Gentle Parenting has failed, lets accept this.

[Zod666]

I read everyday about children's behaviour, even primary school age where they are out of control, don't fear or respect adults and this is all down to that loverly middle class BS known as 'Gentle Parenting'.

Let's just call this out for what it is, because it does not work. I have a friend who's 8 year old son does what he likes, is disrespectful, hits his mum and no amount of 'punishment' such as removal of electronic devices etc makes a blind bit of difference, he just does not care.

So how do we discipline children like this? is it really bad to give them a measured smack on the back of the legs/bum? Obviously there is a difference between a smack to correct a child and beating the hell out of them which is child abuse and should be prosecuted, and in England smacking is still legal.......

In years gone by their have always been kids that will go too far, and by this I mean the James Bulger killers who I think no amount of discipline would have changed their outcome in life, but for the majority of kids I feel we are failing them with this soft approach where there think they can do anything without repercussions.

AIBU?

“People have still failed to know what Gentle Parenting actually is, let’s accept this”.

Fixed it for you 😀

Fair point. I probably didn't explain myself very well but it goes both ways. A lot of parents equate gentle parenting with letting a child do what they want and/or lazy parenting.

That isn't the case. Gentle parenting requires boundaries and when necessary consequences but it is more about the child than "traditional parenting methods".

For instance it could be considered gentle parenting to go to a child friendly restaurant where the kids can crayon at the table.

Gentle parenting is not letting your kid run around the restaurant or play their phone on top volume because they want to. That's just lazy parenting (if your child really can't cope without their phone, get them earphones).

Gentle parenting is letting your child choose whether they want to wear proper clothes or their dinosaur outfit and sparkly wellies.

Gentle parenting is not letting your child throw all their clothes out of the window because they don't want to get dressed at all.

If a child has a tantrum, gentle parenting is helping them to claim down somewhere safe and then talking about it afterwards. It is not about giving in to whatever they are tantruming about or trying to justify the tantrum with them.

If consequences are required, gentle parenting is about being consistent and giving the child the chance to correct their behaviour first. It can include explaining why throwing their clothes out of the window won't be tolerated. Gentle parenting isn't about saying "oh sweetie, please don't do that" and wringing your hands while they continue.

You say authoritarian behaviour isn't a dictatorship but equally gentle parenting isn't lazy.

(Plus the OP actually spoke about smoking children so...)

I don't understand how slapping/hitting/smacking someone isn't assault?

If I smack you, that's assault.
If you slap me, that's assault.
If your husband hits you, that's assault.
Your 8 year old slaps another kid in school, that's assault.

But if you slap your toddler, thats ok?

I can't see the logic there. And if your kid is hitting others, how do you explain that hitting isn't ok, when you hit them and that apparently is ok?

I was gentle parented in the 80s/90s.

I'm a successful happy adult, as is my brother. And unlike many of my peers, I actually like and get on well with my parents.

I can't believe smacking isn't illegal in all parts of the UK - I actually only became aware of this recently.

Could not agree more OP. I am a 1:1 to a child who is only 7, they think it's okay to hit, punch, stab other children with pencils, raise their fist at me, threaten to punch me. Has melt downs and flips chairs, throws books across the room.
The only teacher they listen to is the ones who shout. Parents don't shout, they don't have any authority and this child is out of control.

I agree with the posters who have pointed out that it isn’t a choice between either 1. Laissez-faire parenting or 2. Smacking children. Neither are desirable.

Most parents (I hope) instinctively know that corporal punishment is wrong. It’s illegal in Scotland and hopefully England will follow suit soon. Even if people don’t instinctively feel it’s wrong, there are plenty of studies showing the long-term adverse affects on children’s self-esteem.

Parents can instil good behaviour without resorting to physical discipline. My parents never smacked me back in the 80’s when it was very accepted and shame/fear-based parenting was the norm. I’m so grateful to them as not only did it set me a great parenting example but it’s far easier to be gentle with them now they are older and needing assistance. I was also far-bettered behaved than a lot of my classmates who were regularly smacked and was always respectful around authority figures whether or not my parents were present.

Gentle-parenting is not lazy parenting - in fact, it’s the absolute reverse. Smacking is supremely lazy and shows a lack of emotional regulation that parents should have learnt in childhood (but presumably didnt as they were smacked themselves).

YANBU. I'm from England so have legally used smacking as a form of discipline.

Fear and respect are two very different things for starters. I grew up terrified of my violent and abusive father. I certainly had no respect for a grown man who couldn't control his own outbursts but sought to control those around him through fear.

I have never and could never hit my children. And they absolutely do respect me as I respect them.

That also trust me implicitly to care for them and guide them even when they don't 100% agree with me.

This means that when I ask them to do things, they do them. Albeit begrudgingly occasionally.

