I think SS is hurting my baby

[GreenPinkLilac]

I have an SS, 6, two older SC and a baby who is nearly 1. When my baby was about three months old I saw SS squeezing her legs too hard. She was in a bouncy chair in the kitchen whilst I cooked and he was crouched in front of her and didn’t know I was watching. He did it twice, it was hard enough to leave bruises and he admitted it when I stopped him. Obviously I was very angry and upset but didn’t get cross with him, talked it through and watched him like a hawk for months afterwards. His dad was furious too.

Last weekend SC were here and the baby now has bruises all over her legs which look a lot like finger marks. Nursery have written up an incident report. I am as sure as it’s possible to be that it wouldn’t be the older SC, and I don’t see how the marks could have been made other than by squeezing.

I’ve known SS since he was a toddler and he’s very attached to me so it makes sense that he would be jealous because the baby takes up my time, but I cannot have this happen again. He is a high needs, high energy child who gets more 1:1 attention than anyone else when he’s in our house, but can never get enough attention.

Please talk me through an appropriate approach because I am beyond furious right now.

@GreenPinkLilac Oh god this whole situation sounds really hard, for everyone. You sound like a really loving parent and step parent op.

This might be totally wrong, but I'm just thinking reading through...

It sounds as your SS very likely has some form of additional needs, have you ever noticed any "sensory" type behaviour? I only say because if the baby wasn't crying in either instance (and you mentioned she generally isn't one to cry much) could he be squeezing her and genuinely not realising he's hurting her?

Babies bring out a really strange "smush" response in some people - like an urge to (not violently) smush their little faces or "gobble them up" or squeeze them.

Obviously this is something regulated adults know not to actually do and I'm absolutely not excusing him hurting the baby/leaving marks. This is serious and needs addressing.

I just mean, if he's a young kid with some additional needs and the baby wasn't obviously in distress, is it at all possible that although he's absolutely acting inappropriately, that it may not be "malicious" so to speak?

You'd think the baby would cry out in pain if someone was causing bruising? I'm not saying it wasn't him but I'm just surprised it wouldn't have been heard, even if not seen.
Definitely don't trust them with the baby but you already know that. Maybe the older one needs to speak to a counsellor or therapist? If they're doing harmful behaviour.

That would be a good situation to consider, but he also tries to hurt his older siblings which makes the ‘baby smushing’ quite implausible for the reason.

You absolutely are excusing the behaviour . OP needs to protect the baby , whatever the needs or intent are. As above he also hurts his siblings .

I find the opposite. MN is really complacent towards blood-sibling violence (I've posted before about being battered by my younger siblings and been told it's just what siblings do, they hated being an only so would've loved a sibling even if they were "a bit rough", that you can't expect parents to keep an eye 24/7, that I'd be thankful to have siblings in old age etc etc etc), whereas when it's a step-sibling doing it, it's all "go mama bear, protect your own child, banish the little shit for all eternity and fuck anyone who says otherwise, even the kid's father".

OP, what are you going to do about it?

It sounds like you are quite supportive of him, so work with the school. Tell them about his behaviour at home and your concerns over social interactions. The class teacher can monitor this (they might already be doing so) plus make sure he is engaged in topics like PSHE where things like empathy and emotions are dealt with. They might also have groups for children with social needs or can take him out for 1:1 time and intervention. I would suggest it's better to raise any concerns sooner rather than later to keep track of.

I thought that, it's why I hesitated posting, but the things with the siblings seems different almost, more like general attention seeking/sibling rivalry kind of behaviour?

I'm probably way off base and either way it needs addressing of course. I was just trying to think of a different angle, I guess.

Well what can you expect really ? A mama bear will protect their cubs . Step siblings or daughters / sons etc are not blood, it makes a big difference . Usually the father is more than useless in these situations.

Step mums are berated on here if they try to help the step children and treat them as their own( aka discipline ) or if they don’t.

Personally if these were both my own blood children I would separate them .

I'm not excusing it at all, hence why my post states (more than once) that either way it still needs dealing with. I was just expressing a trail of thought/possible situation.

Re the baby not crying-

I have 2 very fair, very light skinned children who as babies/toddlers bruised very very easily. We used to say "like a peach" I once left a bruise on DC wrist when pulling him back from running in the road and he barely registered it but left very clear finger prints. I was so upset.

