How to bring up boys

[TheLast5Percent]

So that they grow up to be respectful, kind and peaceful men?

Basically what can I as a parent do to minimise the risk of my ds becoming one of the selfish, disrespectful and exploitative men we hear so much about on mumsnet or worse, one of the violent and dangerous men we hear about on the news.

My ds is still a toddler but funnily enough he is already a lot more violent and volatile than dd was at that age. It could be of course that he is just a typical toddler and dd was the odd one but every time I have raised it with any of the staff at his nursery they have all said something like "we shouldn't be saying this but his behaviour is really, really common in boys. He will grow out of it". I guess we know though that not all boys grow out of it. Or maybe they grown out of the toddler tantrums but then grow into adult men tantrums.

Funnily enough ds is super well behaved at nursery. Apparently. Almost timid. A bit like most men I've seen: a bully at home but a puppy outside.

I know namalt and nabalt, etc and ds is really lovely but I think maybe all males have an inherent tendency towards selfishness and violence and I'm wondering if there is anything we csn do to mitigate that? For their own sake and for everyone else?

I'd love to hear what you do if you have sons and share my concerns. Or if you have adult sons or brothers what worked / didn't work so well?

Thank you 😊

Well, I started with having children with a man who wasn't violent and selfish. It wasn't that hard!

I have a 12 year old son and he’s never ever shown any sort of violence- not as a toddler, not to his siblings, not to his friends in a “jokey” way. I wouldn’t tolerate if he was, regardless of his gender.

You've got an odd view of your toddler, comparing him to abusive men's personalities.

I have a son and he is the kindest most loving little person ever. He loves making people laugh, and his friends all describe him as kind. We have had talks about consent and not to touch people without their permission, and we have had talks about being respectful. We don't encourage boisterous behaviour, and he has never used any violence at all. His dad is also a kind man who never uses violence to get his own way.

I was going to say this.

You're already telling him through your thoughts (and the behaviour will match ) he'll sense it - what you think he is.

My son has never shown a hint of violence, aggression or attitude. He's the most kind, caring, loving young man I've ever met (ok of course I'm biased) but he makes me so proud.

I have sons and daughters.

It comes across as though you prefer girls to be honest and don't like boys/men (I don't get it myself, but it's a common theme on Mumsnet)

I think your son may need assessment if he is actually being violent?

I think it'd help you to talk through with a professional counsellor or similar your ideas on 'men'. I think it'd be unhealthy to let this shape how you parent your little toddler son.

Err I loved all 3 DS because they were children who needed their mum to love them, rather than treat them like experiments for potential future abusers

You do know children have different personalities?
All 3 of my boys are different, but they are kind and respectful, and lovely sons and boyfriends

I did nothing different because they were nasty males. I parented and loved them

I'm not comparing him to abusive men but to his sister and the nursery staff I assume speak based on their experience of boys and girls at that age.

I don't really think his behaviour is out of the ordinary for his age. He's being a typical toddler but it's noticeably different to how dd was at this age and according to the nursery staff toddler boys are just on average a bit more short tempered and violent than toddler girls. On average.

My question is what can we parents do now from early childhood on to help our sons learn to be respectful and peaceful and to not become abusive. For example, I make it a point to teach my son about consent (ie reinforcing that no means no and he needs to stop when someone says stop) and I am quite strict about violence. Having said that I teach dd the same as well ...

Myself and DB are very different. Both brought up by DM. DF was selfish and violent and not really around. Like you say, children have different personalities and they grow up to be adults shaped by their world, not just their parents.

You have some concerning views I'm afraid

No, little toddler boys are not "more violent" as a rule.

I can't take you seriously now to be honest. I find your views quite insulting.

I think you would benefit from professional counselling. Your views on toddlers who happen to be male really quite warped

I don’t think this is a weird question at all and I get exactly what you are saying. There are a lot of men whose parents think that they’ve done a great job but the fact is, they have the devils spawn as a son. I just think all you can do is try your best, be loving, caring, actually speak to your child. I think doing your best and raising your child in a stable home is all you can do really.

I don't prefer girls and I don't dislike boys. As I said my ds is lovely and for his own sake I want to protect him from toxic masculinity. I wouldn't be a good parent if I stuck my head in the ground and pretended that there aren't too many problematic men in society. A lot of them would have been lovely 3 year olds. A lot of them would have had loving mums who thought that their toddler would always be perfect.

What can we do to make sure that our 3 year olds don't turn into these problematic men?

Yes, picking a good role model as father is a good start. What else?

I've got 2 DS/'s and 2 male foster DS's. None of them are aggressive or violent, bully or speak down to women. All of them have been encouraged to engage in sports. Excess energy has been burned off playing sport. They have been encouraged to be thoughtful and respectful to women. I've reminded them your Mum, Nan and sister are all female and you wouldn't be disrespectful to them so remember other females are someone else's, sister, Mum or Nan and treat them kindly.

I think the best thing you can do is to change your own mindset. Assume the only option is for your son to be a kind, respectful and peaceful person. He’s only a toddler and you’ve already described him as volatile, violent and a bully in your post!
In my experience people assume boys will be bullies, hit, rude etc and that its simply in their nature and can’t be helped, so when boys do these things their parents and teachers excuse their behaviour or half heartedly address it and so it continues. Set your standards of behaviour for your children and enforce them. Even if you’re tired, want to chat with friends, want down time etc always address poor behaviour. It doesn’t take long for them to catch on and act the way you want. When my boys were little we’d also explain before going somewhere how they were expected to behave, which worked well, rather than wait until they did the wrong thing…we’re going to the doctors/hospital/church it’s not ok to yell and run around, but it is ok to play quietly. Also start now to build self esteem by encouraging your son to do things for himself even if it means he gets a bit frustrated - things like helping at home, getting dressed, carrying his own bag etc.

