to tell ex that if parents evening is that important, he can sodding well go?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Youngest of six in senior school. Parents evening once a term and every term it is the same. She is top set and doing very well, not bragging, just a fact. I spend a couple of hours sitting waiting and then probably half an hour total being told that she is doing very well and then getting the sales pitch for her to choose their subject for GCSE. Talked to her earlier about the next one and asked her if she would mind if we didnt go, she said she thought it was a waste of time. Her father messaged me tonight asking if I had made the appointments as he gets the email reminders. I said no as I wasnt going and asked if he had made his own appointments. He went MAD. I am a bad mother, I dont care about her, I should go blah blah. I said that I had been to all the other appointments and it hadnt really told me anything I didnt know but he was welcome to go himself. Again, it was my job, I am a shit mother who doesnt care about her.

So that was when I lost my shit and said "Well considerning you have never been to a single one of her parents evenings, perhaps this is the time you should go if you think it matters so much". Radio Silence.

I dont feel that it will make any difference, DD agrees.

So, if it matters to him so much, he can go right?

It sounds terrible - my daughter is in secondary there are 320 kids in her year. Parents evening is online 5-minute slots , if you book it right it's done in 30 minutes and my ex can join online from his house.

It’s a completely different thing from open day, parents night once a term is crazy, I’d have banned my parents from going that often- what would they do? Have you not had any teenage children? My teachers all said basically the same thing every parents night for 6 years. I didn’t want any parent or teacher input on my subject or university choices either.

You seem to put OP and her ex-husband on the same level of wrong-doing with respect to attendance at parents' evenings. OP has been to every single one and her ex has been to absolutely none yet feels confident enough in his self-righteousness to scold the OP for missing one evening.

OP has explained why it isn't necessary for her to attend this one parents' evening and that her daughter doesn't want to go. If her daughter wanted them both to go, OP would go.

Can you do online? I always did never went back to FTF after Covid so thankful for that.

At no point did OP say it was boring. What she did say, and which you clearly missed before wading in, was that her DD doesn’t want to go - that OP’s decision not to go was actually made with DDs input, so of course she will know OP hasn’t gone. OP didn’t say she had an important clash either. She just thinks it’s a waste of time. Like so many posters here you just haven’t bothered to read what the OP has actually said, preferring to critique her parenting skills instead of actually answering the question she asked.

It’s almost as though you haven’t read any of OP’s posts. Oh wait……………….

I've only read the first couple of pages. Your logic seems fine OP, crack on with your life, do what works for you.

But can I just confirm something unrelated? I didn't grow up in the UK, I moved here as an adult. Do the children come to parents' evenings and sit and listen to the commentary? What if it's "hard truths" or the teacher wants to advise the parent on how to help with not doing homework or something? Where I grew up there were parents' evenings, but only the parents went. I used to beg to be told what my teachers had said about me!

just because your ex is disengaged doesn’t mean you’re off the hook. It’s not a race to the bottom.

Appears to be a race to the bottom on MN with reading and comprehension though doesn’t it ? OP isn’t ‘off the hook ’ - she’s in contact with DD’s head of year every couple of weeks so the parent’s evening isn’t telling her anything she doesn’t already know. If all wasn’t well then I’m sure the head of year would have communicated that long before now.

I didn't go to my DD's last parents evening in primary and probably missed a couple others in secondary. I'm a widow so no other parent.
Like you I could have just repeated every parent/teacher meeting I ever had: 'doing very well but she should speak up more'.
I knew her grades. I didn't need to hear the same old same old.
My DS however was always in trouble and so I never missed one of those, though frankly it made little difference ultimately.

and you left yourself wide open to his abuse

You really should be ashamed of this comment. It warrants deletion.

Try reading what OP actually wrote instead of displaying your misogyny for everyone to see. OP didn’t ask ex to go. He has never attended a parents’ evening. He received the email alert from the school and he contacted OP. When she said she wasn’t going and told him if he thought it that important he should go himself, she was met with a torrent of abuse. Either way, that’s unacceptable and the fact that you think OP somehow ‘asked for it’ is really concerning.

I’d stop now if l were you. With each post you’re getting deeper and deeper into blaming the OP for her ex’s abusive behaviour.

It is victim blaming and it is disgusting, do you always tell victims of abuse that they asked for it 0 because they didn't carefully watch their words every single moment? You are quite literally blaming OP for her Exs abuse, what you've written is indefensible and YOU should know better. Your behaviour is the problem here, not OPs.