But I just wanted to point out that just because baby didn't cry doesn't mean it didn't happen.

I would absolutely not give him another opportunity alone with baby at all.

And it doesn't matter if he is step or not-he is hurting the baby.

He really needs to be assessed for ADHD IMO, going by everything you've said.

This is a good start. But actually if you suspect ADHD I'd just go more in on this.

For the rules - make it really clear and break it down more/provide more reminders than you usually would.

Reward charts great. Exercise great. Diet is probably not going to have much effect if it is not being followed on the other days, so I'd probably go with making sure that he's eating enough/little and often rather than worrying overly about it being healthy. My 6yo (diagnosed ADHD) really needs prompting to use the toilet regularly as well as eating because I think he doesn't pay attention to his body sensations so he doesn't know that he needs to go, but it will put him into a rotten antagonistic mood if he does and he is ignoring it. We actually have trying for a poo as part of the bedtime routine which has helped a lot.

You want to rely much more on positive reinforcement than negative. And curiosity I find helps a lot too. The problem is that if he is doing it out of some kind of desire for revenge or because it brings him a sense of power or control, then the more you come down on the behaviour and shame the behaviour, the more he is going to want to do things which bring him that sense of power or control.

I think this will be difficult to do when you have the relationship that you do - when DS2 (the ADHD 6yo) was 3 and his brother DS3 was newborn, he bit his fingers a few times. Not hard, but hard enough to hurt. Because they were both mine (? maybe?) it wasn't too hard for me to remain neutral and approach it with a curiosity angle rather than getting angry at DS2 or punishing him. Once we had talked about it, all I had to do was say something like "I'm worried about your mouth being close to his hands. I'm worried that you might be thinking about biting him." and it helped to dissipate the feeling and maybe also the urge. Sometimes children (especially children with ADHD) do something just because the thought enters their mind and they want to see what will happen. I think that can be true even when it's something they know that adults won't be happy about and deliberately hide from them - it's not purely an impulsive thing, it can be curiosity over a longer period of time. So if you can possibly approach it from an angle of - don't give him a chance to lie about it, just present him with the information that you know, and let him know you're not telling him off/he's not in trouble as such, but you don't like the baby getting hurt. You know he likes the baby and he likes being a great big brother so what's going on, and could you figure out a plan together to deal with it?

OTOH I remember a longer time ago when I was helping my SIL out with my nephew, helping him with his homework which was tricky for them to manage and he seemed to respond better to me being his aunt rather than his parent. But then he did something to hurt DS1 and although it was totally unrelated I was just so furious I could not bring myself to help him any more.

Of course a stepchild relationship is different to both, I'm not saying this to suggest you are like an aunt, just that it can be really hard to do the neutral approach when you're feeling so strongly protective.

Another helpful thing to do BTW is to encourage him to do things which will give him a sense of autonomy and competence, so basically encouraging him in any interests/talents that he has, giving him responsibilities (e.g. chores) etc. Autonomy and competence is most likely what children are looking for when they are engaging in things that seem to be a power/control thing.

I don’t see anyone excusing his behaviour. They are trying to find reasons for it, not excuses. They are different.
OP has already says he acts this way when he doesn’t get attention. Coming down on him like a ton of bricks is likely to make him feel worse and he will act out even more. Not a great outcome is it?

The way some people are talking about a little child who has, and continues to have a chaotic and tumultuous upbringing beggars belief

I see what you mean, but I had one or two instances with my own children, I shut that nonsense down quickly and they are as close as can be now. There is no excusing violence between siblings, at all.

Except that there's no expectation, according to MN, for "mama bear" to protect her cubs if it's a blood-sibling attacking them. Only if it's an outsider.

It's why I don't believe in blended families. Too much "mama bearing".

I did actually think the "baby smushing" could be a thing too but I think if it was genuinely unintentional, he would not hide it from the adults. He would do it in front of them. So I would guess that it might stem partially from this (babies DO look fun to squish, of course we don't do it as we know it would hurt them!) and partially from a sense of "This makes me feel powerful".

