to tell ex that if parents evening is that important, he can sodding well go?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Youngest of six in senior school. Parents evening once a term and every term it is the same. She is top set and doing very well, not bragging, just a fact. I spend a couple of hours sitting waiting and then probably half an hour total being told that she is doing very well and then getting the sales pitch for her to choose their subject for GCSE. Talked to her earlier about the next one and asked her if she would mind if we didnt go, she said she thought it was a waste of time. Her father messaged me tonight asking if I had made the appointments as he gets the email reminders. I said no as I wasnt going and asked if he had made his own appointments. He went MAD. I am a bad mother, I dont care about her, I should go blah blah. I said that I had been to all the other appointments and it hadnt really told me anything I didnt know but he was welcome to go himself. Again, it was my job, I am a shit mother who doesnt care about her.

So that was when I lost my shit and said "Well considerning you have never been to a single one of her parents evenings, perhaps this is the time you should go if you think it matters so much". Radio Silence.

I dont feel that it will make any difference, DD agrees.

So, if it matters to him so much, he can go right?

He’s an arsehole. But you know that of course, hence divorce. Just think thank F he’s not my problem on more days than this one anymore. Phew eh?!

Absolutely. If his calling you a shit mum for not going to one parents evening then what kind of father missing them their kids whole life? By his own standards he must be the crapest father of them all. He should report himself for child neglect based on his reaction to your not going this time.

You should go to parents evening.
Why, when thanks to my regular catch ups with her HOY, I know all the information that would be given at the parents evening?

if you hadn’t planned to because you have an important clash then you should have told your daughters father.
He knows but wont go, wouldnt go with a gun to his head. He has never been to parents evening.

your daughter will know you haven’t gone. that will say something to her.
that she doesn’t matter.
One of the reasons we are not going is because she doesnt want to, it says that I listen to her and her opinion does in fact matter.

and it says something to the teacher.
that your kid doesn’t matter.
She has many teachers, she is in senior school about to choose her GCSE's

loads of the stuff we need to do in life is boring.
I agree, I woud include explaining things that are all in my previous posts to someone who clearly couldnt be bothered to read them. And at no point did I say I thought that it was boring.

@PyongyangKipperbang I too have a SEN child and found parents evening a complete waste of time as there was nothing l didn't already know thanks to the frequent contact l had with the school already.

In fact it was so frequent that the School Receptionist and l were on first name terms.

Save yourself and your DD pain and don't go.

Your XH is a twat

That's exactly what my English A' Level teacher said when my DM walked in. "Hello Tortielady's Mum. It's lovely to see you, but I didn't really need to. She's working well and we are happy with her as she is with us."

In your description of him, your ExH is a misogynistic blowhard with the judgement of an inebriated gibbon. He's also an unreliable flake. Is that right? If so, should he be allowed anywhere near your daughter's critical decisions? She sounds a lot more rational than him and his input would not be helpful. Could you trust him not to try nudging her away from STEM where she obviously excels, because he doesn't think it's suitable? She's getting feedback and guidance from her school and support from you. Whether you go or not is a separate issue (I was also a child whose DM traipsed to parents' evenings when there was no need,) but I'm not sure it's wise to encourage Daddy Dearest to shove his oar in.

It is very sad, when you consider that teachers give up their time to meet the parents to discuss what should be the most important time for their children - who are our future - to argue the toss as to whether to spend a couple of hours at the school discussing their children.

Both parents should attend every time, because it shows that the parents have some sort of interest in their own children. One evening out of 365 cannot be so hard to do.

You are being very generous in your estimation of him.......

I am not explaining again, read my posts, its all there.

You said exactly what you should have said.
Also if someone is a 'shit' parent for not going to a parents evening, then that's admitting he's been a shit parent for years - tell him that too

Radio Silence has gone on, so I suspect that it has hit the spot! If he thinks there is a chink in my armour he will try to exploit it, and he hasnt. Me pointing out that if me missing one makes me a shit mother, him missing all makes him an even more shit father appears to have shut him up!

