That’s interesting. I did my parenting instinctively, always following my gut. I would sometimes read some parenting advice and realise it wasn’t me and so just trusted myself. It turned out to be a very good choice and I’m proud of how i have brought up two fine adults.(No smacking)

My friend has 4 children, and they are well behaved.{Teens to early twenties}. The parents are both teachers, and the Dad is especially no nonsense!
None of the children would have been smacked.

Gentle parenting isn't never telling your kids no.... that's permissive.

Gentle parenting is firm boundaries and clear expectations - whilst acknowledging hey have thoughts and feelings and not using fear based methods (eg hitting) to get them to comply

Whereas I'm talking about all lazy parents irrespective of their methods.

If that’s the true definition of gentle parenting then that is what I did (without knowing it had a name). I would recommend it in its truest form (so not permissive or lazy parenting) as in my experience it’s a great way to parent.

Yes, I understand that, and that's exactly what I took issue with.

It's not either/or. It's not just laziness. Often gentle/permissive parents (pick your word) will be working incredibly hard at parenting but it's not effective.

Both contribute to current standards of behaviour.

I'm afraid I can't tell you that either!

I'm merely describing what has worked for me and pointing out that it never has and never will involve smacking.

But taking stuff away isn’t gentle parenting

What gentle parenting punishments has she tried

Parenting properly, if done properly doesn’t regard smacking or gentle parenting you teach your children the fundamentals!!
The different between right and wrong
setting strong boundaries
Being firm but fair
you make their choices until they are old enough to make them themselves !
teach them self repect and to be confident !
stop being friends your the parent !
simple things right from the beginning can make all the difference and when you do change the tone in your voice to tell them off they know they are in the wrong ! U don’t need to smack kids kids that need a smack have not been well parented ! Because they have no boundaries !

Well balanced adults can usually work out for themselves how best to respond to their child (and each child will be different). "Parenting techniques" are a bit dodgy because they imply adopting behaviours that are not part of the parent's own personality. Listening intently to your baby and responding attentively to his/her raw emotions (which is all you have to go on) doesn't come naturally to many new parents and tbh that is the message that I think needs getting across rather than "technique".

That doesn't mean to say other people don't, or that children of people posting on this thread won't.

I agree with what you've said in other posts about gentle parenting being useless, but as you don't smack your own children, presumably you agree that it's wrong. So I don't really understand the point of your post here, it's bordering on 'never did me any harm'... 🤔

no it didn't, it only taught if they do X, then Y will happen.

When actually they should have been taught that, they should be doing Z in the first place.

We see it differently. Not saying no to a child because it's easier to give them what they want, is lazy. As I understand gentle parenting, it involves boundaries and maintaining boundaries takes work.

Parenting effectively takes work. Ineffectually wringing your hands while Crispin terrorises people is not gentle parenting; it's ineffectual and lazy.

You need a backbone to parent effectively and you need to be consistent. That's hard work.

@Zod666
it really depends on what you mean by gentle parenting. Hitting your kids is not a good idea in my opinion. You say you were hit and it hasn’t affected you - I will take it at your word. I was and it has affected me. Gentle parenting, for me, is about talking to your children and ensure they are heard and feel like they have a voice but ultimately what you say goes. The reason why kids are out of control isn’t because parents practice gentle parenting but all the stimulation and exposure they receive that previous generations didn’t, in my opinion.

Can you accept that some of that is luck rather than whatever you did? I didn't smack, spent lots of time with them (although I had to work) didn't do anything different. People would say how great my first was, he'd sleep 12 hours a night, not picky about food, never had to move things so he wouldn't break things. The second one barely slept, was a terrible eater, was a nightmare if he could get hold of anything he'd break it, spent hours in A&E having him patched up after he'd jumped off something or smashed something and cut himself. He's fine as an adult but my God the early years were hard.

Good parenting is obviously a help but the child's personality also comes into it.

I think you've answered your own question OP. If it's down to personality then the parenting approach may not make that much of a difference.

I grew up in a culture where smacking was the norm. I was very well behaved. My brother on the other hand was extremely difficult, and no amount of smacking changed that. Looking back I'm pretty sure he was on the autism/adhd spectrum. He is pretty much no-contact with my parents now, suffers from depression, and self medicates with drugs.

I used to get the cane and in the end it was just a normal part of school. I got the cane a lot of the time for not eating my school dinner if I didn’t like it.
To this day I don’t like liver, mushy peas, meat in general (I still gag at the smell of cottage pie and bacon makes me heave) Christmas pudding is also banned in my house.

It didn’t teach me anything.

If you had to be smacked everyday then obviously smacking didn’t work

I’ve worked as a Nanny for twenty years and obviously never smacked a child. And absolutely managed to control their behaviour and teach them right from wrong in a calm and in control way. I’ve never shouted.

It is easy to have well behaved and well mannered children without using physical punishment or shouting…… if you know what you are doing. Children need to know that you are in charge, that there will be consequences for bad behaviour and lots of praise and reward for good behaviour. Back when I trained as a Nanny we used the phrase “calm authority”.

The problem with “gentle parenting” is that the phrase is totally misunderstood/misused. Many people use this term for people who are actually using the “lazy parenting” technique. Or the never saying no technique, or the not being in charge of your children technique.

There is a wide spectrum of successful parenting techniques between being a shit lazy parent……….and smacking your children and using fear.

The real problem is that there are loads of lazy parents, and loads of people who haven’t been taught how to be good parents from previous generations. The result is wild kids.

You obviously don't have a clue what gentle parenting is.