Agree

I've got 4 kids and Im a teacher ( I don't have to do parents evening as I teach resit maths) I have said the same as you for years. I'm not sure it's the best use of anyone's time. In 5 minutes you can't discuss anything. Any real issues would be delt with outside this time. Yes it's great to hear great things about your kids but I already know my kids are great. I do still go if it's an important year for decisions but we didn't go to my son's y8 he was more than happy. I'm with you.

My ex is like yours, he never goes to any of the school things and has now stopped bothering with most hospital appointments and such too. When he does come he either spends 80% of the time talking about him and his struggles or he makes ridiculous suggestions like upsetting our son with SEN's happy and settled routine or shaking up his newly developed coping mechanisms just to seem Important. He adds no value really to anything as he only shows up when he has an audience and thinks he's the most important person in the room and gets angry if people especially me don't play along.
My kids are much younger but I get termly updates and meetings with my son's teacher and the psa's that help him so parents evening is a waste of time frankly, 5 minutes isn't enough time to talk about anything in depth. I go as I'm there for my daughter anyway and she doesn't need the extra meetings so it's good to touch base with her teacher. I suffered years of abuse from the father of my kids. I can tolerate being around him for the sake of the kids if I have to so it's almost like most people don't believe he was abusive cos I can sit next to him and make polite small talk. People in general choose to be blind to what horrible See You Next Tuesdays some men can be as the they have always been nice when I met them mentality is rife. But no you 100% are not being unreasonable to tell him to go although its probably better for your daughter that he doesn't as I'm sure you already know

He’s a waste of space. Well done for putting your foot down. You don’t need to go. Ask the school if they have any concerns to raise and if non then fine. If they do they can raise them over the phone. Missing one won’t hurt

If he believes that are so important then yes he should have found time to go to some. '

It is bloody annoying when decsions have been made and people try for their own reasons to talk your DC into changing them. Our youngest is being houded because she doesn't want to stay at sixth form - she has a nice acceptable reason and more she's not stated- they don't do one of the A-levels she wants - but she still be dragged to three meetings, been contacted on teams and we've had e-mails. Though with GCSE choices we found teachers backed off when we backed our kids chocies.

I did occaionally find the parent meeting with odd subject teacher useful - ideas to support the DC or resources we weren't aware of and last year why she was struggling with two subjects - it was very clear upon meeting teachers why she had problems with their approaches. However mostly not that useful at all.

Are you that permanently furious poster who moved to Australia? Your poor DD is all I can say.

No. Care to elaborate on why you say "poor daughter"?

I have three children. On some occasions the open day, where parents are free to wander to see the work done in the school while waiting their turn to meet teacher.

Others was just a meet teacher. I had one spirited visit with my DD. She was six. The teacher told me she was doing very well. I taught all mine to read before they went to school, and tell the time, and tie their laces.

I said I was surprised because she came home from school the other day and said ''we learned the time again. That is the third time we learned to tell the time''. To which the teacher then said: 'Well she doesn't always pay attention'. I replied: 'She tells me that the children talk all the time and she cannot hear the teacher'. The teacher said it was not always easy to stop children talking.

That is when I told her that next term she would be going to a private school. Six other children also moved out of that school to the private school.

Sometimes, open days can be quite illuminating. That occasion began with the teacher saying how well my DD was doing.

I gave advice. I divorced my CF, and it was for a lot more than name calling.

I learned to avoid anything that might give him the upper hand. I cannot understand why my reply was victim blaming. It seems incredible to me that passing on advice from experience would be taken as victim blaming.

If you know what someone is like, you don't goad them into another attack, do you?

I shall. Many divorced men, who are to blame for the split, spend the rest of their lives justifying themselves against their X wives.

They will take every opportunity to try to convince people that is wasn't their fault. The problem is that when children are involved you are tied to an X until they are 18, and unless every effort is made to be polite to one another, there will be occasions when something like the OP has experienced happens.

Of course it is wrong, and nasty. It could have been avoided, and I merely suggested that if on another occasion she doesn't shout and use bad language, he would have nothing to criticise. It was just common sense. If the OP insists he was not provoked, then I accept it.

Not interested any more.

One of you should go. It doesn't have to be you

Where on earth did you get the idea that I shouted and used bad language? I was verbally abused and sworn AT.

And given that my ex was removed from the house after attempting to strangle me and years of violence, I dont need advice on how to handle abusive men thank you. If you think that me telling him he can go to parents evening himself if he wants to is me goading him, and cannot see how that most definitely is victim blaming, then you are beyond help.

He asked if OP would be going. She said no and basically told him if it was so important to him then he should go himself. How is that ‘goading him’ ? He’s DD’s daughter, if he was so bothered then what’s stopping him ? What should she have said, given that he contacted her ? You’ve been deleted twice and still you’re trying to excuse his abusive attitude.