Crying over children’s behaviour at work

[Themanuscript]

I’ll preface this by saying there are some wonderful parents out there who parent beautifully with and without limited means and raise lovely, well mannered children and I’ve encountered many over my 13 years experience of nurseries/nannying and schools.

But after the past 5 years, I think I’m finally going to walk away from the childcare industry. I’ve just walked in to the house after being tearful the whole way home and broke down after another day of sheer abuse from the children I nanny. No matter how well I teach and model behaviour, parents are not backing it up. Modern work/life balance is so bad that parents are giving into their children out of guilt and creating children that are unpleasant to be around. There should be no such thing as an unpleasant child! I should not be being hit for not giving them more sweets after they’ve had treats all night because they’ve screamed at me for not originally giving in and their parents have come out of the home office and given in to keep them quiet, undermining me in the process. I should not be having water thrown at me for telling them not to hit eachother in the bath. I should not be looked in the eye while telling a child an instruction or not to hurt another child for them to smirk and not listen and just walk away. These are primary aged children and I’m being shouted at constantly because they aren’t being taught ‘no’ at all.

I’ve worked with disadvantaged children who have come from foster care, poverty and abusive households and none of those children ever treated me as bad as the middle class KS1/2 children in beautiful homes who never go without.

Today an 8 year old child was asked what they wanted for dinner, I made said dinner which they decided they didn’t want and because I would not make an entirely different meal they threw it on the floor and later jumped on me full body weight while we’re sat on the couch. Meanwhile I’ve come home to an empty fridge and bank account and they have no idea how fortunate they are.

this isn’t an isolated thing. Like I said previously, this is 80% of the children in past 5 years. I spend all week trying To instil good behaviour, they don’t see me for 2 days over the weekend and it’s back on to square one on Monday

AIBU to walk away from working with children at all? I expect age appropriate challenging behaviour but I am sick of being abused all evening long every single day.

They , and their parents sound utterly awful.
can you leave and find another job?
.. I appreciate this is not easy.

The family sound bloody awful, look for nicer employees

It’s almost every child I’ve cared for in the past 5 years. As people, the parents are all lovely. But their passive parenting is creating behaviour like this all across the board.
My contract with this family is ending soon which I won’t be renewing. Hence, thinking about packing it all in together

It's because kids barely see their parents these days. So like you said, they feel like they have to make up for that during the couple of hours they spend together.

I blame the fact that many families can only survive if both parents work full time.

And of course, gentle fucking parenting.

What consequences do you have for that poor behaviour? I briefly had an issue with my DC playing up for a childminder because she did not really impose any consequences. I was doing it at home but younger children need a consequence in the moment.

Yanbu - that behaviour is not acceptable

Could you foster?

Fuck that. You are a saint for putting up with it all.

I left Early years work 2 years ago. one of the reasons being the effect that poor parenting was having on the behaviour of the kids, and I was fed up of dealing with it. I felt sorry for the kids, in childcare from 8-6 often 5 days a week, whisked home to be put to bed an hour after being picked up. Unsurprisingly that results in attention seeking behaviour. And weekends the parental guilt kicks in and they were totally spoiled. I can only imagine that behaviour just gets worse as they got older.

Being a childminder is actually better because you can enforce your own rules and expectations in your own house. You don't need to rely on parents backing you up.

Sorry, but I'm afraid I disagree on this. I used to childmind a little boy while his mum worked full time. We got to the point of potty training, and he was doing really well, then Friday night comes, she picks him up, and he doesn't go on the potty again until Monday morning, at which point, I had to start all over again. You can only have boundaries with the children, while they're in your charge, but when they do spend time with parents, and are either spoiled rotten, or ignored because they're too much trouble, and the parents want a rest after a hectic week at work, this all comes back to bite the childminder or Nanny, when the working week starts over.

Quite honestly OP, I think you've done your share of trying to raise decent kids, in your shoes I'd definitely be looking for a change of career.

