How to bring up boys

[TheLast5Percent]

So that they grow up to be respectful, kind and peaceful men?

Basically what can I as a parent do to minimise the risk of my ds becoming one of the selfish, disrespectful and exploitative men we hear so much about on mumsnet or worse, one of the violent and dangerous men we hear about on the news.

My ds is still a toddler but funnily enough he is already a lot more violent and volatile than dd was at that age. It could be of course that he is just a typical toddler and dd was the odd one but every time I have raised it with any of the staff at his nursery they have all said something like "we shouldn't be saying this but his behaviour is really, really common in boys. He will grow out of it". I guess we know though that not all boys grow out of it. Or maybe they grown out of the toddler tantrums but then grow into adult men tantrums.

Funnily enough ds is super well behaved at nursery. Apparently. Almost timid. A bit like most men I've seen: a bully at home but a puppy outside.

I know namalt and nabalt, etc and ds is really lovely but I think maybe all males have an inherent tendency towards selfishness and violence and I'm wondering if there is anything we csn do to mitigate that? For their own sake and for everyone else?

I'd love to hear what you do if you have sons and share my concerns. Or if you have adult sons or brothers what worked / didn't work so well?

Thank you 😊

You asked an interesting question OP but not sure why you've had a bit of a pile on for suggesting that boys and girls are different and that 3 year old boys are at more risk of growing up to commit violence than 3 year old girls are.

I am interested in this because both DH and I grew up in female only households, the men in my family for the most part were damaged, detached and sometimes abusive and violent and I am raising sons (now tweens/teens).

There's not a lot you can do about the big factors (Yes marry a good man and ensure your child has minimal trauma and distress but things don't always turn out that way) but by the time they are ten their peer group will be the biggest influence on their behaviour - to a much greater magnitude than you are. The most brilliant mums sometimes have the most awful adult sons.

3 things you can do:

• as much physical activity as possible - sport, exercise, outside play - it will help them learn to regulate their emotions, deal with disappointment, build resilience and work with a team. (I always think it's a great paradox that children who spend all Sunday in the freezing cold being kicked, pushed, yelled at by coaches and verbally abused by teammates will on the whole have much higher self-esteem and better mental health than those who are kept at home wrapped in cotton wool)

• encourage them in whatever THEY are interested in whether you approve of it or not. If your boy likes Barbie or Warhammer - let him play out his interest. My eldest was absolutely obsessed by the military for two years and then moved onto fashion and fragrance. Let them explore their passions at their own pace - even if you think they are too aggressive / too girly / too weird.

• If they have a problem they show it through behaviour. You need to find out what the problem is and sort it. Don't just deal with the superficial behaviour - find out the cause. Primary school and younger boys don't come home and calmly explain they are feeling a bit off because they are being bullied or they are tired and hungry or a grown up frightens them or their friends aren't talking to them. They come home and have a tantrum, kick out or misbehave. Speak up for them and solve the problem.

Also bear in mind some children do not respond in ways the book or MN says. I have absolutely destroyed myself trying to put in place tried and tested tactics for DS1 only to find out they do not work on him and if anything make matters worse. You need to work with the kid you've got.

And once again, boys are different from girls in small but very important ways. Testosterone and puberty hit differently so avoid false equivalence.

I have two boys 13&11 and I've never allowed violence - they don't, and never have hit or engaged in rough housing. They would "play fight" or pretend wrestle when they were little but it was always supervised and stopped if someone got hurt and I've never ascribed to "boys will be boys" which is a damaging and dismissive trope.

My eldest was always more physically active but my second was content to watch the world - I never thought "physically active = boisterous" - I was way more boisterous than both of them as a child!

They are both very close to me, and talk to me about things that concern them, and I talk to them about challenges from different perspectives.

We both work FT but my husband is present, active in their lives and interests and we both show a lot of physical affection, hugs and care.

I've also maintained that we should be their ultimate influence until they leave for uni overseas - kids being negatively influenced by their peers is the biggest challenge, but we live in a country where it's easier to maintain our connection (non-UK, no places to congregate/hangout, can't get bus into town etc)

There is a disconnect here where every mum says her boy is lovely and on other threads the men are rotters. So the op is right to ask and think!

I have seen so many friends treat their boys differently to their daughters ~ more accepting of ‘cheeky’ behaviour or loudness. It’s pretty obvious in families with one of each. Dif toys, dif clothes, dif activities. All teaching these kids that they are different.

