Crying over children’s behaviour at work

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I’ll preface this by saying there are some wonderful parents out there who parent beautifully with and without limited means and raise lovely, well mannered children and I’ve encountered many over my 13 years experience of nurseries/nannying and schools.

But after the past 5 years, I think I’m finally going to walk away from the childcare industry. I’ve just walked in to the house after being tearful the whole way home and broke down after another day of sheer abuse from the children I nanny. No matter how well I teach and model behaviour, parents are not backing it up. Modern work/life balance is so bad that parents are giving into their children out of guilt and creating children that are unpleasant to be around. There should be no such thing as an unpleasant child! I should not be being hit for not giving them more sweets after they’ve had treats all night because they’ve screamed at me for not originally giving in and their parents have come out of the home office and given in to keep them quiet, undermining me in the process. I should not be having water thrown at me for telling them not to hit eachother in the bath. I should not be looked in the eye while telling a child an instruction or not to hurt another child for them to smirk and not listen and just walk away. These are primary aged children and I’m being shouted at constantly because they aren’t being taught ‘no’ at all.

I’ve worked with disadvantaged children who have come from foster care, poverty and abusive households and none of those children ever treated me as bad as the middle class KS1/2 children in beautiful homes who never go without.

Today an 8 year old child was asked what they wanted for dinner, I made said dinner which they decided they didn’t want and because I would not make an entirely different meal they threw it on the floor and later jumped on me full body weight while we’re sat on the couch. Meanwhile I’ve come home to an empty fridge and bank account and they have no idea how fortunate they are.

this isn’t an isolated thing. Like I said previously, this is 80% of the children in past 5 years. I spend all week trying To instil good behaviour, they don’t see me for 2 days over the weekend and it’s back on to square one on Monday

AIBU to walk away from working with children at all? I expect age appropriate challenging behaviour but I am sick of being abused all evening long every single day.

To summarise....... many parents are crap parents but don't realise they are crap so don't realise their children are little shits or choose to excuse the poor behaviour.

Many crap parents (who don't realise they are crap) post on threads such as this with anecdotal evidence to dismiss the OP and anyone who is not in agreement with.

Putting babies into a childcare setting at 3/4 months is nothing to be proud of.

You don't need to put your career first to pass on a good work ethic.

Quality time is subjective.

When you go for your next job interview, remember that you are choosing them as much as they are choosing you.
Ask them about their parenting style. Explain that it’s important you agree about discipline etc so as not to undermine each other. Say that you expect their support as much as they should be able to expect yours.

Your current position sounds grim. Start looking for a new role now and resign asap.

Good luck!

Childrens behaviour has massively declined over the last few years.

I personally wouldn’t have been badly behaved as my mum would have been furious, my own children behave most of the time with an odd blip , last week at work I was told to fuck off from a 4 year old.. I’ve been hit and kicked by children who should know better. These children have no ASN.

behvaiour is terrible and it’s down to parental guidance. We have parents who don’t say no to their children and have requested we don’t say no too! 😂

I personally wouldn’t have been badly behaved as my mum would have been furious

I think part of the problem is that many people think we shouldn’t ever be “furious” with our children, whatever they do, as it might damage their ego and esteem, and they may feel hurt…. And that we should suppress our feelings and remain calm at all times irrespective of the provocation.

That just leads to some kids thinking they can do whatever the hell they like.

I came to say the same. I was a part time nanny for my last couple of years at uni. I turned down two families before finding the right fit.

I knew for example that I would find it very difficult to work in a family where I didn’t feel they were being parented well whether that was too spoiled, too harsh, emotionally neglectful or obvious favouritism.

I knew I wanted to work with a family who were loving and had clear boundaries and rules for me to uphold but also willing to give me some free reign beyond those non negotiables to figure what worked best.

That means asking lots of questions, asking what the routine was, whether they were allowed to watch tv and for how long, whether homework had to be done etc. You are seeing if they even have any boundaries and routine for one thing and if they do whether they seem sane and work for you.

I was lucky to find a lovely family with two funny, happy primary school girls who I ended up looking after for the rest of my time in that city. They valued and respected me and my input and were considerate and generous in return.

Interview them!

If I could give this comment a thousand ''Likes'', I would.

I think private schools (as they are now) have a lot to answer for here, in conjunction with some appalling parenting.

I worked in two as a second career, teaching years 7-13 (mostly older years) and both schools really hated parental complaints, even totally unjustified ones. The corollary of this is that the children of known complainers got handled with kid gloves.

However, I don’t think the majority of children or parents are appalling, most of them were really nice (or I wouldn’t have stuck it out for a decade). But there is a meaningful minority of pupils and parents who thought their teachers were an extension of the domestic staff (not that that is an excuse, anyway). Demands were made for revision notes, detentions revoked, tests postponed because their daughter had been in the school play, term time holidays etc etc. And, if a parent complained, however trivially, there were always endless meetings, extra lesson observations and sometimes having to apologise for having just told a pupil off perfectly reasonably.
And SLT generally acquiesced to the parents, because they needed the fees to keep rolling in.

I was privately educated many years ago and I can assure you that we had to respect the teachers. If I had told a teacher to print extra revision notes because ‘I am paying you’, I think I would have been cleaning the lab sinks for a week. But these days that kind of behaviour has become normalised.

I was quite a stroppy old teacher and didn’t take too much crap, mainly because, ultimately, I wasn’t doing it for the money. And I think I was actually respected for it. But virtually every parents’ evening one or two of the younger teachers were left in tears by parents haranguing them.

I do recognise what OP is saying here.