I don't think it's the work. When I had my DC (X2) nearly 30 years ago, both me and DH worked full time and I only had 4 months mat leave. They were in day nursery every day full time until school. But we parented differently than today - I think we were stricter and gave them more boundaries. For example they always ate what we ate from a very young age and we limited choices. We are extremely close as a family even now they are adults. I don't think it's work - I think some parents are much too lenient and indulgent. You can be a loving parent without pandering.

I definitely only worry about them while they're in my charge! I don't potty train, that's up to the parents.

I agree with a change in career - OP you obviously have great skills for caring. What about adult / elderly social care or nursing?

If you do decide to jack it in and therefore don’t need this family as a reference, I’d be extremely tempted to tell them what vile children they’re creating with their lackadaisical “parenting”. They’ll end up with teens going to more and more extremes to get their parents’ attention and probably end up forking out a fortune for therapy.

@Themanuscript have you tried Nannying younger children? When you are Nanny to a baby or a child under 2 you can shape their behaviour a great deal

Perhaps as mentioned above, consider fostering. There's lots of kids who would thrive with someone who actually cares for them.

Oh OP how awful. My boys have a nanny. Both have ASD. I’m a fairly gentle parent but not permissive. There isn’t a cat’s chance in hell this would be acceptable for me.

There is a family out there who would be so grateful for your services.

My nanny is one of the most important people in our lives. I feel so lucky to have her. Keep looking - you’ll find your place.

YANBU. Hopefully it will sort the problem when parents have to parent instead of outsourcing that.

Could be that the children suffer though if improperly trained or vetted people step up to fill the gap.

Horrible all round.

What about adult / elderly social care or nursing?
I appreciate the suggestion but that would be moving to an even worse option. It’s no secret how underpaid, understaffed and exploited social care practitioners are who often work in unsafe conditions with unstable hours.

Do you have children OP?

Whilst some of what you’re describing is extremely poor behaviour (hitting, throwing things at you, throwing food etc), some of it sounds like normal child development. Such as crying and screaming to get their own way, not listening, bounding at people on the sofa.

Im not a permissive parent, neither am I overly strict. I’d say I’m laid back with morals and high expectations. And my 6 and 7 year olds run me wild at home. Angels as school, terrors at home. They’ll grow into nice adults. How do I know? Because I was the same, lots of kids are. The energy, development of ego and esteem, tiredness etc are all playing a large part part in their behaviour.

I’m in my late 20s and CF by choice. I wouldn’t want to take on a child full time.

I know some delightful children of those ages, but having endured an uncomfortable number of children's parties over the past few years (including ones I was running), I am amazed at how wet/uninterested some parents seem to be. I have stood around arguing with a boy who had taken all his clothes off except his pants that he wasn't getting a party bag until he had his shoes on ready to go because that was my "rule". And the little cretin still tried three times to wrestle it out of my hand three times. I have seen children throwing food at walls, deliberately spilling drinks, sticking their fingers into the birthday child's cake and destroying stuff while their parents stand by and do nothing.

I am probably a bit soft as a parent and my kids are no angels, but if they behaved as badly as I've seen some do, they'd get a cross telling-off and physically taken away from the situation, and parties would be a no-go until behaviour improved.

I would not like to be a nanny to lots of these kids, OP. Some of them I don't even trust I could keep them safe on the walk home from school, the behaviour and listening is so poor, so I won't even have them round for playdates.

I'm so sorry OP. I had a nanny when my boys were young. Not only was she the most important person in our lives (other than each other of course) but we acted as a unit. If she made a decision then we all abide by it. We are all still good friends to this day and I care for her dearly.
There are good families out there who would value and respect your skills and experience and I'm sorry you haven't found them and they haven't found you

I was thinking the same.

I have a 3yo who is currently testing boundaries aaall the time. My parenting style sounds similar to yours, and most of my friends, and we're all experiencing similar stages at the moment.

Could you do night time nursing/nannying for new mothers? I imagine that's quite well paid and you get the snuggly tiny babies to deal with.