One lazy child, active siblings

[dontgoaskingme]

8 year old DS, 10 and 13 year old DD’s

Oldest and youngest are both very active and sociable, doing at least 10 different hobbies/extra curricular activities each and will happily try and take on anything new.

Middle DD isn’t sporty and is quieter,
when not at school will happily spend all time at home just relaxing or watching TV. Isn’t really interested in playing in the garden or going out for activities.
She’s just dropped swimming lessons so is now only having music lessons at school and language lessons at home with a family friend.
Any suggestion of trying something else and she just says she can’t be bothered, has tried a couple of things in the past but only lasted a couple of weeks/months before giving up.

Other DC obviously get a lot of money spent on their activities, they also get a lot of extra time and attention from them.

I think I wouldn’t worry about it so much if her siblings weren’t so busy but I feel I’m doing her a massive disservice by not making her do the same as them and worry that she will grow up with less skills and confidence than her siblings and wish we’d pushed her to do more.

Would it be unreasonable to insist she does more? At least tried 2-3 other activities and for a minimum of 6 months each?

Your title should probably read non active and active as opposed to ‘lazy’ op. If you can find something you think she’d love go for it, otherwise just supply her with hula hoops, skipping ropes, a football and a bike and let her get on with it herself. It’s so difficult not to compare- we all do it!!!

Why? poor kid is at school and also has two extra curricular activities , that is more than enough. The only hobby I had when I was young was reading, and in the summer I was a keen swimmer. That is plenty, let her do what she is genuinely interested in rather than cramming in a load of stuff she may well not enjoy and for what purpose, so you can say that all your children are super busy and have loads of interests? We are not our children, they are no there to boost our egos, to do the things we wish we had done at their age, they are individuals finding their own path in life not an adjunct of their parents.

What is your definition of nothing? Give an example of your daughter’s week…

I think you really need a heart to heart with her.

Tell her she can be exactly who she wants to be and she doesn’t need to do hobbies. But that you worry you are spending more time and energy on siblings. You want her to have the same opportunities. But explain that you want to honour and respect her own choices and you will put the equivalent money away in a savings account for her. If she wants to - work with her to find things that interest her - maybe a craft or photography etc. maybe a social group something like scouts.

Let her be herself! She is her own person. An individual. Stop comparing to siblings - this is a huge mistake!!!

Insane thread.

You don’t have to spend more time with your other, more active children. Why can’t you just hang with your middle DD watching TV, having a wander through the park, just chatting and doing nothing else??

I don’t want it to come across as if I don’t like my dd, I like and love her very much.
My concern doesn’t come from disliking her but from wanting to do the best for her.
Her siblings obviously have other problems and things I’m concerned about as well.

Again I don’t want her to be like or do as much as her siblings!
But I do feel she’s missing out and would benefit from doing more, I’d like her to find things she’s enjoys and is good at.
There’s not a certain thing I want to push her to do and I’m just as happy for her to want to go to a drawing or cooking class than I would be for her to play tennis or do gymnastics

But it is an insult. Poor kid.

Sadly (not unlike the OP, it seems) my partner is a typical mansplainer who "knows best". She is now starting to push back a little at 15. But she adores her dad and I don't think she quite knows how to assert herself with him. And since I am not her biological parent, I can all but try to explain how it's a bad idea without having actual power to change anything.

'I think I wouldn’t worry about it so much if her siblings weren’t so busy but I feel I’m doing her a massive disservice by not making her do the same as them and worry that she will grow up with less skills and confidence than her siblings and wish we’d pushed her to do more. '
@dontgoaskingme

This is insulting. Some parents can't afford to send their children to extracurricular activities. It doesn't mean those kids will grow up with less skills.

If 2 of your kids are doing more than 10 clubs a week each, I can only imagine you're doing it for show to be that parent.

No child needs more than 10 a week. I reckon you're the one pushing for this many seeing as your other child who does 2 and not 10 isn't doing enough.

My DD 'only' does one. Gymnastics once a week. I'm not doing her a disservice growing up with less skills.

How peculiar.

Surely she already has things she enjoys and is good at?
What is she doing when she's relaxing at home? I can't imagine she just sits in silence for hours a day does she? She must be doing something.

You want what you THINK is best for her. Take it from everyone's replies on this thread that you and she are very different people, and that what is best for her is NOT what would be best for you.

You can do the best for her by letting her be herself, not trying to make her something she isn't. She sounds happy, healthy, and very similar to many of the people on this thread who have successful and happy lives. Don't ruin that by forcing her into a mould that fits you but not her

Music lessons at school and language is a lot more than some people are able to have the privilege of...

Check your privilege.

I am stuggling to imagine how on earth anyone can do 10 activities as well as go to school and do their homework, there are are only 7 days in a week and 5 of them are school days. When do these busy active kids sleep or eat and more importantly when do they have any downtime to just be and to think. There is a school of thought that kids need to spend some time being bored so that they develop the inner resources to cope with the inevitable tedium of aspects of adult life and that this in itself is a skill

I think you forgot time travel in your list of hobbies.
You work, have another job teaching dance classes, do all the hobbies listed above, look after 3 children with all that entails, oversee homework, host a family member who gives your daughter language lessons, take your children to 20 activities a week and still have time free to take your middle child to at least 3 further activities if she would agree to it and have time to go on Mumsnet.
How on earth do you manage (and afford) it all?

