How to bring up boys

[TheLast5Percent]

So that they grow up to be respectful, kind and peaceful men?

Basically what can I as a parent do to minimise the risk of my ds becoming one of the selfish, disrespectful and exploitative men we hear so much about on mumsnet or worse, one of the violent and dangerous men we hear about on the news.

My ds is still a toddler but funnily enough he is already a lot more violent and volatile than dd was at that age. It could be of course that he is just a typical toddler and dd was the odd one but every time I have raised it with any of the staff at his nursery they have all said something like "we shouldn't be saying this but his behaviour is really, really common in boys. He will grow out of it". I guess we know though that not all boys grow out of it. Or maybe they grown out of the toddler tantrums but then grow into adult men tantrums.

Funnily enough ds is super well behaved at nursery. Apparently. Almost timid. A bit like most men I've seen: a bully at home but a puppy outside.

I know namalt and nabalt, etc and ds is really lovely but I think maybe all males have an inherent tendency towards selfishness and violence and I'm wondering if there is anything we csn do to mitigate that? For their own sake and for everyone else?

I'd love to hear what you do if you have sons and share my concerns. Or if you have adult sons or brothers what worked / didn't work so well?

Thank you 😊

"If you don't need your genitals to operate it, then it's unisex."

I love this!! 😁

We don't have boy or girl toys at home. Both kids just play with whatever they like though I admit I did want to buy him a baby doll with accessories for Christmas so he can practice being nurturing.

Thanks. Will definitely check out the book suggestion.

"Boys need to be parented in a different way from girls with their own very special psychological and physical make-up. Home, society and education have failed boys badly – and these failures lead to unhappy men who cannot fully become happy, responsible, emotionally-confident adults."

From the book description. I will read the book but I assume the description explains what I wanted to discuss in this thread better than my op.

When DS attempted toddler tantrums I put him in his room, he hated being excluded. He had about 3 tantrums and gave up.

We spent a lot of time outside and he was encouraged and fortunately took to sport. Both DH and myself played in sports teams till we were in our very early thirties. I limited sugar and that included not having too much fruit. We are both from sporty families, going back to at least great grandparents on one side on mine.

But most importantly he had gentle lovely DH as a role model.

Then there is something that depends on factors that are hard to explain. He is an excellent communicator, it’s natural possibly or maybe just copied. People tend to like him so there is no resentment or issues making friends. He has grown up seeing committed unified parents even when we were under appalling stress when his sister our DD died.

You asked for people with sons to say what worked for them…. I replied to say what worked for my sons. The advice can be applied to your DS or boys in general, but you seemed to be concerned about your DS being affected by toxic masculinity so I framed my response the way I did.

I think a lot of the replies you're getting OP, skip over the fact that boys are fundamentally different to girls in their biology. Boisterous play shouldn't be discouraged - even aggressive play shouldn't be discouraged. This is how small children process & learn. The key part is that aggression towards themselves or others shouldn't be tolerated.

I do think the example you gave of a bully at home, a puppy outside, was ill chosen. Home is a child's safe place, of course they're going to be more comfortable acting out of exploring different types of play there. It sounds like you have a very normal little boy.

I'm still in the process of trying to raise a well adjusted boy, so by no means an expert. Things I've researched and am trying though are below - obviously they'll work for girls too!

I do not equate hitting or fighting in play with signs of an aggressive personality. I do not give out at this or try redirect it, unless it's harming himself or others. I don't buy weapon toys, but little boys will be creative in making swords, etc.,

I give him lots of opportunities to get his energy out, and focus on boisterous / sensory play. Boys love and need rough and tumble. Giving safe opportunities helps. Lots of jumping on the couch / throwing him on the cushions safely, tossing him in the air, spinning, bike rides, jumping etc., If there is play fighting, I make sure he knows how important consent is, and the boundaries around when this type of playing starts and finishes.

