One lazy child, active siblings

[dontgoaskingme]

8 year old DS, 10 and 13 year old DD’s

Oldest and youngest are both very active and sociable, doing at least 10 different hobbies/extra curricular activities each and will happily try and take on anything new.

Middle DD isn’t sporty and is quieter,
when not at school will happily spend all time at home just relaxing or watching TV. Isn’t really interested in playing in the garden or going out for activities.
She’s just dropped swimming lessons so is now only having music lessons at school and language lessons at home with a family friend.
Any suggestion of trying something else and she just says she can’t be bothered, has tried a couple of things in the past but only lasted a couple of weeks/months before giving up.

Other DC obviously get a lot of money spent on their activities, they also get a lot of extra time and attention from them.

I think I wouldn’t worry about it so much if her siblings weren’t so busy but I feel I’m doing her a massive disservice by not making her do the same as them and worry that she will grow up with less skills and confidence than her siblings and wish we’d pushed her to do more.

Would it be unreasonable to insist she does more? At least tried 2-3 other activities and for a minimum of 6 months each?

You are totally ott. Language and instrument is more than enough.

Why do you think doing things she doesn't like/doesn't want to do will benefit her?

Perhaps they'll make her feel like you think she's not good enough, or that you think she shouldn't be who she truly is as a person.

I think you're doing her a disservice by trying to force her to be someone she's not.

The OP has a few active hobbies and an active job but many of the things she’s listed are things you would do when sitting still and relaxing?

Piano and guitar, reading, writing, sewing, art - surely those things are her sitting still and relaxing time? I think a lot of adults confuse “aren’t glued to a screen” with “can’t relax.”

But I do feel she’s missing out

"Missing out" is only a thing if she wants to do things and isn't getting the opportunity or is otherwise being discouraged. You have given zero indication that she is missing out, only that you are projecting how you would feel onto her.

If your DD is going to school which includes PE and a full curriculum then she has full days that include social time, organized activity, sustained development, and physical activity. In the long summer holidays it's fine to require some sort of physical activity as long as you give her free choice (she's almost old enough to use a gym and if accompanied which may help) but it doesn't need to be an organized or group activity because she gets plenty of experience with organized activities at school. Otherwise support your DC in living her life in a way that brings her joy and fills her needs, not yours.

PE is 2 hours a week at the most and very little else at school involves strenuous physical activity. Children age 10 should be engaging in physical activity for an hour a day minimum. I agree that kids don’t have to be doing something group based every day but we have an obesity epidemic in this country and I think insisting on an hours physical activity a day is fine.

I thought doing 2-4 activities was normal. Up until recently she was doing 3 and now she’s doing 2. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that and it’s not lazy.

If your other DC only do some of the activities in school holidays/ as and when then they don’t really do 10 activities. 10 activities would be ridiculous anyway.

Just because you like to be busy all the time doesn’t mean your DC will be the same. If she just wants to relax then let her, seems like she knows she has the choice to take up more activities if she wants to.

If she likes her music, I would push that, get her focusing in on that rather than skating over the surface at numerous different activities. If she isn't already, get her started playing an orchestral/band instrument so that in time when she's competent enough she can join in playing with others in larger ensembles.
If she's to practice as she should to progress then that will fill her free time.

Buying decent quality instruments as she progresses up the levels will even up the allocation of resources between your DC

I absolutely understand it's an uncomfortable moment when you realise your child is not like you. My husband, daughter and I are all people who need a decent amount of down time and will happily spend an afternoon all ignoring each other and reading or baking or whatever. My son needs constant people and activities and input and and and. It can be a lot for the rest of us! He does football 4 days a week and taekwando twice and swimming and coding club and would absolutely do more if I would pay for it and drive him. But I won't as I am tapped out!

My daughter is a dancer but is quieter. Doesn't have a ton of friends, spends a lot of time reading or messing around with crafts or making cookies or just doing.. whatever. She is just as happy as my son.