Tell her you are interested in her doing her unique interests and following what she enjoys. Tell her that trying things is worth it and learning to persist is an important skill, so you want her to have that experience and can she help you find her things that she would love?
For dd2, I gave her a yarn budget for crochet projects, I went on sewing courses with her, we bought her a camera and she took a photography course. She actually does feel that she never stuck at things or persisted, but she made some amazing things, she has a great eye for design and photography, she's a hard worker and earned a ton of money in her gap year and went to some amazing places. So it all came together as she got older and she is very focused when she's interested and sees the point.
I wonder, also, if she would like to do even more things with you or other family members? A bit of downtime, board games, nurture, movie nights just for her.

@Roseshavethorns

I have a husband and grandparents who live next door.
Teaching dance is my job.
I don’t get to do all those things every week.
Not all of DC’s hobbies are paid activities or done every week, some are done online, some are only done in holidays or occasional weekends.
Family member is a retired adult who I don’t have to host.

OK, it's starting to make sense now. You appear to be a person who is always on the go and never just sits down and relaxes (or, at least, that is the impression I get from this post).

You appear to like two of your children as they follow your own likes. You appear not to like your middle DD as she is different.

Different is not lazy.

To be totally frank, I would probably find you a bit too much to deal with regularly.

I hate to imagine what you would think of my DC. When they were younger they would have, at most, one activity per week.

When he was younger, my DS was in the cubs, he was then in the scouts for a while but soon gave up on that. He played rugby for the school (they even beat the local ex-grammar one time) and then, in the sixth form, also played for the U18 team of the local rugby club. But this was basically just once a week.

With my DD, she really enjoyed Brownies and then Guides, and really loved going away on camps, but doing something once a week was quite enough for her. She really didn't want to do anything more.

How you are bringing up your DC is totally different to how I raised mine. Both are equally right in that we both listened to what are DC expressed interest in and did not try to force them into something.

But are you perhaps trying to force your middle DD into something that she doesn't want to do or become somebody that she doesn't want to be?

It can be hard to accept that your child doesn't have the same attitude towards life that you do. I would suggest that it is wrong to try and impose your outlook on life on her when it appears that this is something that she is not interested in.

You keep blithering on about “confidence”, but if your middle child had the self-possession to stick to her guns and do only the hobbies that she actually enjoys rather than capitulate to an overbearing maternal pressure to fill every last waking minute productively, I think she’ll be just fine on the confidence front. She’ll probably head off to university and find a gang of mates who are into the same books and things that she enjoys, and be just fine.

10! How do you even fit that in? I think you have two exceptionally extrovert children and one more typical or introvert child. I would let them be them.

I understand where you are coming from op.

If you really want her more physically active above everything else, tell her she has to pick an activity once or twice per week for her health and its non negotiable.

Do it with her if its not at an organised class.
You can walk, cycle, jog, do yoga/pilates at home..

If she picks a free activity like walking/cycling with you or "working out" at home, when she does that for a whole month, maybe you can buy her something nice or new trainers for walking, so it feels more even with the money being spent on all kids each month?
The incentive might make her more inclined to try for a bit ?

If it's a paid activity, you tell her she must attend for a certain amount of time but when she quits, she needs to take up another physical activity immediately.

You're still giving her choices.

You can put your foot down and just not let her sit in front of tv every day.
Be firm. Make a list, give her as many ideas as you can think of and maintain she must pick one.

Well I think on the whole YABU calling her lazy and trying to make her do stuff she won't enjoy. But physical exercise is important though and you should find something she'd enjoy. Maybe she's just not the sporty type and doesn't enjoy team sport so you should find different things she'd enjoy like horse riding or dance or karate, or even just getting out for a walk a few times a week?
Some people just do need more alone time too and there's nothing wrong with spending time amusing herself as long as it's not all screen time - I used to spend hours reading and drawing when I was a child.

No one really cares about Hobbies on a cv. I tend to overlook ones that are filled with too many extracurricular activities as it shows me you don't have time to sit and get good at one thing. Too much is as bad as too little.

I'm a surgeon btw

I imagine that your daughter is an introvert and needs time to decompress when she gets home from school. Introverts need downtime and over scheduling is probably one of the worst things she could do. Extroverts do not seem to be able to grasp the ramifications of this. Maybe read the book Quiet by Susan Cain?

Why all the hobbies? Do they ever get to relax or is that not allowed?

But I do feel she’s missing out and would benefit from doing more, I’d like her to find things she’s enjoys and is good at.
There’s not a certain thing I want to push her to do and I’m just as happy for her to want to go to a drawing or cooking class than I would be for her to play tennis or do gymnastics

You can't make her want any of these things or be interested

But you can keep her as healthy as possible. So just do that.
Come from a health point of view.
Make sure she is moving enough and she will in time discover what she is actually Interested in.

It sounds more like 2 of your children are extroverts and you have one that’s more of an introvert rather then lazy.
I have one super sporty one and one that doesn’t not like sports at all, both the same sex and only 16 months apart in age.
Mine are as different as chalk on cheese and whilst I used to worry about the one that didn’t seem to do much, despite my offers of all manner of activities he is happy and content.
He gets on at school and does 2 extra things, one art based and one physical activities with a personal trainer but otherwise he mostly vegetates when he’s at home.
My other child is full of beans, super sporty, super bright and very popular, we are always fetching and carrying him to his sporting fixtures and extra curricular activities. I worried about the difference in time/money spent between them but there is no resentment, especially since the personal trainer came on board because it balances out things a little more.
I think you need accept that your children are just very different, maybe the effort of school is enough for her and she really enjoys her down time, which after a full on day of learning and homework is fair enough.