To think drinking daily is not “normal”

[Lemonteas]

DH drinks most days, nothing much but a couple of pints. He’s also a big wine lover, and I like wine, but can take it or leave it. He has made comments that he wishes we had more date nights with wine, preferably weekly. I would be up for doing it every two weeks, I’m just not a big drinker — I got it very much out of my system in a big way when I was younger and have had several family members die due to alcoholism, so it’s something I’m wary about and personally keep it strictly to socialising.

Tonight, unrelated to his specific drinking habits, we were discussing a mutual friend who drinks a bottle of wine each day. I commented that it sounds like a slippery slope. He immediately got defensive and said that my attitude to drinking is unusual and that “it’s perfectly normal for people to drink everyday.” I cannot relate to this and maybe it is my own personal experience being that the people I’ve known drink daily have all had terrible battles with alcoholism, and the fact that beyond that, I just don’t ever feel an urge to drink it at home.

I’d like to understand if my attitudes are indeed wrong; I don’t judge but I think I’m easily concerned and biased due to personal experiences, or if he’s possibly being defensive due to the fact he himself drinks every day?

Well I expect you better get that message out there because I don’t think that’s the information coming from the medical professionals. You should be looking to reduce saturated fats, to avoid high cholesterol and its effects

Enjoying a drink is normal. Not enjoying a drink is also normal. So I don't think either of you are wrong there.
However it sounds like he's drinking too much especially if it's most days. And your friend who drinks a bottle of wine a night properly already has a problem.
We aren't big drinkers here though. DH doesn't drink at all (he used to) and I have one or two on a Friday night usually.
Why do your dates have to be about drinking? Have you suggested something else? Perhaps you can suggest something he's not keen on and then say but I enjoy it when he complains. Because that's also a bit controlling on his part. Dates should be about what you both enjoy, not one person insisting the other one does something they don't like.
Whichever way you look at it though I'd say he's drinking too much.

I know a lot of men who drink a beer or two daily. I personally stopped drinking on a schoolnight (mostly) as it disrupts my sleep and I want to be healthier.

I'd suggest that the most useful responses on a thread like this would be from people who drink regularly, if the OP is looking for a sense of what a 'normal' moderate drinker drinks (which is what her DH appears to be telling her he is). If she's looking for anecdata on how much someone who would call themselves a regular drinker drinks, that's what she needs. Saying 'some people never drink at all or only drink at Christmas' isn't adding to it.

Having a broad range of people, whatever their own habits, saying that her husband's drink intake sounds very problematic is hopefully supportive to her sense of unease about it for sure. But if those opinions are coming from people who don't come across as totally uninterested or against alcohol consumption per se it's more useful surely? Otherwise it's the same posters who think someone having a drink every day on holiday is somehow problematic, and while some might think that's true, it's a totally different life view.

Yes this

The same way as they fit in mealtimes. We often have a glass of wine with dinner.

Drinking a bottle of wine every day is as "normal" and "healthy" as morbid obesity. 🤷‍♀️

He has a dependency on alcohol and is trying to minimise it. He wants you to drink more to enable it.

Your attitude is not the problem.

(Teatotal and occasional drinkers are far more normal than that extent of daily alcohol use)

Daily seems like a lot. I don't think it's normal but depends on the circumstance.

A glass of nice wine to complement a meal at dinner- I don't think I'd bat an eyelid.

A couple of drinks just because or to unwind... I'd be worried about being reliant on alcohol.

I also don't think drinking a bottle of wine in one day/evening as a one off is horrendous. It's 4 glasses. Spread over several hours, taken with food...it's not actually a huge volume. However to be doing it everyday would require a lot of effort and expense! And it would take you way over your 14 units.

I can easily polish off two glasses of wine over a Sunday afternoon with lunch. And I will drink a few evenings a week too. Am I an alcoholic? No. I believe alcoholism and addiction in general boils down to dependency and how these things impact our lives, relationship, work etc.

Am I aware it's not especially healthy? Yes but neither are lots of the other things I enjoy. If I had to give them up for some reason or go a few weeks without drinking I could. But I would miss it purely because it's something I enjoy. That's just my take on it.

It is normal in so far as a lot of people do drink daily. That doesn't alter the fact that it would indicate a problem. No one with a healthy relationships to alcohol drinks every day.

