Crying over children’s behaviour at work

[Themanuscript]

I’ll preface this by saying there are some wonderful parents out there who parent beautifully with and without limited means and raise lovely, well mannered children and I’ve encountered many over my 13 years experience of nurseries/nannying and schools.

But after the past 5 years, I think I’m finally going to walk away from the childcare industry. I’ve just walked in to the house after being tearful the whole way home and broke down after another day of sheer abuse from the children I nanny. No matter how well I teach and model behaviour, parents are not backing it up. Modern work/life balance is so bad that parents are giving into their children out of guilt and creating children that are unpleasant to be around. There should be no such thing as an unpleasant child! I should not be being hit for not giving them more sweets after they’ve had treats all night because they’ve screamed at me for not originally giving in and their parents have come out of the home office and given in to keep them quiet, undermining me in the process. I should not be having water thrown at me for telling them not to hit eachother in the bath. I should not be looked in the eye while telling a child an instruction or not to hurt another child for them to smirk and not listen and just walk away. These are primary aged children and I’m being shouted at constantly because they aren’t being taught ‘no’ at all.

I’ve worked with disadvantaged children who have come from foster care, poverty and abusive households and none of those children ever treated me as bad as the middle class KS1/2 children in beautiful homes who never go without.

Today an 8 year old child was asked what they wanted for dinner, I made said dinner which they decided they didn’t want and because I would not make an entirely different meal they threw it on the floor and later jumped on me full body weight while we’re sat on the couch. Meanwhile I’ve come home to an empty fridge and bank account and they have no idea how fortunate they are.

this isn’t an isolated thing. Like I said previously, this is 80% of the children in past 5 years. I spend all week trying To instil good behaviour, they don’t see me for 2 days over the weekend and it’s back on to square one on Monday

AIBU to walk away from working with children at all? I expect age appropriate challenging behaviour but I am sick of being abused all evening long every single day.

Children throwing their food at the feet of an unrelated adult or purposely body slamming them at 8 years old isn’t age appropriate behaviour nor is it anything I’ve witnessed in my 13 years experience of working with children. It’s the result of the work guilty coinciding with the ‘gentle parenting’ fad. But thanks for your input.

If in your experience 80% of children are behaving in this way, you are not in the right job. That’s something office-based with fewer demands would suit you better

Why the arsy response?

It’s very easy to judge parents when you aren’t one. I have a friend who’s an ex nanny. She was telling me the other day about how she used to have a very clear idea on how to parent when a nanny as she thought she’d seen it all, but once she became a parent her whole style changed. Why? Because it’s totally different being a parent than being a nanny.

Im not excusing the poor behaviour, but I assure you that all young children behave badly sometimes and in some environments. Kids are kids, always have been, always will be.

You’re welcome for my input 😀

It sounds like all these kids are acting up in protest because what they really want is to be parented by their parents and for them to be more present. You are just taking the brunt of their frustration at that.

Do you know what gentle parenting is? The problem is many people who think they use gentle parenting are actually just permissive. Gentle parenting has boundaries. My kids have their moments but generally I get so many compliments about their behaviour - on flights/cafes etc. and I would say I try to follow that ethos. I’m not sure why so many people think boundaries need to involve shouting or punishment. They can be held respectfully.

I refute and resent the implication that women working is the cause of this phenomenon. What utter tripe. I returned to work full time from when my child was six months. A friend returned to full time work when all three of her children were three months old. All four of these children were correctly disciplined and cared for and have grown into caring, empathetic, strong, independent adults. The parenting style is the problem. My SIL, a SAHM, indulges in this sort of lazy parenting and guess what, her kids are rapidly turning into twatty adults. It isn't about time spent. It is, as with a lot of things in life, about the quality of that time

Sounds awful. Seriousky what is wrong with people who allow their children to act like this. I agree I do think gentle parenting plays a significant role. The real world isn’t like that.

We had a nanny and I LOVED her. We agreed on boundaries from the beginning (for the kids) and consequences. We acted as a unit so there was consistently. We talked about the kids and changed things as we needed.

