To think drinking daily is not “normal”

[Lemonteas]

DH drinks most days, nothing much but a couple of pints. He’s also a big wine lover, and I like wine, but can take it or leave it. He has made comments that he wishes we had more date nights with wine, preferably weekly. I would be up for doing it every two weeks, I’m just not a big drinker — I got it very much out of my system in a big way when I was younger and have had several family members die due to alcoholism, so it’s something I’m wary about and personally keep it strictly to socialising.

Tonight, unrelated to his specific drinking habits, we were discussing a mutual friend who drinks a bottle of wine each day. I commented that it sounds like a slippery slope. He immediately got defensive and said that my attitude to drinking is unusual and that “it’s perfectly normal for people to drink everyday.” I cannot relate to this and maybe it is my own personal experience being that the people I’ve known drink daily have all had terrible battles with alcoholism, and the fact that beyond that, I just don’t ever feel an urge to drink it at home.

I’d like to understand if my attitudes are indeed wrong; I don’t judge but I think I’m easily concerned and biased due to personal experiences, or if he’s possibly being defensive due to the fact he himself drinks every day?

Your DH is a fool. The NHS reduced their "advisable norms" for drinking to 14 units per week for men & women, with complete abstinence on some days.

There's 9 units in the average bottle of wine, 2-3 units in a pint of beer.

If your DH drinks 2 points of bitter a day, that is at least 4 units a day or 28 a week. Just in beer, he's already drinking twice the recommended amount. Lager is generally stronger. Two pints have about 360 calories as well, so he is going to damage his liver and gain a beer gut unless he does a seriously physical job.

It may be normal for his social circle but not in mine. It's a bad idea health-wise, and the fact he gets defensive over it, implies he probably drinks more than you know about. I hope he doesn't rely on his driving licence. I grew up in a pub and have watched too many people screw up their lives with alcohol.

Of course he's telling you what he does is normal; he's justifying it. One bottle of wine a night is ridiculous but we have a huge drinking problem in this country and it's normalised

Sounds like he has a very real problem with alcohol and is therefore being defensive.

Apart from being a health worry it sounds so boring for you - his need for alcohol as a crutch all the time, him trying to make you feel as if you are the one with the issue..

Normal fifty or sixty years ago along with frying in lard and smoking

Thank you, for me the thing that bothers me most is him telling me on several occasions that he wishes we drank more together as it’s something he enjoys doing. I don’t want to increase my alcohol consumption, and wont, but feel like he makes out I’m abnormal for my relationship (or lack of) to alcohol.

I think it’s quite common, but it shouldn’t be normal.

It's common. I know plenty of people from different walks of life that do drink almost every night in varying amounts and they're not all alcoholics. I think they have a dependency but some could stop if they wanted to. Some couldn't.

I'd say your DH is definitely defensive about his own drinking. Like junk and ultra processed food every day, it's not good for you and shouldn't be normalised. It's annoying and unhelpful to judge or lecture others but, if it comes up, I don't think we should pretend it's not harmful.

Trying to get someone else to drink more so that you can comfortably drink more is a real red flag.

Drinkers love company. Go on just have one! It sounds like your DH has a problem and he'd like you to normalise his drinking. Anyone who drinks a bottle of wine a day has a big problem.

This is complete nonsense. A bottle of average strength wine (say 12%) is the equivalent of three pints of medium strength lager. Mild level of elevation. Not to mention might be spread over lunchtime with food, early evening meal with food, and nightcap (although not in DH situation). What is going on with this bizarre puritanism? (Look at studies for drinking of red wine in Mediterranean countries - mild daily red wine consumption there massively effective against heart disease - side-effecf, admittedly 😲).

Your DH senses an unreasonable encroachment on his extremely minor enjoyment and is pushing back. OP can't keep her neck in trying to control her other half. Leave him alone. In fact, wait until you have an actual problem to contend with. I never understand women who 'bag' a man - which presumably means they like him - but then covertly try to change him.

It’s quite common. As you’ll know, people use it as an anaesthetic - it has always been the opium of the masses, especially since the decline of religion. I’m no expert - I don’t know how long it takes for daily drinking to become a dependency, or if it does, or if it depends on the person. At least his two pints don’t turn into an uncontrollable binge I suppose.

Look at studies for drinking of red wine in Mediterranean countries - mild daily red wine consumption there massively effective against heart disease - side-effecf, admittedly

Despute what the red wine industry would like you to think, the real evidence for this is quite weak and is heavily debated.

Even if there is a positive health correlation, it’s due to the reseveratrol, not the alcohol, and can be equally achieved by drinking red grape juice.Plus, any potential heart health effects are contradicted by the fact that alcohol is a proven carcinogen.

Not in my family. My grandparents pretty much only had a drink at Christmas. My parents only infrequently most of their lives. In retirement my mum had a couple of glasses of wine a week.

Quite apart from the effect of the alcohol, most people will put weight on having a couple of drinks a day regularly.

Normal for some people. Not normal for others. The real issue is health, imo. I don't think it's healthy. If your partner's alcohol consumption bothers you then maybe you aren't suited for each other?

OP’s husband is definitely in denial and trying to make himself feel better about his mild dependency by suggesting his attitude is the more normal one.
As is the bizarre poster who thinks OP is trying to control him. Men with caring wives live longer. I gave up on my own cheating alcoholic ex partner who was a ‘bottle a day’ fan. He has since nearly died from a massive stroke.

You’re in the right place OP, the attitude to alcohol on here is the same as yours.

In my world lots of people drink every day and lots don’t. It’s not that much of a big deal. I probably have a glass of wine or two most days and my dad definitely has a couple of pints in the pub every night. Often I’m with him and it’s a lovely way for us to catch up. My DH has a couple of pints most nights if he’s at his sport or we’re out for our weekly date night. His parents the same.

I actually agree with your DH in some ways I don’t think he’s saying come join me in my (mm diagnosed) alcoholism he’s saying he’s love to spend a night sharing a really good wine and eating good food. My DH doesn’t drink wine and I enjoy it and would love the same. But he only drinks beer and it’s not so romantic in the classic way. Maybe he wants a shared experience and spending time together rather just an excuse to drink more. He’s an adult he can choose to drink as much as he wants.

Only you know it this is a deal breaker.

I was going to say this. It’s not normal in my friendship group but I know people like this.

I really enjoy wine and could easily drink daily, from Christmas through January I found myself having a glass (or two) each evening. My DH said “I’ve noticed you’re drinking alot” and I was realised I was and it had become a bad habit. I’ve limited myself to a bottle each week now - over the course of two or three evenings.

Your DH is defensive.

I don’t think it’s normal as I don’t know how you’d fit it in every day. I love a drink and would love to drink daily but just can’t fit it in.

I can generally find the time once a week to have a few drinks, sometimes twice a week but that’s definitely less than 50% of the time, and sometimes I can’t find any slot free in the week at all so no days! And that’s now with adult kids and having a ‘retirement’ job (still at least 50 hours a week but a lot less than my busier work when kids were younger).

How do people fit in this time to drink daily?

Mild daily wine consumption is not an entire bottle, even on one day let alone every day! A bottle is not a personal portion. Drinking that amount every day is obscene.

Yes, a bottle of wine is at least 10 units depending on ABV, so a bottle per night plus say a few extra drinks over the weekend = 100 units a week! This us not "mild" consumption or a Mediterranean diet...

Daily drinking is not good. Even when I was younger and loved wine, I always tried to have 3-4 nights off. These days I can take or leave it, but only ever drink on the weekend. It is a slippery slope and as you get older you need to be more careful about your health.