It wasn’t my fault MIL missed an important appointment ???

[Missedapp]

Last week MIL asked for a lift to a hospital appt today. Neither of us could do it due to other commitments. She was annoyed but was going to get a taxi.

Dh had work then was going to be picking youngest up from nursery and I was also busy and out of the area.

When I got home at lunchtime and looked at my phone I had missed calls and messages MIL saying she couldn’t get a taxi , DH saying his mum needed a lift he needed me to get ds from nursery instead etc but I didn’t hear my phone and so it turns out DH couldn’t help her and she didn’t go. It’s my fault apparently and ‘what’s the point having a phone ‘ then MIL saying i deliberately ignored them both !

I was busy and rushing about , it was noisy and I had my phone in my bag and on silent. I had checked it around 930 I think but all these calls and messages were from 1030 onwards and I’d got home at 1

So he has to book leave from work every time his mum needs taking somewhere? Some people cannot just take leave when they want to. My leave is valuable and I would assist my parent to be proactive and look at various means of travel where they could be independent and not rely on someone to take them every time. Bus, train, taxi etc

So superior and condescending.

For people who can't go by taxi or who need accompanying for whatever reason, sure, it'd be nice to do this, but what do you think of the fact that the MIL initially said she was going to get a taxi i.e. is perfectly capable of doing so?

Sometimes …..when I don’t “hear” my phone or I “don’t have my phone with me “ ….it is because I can see the messages/ texts requiring me to drop everything and help/ manage/ sort-out/ rescue…in a situation just like this …. Where I have explained I won’t be available/ it’s not my problem/ they are calling me because they can’t be bothered to sort out their own problems and expect me to deal with it….
If a message arrived with a real emergency I would immediately respond.
I can see the messages on the front of my phone from the Notification Centre so I haven’t “opened” them …..

Not saying the OP or anyone else does this..

It's your MIL or DH fault, one of them should have ordered a taxi well in advance.

No not every time at all. For a hospital appointment which can often (not always) be quite an anxious thing for people. Im not trying to be superior at all - I know my family would do the same for me. I might find it a bit of a pain, inconvienient, be silently be a bit grumpy about it, I'm no saint. But it's what we do for people we love isn't it?

Sounds more like they were annoyed that they couldn’t badger you into doing what you MIL wanted you to do, rather than be uncontactable.

Tbh, despite the short term hassle and arguing, I think it's a good thing that this has happened. You told her you weren't available and your reasons why, she failed to prepare properly and get herself there, and instead of jumping when she clicked her fingers due to her own disorganisation, you were not available as you had said you wouldn't be.
So lesson learned. She will know in future, if you aren't available, you aren't available. I know that sounds a bit cold hearted but some people can become quite emotionally manipulative and have everyone jumping and dancing around them which can be exhausting when said people have many other commitments. And she's obviously capable of getting stuff done for herself, she would just rather not.

She is an adult. Unless she has some sort of cognitive disability it should be within her power to figure out how to get herself to the doctor. Even if she had reached you it's unlikely you would have been able to help because you'd already told her you weren't available.

I agree with the majority - this is nothing to do with you and don't let MIL make you feel guilty!

She must remember that we all managed before mobile phones! Some days I can't look at mine for the whole day as I'm in a secure area where no electronics are allowed. In an emergency the nursery or school would call DH or my mum and they knew how to make contact with me if needed but would only do it in a dire emergency.

MIL only asked for a lift last week? Surely most people would need more notice, as they might have commitments, ie work, kids, etc. So no it’s not your fault. MIL should have asked earlier, or sort the taxi few days before.

MIL is batshit

Plus I don't believe she even booked a taxi

I think she wanted a free ride the whole time

No Ubers around here but plenty of taxi companies!

How does your MIL normally get to places, @Missedapp ?

If it was that important she should have pre booked a cab, not your fault

This MIL was 'annoyed', not anxious.

I agree but I think we're in the minority!

I think it's nice to have a companion at a hospital appointment, although her son should have been the first port of call here, not her.

Does that mean you expect people to rearrange their own plans to make your visit nice? Possibly take a (half) day’s holiday from work? Is it also nice to have a debrief cup of tea back at home afterwards?

Even if you had heard your phone, it does not necessarily follow that you are available; for instance, your job could involve travel, and you could be too far away to double back, or even stop the train you were on.
Not every location has good reception; in a quirk of the construction of my last formroom, the metal roofbeams formed what I believe is called a Faraday Cage, and I would have my phone turned off during lesson time anyway, with the school secretary coming to fetch me in a true emergency.
But as other PP's have already said, it was probably a salutary reminder that she needs to take responsibility for her own arrangements. You are not the minion at her beck and call, and her attempt to engineer the "damsel in distress" situation, whether intentionally or not, has backfired on her.

So you’d be happy if you were in a GP consultation, or parents evening, or dentist’s chair, or being given a cancer diagnosis, or in the middle of a wedding/funeral/christening for a mobile phone to go off, possibly repeatedly , even if it was ignored?!

You’d very much be in a minority if so…

I am often out of contact for several hours a day. I’d lose my job and look wholly unprofessional if I checked my phone during client meetings.

Ridiculous why would you suddenly be available when you weren't available before. Mil should have been more organised. I'd tell her she can sort her own transport out going forward.

No...I do or rather did it for my inlaws if I wasn't at work.

And yes, would sometimes have a cuppa afterwards.

It was only every couple of months; not several times a week

is it just my area where you can’t pre book a taxi? And Ubers and taxi drivers are the same cars so saying “she should have booked an Uber instead” is useless?

YANBU for not being able to help but I can see why she panicked and tried to people. I’ve been there myself with hospital appts. I normally get there an hour early because taxis here are so unreliable.

Yes, this really.
You and your DH made it clear enough that you weren't able to help on this occasion.

Also the title of the post describes this as an "important" hospital appointment...ie not just being signed back as fit or a blood test.

Not sure why her son wouldn't take time off work and take her. Most employers are reasonable if it's an important appointment

If it was that important she should have made sure she could get there after being told they couldn't take her.