to tell ex that if parents evening is that important, he can sodding well go?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Youngest of six in senior school. Parents evening once a term and every term it is the same. She is top set and doing very well, not bragging, just a fact. I spend a couple of hours sitting waiting and then probably half an hour total being told that she is doing very well and then getting the sales pitch for her to choose their subject for GCSE. Talked to her earlier about the next one and asked her if she would mind if we didnt go, she said she thought it was a waste of time. Her father messaged me tonight asking if I had made the appointments as he gets the email reminders. I said no as I wasnt going and asked if he had made his own appointments. He went MAD. I am a bad mother, I dont care about her, I should go blah blah. I said that I had been to all the other appointments and it hadnt really told me anything I didnt know but he was welcome to go himself. Again, it was my job, I am a shit mother who doesnt care about her.

So that was when I lost my shit and said "Well considerning you have never been to a single one of her parents evenings, perhaps this is the time you should go if you think it matters so much". Radio Silence.

I dont feel that it will make any difference, DD agrees.

So, if it matters to him so much, he can go right?

Where on earth has OP said that she shouted and used bad language to her ex-DH? She said:

'So that was when I lost my shit and said "Well considering you have never been to a single one of her parents evenings, perhaps this is the time you should go if you think it matters so much".'

Her response to her DH's goading was much more measured than mine would have been. She hasn't done anything to provoke him apart from turning his double standards back on him. You are just making up stuff to show OP in a bad light.

OP didn’t shout or use bad language - where did she say that ? Her ex contacted her to ask if she had booked the appointment. He didn’t have anything to criticise, it was a simple, normal exchange. ‘Have you made the appointment ?’ ‘No, I’m not going.’ What else do you suggest she should have said ?

Glad you’re not interested any more because with every post you’ve clearly demonstrated that you haven’t grasped the situation - you’ve actually invented a few things in your efforts to victim blame and that really doesn’t bring anything to the discussion. And the notion that OP was ‘provoking’ him is downright offensive. If you stop apologising for abusive arseholes like this you might realise that they will find any excuse to abuse, and appeasing them achieves nothing.

Divorces now are 'victimless'. It makes it easier. After that, when you meet, presumably, there is then a victim of crime when one speaks politely to the other x partner and gets a tirade of abuse in return, and still the 'victim' doesn't respond in kind.

So the bad language was just for our benefit? I apologise. She let off steam to us but was perfectly polite to her X? I quote:

    ''So that was when I lost my shit and said "Well considering you have never been to a single one of her parents evenings, perhaps this is the time you should go if you think it matters so much". Radio Silence.''

Would there have been the same row had she not responded to the message?

If you saw someone you knew had a peanut allergy, tucking into a peanut butter sandwich, what would you think?

That person would only be a victim if they had no idea they were eating peanut butter. However, if they knew what they were eating, what would you think?

I gave my advice, which was to have nothing to do with him, don't respond to his messages. That way you will not be abused.

I stand by the advice I gave. You made 6 children between you. You know what he is like. I suggested you have no contact with him, then you cannot be wrong. What is wrong with that advice? It is up to you. Either you avoid contact so that you are not abused, or you stay in contact and continue getting what you are getting from him.

What is wrong with that?

The op said that she lost her temper with him. If she had not responded to the message he sent, he would not have had the opportunity t o be rude to her.

The youngest of six is taking GCSE exams. As the youngest is 16, the OP must have been married to her X for some considerable time. She knows him upside down and inside out by now. Why have anything to do with him? I said divorced people have to be civil to each other until the children are 18, but now, we hear that he is violent too, even more reason to have nothing to do with him, also about the children.

If you knew someone was violent, would you contact them?

The OP admits losing her temper with him when he called her names. Understandable.

The DD is 16, the youngest of 6. The OP must have been married to him for a considerable time, and knew what he was capable of. Now it appears he was physically violent as well.

He has no right to message her. She would not have been given an earful if she had not responded to the message. It isn't as though she didn't know much about him, is it?

I just advised her not to give him a heads up by responding to his message. We don't know how long they have been divorced. Divorces now are victimless. As he was violent towards her, she should not have any contact with him at all, because it just encourages him to hurt her more.

It is advice. What if she chooses to ignore that advice and continues to respond to his messages? What then?

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · Today 10:02

I left something out of my reply to you.

''If he thought it was important he should go himself''. Could that be taken as a reminder that he had never taken an interest in any of his children? This it hurtful. How would anyone reply to that?

I suggested she had nothing to do with him, and am castigated for that. Why?

I am far from misogynist, believe me.

Why would any woman respond to a message sent by a nasty violent man and not ignore it? Worse, respond to it and accuse him? It is the last thing I would do. I never contacted my X, knowing what I would get if I did.

The entire conversation was conducted via whatsapp, me "losing my shit" was along the lines of saying "how fucking dare he call me bad parent?!" to my sister who I was with at the time and sending the reply that he could go himself if he thought it was so important. No abuse, no shouting, no nothing. And he is the father of my youngest child after my first husband (father of the 5 eldest) and I divorced amicably.

SS decided that he could have contact as he has never been deemed a risk to her, only to me. So yes, I do need to have contact with him to arrange these things, but I am not some cowed victim, I will call out shitty treatment each and every time. I am not afraid of him now, and never will be again.

I am far from misogynist, believe me.

No I dont believe you.

Parents evening once a term is outrageous surely that could be an email if absolutely necessary?!

It is only this year as it is options year, I didnt put that in my OP, sorry!

And the options night is in a couple of weeks and we will be going to that (even though she has already decided what she is doing!

Seems perfectly clear to me that OP has to have contact with him as he is her DD’s father. Even if he’s been abusive to OP the courts won’t necessarily consider him a danger to his daughter, and it sounds as though he has access. So what you’re suggesting is that she kow tow to him and act like a scared victim. Thus giving him the upper hand. And you’re not a misogynist ? OK then.

Why are we bothering?

I appreciate your support, but cant help feeling that we are wasting our time!

I suggested nothing of the kind. What sort of contact is a slanging match? What good does it do? Do you need it, when it ends up in insults and makes you unhappy?

Not really sure now you’ve pointed it out 🤣. The poster said they lost interest a few pages back, so surprised they’re still digging themselves a misogynistic hole
responding. For the record I think you were a lot more restrained in your response to your ex’s hypocrisy than I would have been !!

Do you get paid for making stuff up or is it just a hobby?

We had a slanging match now?! What an imagination you have!

This is not like your original post that everyone commented on. You keep coming back with more, so that the whole thread is changing rapidly.

Why not keep to the basic complaint about his being rude to you and say nothing about what the meeting was?

Oh do bugger off.

But what about context ? To know whether OP was reasonable or not in her response the details about the meeting are relevant, and had she not mentioned it in the opening post she would have been accused of drip feeding. If you read her updates it’s all there.

Well what do you call it. He messaged you about the meet teachers. You said you couldn't go, and was he going instead. He said no, and called you a nasty name. You then said you lost your temper ( well actually you used bad language, which I would never write) and reminded him that he has never been to meet teacher ever, at all.

He didn't like that. It was much the same as he called you, in effect. If you didn't swear at him, why swear at us?

Don't have a conversation with him. When he comes for his contact with his daughter, say nothing.

yanbu, i've had this same conversation with my ExH. he's never been either

You did the right thing op. Honestly a lot of pps should go back to school and study comprehension. It's like they're in a parallel universe.

While you are being rude to me, you must be leaving some other poor soul alone. I don't mind. If you have to be nasty to someone, better me that the children or the xes.

Oh gosh, you’re invested in this aren’t you!?