Why does no one like me?

[Avotoast9]

Name changed for this.
Please be honest, I've got a thick skin.

I don't know where I'm going wrong. I don't have very many close friends at all. I think most people see me as a bit pretentious and possibly too intense. I don't think of my self like that at all. I've always struggled to make friends within my age group. My closest friends have always been older and I've NEVER been part of the in-group or had lots of girl friends. I can't remember ever arguing with anyone or falling out over anything specific. I guess I just fall out of touch with people. Sometimes I wonder if my defenses rub people up the wrong way. One thing I would like people to know about me (but I don't always get a chance to show) is that I am fiercely loyal. I would change my plans in a heartbeat to support a friend if ever they needed me.

So yeah, ask me anything. Why in your opinion am I rubbing people up the wrong way. I don't have a problem making friends initially but they never really go anywhere. Is that normal or should I take a long hard look at myself?

If you got this far, thanks ☺️

Bless you. I’ll leave it at that.

Nah, I know what you’re trying to say.

I am certain I am NT because I have never been diagnosed with ND.
I have never been diagnosed with ND because I do not feel the need to.
Why?
Because, other than life’s inevitable ups and downs, I can cope with my life how it is and how I am. I do not struggle in any areas of my life in a way that I believe needs to be pathologised. I am content.

Are you suggesting that everyone should go and see if they can get themselves diagnosed with ND ‘just in case’? I feel that would be quite the waste of time and resources

But well done in attempting to patronise me, it didn’t work.

Do people not understand that if everyone was diagnosed as ND then that would actually become NT and vice versa?
Think about the difference between the words ‘typical’ and ‘diverse’

Only if a majority were diagnosed with one particular neurodivergent condition.

I agree, diagnosis made a huge difference to me. Also, I have a ADHD CBT counsellor, I go to a support group, and I am able to access things that have a direct impact in how I organise my life. All my life I felt that the key to how to do things that other people seem not to struggle with was just out of my reach. Now I know I could never reach it in the same way that others can, but I can have my own tools and ways of doing the same thing. Totally life changing.

Maybe people are scared of you.

Yes, you actually make a good point. I retract my statement.
However, if only a small percentage of the population was classed as NT, wouldn’t that by definition also be diverse?

The one thing I heard a psychologist say which I think is absolutely true is that people gravitate towards friends who make them feel better about themselves. Think about all of the friendships that crack when one person meets a dream partner and the other is single, or when one friend drinks heavily and the other healthy-living makes them feel bad about it, or friendships that work because all of the guys are cheating on the stag do etc etc etc. The one who isn’t is the one who gets frozen out.

So, your gut instinct is that people find you pretentious and intense. Rather than seeing that as something you can’t change, try to think about what might that mean for them? Do they feel thick or uneducated when you chat? Do they feel challenged and on the spot because you pick holes in their views? See if you can unpick what it is that’s occurring. What were the last conversations like before someone went a bit frosty? Once you’ve worked out what it is that’s making people feel a bit crap, you can then consciously minimise that when you chat to them. When you think about it, we all like it when people make us feel liked and funny and interesting. I suppose the skill is making people feel like that even if they aren’t! You sound nice, OP - I think you have enough self-reflection to be able to change this dynamic.

Wow, thank you all for the responses. I wasn't expecting so many.
I can't reply to everyone but I will address a couple of points that kept cropping up.

Neuro divergence/ autism etc. is definitely not on my radar. I am neuro typical as far as I know and have no symptoms that would lead me to believe otherwise :)

I wasn't offended by the 'its your looks' comment. Actually, it made me smile. I think its no secret that looks inform our first impressions but beyond that I wouldn't have thought looks would be that important. If so, it's a good filter to weed out the shallow people I wouldn't want to be friends with anyway 😉

I went for a run this morning and stopped to chat with a mum I've come to know quite well. Then bumped into two other people and exchanged pleasantries. Maybe its not so bad as my 3am sleep-deprived and slightly hormonal brain was telling me??

I travelled throughout my 20s. As you do, I met people along the way also travelling. Because we were all away from family and friends we tend to skip the chit chat and move on to proper conversation quite quickly. I'm still on contact with many of those people, some I would consider long term friends. I only mention that because as some posters rightly said, friendships take time. Maybe I'm rushing things. I've only been in this area 1 year, and I wasn't exactly sociable after having DD. It's only really been 6 months I've been out meeting people.

I'm still reading all the posts. So may be back soon with another update ☺️

I think if it reached that stage, the umbrella terms 'neurodivergent' and 'neurotypical' would have to be replaced by more specific terms to describe how people function, and people who didn't fall into a specific category would just not use those terms.

