To think drinking daily is not “normal”

[Lemonteas]

DH drinks most days, nothing much but a couple of pints. He’s also a big wine lover, and I like wine, but can take it or leave it. He has made comments that he wishes we had more date nights with wine, preferably weekly. I would be up for doing it every two weeks, I’m just not a big drinker — I got it very much out of my system in a big way when I was younger and have had several family members die due to alcoholism, so it’s something I’m wary about and personally keep it strictly to socialising.

Tonight, unrelated to his specific drinking habits, we were discussing a mutual friend who drinks a bottle of wine each day. I commented that it sounds like a slippery slope. He immediately got defensive and said that my attitude to drinking is unusual and that “it’s perfectly normal for people to drink everyday.” I cannot relate to this and maybe it is my own personal experience being that the people I’ve known drink daily have all had terrible battles with alcoholism, and the fact that beyond that, I just don’t ever feel an urge to drink it at home.

I’d like to understand if my attitudes are indeed wrong; I don’t judge but I think I’m easily concerned and biased due to personal experiences, or if he’s possibly being defensive due to the fact he himself drinks every day?

It’s normal in my friendship group but I’m the outlier who drinks some weekends but not all and very very rarely in the week. I’m not fussed. The issue for me is I am a total lightweight. I often have a gin in a pub then ask them to top up my empty gin glass with lemonade so I look like I’m still drinking alcohol.

I agree, but glasses were so much smaller! If you look at charity shop barware, glasses are often tiny (liqueur and sherry glasses) but even wine glasses were smaller.The Growth of Wine Glasses (and Drinking) through History | Inside the Cask

Pushing someone else to drink when they don't really want to us the red flag.
I can drink a bottle of red wine very easily. Cooking, dinner, nightcap. I limit it because of the expense and the calories and the health risk, and because I am aware, even if your DH is ignoring this, that a bottle can easily become a bottle and a chaser, or two bottles, or starting at lunchtime etc. You are correct to think it's a slippery slope. Also who these days has an extra £250 odd pm to spend on wine??

If anyone is genuinely interested in what is 'normal' there are some good stats in here - https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/research/alcohol-facts-and-data/alcohol-consumption-uk and here - https://yougov.co.uk/society/articles/41662-part-six-alcohol-consumption

Drinking heavily is actually not particularly common. The YouGov poll tells us that only 6% of people drink every day, for example. Obviously some of those will be drinking heavily and some will just be having one. For your DP to state that drinking a bottle of wine a day is 'normal' is just factually incorrect.

Anyway, this is a bit of a side show to be honest, he really shouldn't be pressuring you into increasing your alcohol consumption regardless of hat is normal and what isn't. My DP doesn't drink a lot and will almost never have more than 2. I would like to occasionally get a little bit pissed with him to be honest but I'd never dream to trying to pressure him into it or even suggest it. It's not what he wants to do and that's absolutely fine. I get a little bit pissed with friends instead (very, very occasionally).

I completely disagree. I think it's helpful to have a wide range of views. I'm sure it makes people who drink a fair bit uncomfortable to read about people who don't or rarely drink but I think that's a good thing. I say this as someone who had a bottle of wine (possibly more) with friends on a night out on the weekend.
I also wonder if you'd make the same argument from the flip point? So if someone posted to say, is it normal to rarely drink alcohol would you say only replies from people who rarely or never drink would be helpful? I doubt it...

Although it is very unhealthy and worrying, I unfortunately believe from what I know of various people it is worryingly, but 'normal' or rather common to drink every day, I know people who drink a bottle of wine a day. I don't know how they do it, but plenty do.

I got laughed at by a group of men fairly recently when I mentioned how I had a bottle of wine to finish off that evening, as I'd only had 2 glasses the night before. They thought I was a total weirdo for not finishing the whole bottle 'who does that?!' they said, and all laughed at my lack of alcohol consumption.

I also wonder if you'd make the same argument from the flip point? So if someone posted to say, is it normal to rarely drink alcohol would you say only replies from people who rarely or never drink would be helpful? I doubt it...

I think it would depend on why that person wanted to know? If they were asking 'is it normal, am I the only person?' then hearing from lots of other people who also drank very little would help them if they felt isolated in their life. Having lots of people say 'no, it's not normal, I drink loads' wouldn't add much to their interest in knowing about other people who had similar drinking habits to them? But it all comes down to what 'normal' is, doesn't it, which is why most threads on MN, whatever subject, asking what 'normal' is are fairly pointless.

In this thread, the OP is asking whether the amount her husband drinks and his claim that this is normal and she doesn't drink enough, and in that context, people who almost never or don't drink aren't going to give hugely helpful responses to help her contextualise it. The most useful responses in order for her to get a sense of what she's asking are from those who can help her put together a mental baseline for what sort of amount someone might sensibly drink if they regularly drink alcohol without any underlying issues.

Having said all that, I think, as I said here:

Having a broad range of people, whatever their own habits, saying that her husband's drink intake sounds very problematic is hopefully supportive to her sense of unease about it for sure. But if those opinions are coming from people who don't come across as totally uninterested or against alcohol consumption per se it's more useful surely? Otherwise it's the same posters who think someone having a drink every day on holiday is somehow problematic, and while some might think that's true, it's a totally different life view.

There are warning flags in the OP's posts (I am the daughter of an alcoholic) that anyone can point out, however much they drink, but if someone who happily regularly drinks alcohol is pointing them out, it may be more telling than someone who says they don't drink anyway - I've seen some really unhelpful responses in the past which just get stuck in 'drinking alcohol is bad, mmkay?' which actually serve to cloud a discussion of potential problematic drinking as opposed to, well, just not being teetotal.