I encourage confidence and independence in his care tasks. E.g. he's learning to cook from a young age, and pick up after himself, in a fun age appropriate way.

When he's having big feelings, I help him recognize what they are by naming them. "I think you're feeling sad your toy broke."

I spend a lot of time helping him co-regulate during big feelings too.

I reward kindness and good behaviour. I model the way he should be treated, and should treat others. Very importantly so does his dad.

I make sure the TV be gets to watch is appropriate. E.g. we don't watch Bad Dinosaurs on Netflix because the characters are frequently shoving and hitting.

My expectations are also mapped to his age. My son has toy dolls and non typical gender toys, but all he wants to play with are cars and dinosaurs. He is little, he doesn't need to practice being nurturing any more than our daughters do - he needs to be the one nurtured. I let him lead the way, and focus on loving him. He will have tantrums, and instead of seeing these as a sign of potential future bad behaviour, I focus on what he's learning from these in terms of regulation.

I completely understand what and why you’re asking, wouldn’t the world be so incredible if as a species we understood how to nurture boys in a way that guaranteed all adult men were non violent .
I think purplepandabears and a couple of others having given you some really useful advice.

We tried to develop emotional maturity with the ability to verbalise their feelings, teach empathy , model respectful and considerate relationships within the family, to be consciously aware of holding both DD & DS to the same standards and expectations and avoid imposing gender specific stereo types ( child of the 70/80’s it was drummed into us to fight those gender roles!)
Seems to have worked so far, my young adult DS is exactly the kind of man I hoped he would be.

Oh and 100 % encourage sport as part of their life if you have a physically very active little boy.

Bit concerning if nursery staff are saying or agreeing that toddler boys are "more short tempered and violent" those aren't descriptions used commonly for toddlers by anyone who works with them...

Boys tend to develop language slower at that age so may have frustrations when trying to express themselves and may be described as more physical, sensory seeking etc but I've never heard anyone describe a toddler as violent 😳

So fed up of the boy hate on mn. My 4 year old ds has never shown signs of aggression. He's a lovely boy. My dh is a kind and respectful man. When me and my brother were little I was the the more aggressive one. You're projecting into your poor ds already with the comparisons to his sister

This. I agree, this really bothers me and is very red flag of OP

I wouldn't overthink it.

You bring your children up on a day to day basis guiding them as to what's right and wrong and this becomes part of that.

Children generally also pick up on the views
and morals of their family.

I find that, even when doing simple things such as watching TV, I often comment on things that aren't appropriate, and this can lead to other conversations.

You'll get there!

That's the biggest load of shit I've ever heard.

Yeah, this is pretty much it. All psychological traits are heritable, and then the environmental effect are amplified by undesirable male behaviour.

Aside from this, boundaries. I've got friends who I have literally never heard them tell their male children "no". If they grow up thinking that boundaries are just arbitrary things they can ignore as long as they want something strongly enough, then it's no wonder there are so many problematic men.

Oh FGS, I have a nearly 21 year old son. He was an impulsive toddler who hit and bit. I don't hate men, neither is my husband his father violent.He is now absolutely charming, kind, clever and funny. He is away at University and absolutely thriving.

Boys need plently of time outside running around the average nursery/ school day was no where near physical enough for DS, the WHO recommendeds 2- 3 hours of physical play for a toddler and would suggest for DS that was the bare minimum. We walked everywhere, I always had a ball in the bottom of the buggy/ in the car boot. Lots of bike rides, organised sport 3 evenings after school, swimming at the weekend.

Clear bounderies, boys respond very well to a hierarchical structure, they need rules and consequences for stepping outside those rules , screen time is earnt. As DS got older if he played up bedtime came back 10 minutes as I argued he must be tired to be behaving like that.

Of course regular food behaviour always goes off if people are hungry. It sometimes felt like being in the army, I was envious of houses where things were free, easier and more relaxed- but my DS just didn't do well in those environments he needed structure and activity.