Teach him to cook clean do meditation (sleeping dragon) and good night sleepy paws. Learn him to use the washing machine. Buy him dolls and a pram and don't allow him violent games.

Near enough every parent on here has said there boy is lovely, calm and gentle, or alluded to the fact that they've got no concerns about them growing up and becoming one of the men we talk about when we say not all men are like that but some are, but that can't be true for everyone otherwise we wouldn't have a problem with VAWG, sexism, toxic masculinity, etc.

I don't know the percentage, but there's obviously a much more significant percentage of man who grew up to be 'abusive, violent, bullied, etc' compared to females, so I do think it's a really sensible and admirable thing for parents of boys to consider how to proactively steer them away from turning into those adults as they grow up.

Yes, picking a good role model as father is a good start. What else?

I actually think that this is one of the most important things. Role models are very important. Children learn how to behave.

I also think encouraging a wide range of interests and not pushing 'gendered' hobbies is important. My DS loves football but also music and theatre. He's regularly in situations where he is the only boy or one of only a few. That's a good thing in my view.

I have a toddler who tidies up after himself, feeds us and shares even his favourite snacks, likes to make people laugh, gives kisses, cuddles.

He's got an occasional delirious tendency to poke and prod and wrestle with us, but nothing I'd describe as violence.

It helps that he gets big praise for all his tidying, but I think it's fairly innate to him to copy and stay organised. He even helps clear up at nursery, putting the chairs away, and making sure doors are shut all the time.

I was 100% of the nurture, not nature, value system. Until the first boy in our family turned up. He had all the girls toys, was encouraged to be artistic, be creative, enjoy reading, be kind, caring, nurturing. He has never had a gun or a toy that was able to be manipulated to be a weapon. He's had conversations about consent for years already, focusing on our animals (don't touch them if they don't want to be touched etc) and also in relation to other children (kind hands, don't touch). He is encouraged to cook, automatically tidies his toys up and is commended for helping to clear the classroom up. No issues there.

He has firm discipline and there is zero tolerance of violence. At the age of 3 he saw a flash of a video of female wrestlers (channel being changed on the TV) and banged on about 'fighting ladies' for weeks afterwards.

He's a lovely, lovely boy. Kind. Loves younger children. Gentle with them. But still exhibits very many of the stereotypical boy traits. For some males this stuff is hard wired in. Does it excuse male violence, rape culture, sh*tty men? Of course not.

I think my boys are lovely - to be clear but they are not gentle, quiet or calm. They are loud, boisterous, full of energy and fairly dominating. That's why I spend a lot of time thinking about this subject.

I don't believe in 'boys will be boys' but I do believe that boys have some inherent differences (being bigger, stronger, having a much bigger growth spurt at puberty and coursing with testosterone) that need to be accounted for. It's not just socialisation. And no that does not mean we should accept male violence or sexism. We just need not to be naive fools about 'equality' and what that actually means in practice.

Thanks for all the brilliant suggestions. 💙

I have boy/girl twins, now adults.

While growing up my DD was the more outgoing and confident personality, where she led, my DS followed. However, there was a phase in his childhood where I felt I was constantly on his case to stop being so physical or responding with force to DD's winding him up. I think there's an element of society playing into this - boys will be boys means boys and girls are held to different standards. I never let it slide though.

Now they're grown up, DS js a lovely young man without a hint of physical aggression unless it's on the sports pitch (within the rules, obviously).

What worked for me and DS was not punishment but understanding why he'd reacted the way he had and role playing alternative responses until they became more natural than lashing out.

Mum of four boys here. My eldest is in his early 20s and is extremely polite and kind, and very respectful towards women (and everyone, for that matter). I maintain a loving and very honest household and since I'm vastly outnumbered as the singular woman in a household of 6, work extremely hard to ensure that they are aware that women are just as equal as men. I'm also open about things like periods, so none of them act in a ridiculous way with female friends/partners around conversations like that. They probs don't appreciate it (lol), but it's healthy and they should be just as aware of what the female body goes through as their own. My 12 year old was the only boy in his class that wasn't grossed out about it during a session at school about it, for example - he already knew and knew it was perfectly natural and normal.

With your son, OP, enjoy spending time with him and ensure you maintain a close and happy bond. Instill boundaries, as you would with any child, and simply make sure he's brought up with the right values. That's all you can do. As others have likely said, sometimes boys (and girls) turn into adults that do the most horrific things despite a good upbringing, but all you can do is your part to make this less likely.