Op, I think he is saying he enjoys spending time with you doing something relaxing that he enjoys. If you could recreate the experience with something substituted for alcohol that would be better for him that would be great. Random ideas:- local history / architecture, if you drive round looking at buildings you can't be drinking.
Ballroom dance classes
Golf
Woodwork
Camping.

Your DH meets the definition of a functional alcoholic.
It is not normal to drink that much.
I would be concerned about the impact on his health, particularly as this may/will have emotional pain, time and financial implications on you and your children down the line.

How old are you and DH, OP?
I'm an older millenial and I have lots of similar age friends who drink to excess. I like a drink but control it.
My partner and his friends can put away very easily and we have one friend who goes through periods of going through a bottle of vodka per night.
It's very unhealthy and they are killing themselves.
It seems to be normalised in this generation and older but the younger people I know drink much less.

A bottle of wine daily is far too much.
I like a glass of something most nights but I am good at knowing what a unit is, I measure it out and try to keep track of everything. If you can stop at 1 to 2 units daily it's not a problem. A bottle of wine is 9 units at least.
Have a bottle and 3 small glasses in addition and you've reached your units for the week.
It wrecks sleep too.
On nights when I don't have a drink I sleep better. You wouldn't think a small amount of alcohol would make a difference but it does.

Someone upthread said their friends were dependent on alcohol and had to drink every day, some wouldn't be able to give daily drinking up but they weren't alcoholics. That is alcoholism. I think a lot of people are in denial about themselves or their partner being an alcoholic as they're not sitting on a park bench swigging sherry from the bottle. My ex husband was a functional alcoholic, he got up for work every day, he still had a massive dependence and all the problems that came with that.

OP, don't be talked into drinking more than you are at the moment.

Anyone who drinks every day has a drink habit. Nothing normal about it. People make all the excuses in the book to justify it and say it is not a problem. If you drink evert day you have a problem.

I think daily drinking is more common that people think but I agree that it is too much and shouldn't be normalised.

Would you say the same thing about someone who ate chocolate everyday?
It isn't a problem unless it's affecting your health or daily life. A small glass of wine a day is very different to a bottle of wine or 5 pints a day.
It's hard having objective discussions about alcohol when people are so generic in their attitudes - you drink therefore you must be an alcoholic. There are so many more factors to it than that.

To correct your initial point - if someone has to drink everyday I would agree they have a problem. If they can take it or leave it and/or drink within the recommended units, they probably don't.

Of course it's not healthy. But obviously it's normal for a person who's dependent on alcohol.
The thing is trying to make people admit they've got a problem with booze doesn't really work.
Especially If they are managing their lives seemingly successfully.
So you just have to accept that this guy is a drinker and it probably will come back to bite him health wise in future. But it's his choice and there's no point judging or lecturing him.

But they don't take it or leave it do they? They take it..every day. I didn't call anyone an alcoholic. I said they had a drink HABIT. Why do people drink alcohol every day? Why not have a soft drink? Because they want the feeling that alcohol gives them and they want to alter their current state. People argue that they like the taste. Why not have a non alcoholic option, there are some great ones now on the market. Because there is no alcohol in it and again, they want the feeling that alcohol gives them.

Like I said...people will give any excuse as to why they drink every day but the long and the short of it is, they are looking for the affects of the alcohol.

I actually think it is no longer aspirational, I consider daily drinking a bit " sex and the city"/ Brigit Jones and associate with those in their 50's really.

Most people I know drink either 1 or 2 daily or not at all.
It's actually healthier to do that than to drink 3 or 4 in a night.

I've tried the non-alcoholic versions of the drinks that I like and they don't taste the same at all.
It doesn't mean I'm an alcoholic!

Adding my voice to others, it's terrible for you those red wine studies of the '90s are largely discredited.

Again, I never mentioned anyone being an alcoholic. I said if you drink alcohol every day you have a drink habit. Which you do.

I agree on this. I don't drink every day but when I do drink it's because I actively like the taste of wine, especially with a meal. NA wine is grim, and I don't like sweet drinks. So I have the choice of water or water! NA beer is streets ahead of NA wine.

That's not coming from someone who drinks more than 1-2 times a week though. Mostly, it IS just water.

@Downtoearthandsinksthesun by take it or leave it I mean that it isn't a problem for them if they can't have it because they have to drive or have other commitments, for example.

To me, problem drinking is when you fixate and prioritise drinking over everything else. If you can't drink one evening you become irritable or resentful or simply just opt out of the commitment so you can drink. That's a problem. Having one glass of wine with food but being able to say 'no thanks I'm driving tonight' is not the same thing.

And yes people do drink for a range of emotional reasons. It does alter your state but it's not always to get blackout drunk, it's to feel mildly relaxed. And as pp said because it can genuinely enhance a meal.

I don't think the attitude of 'these people will always make excuses to justify their drinking' is particularly helpful either just because someone has a different point of view.

The way I see it, we're here for a good time not a long time. I don't drink heavily but I do enjoy a glass of something most nights of the week. It would be healthier to stop altogether just like it would be healthier to give up chocolate and cakes but I won't do that either because I enjoy them.

Life is about balance. Drinking to excess everyday is clearly very bad for you. But a little bit of what you like isn't always a problem.

I think it has become "normalised" but I dont think its normal.
I have probably 4 drinks a year when i think of it or fancy one but daily drinking is a red flag to me.

Drinking daily is problem drinking territory imo.