How to bring up boys

[TheLast5Percent]

So that they grow up to be respectful, kind and peaceful men?

Basically what can I as a parent do to minimise the risk of my ds becoming one of the selfish, disrespectful and exploitative men we hear so much about on mumsnet or worse, one of the violent and dangerous men we hear about on the news.

My ds is still a toddler but funnily enough he is already a lot more violent and volatile than dd was at that age. It could be of course that he is just a typical toddler and dd was the odd one but every time I have raised it with any of the staff at his nursery they have all said something like "we shouldn't be saying this but his behaviour is really, really common in boys. He will grow out of it". I guess we know though that not all boys grow out of it. Or maybe they grown out of the toddler tantrums but then grow into adult men tantrums.

Funnily enough ds is super well behaved at nursery. Apparently. Almost timid. A bit like most men I've seen: a bully at home but a puppy outside.

I know namalt and nabalt, etc and ds is really lovely but I think maybe all males have an inherent tendency towards selfishness and violence and I'm wondering if there is anything we csn do to mitigate that? For their own sake and for everyone else?

I'd love to hear what you do if you have sons and share my concerns. Or if you have adult sons or brothers what worked / didn't work so well?

Thank you 😊

Very odd views unless you are trying to score MN brownie points?
I have one of each and won't be doing anything different in raising them.

Nah sorry, but your wording of the op was very negative which is what most people took exception to.

"My ds is still a toddler but funnily enough he is already a lot more violent and volatile than dd was at that age. It could be of course that he is just a typical toddler and dd was the odd one but every time I have raised it with any of the staff at his nursery they have all said something like "we shouldn't be saying this but his behaviour is really, really common in boys. He will grow out of it".
Funnily enough ds is super well behaved at nursery. [Therefore his behaviour isn't concerning or indeed violent so what are they talking about?] Apparently. Almost timid. A bit like most men I've seen: a bully at home but a puppy outside. [Directly comparing him to an abuser, as well as saying most men are like this]

"I think maybe all males have an inherent tendency towards selfishness and violence"

Surely you can see why this got people's backs up. I'm not going back to rtft again but iirc not one person said they thought mums trying to bring up their child to be kind and respectful was a bad thing - I honestly don't understand how you came to that conclusion

Also drugs and drink come into play at a later stage.
That alters things.
Ds had a friend at primary who was a nice boy.

Years later I read he was a drunken drug addict who crashed a car and killed people.
Didn't fit with the way I remembered him as a child. You never know.

I think what you're trying to achieve OP is a lovely thing, and it's great to be aware of how biology impacts development.

I do agree with @Twonewcatsthat it's the way you worded your OP that caused the antagonistic replies. It was hard to look past your phrasing, to the heart of what you were asking.

@TheLast5Percent Basically what can I as a parent do to minimise the risk of my ds becoming one of the selfish, disrespectful and exploitative men we hear so much about on mumsnet or worse, one of the violent and dangerous men we hear about on the news.

People (viz: women) come to Mumsnet to talk about their problems, and for many it's relationship problems. We only ever hear one side of the story, and while I have no doubt there are many selfish, disrespectful and exploitative men in the world, there are also women who fall into these categories, many of whom are oblivious to this or unwilling to acknowledge their flaws for fear of judgement.

As for your son becoming one of the violent and dangerous men we hear about on the news, the probability of this is so very remote it's just not a rational fear. it's far more likely he will commit suicide than commit harm to anyone else, but I don't see many people in society really caring about this or what they might do to prevent it.

Most men grow up to be normal, respectable, decent human beings. It's a shame we don't hear more about them, rather than the negative stereotypes we are so often fed by the media and social media.

I mean he's a toddler and you're trying to explain consent? Does he understand you are not, I presume telling him that if he is playing with his toy, and someone says , "stop, give it to me", that he is not obliged to do so? Silly example obviously but you sound as if you think every young boy is going to be abusive with normal good parenting. They are not. I think you need therapy personally to help determine what's behind your worries

Have a child with a decent man who is an excellent role model.

I have a 14yo ds (as well as an 8yo dd). He was a bit aggressive when he was little, but nothing serious. It was mostly impulsive retaliatory overreaction. He's a lovely young man now, I'm very proud. Caring, thoughtful, sensitive, funny, kind and entirely respectful of girls. This isn't just what I believe, we've been told this by many others. He's had a good role model, and we've instilled boundaries and ensured he respects them. We also have lots of very open conversations with him about consent, respect in relationships, and misogyny perpetuated by people like Andrew Tate. Too many parents shy away from difficult conversations with their teenagers, but it's the most important time to have them.

If you go to any early years setting there are clear differences between boys and girls and in my opinion that has nothing to do with external factors. Boys are (for the most part) more active, less socially motivated and drawn to doing stupid things. It’s partly why they live less longer than women. Just model behaviour you’d like to see in him, assuming you’re a decent enough person show him what empathy looks like. A father figure in my opinion or at least a male role model in a boys life makes a huge, huge positive difference. Boys who grow up without a father / father figure and those who grow up with poor male role models are at most risk of becoming misogynists.