Remember he's only six so it's probably not that deep. But since it is likely impossible to separate them 100% of the time it needs addressing and IME, it is most effective if you start by seeing the point of view of the aggressor. I understand that does not seem particularly just, but this is not about justice, it is about achieving a result which is harmonious long term for everyone, especially the victim.

if you and your husband believe the children are being shunted from pillar to post and while their mother “does her best” but it’s no good for the youngest as he is shunted around multiple homes with different expectations.
and you believe he needs a stable environment maybe your husband should review his custody agreement and look after his children more than 2 days in 14…

7 days in 14 you could comfortably implement what you’ve outlined above.

What does his father have to say about his behaviour? He's barely been mentioned in this thread. Ultimately he has more responsibility for dealing with this that you do OP. I wouldn't have your SS in your house , it's not worth the risk to your baby. Your S isn't your problem to deal with, but your baby is your responsibility to protect

You think having separated parents and new siblings is such a chaotic environment that reasons should be found for why a 6 year old!! is hurting a baby.. because he isn’t get enough attention? We are not talking about a 2/3 year old who may feel jealousy and can’t articulate their feelings ffs. And yes I would come down on mine like a ton of bricks, they would not hurt a baby again.

Regardless of what the child has been or should be assessed for or diagnosed with, it doesn’t change the fact of his behaviour. You can understand it but the child needs to learn, over and over, that their want for attention does not trump his siblings need for safety. If this means he gets much less (ie, none) 1:1 time with OP then it’s just going to be part of a very steep learning curve.

He's a 6yo.
"Intentionally and slyly", as per PP, hurting a baby?
The child would have to be on a good way to become a sociopath, the least.
It's hard to read.

I’d put up cameras. Not secret cameras. I’d put up “right children, listen up, there’s a camera, here’s a camera, there’s also one up there” kind of cameras. Way out of reach.
I’d say something along the lines of “DD had bruises on her legs and her nursery wants to know how they’re getting there so we’ve got to show them the cameras every week”. Or make something up completely.
But I’d be letting all children know there are now cameras in the communal areas and show them proof of them working on your phone.
I’d then never leave DD on the floor or alone in a room without a camera when SS is there.

This is really difficult, and you are very understanding of the pressures your SS is under, but your baby has to be your priority.

My brother was an awful bully, and excuesed as he was jealous, couldn't cope without having all my mums attention. So he got more attention, but was still mean to me. We have no relationship at all now, as he grew up to be a nasty entitled man.

Your SS could end up the same way - he needs boundaries, and even if it's only 2 days a fortnight in your house, you need to apply them. No hitting, no bullying, and not demanding to be the centre of attention all the time. He needs new consequences as sending him to his room isn't working.

While he may not be able to do much damage to his older siblings, they need to feel safe and comfortable too, and it does sound as if everyone is expected to pandeto the 6 year old.

I totally with everything you say about him needing boundeting, suggesting Cubscetc - you can still sign him up to clubs, he'll go every second week, which can't be that unusual. It will give him some structure, and give his older siblings a break from him.

I know you don't want to put a camera in, but I think it's a good idea. You could get a nanny cam in a teddy which can just sit on the floor by the baby. You might be very happy to evidence that it's your SS harming your baby, not you, not your husband and not the other SCs. Also if you have evidence he can't deny, so you can have a proper chat about why he's doing it, why it's so unkind etc.

I haven't seen my brother in about 10 years, but I do wonder if we'd have had an adult sibling link if he had been disciplined as a child, and if his bullying was treated seriously and stopped.

I'd have a camera on as well, to check later if necessary.

Agree with this. When one child is acting out for attention, who already gets an extra dose of special 1:1 attention, I think it’s high time to put the foot down.

No SS, while we are not being nice to all our siblings we will only be spending time all together/making sure everyone gets equal 1:1 time. It’s not fair that you get this special time and older siblings do not. Everyone must have their turn to feel special and everyone deserves attention/must learn to share time fairly without getting angry.

My violent brother definitely became worse because he was enabled. His diagnosis explained why he struggled, but rather than give him better tools and help shape him it was then accepted that his violent outbursts were something we all had to live with. Even as a man he didn’t have to challenge his own behaviour or try to do better. It’s incredibly difficult to be on the receiving end of this.