One lazy child, active siblings

[dontgoaskingme]

8 year old DS, 10 and 13 year old DD’s

Oldest and youngest are both very active and sociable, doing at least 10 different hobbies/extra curricular activities each and will happily try and take on anything new.

Middle DD isn’t sporty and is quieter,
when not at school will happily spend all time at home just relaxing or watching TV. Isn’t really interested in playing in the garden or going out for activities.
She’s just dropped swimming lessons so is now only having music lessons at school and language lessons at home with a family friend.
Any suggestion of trying something else and she just says she can’t be bothered, has tried a couple of things in the past but only lasted a couple of weeks/months before giving up.

Other DC obviously get a lot of money spent on their activities, they also get a lot of extra time and attention from them.

I think I wouldn’t worry about it so much if her siblings weren’t so busy but I feel I’m doing her a massive disservice by not making her do the same as them and worry that she will grow up with less skills and confidence than her siblings and wish we’d pushed her to do more.

Would it be unreasonable to insist she does more? At least tried 2-3 other activities and for a minimum of 6 months each?

Let me rephrase without mention of her siblings.

Dd(10) spends a lot of her time not doing much and will just sit and watch tv or play on her iPad all day if left to it.

She will only do things like reading and playing outside m when encouraged not by choice. She doesn’t have anything she is particularly interested in or enjoys.

She is made to do a music lesson during school time and is being taught French by a family member. She has recently been allowed to drop swimming lessons.

She has tried a few things in the past but gives up after a few goes and says she can’t be bothered to try anything else.

AIBU to insist she chooses something else to replace swimming lessons and sticks with it for at least 6 months?

Op - how does she actually fill her time? If she's watching tv for hours and hours, that's your fault if you've allowed a 10 year old so much screen time

Does she read? Reading is a lovely hobby.

She probably has interests, but are you recognising them, if they don't lead to an outside home activity or skill acquisition opportunity?

She may enjoy:

• playing board games
• reading
• listening to music
• listening to audiobooks
• watching films

Have craft things available but don't push her. She may be put off trying things because she feels anything she just wants to mess about with/do for fun is seized on as a potential Hobby at which she can be encouraged to excel.

Yes, YABU. That's enough for a child.

will just sit and watch tv or play on her iPad all day if left to it.

How has this ever been an option? As a parent you are in control of how much screen time can be allowed, don't allow it. Access to infinite screen time does tend to limit children exploring other areas.

From your ‘updated op’ I think just reduce the screen time. She can do what she wants with that new time, it doesn’t need to be a set hobby. Your issue is she is on screens all day, not that she doesn’t have enough hobbies. But also find some shows or games you can join her for.

Would she enjoy going swimming for fun? Or maybe with a friend? Like recreationally. Not as a hobby, just for enjoyment. No expectations other than filling time pleasurably away from a screen.

Yes, the OP’s definition of lazy is very much that of someone who apparently has no idea whatsoever of the internal life of her own child. Thinking is not being inactive. She may actually be far more perceptive than her siblings and (unfortunately for her) far more sensitive to her parents’ neuroses and opinions as a result. There is no way she won’t have noticed her mother’s negative perception of her personality - no mention made of any strengths or advantages in her being the way she is, just lots of fears that she will grow up talentless and dull.

@0ohLarLar
I did say which you included in your quote 'if left to it' as in if I let her. I obviously don't let her have infinite screen time.

This whole thread makes me very sad. It’s as though there are KPIs for being the most active or productive child.

My happiest memories of childhood are of being given the space and time to decide what I wanted to do. Sometimes that didn’t look like much from the outside, but inside my mind I was daydreaming, making things, inventing stories in my room or in the garden. As an adult I also dislike being told how to spend my time (which is a big part of why I also do a very self-directed job) and I appreciate quietness, doing less, and time spent thinking and creating. This is who I am as a person and perhaps also your child.

It‘s a cliche (which may have previously been mentioned on this thread) but we are human BEINGS, not human doings. Isn’t the greatest pleasures of childhood the fact that you don’t have to do stuff all the time?!

So what does she do when she doesn't have screen time? Staring at a wall? Or is she actually doing something but it isn't something you consider to be a worthy hobby?

If she doesn't pick an activity then she has to do something with you each week and you'll pick. Walking, yoga etc

I haven’t RTFT OP but have read your posts.

Have you chatted to her about her interests and if there’s anything she’d like to do? I wasn’t a sporty child at all, it took until my early 20’s to get in to exercise and even then it’s all solo - I can’t bear group or competitive sports etc. But is there maybe something she does enjoy? Could she like an art class, a book club, something like that. I just couldn’t see anywhere where you’d maybe had a chat with her about things she may be interested in?

