Crying over children’s behaviour at work

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I’ll preface this by saying there are some wonderful parents out there who parent beautifully with and without limited means and raise lovely, well mannered children and I’ve encountered many over my 13 years experience of nurseries/nannying and schools.

But after the past 5 years, I think I’m finally going to walk away from the childcare industry. I’ve just walked in to the house after being tearful the whole way home and broke down after another day of sheer abuse from the children I nanny. No matter how well I teach and model behaviour, parents are not backing it up. Modern work/life balance is so bad that parents are giving into their children out of guilt and creating children that are unpleasant to be around. There should be no such thing as an unpleasant child! I should not be being hit for not giving them more sweets after they’ve had treats all night because they’ve screamed at me for not originally giving in and their parents have come out of the home office and given in to keep them quiet, undermining me in the process. I should not be having water thrown at me for telling them not to hit eachother in the bath. I should not be looked in the eye while telling a child an instruction or not to hurt another child for them to smirk and not listen and just walk away. These are primary aged children and I’m being shouted at constantly because they aren’t being taught ‘no’ at all.

I’ve worked with disadvantaged children who have come from foster care, poverty and abusive households and none of those children ever treated me as bad as the middle class KS1/2 children in beautiful homes who never go without.

Today an 8 year old child was asked what they wanted for dinner, I made said dinner which they decided they didn’t want and because I would not make an entirely different meal they threw it on the floor and later jumped on me full body weight while we’re sat on the couch. Meanwhile I’ve come home to an empty fridge and bank account and they have no idea how fortunate they are.

this isn’t an isolated thing. Like I said previously, this is 80% of the children in past 5 years. I spend all week trying To instil good behaviour, they don’t see me for 2 days over the weekend and it’s back on to square one on Monday

AIBU to walk away from working with children at all? I expect age appropriate challenging behaviour but I am sick of being abused all evening long every single day.

It’s all in the consistency of the parenting. If a child has security, affection and consistent boundaries then they have an excellent foundation on which to grow. It doesn’t matter in the slightest if parents work full-time or not. Or which social class they are. It’s possible as a parent to be an excellent stay at home parent/single parent/full-time working parent. But the child has to know, bone-deep, that they have the love of a parent (or two) and to be able to see them as a reliable caregiver. Bad behaviour stems partly from anxiety.

How old is your daughter?

I was a nanny in early 2000's and most of kids had parents working full time, but kids were nice.
I have three and I'm SAHM now. My youngest two are lovely, my oldest has SEN so from 3-7yo was a hell (meltdowns), but now is nice too.
I think chilren reflect society.. everyone is always rushing, it's all 'experience', posted on Instagram.
Children copy everything, perhaps they copy parents?

@Proudestmumofone1 what about emotion it can't always be about money. You don't know how your daughter will feel later on about her upbringing from distant working parents. It's very hard to have a balance and have it all. You or your husband can not fulfil all her emotional needs if you are not there to provide it. My grandparents owned hotels and my mother and her siblings grew up to become cold adults. All I can say is good luck.

YANBU op.

I've noticed the same pattern but your noting it won't go down well on MN. 🤦

Perhaps it's time for a complete change? Let's face it, working with kiddies isn't amazingly paid so I bet there are soo many other options that pay the same or better, and don't have you being hit, body slammed, food thrown, etc.

I really feel for nannies, teachers and most people working in any childcare setting.

I'm a parent and you couldn't pay me enough to work with children these days. I regularly witness behaviours that make me want to 'parent' the parents.
Sometimes I feel so sorry for the poor children as the lack of parenting leaves them in such distress ☹️.

I worked as a nanny and I never had such horrible experiences, so I do believe you could find better families. The secret is finding good parents. The children I looked after would also misbehave but every time they were mean to me their parents intervened to make them understand that their behaviour was unacceptable. There have been times when I became frustrated with the children or didn’t make the best decisions but the parents were on my side because they understood the importance of not undermining me.
I think it’s important to discuss their parenting style at interview stage and to go through various scenarios to see how the parents would respond

Rich people outsourcing the shitty parts of raising kids to the 'help' is hardly a new trend is it,it's been going on for centuries.

If you have enough money, you don't have to deal with your childrens' whining and tantrums in the same way you don't have to mow your own lawns or do your own taxes if you don't want to.

They're employing you to do the hard yards for them, and they get to pop in and out, enjoying the nice bits on their own terms.

I'm sure there are plenty of parents out there who can both afford a nanny and take a personal interest in disciplining their children, you just have to work out how to spot them early.

Very bluntly, you are just plain wrong.

A child who is defiant, throws food, and jumps on an adult at age 8 is a child whose development is seriously arrested. Children should be well settled into acceptable behavior by age 7/8.

