To think drinking daily is not “normal”

[Lemonteas]

DH drinks most days, nothing much but a couple of pints. He’s also a big wine lover, and I like wine, but can take it or leave it. He has made comments that he wishes we had more date nights with wine, preferably weekly. I would be up for doing it every two weeks, I’m just not a big drinker — I got it very much out of my system in a big way when I was younger and have had several family members die due to alcoholism, so it’s something I’m wary about and personally keep it strictly to socialising.

Tonight, unrelated to his specific drinking habits, we were discussing a mutual friend who drinks a bottle of wine each day. I commented that it sounds like a slippery slope. He immediately got defensive and said that my attitude to drinking is unusual and that “it’s perfectly normal for people to drink everyday.” I cannot relate to this and maybe it is my own personal experience being that the people I’ve known drink daily have all had terrible battles with alcoholism, and the fact that beyond that, I just don’t ever feel an urge to drink it at home.

I’d like to understand if my attitudes are indeed wrong; I don’t judge but I think I’m easily concerned and biased due to personal experiences, or if he’s possibly being defensive due to the fact he himself drinks every day?

He wants you to join in so that regular drinking of alcohol becomes the norm in your home for both of you. It's as though he feels there is safety in numbers and if you are drinking regularly, you can't criticise him.

Don't be pushed into this to normalise his relationship with alcohol.

I know some people who do have a daily glass and I don’t think that’s particularly healthy but a bottle of wine a day is not a great habit to be in even if they’re not addicted, it will have significant effects on their health. My OH had a period of time where he was stressed with work and started drinking one, then two, then 3 pints a night and started adding in spirits etc. It got to the point he had a horrendous hangover on a work day (never mind the vomiting that we had endure in our one toilet house) and I gave him an ultimatum and told him he had a problem and better stop otherwise he would not be staying with us any longer. Thankfully he stopped but sadly I don’t think it’s hard to become addicted to alcohol.

It’s not normal, it’s unhealthy and he shouldn’t encourage you to drink. Why can’t you have a nice drink that isn’t alcoholic and you could do that together. A nice spritzer and some nice snacks so it’s like a date but you both have what you like.

or maybe he thinks you’ll be less inhibited and take part in different things in the bedroom- could be a different red flag if it’s this.

I don't think it's normal or healthy. But if you had asked me a few years ago I might have thought it was ok. It's only through realising that my mother drinks wine every night and the effect it has on her speech etc that I have come to realise she's a functional alcoholic.

I drank 2 glasses of wine every night for 10 years. Sometimes one. Was it a lot? No. Was it a habit? Yes. Did I enjoy it? Yes. Did I enjoy it because it relaxed me, calmed me, helped me to sleep? Yes. Did I drink it to alter my state of mind however seemingly on a small level to some. Yes. Did I drink sparkling fruit juice or soft drinks etc instead? No. They didn’t do what I wanted them to do. Did it enhance my life? At the time yes, on a deeper level, of course not. Did I want people to know I had a drink every day. Absolutely not. Did I justify it to myself on the regular? You bet.

It’s not so much about the volume as the frequency. I had a drink habit. As do you.

Although eating upfs and sugar laden food daily, has also been normalised, which also has a significant negative impact on health

@Downtoearthandsinksthesun thank you for your diagnosis. In that case I also have a chocolate habit, a phone habit, a caffeine habit and a Netflix habit because I do all of these not especially healthy things daily too.

I was just going to say this. Drinkers feel threatened and judged when their friends and significant others moderate their drinking because it's an implied judgment on them and it forces them to face up to their their own habits.

It's a classic tactic to say "everyone does it" when what is meant is "most people in my self-selected social circle of drinkers does it". So he's right that it's "normal" in the sense that most of his friends probably do it. But at a population level it's not normal and it's not healthy.

Sounds like your DH subconsciously knows he is drinking more than is good for him but is looking to you to normalise it.

Downplay it all you like. You drink alcohol every day of your life for the effects. You have a drink habit. I used the same excuses myself for years except I never used anything as ridiculous as Netflix to compare to consuming alcohol on the daily.

I definitely think me eating chocolate every day is a habit!