Attributes such as empathy, moral decency. Respect and calm, collected reasoning instead of lashing out aren't ingrained by fear.

They're human qualities that are nourished not by fear.

But by respect. And no one who chooses to scare a child deserves even a sliver of respect.

I don't respect your attitude. What you going to do?

Really? How would they know exactly, considering the vast majority have no experience of school behaviour between 1965 and 1980?

Sounds a child with significant SEN given that they have a 1:1 and there will be fair more complex issues at play there than questions of boundaries and authority.

I would. It is assault no matter who does it. What is your point here?

I can guarantee some part of your child(ren) will forever resent you for it and whether they tell you it to your face or not, it will have damaged how they think of you.

I was smacked and don’t feel like this at all.

Okay, and what did that teach the recipient?

They are aware of their 'rights' and also know there will be no real consequence at home and if anyone outside the home applies consequences then their parents will be up in arms, how dare anyone punish their dear sprog.
I always recall a situation when I was a teenager, my brother was late home from school
Mum Why are you late home
Brother I had detention
Mum What did you do to get a detention
Brother Nowt!
Mum What should you have been doing?
He eventually confessed to cheeking a teacher.
No question of going to the school to kick off, nowadays it seems that parents waste too much of the teachers' time with phone calls, emails etc. No parent should be able to contact a teacher directly, if it's something that's important then go through the school office.

How to behave correctly.

I think the biggest harm Gentle Parenting has done is to make everyone think shit parenting is a parenting style and it’s not even Gentle Parenting’s fault!

These threads are always the same. OP posts examples of rubbish, permissive parenting that’s the cause of all the ills in the world, calls it Gentle Parenting while clearly not having the first idea what Gentle Parenting actually is.

I have GPd for almost 10 years.

I have never and never will hit my DC.

My DC are incredibly polite, pleasant and well behaved.

They have very strong personalities and in no way could be described as naturally well behaved. If left to their own devices they turn into Tasmanian Devils. In spite of this, they are still well behaved.

We have very clear boundaries that are enforced. I lose my temper (as do they) just like normies.

Gentle Parenting is NOT letting your DC do whatever they like as they’re “trying to communicate an unmet need”. You’re posting on the internet, do some googling to find out what Gentle Parenting actually is.

What a load of nonsense, OP. You would almost think there isn't a middle ground between hitting your kids and letting them run riot. This is of course rubbish. Authoritative parenting, that is to say bringing your children up without violence but with clear boundaries and consequences, is the gold standard and it works. Hitting your child just teaches them that it's fine to hit someone smaller and weaker. What you describe is not gentle or authoritative, it is weak and lazy. And yes, there is too much of it - but hitting children isn't the solution. That too is lazy parenting.

I think the point is that there is often no consequence for the aggressor because some excuse or other is trotted out, s/he has 'issues'.

A nice, didactic (and provocative) thread title you've chosen there, OP, and a whole post full of tired old cliches, churned out ad nauseam for generation after generation, until they've become a joke. I'm sure no one's ever heard the old complaints about the behaviour of subsequent generations, claiming that 'in my day' people were so much better-behaved. Plus sa change. ...

If you were assaulted as a child, have grown up to believe 'it didn't do me any harm' and consequently believe that assaulting your own child won't harm them either, then it has done you harm. It's taught you that assault is the answer to disciplinary problems, is an appropriate response to fixing someone else's behaviour, and is a legitimate means of drawing them into line with your own behavioral expectations. Just try this with another adult and see how far you get.

You're for teaching our own children the same response. By all means do so: there's no law at present to tell you you can't. But as to the strange tone of your post, I doubt you'll find many people will abide by your injuction to 'let's accept' that you are right.

You're not.

I doubt it. I expect it made them scared of your reactions. And broke a lot of trust.

I think in some cases it is not down to gentle parenting, it's down to the fact that some parents can't be arsed!

You never leay on bed after being smacked, feeling hurt and humiliated? Like no one loved you or that you were hated and no good?

You never felt frightened to own up to something you'd done wrong because you knew you'd get smacked?

You never felt anxious or worried if someone near you was angry because anger equates to hitting and so triggers your fright/flight/freeze?

You never hid anything from your parents to avoid a smack?

You've never had to work at managing your emotions, especially anger or frustration, rather than resorting to hitting?

My point is that soft parenting has created violent, angry, anxious kids.

Also a lack of traditional family. That doesn’t mean heterosexual parents and I’m not about to do a JD Vance here, but children lack wider family in general. I know so many kids growing up as the only child of one fairly anxious parent who seem more like a friend. All the kids are socially immature or very volatile/fractious in some way.

The rise of behaviour problems in children has many causes but 'gentle' parenting really is not it.