Energy is something children need to be actively taught to control, beginning at toddler age. It's not an excuse for atrocious behaviour.

Ego needs to be actively pointed in the right direction too. The idea that children can be let run amok but they'll turn out OK in the end, develop a sense of consideration for others, and start listening and developing the resilience to cope with the word No is a case of denial, I fear.

Children crying and screaming to get their own way are crying and screaming for an adult to take charge and teach them to be regulated.

Hats off to you. You sound like a really superb professional.

None of the behaviour you've described here is normal or acceptable.

You're getting a walloping here from people whose opinions are frankly insulting.

I wouldn't renew my contract with this family either.

If you are able to retrain, would you consider social work, a bachelors degree in management, or (children's) nursing?

It's not wise to do this when you're relying on these people for references.

This is hilarious - how do you know I’m “distant”? How do you know we “cannot fulfill her emotional needs”?

I would say I spend more time with my daughter than 90% of my friends (the other 10% being SAHPs). I would also say that she is one of the most emotionally aware, attuned and empathetic children (as constantly commented on by teachers).

these judgements are exactly the issue I was highlighting - just because people work and have a nanny, does not mean they are “bad” parents.

Working and “a big house” doesn’t = awfully behaved children.

I would honestly do paediatric nursing.

An 8 year old throwing a dinner on the floor is not ok.

The OPs response wasn’t arsey. You’re the one being prickly.

Sorry this has happened to you OP, being bodyslammed then being unsupported afterwards is a horrible way to be treated at work. I hope you have a better day today.

@Proudestmumofone1 I feel as you do, that I am proud to show my daughter (and my son) that I can work and be a good parent, and put effort and focus into both those elements. However because women are so judged by society for whatever they do, I find that this always raises a defensive response, it’s disheartening. I am glad other women are mothers and also doctors or nurses or pilots or lawyers or retail workers, also glad if women or men are fulfilled stay at home parents, I want all these role models for my children. We should celebrate being proud of our own path as you do.

I was going to respond but you’ve reply was far more articulate than I could have written.

It's been proven than sending kids to nursery under the age of 2 years is detrimental to their wellbeing.

Many parents have to send them anyway. Other parents choose to send them anyway.

Unfortunately, children are rarely prioritised in our society. We need better parental leave etc.

You sound resentful and jealous of these 'middle-class families'. There are good and parents across the social spectrum; it has nothing to do with wealth. I recommend you change career.

My view is there’s a belief amongst many that believes that any parenting that isn’t “gentle” is abusive, or at least borderline so.

For many children, gentle parenting (and I don’t mean permissive parenting) does work, and if it does, it’s the ideal. It has with my two for instance, or at least has done 99% of the time. But there are some children who, frankly, need harsher parenting and more discipline. I’m not talking about thrashing them with a belt til their black and blue, but if a child has become an unruly, unkind bully who is uncontrollable and scoffs at their parent/carer, then in my view that parent/carer needs to dial up the discipline as far as necessary to exert reasonable parental boundaries…. The problem comes when parents are too weak or too empathetic to do this. If that involves shouting, or even in extreme cases administering a smack, then so be it. But too many of us are too squeamish to do that these days.

I should add that’s how I was bought up, and there were occasions when I was a shit and completely disrespected my parents, and I’m grateful for them for not being “gentle” and getting me back in line. I should also add I had a great relationship with my parents, in large part because I knew the boundaries, and that there would be consequences if I disregarded them.

I have seen that with my grand children and nieces and nephews - the daughter in laws who are stricter have children who are easier to have visiting will eat most things, behave when we say no and easier at bedtime. The others believe in soft parenting and children are very fussy about what they eat, sulk if we say no and have a very complicated bedtime routine.

Crying and screaming to get their own way and bounding at people on the sofa is not normal behaviour in primary aged kids 😳😳
That should have been nipped in the bud when they were like, 2. And they very quickly learn no point crying /screaming to get their own way if it does not get them their own way!!
And there should absolutely be consequences for them even trying the screaming to get their own way!!
If you think this is normal you are very much part of the problem

‘Cut out’ wasn’t the right frame of words. I just think if you’re finding the behaviour too difficult and you don’t feel you can manage it - maybe it’s not for you. It does sound like very hard work indeed.

I agree. Some of the worst behaviour we have in our school is the children of families where both parents are working and earning high salaries. They just throw money at the children instead of doing the hard work of proper parenting.

I think it's the permissive parenting rather than both parents working full time.

I'm saying this as I grew up in communist Eastern Europe, where everyone worked equally - men and women, all full time, from very early on (i.e. short mat leave).
This was the case with the entire country (and the countries around us), and there weren't behavioural problems like you see nowadays, let alone widespread.