There's no exact analogy, but take the wearing of vision-corrective spectacles as a comparison. More than 70% of adults in the UK use corrective glasses or contact lenses, so, if you like, it is 'normal' to have defective vision and people with 20-20 vision (in adulthood) are the exception. So, you don't tend to hear the term 'normal' or 'typical' used in relation to vision. Rather, people will simply say 'I wear glasses/lenses' or 'I don't wear glasses' - or they might be more specific and say 'I am short-sighted/have astigmatism etc.'

If similar levels were reached in relation to ND and NT, then it's possible a similar nomenclature might evolve - 'I have a neurological condition/I am autistic/dyslexic etc' vs. simply 'I don't have a neurological condition.'

I wonder if you are worrying about a problem that isn't there? You say you have close friends, just that they are abroad, and that you have less close friends/acquaintances in your daily life.

I don't think that it is as common for people to have the close groups of girlfriends that you see in books/on films as you may think.

I've never been part of an 'in-group' but never felt friendless or that people disliked me. I think that friendship groups can change over the years as well eg when you have young children, you tend to spend more time with other mums, or work friends can come and go. I have a best friend I've known for 40 years but even our friendship has been less close at times because we were in different life stages.

Perhaps relax a little and don't over think it. I wonder if you are coming over as a little intense? Sometimes keeping going with contact with acquaintances or work colleagues can turn into deeper friendships over the years.

Thanks! I think people find me quite hard to work out, heck sometimes I find myself hard to work out 😉
I am a single mum with a toddler. My social circle is quite small, so every interaction means something to me. The hello from the security guard in the corner shop, the postie, the friendly wave from the other mum on the school run. I give it out too, but perhaps need to remember that other people have full and busy lives and I don't mean as much to them as they mean to me and that's ok. That probably sounds needy, I'm really not. I just value the interactions because we are social creatures and to some extent that's human nature. On reflection, Im probably very quick to jump to the conclusion people don't like me when actually they are just busy or haven't really given it a second thought.

I think I was a bit hormonal when I wrote the OP 😅 I cried for no reason yesterday and now I'm craving sugar...

You are probably right.

This thread is very helpful though. Nobody is perfect and I think it's a good exercise to think about how you make other people and whether you are the kind of friend to others you would like to be.

What would make you think others see you as a bit pretentious?

This is spot on, thank you

I think you've hit the nail on the head.

Quite a long time ago I heard someone talking behind my back saying I was 'up myself'. It stung so I've always been wary that I may come across in that way.

It sounds more to me like you’re just very down on yourself. Why let one person’s opinion affect the way you see yourself? If a few people have said it then there may be something in it. I once heard someone say that I “never shut up” and that stung because I would quite happily listen to someone else talking for hours if it was something they were passionate about

Reading all your posts, you seem very humble and self aware and intelligent. The sort of person I would absolutely be friends with

I do tend to talk quite quickly and passionately. I also have a lot of opinions. 😂

i suppose it kind of depends on what’s all the opinions you have are

You know what - your just not an average person.

From experience I’ve noticed that there are few basic things that the majority gravitate towards - talking about others and talking about themselves.

I quickly learned that it’s not that people don’t like me, I’m just not everyone’s cup of tea. I like deep chats. I like to talk about ideas, I like to visit cultural places. I like stuff that most people would call “deep” but I just find interesting. And guess what, it took a while but my very closest friends are equally as “deep” as me and will go to the same places as me, and enjoy a debate, but are also saw raw and honest, to the point where I know the average person would call it “oversharing” but we are each others safe space.

You just don’t think like the average person - that with maybe some self esteem stuff that we all have, as I’ve noticed people that “make friends with everyone” and social butterfly have almost an inflated ego and a sense that everyone likes them (and they don’t care if others don’t) - I have friends that are social butterflies, but when they are fluttering around, it drains me - but when we have small chats and they finally get to talk about stuff that’s real - we have such a good time.

Im sure you’ve heard this before , but you have to find your crowd. Find people like you. Keep going to social events that receive around your interest and you will find people that think like you too and hopefully value your company.

Something else I’ve learned about friendship is that it’s also things that you do outside the meet ups. Do you help people? Are you there for people? The unspoken stuff is so important to create that bond.

Good luck x

your just not an average person.

no one is an “average person”

Maybe she is? Someone has to be

There’s no such thing as an “average person” and the very fact the poster seems to believe there is…. Rather diminishes their view on their own strengths!

When people talk about others being "up themselves" it's usually about their own insecurities.