Why does no one like me?

[Avotoast9]

Name changed for this.
Please be honest, I've got a thick skin.

I don't know where I'm going wrong. I don't have very many close friends at all. I think most people see me as a bit pretentious and possibly too intense. I don't think of my self like that at all. I've always struggled to make friends within my age group. My closest friends have always been older and I've NEVER been part of the in-group or had lots of girl friends. I can't remember ever arguing with anyone or falling out over anything specific. I guess I just fall out of touch with people. Sometimes I wonder if my defenses rub people up the wrong way. One thing I would like people to know about me (but I don't always get a chance to show) is that I am fiercely loyal. I would change my plans in a heartbeat to support a friend if ever they needed me.

So yeah, ask me anything. Why in your opinion am I rubbing people up the wrong way. I don't have a problem making friends initially but they never really go anywhere. Is that normal or should I take a long hard look at myself?

If you got this far, thanks ☺️

I have diagnosed ADHD and I used to be terrible with time keeping in my 20s. It's because things take us longer than we actually realise.

I recommend using your phone calendar for several reminders of meeting and timers for each task you do. Always give yourself an hour longer than what you normally do. Plus check google maps if you drive before arriving anywhere, as it can tell you an approximate arrival time and also if busier due to traffic. Also everything you need to go with, keep in one bag and leave anything you need to take with you near your shoes.

I wouldn't keep friends if I didn't learn to work around my disability.

Ime, people find it hard to make friends if they are a) too intense, b) people pleasers or c) transactional (keeping close tabs on ensuring everything from doing a favour to paying for coffee, as if friendship is an exchange of tokens.)

I've been guilty of all of these in the past. I now just get on with life and if people like me and I like them, we spend time together. I make an effort not to be intense as I no longer want that in my life.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You need to stop thinking like this or it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Plenty of hugely pretentious people are VERY popular!

You don't want to be in with an 'in-crowd' or part of a squad. They often thrive on drama and there's usually a Queen Bee type person at the helm. Who has the energy for that?

Just relax and take life as it comes. Do your own thing, be yourself and let go of these assumptions. Hobbies are good way to meet people. I see nothing wrong with being friends with people who are older than you, either. A lot of people are very lazy with keeping up with their friends these days. I have probably 3 that I don't see very often. But I spend my evenings reading and watching TV with my cats and I'm happy.

How did I attack you?

Your post was very unkind and thoughtless at best. I am not being defensive - I don't feel the need to apologise for who I am. I was offering an opinion based on actual lives experience.

It's not everyone claiming to be ffs 🙄🙄🙄

It's just that there is a lot more of us than people think.

Me and I'm lonely. I apologise for the below moan but maybe you recognise something or cpuld take something from it OP?

I really try. I ask about other people, remember their kids names, try to organise casual meet ups occassionaly, put myself out there, try to be pleasant and helpful etc but nothing ever seems to become a friendship.

I sometimes wonder if it's because a lot of adults already have their "friend quota".

But I've also come to realise that I'm just forgettable and a bit "which one is Claire again? Oh yeah, she's nice". I have a lot going on, I'm not dull but I obviously don't capture people's attention. I worked with someone for 3 years and I asked him to sign a passport photo for me and he literally said "have we worked together? I don't know your name.". He was very reluctant to sign it because he didn't know who I was. I'd worked with him for 3 years including directly. It was humiliating.

I'd started going to a club. I wanted to do the activity but also thought it would be a good place to make friends. I'd been going a few months, was chatting with people etc but it was obvious nothing was going to come of it which is fine. Then another woman came in and within 2 weeks she was organising drinks with some of the people I'd been chatting with and they are all now friends. I honestly don't know what she did differently.

However, the positive is that I am comfortable in my own company. I am happy to do stuff by myself and I don't need someone to do something with me. Being independent is better than living your life based on what other people are doing.

You called me ableist and told me to ‘give my head a wobble’

Id call that an attack, albeit a very mild and inconsequential one. And yet again you’re saying I am being unkind and thoughtless.

I notice a lot of my own personality traits in the OP and I am very much NT. Neither you, nor I nor anyone else on this thread can ‘diagnose’ the OP with something simply because she hasn’t got as many close friends as she would like. It isn’t a catch all for absolutely everything.

You sound like me, i have ADHD!

when you say loyal I hear that you might come on a bit strong to be honest. Op our generation has the lowest amount of friends because we aren’t what people were before- we interact with less people, have less time to chat, plus of course social media. The more you think about it the more it will be a thing. Hope things improve but try to just enjoy life (I know that’s easy to say)

How are you so sure you’re NT?

what’s your friends schedules like? people might just be too busy and need you to initiate plans etc why don’t u try meeting people with similar interests or lifestyles and see how that goes? if you are conscious about being defensive or “pretentious” maybe it’s time you spoke less and listened more during gatherings? you might get some cues as well

I got diagnosed as ADHD for many reasons.

To understand myself, I'm not a freak or weirdo, I finally understand why I do things differently. I've always been one step out of line than other people seem to walk to the beat of a drum.

I needed a diagnosis to help with adjustments at work. As I've got older, my concentration has been getting worse. In females, our hormones wreak havoc with ADHD and it makes the symptoms worse.

I've been in my job a long time but I was having trouble with staring at a screen for 8 hours and taking in high detailed information. So practical reasons are a big part of getting a diagnosis. I am unmedicated.