Try not to compare her to her siblings; me and my own sister are chalk and cheese and always have been. And I really, really wouldn’t force a class or insist on doing it for 6 months - it’s the first way to suck all the fun out of it. Just talk to her; and if nothing comes of it, leave it - she’ll gravitate towards her own hobbies and interests in her own time!

Ok so by your own definition, she doesn't have too much screen time. She goes to school. She does her homework. She does her music and a language. She did swimming until recently.

You can't take just the siblings out of the equation to make your attitude seem less harsh, not when you've already spent multiple posts (lord knows how you're finding the time tbh, with all the hobbies) banging on about how much more confident and enriched they are compared to your "lazy" middle child.

As a previous poster said, I find it very sad you literally haven't listed any positive traits she has or anything you actually like about her, but gush about your other 2 to negatively compare her.

You think she's lacking confidence? I wonder why.

She does do things like read, colour, help cook, play on the trampoline, go shopping, to the cinema or for a walk etc but these are all things that she only does if she is asked or encouraged to do when screen times up not something she will ask to do.

And she does at the moment end up doing quite a bit of coming and watching siblings do their hobbies.

I think many kids would be happy to be watching their iPads all day. iPads, especially with the likes of the short videos provided by YouTube, are literally designed to be addictive. For a vulnerable child's brain, even more so.

Your child sounds totally fine. My ds10 only does swimming lessons now. I have tried to encourage him to do other things but he's not interested.

So there is actually quite a lot that she does. If your gripe is with having to encourage her, that's parenting. I don't see how encouraging her to do an organized hobby is substantially different from encouraging her to help with cooking or go for a walk. She is still not going to be making independent decisions which seems to be what you want her to do.
What does she do when screen time is up but you don't encourage her to do any of the things you listed? How does she choose to spend her time then?

Do your children ever sit and have fun together?

That's just cruel to call her lazy

But that’s fine! Seriously OP that is fine, she’s 10 years of age. Stop overthinking this one - she’ll find her own hobbies and likes in her own time, just let her. Encouraging children to go for a walk is just parenting is it not; I do it every weekend!! Do not force a club she isn’t interested in, it won’t end well.

Yeah I totally agree on not forcing arbitrary sport or hobby activity but for some kids if you don’t “force” or “insist” on active things then they won’t happen. I’ve known loads of pre-teens who would say no to a walk/canoeing trip/bike ride but once you insist they end up loving it!

I do struggle with the notion of a physically healthy and neurotypical ten year old feeling drained by normal day to day life - I’m mid 30s, a full time teacher with a family and a busy life and don’t really ever feel “drained.” A bit tired after a busy day as it’s coming up to bedtime perhaps, more so approaching end of term, but generally energetic! Most kids I teach at that age are bursting with energy and very active!

I'm really struck that, in all the posts here, I can't find a single unconditionally positive thing you've said about your daughter- your middle child. There are plenty of positive things about your other children, but none that I can find about her.

She'll be picking up on this. If you want her to be happier and more confident, that really needs a foundation in which she can feel loved and accepted (and respected) for who she is, and that's really not coming across here as being something she has.

Rather than dragging her to watch her siblings prove to her again and again that she is not enough herself, why not use that time to connect with her? Spend time learning who she is, and you may well find she's just as special as they are, in her own way.

I think in all likelihood your daughter will turn out absolutely fine. So much can change during the teen years/young adulthood. Kids who were once very active can burn out, lose their way and become aimless, while kids like your daughter can blossom and find their tribe. It's impossible to know what the future holds for anyone. Of course having a childhood hobby can be very enriching longterm, but it also doesn't guarantee anything. Your daughter might just be someone who finds her passions a bit later on. She has plenty of time to acquire confidence and experience, so I wouldn't worry too much right now as long as she's content. xx

Of course she has positive qualities.
She’s kind, friendly, calm, funny, easygoing, patient, honest, responsible…
I love her very much.

So let her be! Let her be herself instead of the poor, lazy middle child.

Maybe she'll find her niche when she's at high school.

OP, this is completely normal! You need to back off and appreciate your daughter for who she is instead of trying to turn her into someone else!

And it still cracks me up that you seriously think she'll have trouble finding a boyfriend (or girlfriend) because her only extracurricular activities are French and music lessons 🤣 Yeah, hobbies are top of every teenager's list when deciding whom to date!