So I think for me it would depend on her health - mental and physical. Does she get enough activity from a physical standpoint? Decent walk back and forth to school? Is she happy? Does she herself want to find something she enjoys? Is she just lying around watching telly or is she doing similar to my daughter?

Do you have any pets? Maybe you could get her a dog with the money you're saving (am bewildered by your kids lists of hobbies too!) and she can be responsible for walking the dog every day if you're concerned about her physical health?

Bloody hell. when do you cook, eat, do all the tedious and time consuming jobs that keep a house ticking over and when do you sleep? Today I have managed a couple of chapters of my book and the rest of the time has been spent doing a load of boring life admim stuff that keeps things functioning. I have been having a think about what hobbies I had as a teenager , I have always loved books and to this day get through about 3 a week a mix of classic literature, contemporary fiction and non-fiction mainly politics and history Once I was in my mid to late teens my hobbies were boys, clothes, drinking, going to gigs and getting up to all sorts! But I passed all my exams and got into college and guess wha? t I was never asked about any of my hobbies. Your girl sounds grand, appreciate and value her for the unique person she is.

My favorite thing when asking parents like this to list out what their DC do in a week is that they either leave off school entirely or put it as one item equal to their hour long piano lesson. We don't see them during that time and school is just a given in a child's routine so we minimize it.

Most school aged children spend at least 40 hours per week at or traveling to/from school doing a wide variety of activities in a group setting, some of which they get to choose and most they don't. After some homework, meals, basic care/grooming, light chores and 9-10 hours of sleep most 10 year-olds only have about 2 hours of actual free time per day during the week. They could do absolutely nothing but stare at the wall during those two hours and it would still be a small fraction of time in an otherwise very busy life.

Thinking back to my peers at school who went to Oxbridge and then moved into successful careers, they typically had 1, or at most 2 hobbies that they seriously devoted themselves to and became highly skilled at. Something that gave them a real niche - something they excelled at.

OP’s oldest and youngest children cannot possibly achieve that level of skill/expertise
when their time is split across 10 hobbies - they can’t possibly have more then 1.5 hours max a week to devote to each. Jack of all trades, master of none, and all that.

I remember going to a talk about applying to Ivy League universities in the US when my DD was in sixth form, and they talked about wanting ‘spiky’ people as opposed to all-rounders. They want to build an incoming class full of people who excel in a particular area - who have devoted themselves to learning more about a particular subject/area of expertise.

Being mildly skilled in 10+ areas doesn’t impress universities/employers. It shows a lack of ability to really commit and devote yourself to something.

@VioletVX

A lot of their hobbies and interests are linked or support each other.
Dd does preforming arts, dance, singing lessons etc and and DS does gymnastics and martial arts.

They also just do things for fun and to make friends not because they want a career in it or to be the best at it.

She is fine, leave her be. If she wants to do something else she will say so but it isn't a requirement.

God I really feel for this poor kid. She must feel like a changeling as a relatively chilled out person in this family of hyperactive overachievers. If it was me I'd feel so inadequate I wouldn't want to try anything new in case it got seized on as my "thing" that I then had to master and excel at. Bloody terrifying.

I mean it kind of goes without saying because that's how statistics work, but some people are just average OP. Some people just do ok and don't fill their every walking moment or line of their CV with accomplishments. Some people just plod along, and live a quiet and contented low key life. Maybe your DD will be one of those people. And you know what? That is absolutely fine. What matters is that she feels accepted and loved just as she is, not constantly pressured to do more than enough and negatively compared to her siblings.

Maybe your DD has it in her to be a wonderful, gentle, accepting and sensitive mother, and that's when she'll come into her own?

Ha ha, yeah okaaaay.

Also if you are worried about the unfairness of her siblings' hobbies costing so much, put the money aside for her. The time may come she'll have a use for it.

How can they possibly be doing 10 each week and actually have time to do it properly, practise etc?