I agree with this. I'm in my 30s, both my parents worked full time and I was with a childminder around primary school, so I really only saw them at the weekend (especially my dad) but I was firmly parented. In some ways I disagree with (primary school teachers used to scream at the kids sometimes and I was smacked by the childminder). DH and I sometimes tear our hair out at our 4 year olds behaviour and wonder why we were never really like that. I think the answer is that someone would have hit us by that point. I'm not saying I think this was a good thing AT ALL and obviously there is a middle ground between shouty/threatening parenting and permissive parenting, but I see a lot of parents where we live doing the latter. This morning at a class with my kids I took a water bottle off my 18 month old because he was pouring water on the floor which led him to have a tantrum (obviously I cuddled and distracted), but the look i was given by several well-meaning people was that I had done something appalling.

Working and “a big house” doesn’t = awfully behaved children.

There could be a deficit even sahp have deficits in there parenting why should you be different? The only people who will judge us is our children not strangers on the internet. I won't be the one banging on your table and you won't be banging on mine.

I would also say that she is one of the most emotionally aware, attuned and empathetic children (as constantly commented on by teachers).

I don't know if this is a good or a bad way to feel at a young age I don't know her. All I know is you work to keep a big house going to pay the mortgage and bills every month.

OP, I hear you. My children go to school in a v privileged area (state school) and I see this behaviour all the time from their class mates. It is insane and I absolutely detest it. The entitlement from even very young children is staggering. Sure, all children will 'test boundaries' but surely that is where parents come in to reaffirm that boundary, not give in to it?

I am not a perfect parent by any means, I have had years where I have worked too much and have been short and snappy. I don't cook organic well balanced diets all the time. I give them too much screen time and I didn't breast feed. I have also handled the makeup of my family wrong many a times (white privilege) etc etc. I get it wrong alot. But I do parent them. I teach them right from wrong, how to treat others and their behaviour have consequences, good and bad. I have kids with beautiful & respectful manners, I'd be mortified if they were badly behaved. And to another poster who said throwing food/water etc was normal...I am not sure. That would never happen in my house. I have children with adhd etc and it is hard work at times, but they are respectful, kind and aware of others. They don't chat back, they respect boundaries and do what is asked of them (with some prompts and reminders for the adhd one).

I was thinking this. Both DH and I worked full time, after 41/2 months maternity leave, as did most of my friends. Working in school, it’s shocking how some parents give in to their DC demands, even witnessed families where DC choose holiday destinations! Parents need to learn the word ‘no’ and stick to it.

This made me laugh- people always assume that badly behaved kids are working class. Yet when I lived in a very MC area of Cheshire, the amount of screaming and crying kids running around pubs, with their floaty Boden dress-wearing mums calling "Oliver! Oliver darling! Don't do that! Come on darling! Oliver! Don't bite darling! Please don't throw your cup Florence darling!" Etc was unbelievable!

My goodness. At my boarding school any sort of dissent would have you denied town leave for the week. And I would more be praying they didn't tell my parents!!

You should DEFINITELY not have to tolerate this...Outrageous!

Unfortunately it's a sign of the times.
A huge sense of entitlement...and teachers are getting the brunt of all this too!
Just my opinion but I'd find another direction to focus on.
Something to give you a feeling of satisfaction not constant stress!!

I’m paid £13 p/h. It’s after school hours.

‘Cut out’ wasn’t the right frame of words. I just think if you’re finding the behaviour too difficult and you don’t feel you can manage it - maybe it’s not for you.

You still haven’t achieved the right frame of words. Who wouldn’t find it difficult to be repeatedly disrespected and receive verbal abuse every day? No one should have to put up with daily physical violence at work whether it be from an adult or a child

Are we seriously saying that because OP doesn't want to go to work and be physically or verbally assaulted, she isn't cut out for the job?

This is why there is a lack of teachers and other child care workers - parents literally think we deserve to be hit and sworn at or shouted at because that's what we all signed up for.

This thread is getting ridiculous. OP doesn’t seem to have discussed behaviour management/discipline with the parents.
You can’t control what children do. You can control your reaction to it.

That is poor behaviour and I wouldn’t be letting mine get away with that and if they were that rude to a nanny or other adult there would be repercussions. I agree that people often let their kids get away with really poor behaviour (as can be seen by the deterioration of behaviour in primary schools). I also think there can be lower expectations of boys than girls with the ‘boys can be boys’ type excuse.

That said, I suspect you’ll be seeing those children at their worst if you do after school hours. I agree with others that you might prefer younger kids during the day where you’ve got more of a chance to see them at their best but also shape their day a bit more. You could also be charging a lot more I think for after school care. It is such a premium and hard to find an adterschool nanny. I pay £34 for my two to go to wrap around at school. I think you are massively undercharging at £13 an hour.

Discuss behaviour with the parents? WOW. Why didn’t I think of that? …🙄

Well you never mentioned it you just said they didn’t back you up which implied that you hadn’t agreed on how you were gonna work together if I got that wrong I apologise

I understand you have much experience in child care but seriously consider care in a nursing/care home setting. Or is maybe in a school or care home specifically for disabled or ill children. You will have colleagues to support you and the money will be the same if not better.

I see it all the time: parents staring at their phones and ignoring their kids. God knows how much time is wasted on phones that could instead be used to parent children. So many children growing up undisciplined and feeling uncared for because their parents would rather spend time with their phones than their own kids. It’s heartbreaking.

@Proudestmumofone1

If you are only seen as worth minimum wage, and only for a couple hours a day, then no wonder there’s no respect from anyone in the family (parents included).

Really? Not worthy of respect if you only earn minimum wage? What a nasty person you are.