You asked our opinion. I gave mine, indicating that both parents should attend the open evening regarding what they think of one another.

After all the years, why bother to ask your husband to go? If he hasn't bothered to go before, he would hardly agree to go because you cannot, and you left yourself wide open to his abuse. Next year, don't ask him, just go.

Teachers have training on how to meet divorced parents at an open day. They are not judgemental, at least they shouldn't be. You can both meet teacher separately if you prefer. If the school knows you are divorced, they may well give you that opportunity without your having to ask.

They don't sound like a great use of your time op but to be totally honest I think I'd still go to them anyway. But that's me.

I also think your ex has an unbelievable set of brass balls to even attempt to call you out like that when he's never been to one. Where do these men find the audacity?

Because what I asked was "AIBU to tell ex to go himself if he thinks parents evening is so important"

What I DIDNT ask was "Should I go to parents evening". Most respondants are answering the question I didnt ask.

ETA

As you edited then I will too.

I didnt ask him to go. I dont care whether he goes or not. And I can "play nice" if we have to attend things together and he will too because his image is everything to him. So no issue with making seperate appointments, which you would know if you had actually read what I wrote.

Sad, really that your DD only gets to choose her exam subjects once in her life, and you didn't think you needed to go because they are only telling you things you already know from past open days.

You say that your DD is choosing the exam subjects: that is not the same thing each year, is it?

And further, its not open day, its parents evening. Do you ever actually bother to read an OPs posts on a thread before responding with your asinine comments?

And saying I "left [myself] wide open to his abuse" is victim blaming at its finest.

How disgusting.

How is it sad that she is confident in her choices, I support her choices and so does her HOY?

I will tell you what is sad......that you are unable to answer the question I asked.

And yes I am getting pissy about this because I asked whether I WBU to bat back to my ex over somehting DD and I are happy with, and all I am getting is further reinforcement that he is right and I am a shit mother.

ETA why on earth do you think it is an Open Day? Please explain

So now, you say your post was really only about the way your XH spoke to your and criticised you and called you a bad mother.

Everything else in your post was irrelevant to the question. You didn't have to say any more than that it was a very important appointment, and would he go instead of you?

I would not have commented on the meet teacher appointment if you had not made such an issue of it.

I edited out my grammar and typing errors. I am using an almost bland keyboard.

You DIDN'T ask him to go? I am sorry. I misread you. I thought you had contacted him and asked him to go, because you could not. I will have another read. I was blinded by the long description of what the meeting was about and thought you wanted comment on the whole post.

You cannot expect me to agree that meet teacher is boring and unnecessary, can you, because I won't.

I have said before, you did not need to tell us anything about your DD and whether she wanted you to go or not.

Why did you say anything about your DD at all if you didn't want comments on whether to attend meet teacher or not?

It is really a shame that you put all that in your original post then when we give you our comments, you only wanted to be told you were reasonable by being offended by what your X called you.

How can anyone be blamed for that?

You are doing the right thing:

Your dd doesn’t want to go.
You have all the information you need from the school
It does NOT send the message you don’t care about her
Teachers will not judge you for not attending
Your ex is a shit.

One of you should go. Skipping it shows a lack of interest in your child and regardless of whether they ‘agree with you’ it will be hurtful to them that you can’t make the effort. They might want support choosing options etc.
however it shouldn’t all fall on you.

Skipping it doesn't show a lack of interest- it shows a parent who has listened to their child.
No - two parents don't need to go. Often one parent has to stay at home to look after the other children - and the school halls are crowded enough as it is. You can have a debrief when you get home in which DC can hear again how wonderful all the teachers think they are.
OP says the ex gets informed by email so it's not like OP can just not tell him.
YANBU. It sounds like your DD receives plenty of encouragement and support from you .... and precious little from her outraged F.

Why does he care that you go if he never does? Does he usually ask you what they said and wants that but can't be arsed to go himself?