Drinkers like people to drink with. They think it's wildly sociable, actually what they are doing is, sure, having a good time but also normalising their behaviour. I don't drink at all, partner is probably a functioning alcoholic. I don't ever say anything about his drinking, he's a grown up and can make his own choices. However at an event last year I overheard him say to someone, oh I'm stuck with a boring tee totaller. I was absolutely enraged given, to use his phrasing, I could equally say I'm stuck with a boring pisshead. Which is what I did say. If I was you OP I would be asking why wine has to be an element of date night? Rather why you drinking, if you don't want to is so important.

I think it depends what you've grown up with.

My mum drank a glass or two of wine every day of her life. I saw that as a kid and thought it was normal. In my twenties I also drank a glass or two of wine every night and only when a few work colleagues started telling me it was weird did I pause to think.

Now I'm in my 40s I can't actually handle more than one small glass of wine a week!!! And now my mum has sadly passed and I reflect on things I can see why some think it's fine to drink everyday and some think it's odd.

I'm hoping my children will grow up seeing my husband and I drink only rarely, or one or two on the weekend and take that on as their model.

I don't think it's a drinking 'problem' to have a glass of wine or pint of lager every day. If that's all it is. But only if you can also stop doing that. If you need it, and can't do without it, it's maybe not a great relationship with alcohol...

I agree it depends what you’ve grown up with. My mum is French and my dad is Spanish and we spent a lot of time in both countries. It was very normal to drink daily, in Spain some of the older men used to have brandy with their coffee at the cafe in the morning!

I think France has a bit of a problem with alcohol, I know more who drink daily and over recommended limits than those in the UK. I’ve noticed not drinking in the UK has become more fashionable.

Sadly I like my wine, and love sharing it over a meal with my husband.

I could happily drink every day, I love a glass of wine when cooking! I love the feeling of relaxation. I know it's not healthy though, so I limit myself to only having a drink on a Friday and Saturday night, unless I'm on holiday. I try to limit myself to one bottle of wine a week, but even that technically takes me over the recommended limits I think because I drink strong red wine, so half a bottle on one night is just over I believe. It's worrying actually how low the recommendations are, for women especially.

Just because something is commonly done, doesn't mean it's healthy, sadly!!

Given that the message had changed multiple times over 20 years I shan’t bother. I think I’ll just go with the latest research that I was taught on the relevant unit at uni just last year.

But do feel free to snark.

It’s become “normalised” but that doesn’t mean it is normal, advisable or harmless.

I used to drink a bottle of wine a day and with all the social media and societal guff you can very easily trick yourself that this is fine

(I’ve been sober 3.5 years now)

Absolutely

You just kind of gloss over the expense and justify it as part of the food shop, or that you don’t go out much or do other expensive things so it’s fine

Even during the COL crisis I’ve had more money than ever since stopping drinking.

I may not be the most objective person to comment, since I was brought up by an alcoholic parent, and had a relationship, years ago, with someone who nearly died as a result of alcohol misuse. Consequently, although not completely teatotal, I very rarely touch alcohol and am very wary, watchful and cautious around it, and the people for whom it forms importance in their life, or who's attitude to it I find concerning! What stands out for me, OP, is that your husband wants to encourage you to drink more, in order to 'normalise' his behaviour - alcohol likes company, but it doesn't make friends, it takes hostages...

even if it’s just a £6 bottle of wine, that’s still the best part of £200 per month.

Absolutely

Horrendous, isn’t it.

I’m not snarking and I’d be really interested to hear WHO is teaching university students to fry with high saturated animal fats like lard and butter, and in what context, because that is definitely not what is being told to cardiac patients or those with hypertension. Could you have misunderstood?

I don’t understand how you don’t understand.
A glass of wine or two while eating dinner. Takes the same amount of time as eating dinner. Maybe one while standing cooking. Maybe one while watching a programme/reading etc in the evening. Having a drink isn’t an activity that takes time separately to other activities.

A bottle of wine a day is clearly too much and unhealthy, however ‘normal’ it might be in someone’s social circle. A couple of pints (depending on the strength) could be the same amount of alcohol.
However, I don’t think having a small drink most days is ‘abnormal’ or necessarily unhealthy, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want a nice meal with wine as a date night every couple of weeks. He shouldn’t need you to drink wine too though.

Lard

It's not as bad as we were led to believe

Mhmm.

There's an awful lot of projection going on in this post.