10 is daft. I would probably consider that a worrying sign that they weren't able to amuse themselves for even a minute without an adult led activity.

Not everyone thrives on social engagement- for some it is draining and you need to respect that.

Exercise is important so i would look for a fun way to help middle child get some regular exercise but that doesn't have to be a formal sport, it could be going on bike rides together, roller blading etc.

If their interest is music, encourage that. Is it an instrument they might enjoy playing in a rock band or orchestra, would they be keen to take up a second instrument? Music is a great hobby, someone who is practising an instrument daily is not lazy.

'Why aren't you as good as your brother/sister?'

That's what she'll hear.

Forcing drained children to do physical activity they don't enjoy in their limited free time in some sort of mandatory quota system doesn't solve the obesity epidemic any more than punishing a child for not eating a piece of broccoli with their frozen dinner does.

Offer opportunities to try all sorts of non-sedentary activities and support children persuing any they want to continue with in a manner and level that feels enjoyable and fulfilling to them. Help them come up with ways to incorporate activity into things they like (ex. one of mine is loving photography so we prioritize walking, bike riding, or canoeing trips in search of photo opportunities, another likes music so we suggested drum lessons alongside their primary instrument). Make family time more active - take active holidays and day trips, park somewhere and walk between errands and scheduled activities, go to the pool to splash around and play marco polo, do active volunteer days as a family, cook meals from scratch together. Let your DC see you enjoying physical activity and talking about it in a positive way instead of as punishment, burning calories or "earning" food. Learning to enjoy activity and how it makes our bodies feel and incorporating movement into daily living is more impactful for lifelong health than forcing any set amount of exercise for the short number of years we have them under our full control.

You sound like an extrovert who needs to be busy to be happy and to feel energised. Your dd sounds like an introvert who is happy in her own company, has an internal world that keeps her plenty busy enough and who needs time to recharge after spending an entire school day in other people’s company. The list of your other children’s activities is ridiculously long, yet you appear to have normalised that and found your middle child wanting. Imvho, the biggest fault is with your attitude - the more pressure you put on your dd, the less appealing extra activities will sound and the more they will feel like punishments. Forcing her to do activities is a dreadful idea.

You sound like an extrovert who needs to be busy to be happy and to feel energised. Your dd sounds like an introvert who is happy in her own company, has an internal world that keeps her plenty busy enough and who needs time to recharge after spending an entire school day in other people’s company. The list of your other children’s activities is ridiculously long, yet you appear to have normalised that and found your middle child wanting. Imvho, the biggest fault is with your attitude - the more pressure you put on your dd, the less appealing extra activities will sound and the more they will feel like punishments. Forcing her to do activities is a dreadful idea.

You’d be doing her a disservice by forcing her in to something and likely making her resent you for it imo.

Children are all different and not to be compared, just because some like lots of activities and interaction doesn’t mean all will. I come from a fam of 4 subs, all very different, I always hated doing extra things outside of school but am a very successful and social adult with lots of skills (albeit different ones to them which would happen anyway). Other families will not have the money or time or means for so many extra classes, etc. It doesn’t mean they will have kids less skilled or social than the ones you have that do classes. They’ll just have different qualities.

God I feel so sorry for this girl.

Despite what you try and say, your attitude towards her absolutely fucking shines through and it is really really sad.

If we can tell from your posts on here, she absolutely knows from living with you. She will 100% know you think less of her compared to her siblings because she's different @dontgoaskingme

But she is by definition lazy (disinclined to activity or exertion) especially compared to her siblings who are very active and always wanting to do something.

You are so incredibly obvious in your favouritism it makes me teary for your middle child. She doesn't have to be like you to be a lovely, valuable person who prefers a calmer, relaxing life.

You're labelling her lazy

I can't believe your other children have 10 hobbies. 10!! When do they ever get to chill? When do you get to chill if you're ferrying them there?