Me having a shower every day is a habit, me having a pk of crisps every day is a habit, the wine I used to drink every day for the buzz it gave me was also a habit and a bad one so I stopped.

Spot the daily drinker trying to justify.

The Mediterranean studies I've read were based upon 1 GLASS max 2 glasses per day, not a bottle a day. And most red wine these days is closer to 15% than 12%.

A bottle a day is NOT healthy, normal or fine.

@Downtoearthandsinksthesun I don't need to downplay it. I'm aware of the risks. I know what an alcoholic looks like.

You come across very patronising as someone who stopped drinking and now looks down on anyone who can enjoy a drink responsibly. It's what a lot of ex drinkers do and if anything it just alienates people.

Well done for making healthy choices. Fair play to you on that. I'm under no illusions that less alcohol and less chocolate and more exercise instead of Netflix rotting would be healthier for me too. But we do what we do. Doesn't make us addicted - which is what you're implying with the constant use of the word habit.

It’s not normal to drink everyday, nor is it healthy.

Your husband is making excuses for himself.

I am honestly not trying to sound patronising although when I was drinking daily I probably would have found someone like me to be.
At the end if the day, deep down I hated drinking daily. I hated always having to have wine in the house. I knew in my heart drinking every single day was not right. A few nights a week fair enough but every day is a habit, a deeply engrained one.
Can you give me a reason as to why you drink every day other than you enjoy it. Why do you enjoy it? If they made an AF version of your tipple would you drink that?

I also think age plays a huge factor. I probably did drink at least 4 or 5/7 days in my 20's as having a glass of wine with dinner or drinking when socialising was completely the accepted thing we did. We joked about having our 2 alcohol free days as being "healthy"

In my 30's young child and career meant wine became a weekend thing only.

In my 40's it became a drink only when out with friends once or twice a month and never bother at home any more. Hangovers killed me much more than before, my sleep would be shit and I'd always say never again until the next birthday meal/reunion night.

Now in my 50's it is a very rare thing. I haven't had an alcoholic drink so far this year I don't think. I've moved to a more rural place so driving is often the easiest option for getting home from a night out and it doesn't bother me at all to have mocktail or a juice. I still enjoy my friends or DH company on night out as much as ever.

Many of my friends have followed a similar pattern and vastly reduced their drinking in their 40's and 50's.

Of course drinking every single day is a drinking habit. Not saying it in a judgy way as I like a drink probably a bit too much. But anyone saying daily drinking isn't a habit is in denial

It's a classic tactic to say "everyone does it" when what is meant is "most people in my self-selected social circle of drinkers does it". So he's right that it's "normal" in the sense that most of his friends probably do it. But at a population level it's not normal and it's not healthy.

Very well put. I agree with this.

I drink one bottle of wine split between Friday and Saturday nights and am considering cutting back. Drinking every day is really bad.

@Downtoearthandsinksthesun my honest answer is I like the feeling it gives me. I don't drink to get drunk but the light, tipsy feeling of one glass of wine is pleasant and signals to me that it's time to relax. I have a really hectic day to day life and it just feels like a treat to me in the same way a slice of cake does. I don't really like AF alternatives, I'd rather have a Trip drink or something like that if I was staying alcohol free. But usually it's a cup of tea and a biscuit.

Have to stress I don't drink daily. I have at least two nights a week where I'm driving the dc to activities and I don't miss it. Perhaps I need to create more evening activities for myself to cut back even more. Trouble is I'm always knackered!

@sourpuss23 your post resonates with me. It's that release I crave, that nothing else gives. I'm not even stressed tbh, but I love that feeling. I wish I could have it everyday! Barely drank at all 20s-mid30s, I suspect it was Covid time that I started to recognise the relaxation alcohol could bring.

I don't drink every day either, I try to limit to weekends. But definitely find myself looking forward to weekends because of it, which probably isn't healthy (not just because of some alcohol though!)

In his 30's my partner used to say the same as yours OP, ''daily drinking is normal - it's you that's not normal''.

He slowly but surely moved from a few pints to spirits and died aged 41.

easy, sit on sofa, pour wine

the studies claiming wine is good for the heart have been refuted. Drinking 7 units of wine per week actually poses a risk for heart issues.

i have 1 or 2 glasses a night and its v normal in my friends circle