Sports like rugby and football were surely devised to use up and channel male energy. Society has always known that it needs to be focused so they don’t ‘spend’ their energy in negative ways

I agree with this.

As toddlers my DD was far more aggressive than DS. They are now reasonable and calm adults. DS has zero toxic masculinity traits.

You seem to be looking for a problem that doesn’t really exist.

As DS gets older, keep an eye on his SM to ensure he isn’t getting sucked into any weird shite. Zero tolerance on porn (explaining why) and challenge any misogyny that arises.

I am sure he will be fine.

My boys' father was exceedingly selfish, sometimes violent and a total Disney Dad. Also a consummate liar.

I raised them in my own. They are three fine upstanding men who are 100% present in their relationships, their jobs, and their lives. They share the parenting, housework and have total respect for their partners/ wives.

I had open lines of communication ovation, and I didn't let them eat any E numbers that weren't natural. They were always better behaved than their peers tbh.

One of the first things you could do is challenge the nursery staff on ‘typical boy behaviour’ or however they’re describing it. They will have anecdotal examples of how some boys are more boisterous than some girls, but there will be as many gentle boys and boisterous girls… look up innocent socialisation, let your boy play with as many nurturing and role play toys as his sister (or maybe she preferred cars!). Just be aware of your own unconscious biases and how you’ve been socialised all contribute without you realising.

Nursery staff really should be more on it about challenging gendered behaviour. They are reinforcing that behaviour by saying ‘on average’. Maybe they’re just trying to reassure you but I’d be frustrated if that was the attitude at my child’s nursery.

From my experience of teen boys, sports and activities, chores and affection seem to help a lot.
I also taught mine the importance of small acts like making someone (me!) a cup of tea, always to offer if they're making something or going to the shop, and we celebrate achievements and occasions collectively.
It made me so happy when ds2 came home the other day and handed ds1 a bar of chocolate. Ds1 was clearly thrilled and said "what's that for?" With a big smile.
Love seeing them growing up and putting these things I've tried hard to teach them into practice.

Female parenting is not the issue here.

Maggie Dent has some good books on raising boys.

I don't really think his behaviour is out of the ordinary for his age. He's being a typical toddler

I think you need to change this mindset. A lot of people on MN say that it's normal for toddlers to push & snatch things. Mine never did anything like that. DD used to get upset when other children took her toys.

I would say boys need to be kept busy & active & have firm boundaries. Team sports are good for teaching them how to behave.

We don't really shout or swear in our house & I think that helps them understand what is respectful.

All three of my sons have had toy strollers, mainly used to transport their cars around 🤔

Picking the right father who is a decent human.
Being in a stable relationship - Marriage.
Psychologists say most criminals are men who come from broken homes/single parent homes.
Don't spoil your kids, let them earn things as they get older. Don't hand them everything with a silver spoon.
Hard work and discipline are very important. All this gentle parenting Bull is a nope.

My sons are now young adults, but one habit I have always done is to stop and listen if they want to chat. They may be talking about football, formula one, the weather but just listen and participate.

Reading again some of the replies, especially the early ones, makes me so angry today. All these women who think that no one must ever even consider the possibility of their son being capable of hurting others. And who think that mums who want to bring up their child to be kind and respectful obviously don't love their child enough.

I think it's the other way round. You don't love your sons enough to think about what you could do to help them grow into benevolent human beings. You don't love them enough to even consider the possibility that there might be something you need to do differently for them. It's so much easier to pretend that your own child could never become an Andrew Tate or one of his followers and so there is absolutely nothing that you have to do.

I don't know if there is something that parents can do but I know that at least I want to try to teach my son empathy, kindness and respect for all living beings. I care for him so i cannot pretend that there is not a problem with the way that too many men behave irrespective of whether it is because of their nature or because of society. I know he faces this particular risk and I will do everything I can to mitigate that. For his sake and the sake of everyone he comes in contact with.

Thanks to everyone who has given constructive advice. And thanks to the few who have tried to understand what I was trying to ask.

Excellent and aspirational male role models. Little boys don’t want to be their mothers. They want to be their dads, their cool teachers or sports coaches or their funny uncles.

DH is kind, generous, takes on more than his fair share of domestic and child related tasks, and took 6 months parental leave to care for our twins solo from 6-12 months.

My little boy (now 7), is pretty wild, but he is also polite, helpful to others and exceptionally caring to young children and animals. He talks about taking care of family one day and raising his own babies.