Therein lies your problem. You're already applying "toxic masculinity" to a freaking toddler. I just can't say anymore, you can't even see what you're doing !

What kind of male role models do you have in your family OP? If they are the kind that you describe then he will learn this type of behaviour.

You need to accept that all children are different. Not every boy is boisterous and every girl meek and mild.

You parent with discipline, respect and love, regardless of sex and surround them with positive role models. It's pretty natural and simple really.

I'm getting 'journo' vibes.....

Did nursery staff really use the word violent rather than a word like physical or phrase like “less able to control their impulse or use their words”?

I’ve heard plenty of boy vs girl stuff in my years as a parent but the word violent was never used - even at secondary school.

Honestly it's no guarantee. DH is the most gentle and non violent man you could ever meet. DS doesn't really understand why hitting people to get what you want is bad.

This thread isn't meant to be about my ds but about boys in general and if there is anything we can do to help them learn to be respectful etc.
"In my experience people assume boys will be bullies, hit, rude etc and that its simply in their nature and can’t be helped, so when boys do these things their parents and teachers excuse their behaviour or half heartedly address it and so it continues. "

This is exactly the opposite of what I'm saying. Funnily enough most posters on this thread are essentially advocating not even acknowledging that there is anything that we as parents of boys could be doing to raise them to hopefully be good men.

And it looks like my little boy is the only one who lashes out or hits when he's having a tantrum so it must be just bad genes. Presumably mine because dh isn't violent.

If we as parents just continue what we have been doing for centuries how will anything ever change? Are men doomed to always potentially be a threat to themselves abd everyone else? We can't do anything about nature (apart from trying to pick a seemingly decent partner) but I believe we need to help with the nurture side as well to maximise the chances of boys growing up to be reasonably good men. I love my little boy. This is why I don't want him to grow up to be an Andrew Tate or even just the kind of guy who doesn't do his fair share in a relationship or can't be bothered to look after his kids.

Mum of boys here. Mine aren't adult yet, but my advice for parenting both your children would be:

• model how you want them to behave - be respectful to others, kind, considerate etc. Think about their male role models. Model and reinforce healthy boundaries.
• be aware of societal messages and don't engrain these eg boys don't cry, nice guys finish last, women need to people please etc. As they grow up, discuss the messages they get from society that you think are toxic
• help them be emotionally literate. Label their emotions when young so they understand their experiences. 'You seem be disappointed... I wonder if you feel upset that x has happened etc. Talk about others emotions so they develop a language to express themselves.
• model how to cope with negative emotions - it's normal to feel sad, how to manage frustration etc.
• Have appropriate consequences for aggressive or inappropriate behaviour. It gets a bad press on here, but I really think gentle parenting is a helpful approach. It's misunderstood and definitely has consequences and boundaries for children. But don't over label - a toddler trying to assert themselves and having tantrums is normal, not a bully.

As a mother of three adult males I can’t take you seriously at all OP.

It sounds like you’re writing some sort of weird dissertation or something.

Or maybe I’m just hoping that’s true.

You definitely can't see what I'm trying to do. My boy is fine. I want him to stay fine. Once he's a teenager who has to deal with toxic masculinity or heaven forbid ifnhe becomew an abusive or even just overly selfish man it will be too late for me to do anything about it. By the way I don't think you understand toxic masculinity. It doesn't make sense to apply it to an individual. It is a problem with society that we need to protect our kids from.

Anyway this thread is about parenting tools that help boys grow into decent men. People are welcome to post whatever they want but I won't be responding anymore to posts that discuss whether it's necessary to think about this topic at all or that want to dissect semantics.

Don't allow him to get away with behaviour, just because he is a boy.
Boundaries, respect, helping around the house.
No such thing as girls/boys toys. If you don't need your genitals to operate it, then it's unisex.
Stop comparing him to his sister.

You start with modelling the behaviour/ values you want to see. Open displays of emotion, kindness, gentleness. Healthy relationships. Whatever. If you can, nurture a tribe of likeminded males around him, which is more important as he grows up.

Read Raising Boys

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Raising-Boys-21st-Century-Completely/dp/0008283672/ref=mpssa111?crid=22N1QW2B5XUC0&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.cthmi5AgqKHd-dxaFmjl917hDUdb8CkmhSA8dsakYOOjc5lodEz9XCj8H38RhfhOilQpA-EJ0wIHVMXIVJOSpwDFtE1DDSHBq0rllphdSnQ0WQrz1U97-znr5TzWgETrXoYnwqTJpTuWYUSttbPP4fSRleCyaZC3JUvaC9ORGAqBe6gKelXfuZaAdUGTfwegO-LTwQSQkcGGd3ZpOm1Q.FN3rdoCu7vLEGotvugAgYxqq-juhVYOvrgCiZNQDg&dibbtag=se&keywords=raising+boys+steve+biddulph+book&qid=1741223312&sprefix=raising+boy%2Caps%2C87&sr=8-1

But just an FYI, my son definitely has the more gentle disposition of my two. It's my DD who has struggled with empathy etc. So don't make any assumptions.