My hubby and I both worked but our nanny was part of our family.

My children were well behaved, polite and well manned because we worked together and actually parented.

It isn’t nannies, or working parents or economics. It’s how to choose to raise your children and the way you do it together.

OP don’t give up. There are great families and kids out there and the one you are in don’t deserve you.

I’m guessing if you’ve been doing this job 13 or so years and you are in your late 20s then you haven’t done Alevels or similar.

If you’re looking at a change in career and with your experience in looking after children have you thought about nursing.
You need a degree but
You can do a one year Access to Higher Education in Nursing. Then move on to the degree
Lots of places do them and you can apply now. In fact if you want to do this the start will be September so you have to apply now

here’s a quick explanation from South bank but there’s lots of places to chose from

Sounds awful. You sound lovely but if the parents aren't instilling any boundaries and are failing to back you in front of the children, you can have very little impact.

Plus this from the UCAS website

Atrocious. There are plenty of good parents and plenty of good kids out there. I think the “good” kids are generally being bathed by their own parents the majority of the time, though.

@BooomShakeTheRoom you’re the one being arsy towards OP

@Themanuscript no money on this earth could be enough for me to nanny kids these days, to be honest. Is the pay good?

I’m in my 30s and still in touch with my nanny, she’s like a second grandmother to me. I’m pretty certain I wouldn’t have dreamt of body slamming her.

It isn't about time spent. It is, as with a lot of things in life, about the quality of that time.

To a certain degree. But if the time spent is two hours a fortnight with a nine year old, it doesn’t matter if you’re Mary Poppins. I’ve worked in boarding schools. There are some parents who utterly check out.

No. Its very easy to blame the nanny when youre a shit and/or absent parent.

What OP says explains it all. Parents deign to leave their at home office to ply the kids with sweets so the parents dont have to do anything

This behaviour has become so normalized that it is even featured in a car advert

I was sat on the bus a few days ago, there was a kid sat on the backrest of his seat balancing on his hands with his backside in the air. The mother was completely oblivious/ uninterested. I told him to get down in the end as if the bus had jolted not only could he have badly hurt the people behind him he could have been thrown out the window of the top deck !

He looked me dead in the eye, smirked and shook his head. Kid was about 9 with the attitude of a cocky 30 Yr old. Just vile. And the mother still didn't interject. Far more interested in her phone rather than looking at the half dozen kids running amok........I of course did the adult thing and gave him the middle finger as I got off the bus spent the rest of the journey praying the driver would need to slam the brakes on !!

Rarely has my flabber been so gasted !!

@BooomShakeTheRoom you really think what the op has described is normal behaviour for 8 yr olds?! Body slamming their nanny? Throwing food on the floor? Not normal, sorry. That’s appalling behaviour at that age.

Many many years ago (im 51) when i was a toddler the lady pensioner from the top of our road used to babysit to fill the gap between my dad coming home and DM going out to work. I can tell you that behaviour at this age and older wouldnt have even entered my head Same with DB We wouldnt have dared. She was a lovely babysitter She had the Mollie Sugden hair thing going on

Hard agree.

I went back to work after a year and have had a combination of family care, childminders, wraparound care, and a nanny over the last 12 years.

I am gentle, but have boundaries and high expectations. Both my boys are autistic and have significant challenges. Even my non-verbal boy (7 years old but developmental age of around 2/3) is aware of the boundaries and I absolutely could not accept the behaviour OP describes.

At their most dysregulated their behaviour wouldn’t approach what’s described.

We both worked and our DC behaved well,and did very well at school
They both have a great work ethic which they get from watching us work hard

Good qualified nannies are like gold dust. Do you do trials before taking the family on?

Well said
Blame the working mothers,as usual

What a little idiot

I'm sorry you have been through this and this is all terrible behaviour.

However, these aren't children who have everything. They don't have parents who are actively involved in their upbringing. Material things and bribing with sweets won't make up for that.

I think the issue for this nanny is the working parents situation

If they both work from home they can hear what their kids are doing and when they're being called for and can come out and interfere

It would be better all round if they were out of the house