Op I also used to have trouble with friendships. As a child, I didn't make a lot of true friends. I had some but were here and there. As I got older and I learned how to do friendship it got easier. In my 20s, I thought any friendships were better than none and I had friendships with people that just weren't good for me. I've had to really put myself first in my 30s and only keep friendships where it was reciprocal and genuine.

I can't stand flakey friendships and prefer ones where I get on with them from the start. I don't nind introverted people as long as can have a good conversation now and then.
I am introverted with big groups of people or people I don't know but am extroverted when it to comes to my good friendships.

I've learned that people like to talk about themselves so when I get to know people, I'll ask them things about themselves, find something we in common and offer information about me too. Then the conversation flows easier. Look for people who are on your level, whoever they maybe.

I'm wishing you the best!

small talk and chit chat is quite important for friendships in my opinion.
Its good to have opinions, as being a fence sitter is quite boring, and I think its great to be passionate about those opinions so you can find the people who have core values that align. Its important to be able to just pass the time with people though and light chatting and small talk is actually really bonding and non confrontational. It shows youre interested in someones day and its a way of showing someone you are trying to relate to them. It diffuses heavy situations and shows cameraderie with people.

I love a deep conversation, but if someone doesnt know how to do chit chat, then it can get intense and tiring and you have to be in the mood for it.

One glaring reason jumped straight out at me:

You eat avocado on toast. I don't think I could be friends with someone who does that.

But that aside, you sound perfectly personable to me. Give the evil avo's up and we'll talk 😄

I'm autistic too. I'd describe myself as very friendly and I can manage a bit of smalltalk on a dog walk these days but I have a big tendency to overshare and be very honest about myself. I'm not blunt though and I don't give too many opinions. I think people like me but it's only really other ND people who want to be friends. But that suits me because I only want to be friends with ND people. I don't really make any effort with anyone else and I'm not very interested in them. I'm generalising of course....I'm sure some NT people are interesting :).

The pretty privilege thing is partly true in that the better I dress, the more people smile at me. I always make an effort because it makes life easier and more pleasant. The above still applies though and I've not interest in being part of a group of women. Being pretty does mean that you end up with a lot of men wanting to be friends.

Sorry, I've done the usual autistic thing of talking about myself. It was intended to help you by sharing my story.

Think people stretched to max now. Its not you op. Out of 4 us 3 are juggling the elderly nobody is free. People flaky too no date must meet upxx type of texts which I cant be ass with!!

What do people with autism find hard about small talk? Genuinely interested. It's such stock phrases - How are you? How's the family? Lovely weather,isn't it? etc

I feel like I could have written this myself. I’m in my early thirties and haven’t really got any friends as such. I’m starting to feel ok with this as I’m recognising that maybe I don’t want the pressure of friends to keep up with. My life is busy enough with three children under 9 to keep up with.
Socialising exhausts me, when I do meet up with someone for a coffee I come away with my face and shoulders aching and I can’t do anything for the rest of the day it zaps me. I know this sounds strange!

Me and my husband know three couples we meet up with for dinner every few months which is nice but I don’t speak to them much in between. I really like them but I don’t really have much to chit chat about. My husband keeps in touch with the men as I think he’s a lot better at being social than me and has built friendships with them.

I’ve realised I probably don’t put the effort in so people lose interest in me - or maybe I’m just boring!

No advice but you’re not alone! I think it’s more common than you think! Those with friendship groups just shout about it a lot

I’ve noticed sometimes people who say this have what could be an unrealistic idea of middle aged female friendship.

i have a job, family etc. I have lots of friends, a couple of ride or dies and plenty that come and go who i really enjoy spending time with for ie dinner or a summer bbq, weekend away etc.

it’s nothing like the intensity of teenage or 20s relationships. Lots of people say “I’d drop anything for them!” I’m a 45 year old woman, I don’t need friends who would drop everything for me. I don’t need anything dropped.

This expectation of the friendships being so intense and involved very much reflects the way I judged friends at 18 (would they come and rescue me in the night? Yes? Good friend! At 45- why TF would i need rescuing by a friend in the night? Who would want to be friends with a drama llama nighttime rescuer?)

maybe think about your expectations and how realistic they are. You might find you already have what you’re seeking

Because I have never been diagnosed with ND. It’s pretty straight forward really.

You say you would change your plans in a heartbeat to support a friend if they needed you.

By "friend", there, I suppose you mean a "real friend".

And what is a "real friend"? I imagine you mean someone who you would change your plans in a heartbeat to support.

The kind you don't have any of.

I personally would die for all my real friends, by which I mean friends I would die for, of which I don't have any.

You see how this works? I know lots of people with whom I am friendly. How many "friends" I have depends entirely on how you define friend. A lot of people who say they don't have many "real friends" are just applying the same level of criteria as the person waiting for the Handsome Prince to sweep them off their feet and marry them. It's unrealistic.

Scirocco
I don't think I've ever made or ended a friendship based on looks. I would, however, end a friendship if a person shows needless cruelty towards others.

I agree 100%. How someone looks makes no difference to me whatsoever, it never has.
I have ended friendships because of behaviour, though, such as rudeness or racist attitudes.

No it sure how on earth you can be with this view on life

It'll be looks based sorry to say. There's nothing you can do about it.
That was my biggest realisation & what finally let me let go of the constant confusion-desire of making friends before all the "pretty privilege" stuff became common thing & but was relatively confident

I know my own mind

I find general chit chat exhausting

I think most people see me as a bit pretentious and possibly too intense

In just a couple of posts, the OP drips quite a bit of info that I find quite telling as to why she finds friendships difficult to maintain