Toxic masculinity seems to come with low self esteem, loneliness and insecurity. So encourage him to get involved in fun, positive hobbies that attract a decent crowd. Praise him, listen to him and make sure he knows he’s loved.

There isn’t much you can do about testosterone, so I wouldn’t over think that one. It is probably to blame for quite a lot of male aggression though.

Same, but i would bring boys and girls if I had any the same, being girls up to not be responsible for their actions and can act how ever they want 'because boys are worse' is not healthy nor treating a boy as an enemy as soon as they are born

Both girls and boys can learn how to grown responsible adults who treat others as they want to be treated and not go on to breed the next generation of dysfunctional future grown ups, and go from one terrible relationship to the next

You've already referred to him as a bully and violent and he's only 3. You need to stop with these nasty, awful labels to begin with.

Also - what we do with my son (who is a teen and a lovely boy) - he has a smartphone years later than his friends and played video games about 5 years later than his friends and there are still games that he isn't allowed (shoot em up type things). Who knows if it made a difference but we always feel it did.

Then lots of outside time, speaking respectfully about women, helping him build his self confidence, all the usual stuff like that.

Raising two boys over here and some things I think have helped so far for us:

Zero tolerance for violence (hitting, kicking, pushing) or meanness (including verbal) of any kind. Doesn't matter if it's in jest or they're trying to be funny, they know it's absolutely not okay in our family and the rare times it comes up now they're older (6 & 8), there is a clear and fair consequence.

Reinforcing that it's okay to cry, always, if you're sad. Making sure they know that all feelings are okay, but that they are responsible for how they communicate those feelings. If they need help with that, it's always okay to ask.

Conversations from early on about consent and rights over your own body (and others over theirs) - no means no, and if anyone says "no" or "stop" during play or in general, you have to stop whatever you were doing immediately, no questions asked.

Mostly though, I think it's just modeling kindness. Looking for ways to make people's days better, even if they're total strangers. Lots of hugs, grace and compassion. Patience. Seeing the best in them and the world around you (as far as is possible at the moment, haha) and really encouraging kindness.

I think you misunderstood my POV. I'm completely against the OPs thoughts !!!!!!!!

Was thinking exactly the same!

Yes but suggesting they need therapy for saying their 3 yo son is prone to violent outbursts is crazy.

There is something in what the op is asking though, isn’t there?

There must be something that could be done differently regarding parenting boys that could ultimately go on to change the statistics for male violence against each other, against women?

Society will only become better when both boys and girls will start being raised to become good human beings rather than define by their sex.

It sounds like you want to raise your boys to believe that he is the lesser sex and therefore needing extra care so that he can grow to act more like the better sex.

Talk about getting him to grow wishing he was female or feeling guilty to be a boy.

Both men and women are abusive in their own ways. Women's way might be more subtle, but they also can do much damage.

Teach your children the same values and to embrace who they really are. Both will likely need to learn to adjust some aspects of their personality to become better people as we all do. Teach them self-reflection for a start and they will becom 'normal' adults.

I'm not comparing him to abusive men but to his sister and the nursery staff I assume speak based on their experience of boys and girls at that age.

I suspect you're already on a risky path tbh OP. The way you talk about your son, comparing him to your daughter, using the term bully...if we can see that in this thread, I can only imagine how that'll present at home. And that'll lead to resentment. I'd be very careful to presume too much about him based on his sex, and instead parent him based on the person he is.

I think you’re wrong there, many men don’t show their abusive sides until after children come along.

My DSs are young adults now. I think OP is overthinking the whole thing. To be facetious I treated my boys like Labradors ie ensured they were well fed, very well exercised and had plenty of sleep. We spent time with them. I didn’t tolerate any violence but boisterous play was usually ok.

They had good role models. We talk about sexism, equality etc. Why Andrew Tate is appalling. Etc etc.

And they are wonderful young men. And that’s not just my view.